You Suck at Love

I woke up at home in my bed with my mom and Jude standing over me, looking concerned.

"Oh, baby you're awake!" My mom leaned in to kiss me on the cheek. "I didn't know what happened to you. The school called me, saying that a janitor had found you passed out on the floor, and you had thrown up. I wasn't sure if I should take you to the hospital-" she turned and looked at Jude. "-and your friend here walked by the nurse's office and saw you laying there. He refused to leave your side. Oh, and I didn't even get your name!"
"It's Jude." He said, not taking his eyes off of me. I couldn't handle his intense stare. I looked down and started tearing the fibers of my blanket.

"We just wanted to know what happened to you."

Jude already knew what happened. I hadn't been eating and it was really starting to catch up with me. But my mom didn't know. I didn't tell my mom anything because she worries too much, and while she may be a nurturer, she's never been very tolerant of different things she didn't understand.

"I'm okay, mom. I think I was just dehydrated. You're always telling me that I need to drink more water."
She frowned. "You're almost sickly, child. Is anything going in your body?"
"Yes, mom. I'm just dehydrated. I'll drink more water - I swear."
"Are you sure you aren't coming down with something?" I shook my head. "Well, alright. Um, Jude was it? Can you come help me with something?"

They went out into the hallway and closed the door. God, what if he tells her that I'm not eating? What if he tells her that he's my boyfriend? My mom doesn't know I'm gay. Like I said, she doesn't like what she doesn't understand.

She'll go nuts if she thinks I'm starving myself, especially for some boy. Oh god, this won't end well. I wish they would just stop talking to each other!

Jude came back in the room and sat down on the bed next to me.

"What did you say to her?"
"Nothing. You said you were dehydrated and I backed you up on that. I know you don't want to bring any attention to this, and I know you want to fix this on your own, but please remember that you do have people here who care about you and want to help you too."
I frowned. "You sound like a therapist."
"Well maybe that's what you need."
I threw the blankets over my head and hid.
"Jonah, there is something wrong with you."
"Stop saying that. I know there's something wrong with me - there's always been something wrong with me."
"No, it's all in your head. The only thing that's really wrong is how you're not eating. I think... I think you might have an eating disorder."
I didn't say anything. I just curled up into the covers.
"But I know that can't be the only thing bothering you, so can you please tell me what else is wrong."
I kept quiet.

I felt the mattress rise and sink as Jude got up and then crawled under the covers with me. He wrapped his arms around my body.

"Jude, this isn't going to make me talk."
"I'm not doing this to make you talk. I'm hugging you because you need to know that I care about you."
"I know you do."
"Okay. Do you care about yourself?"
I chewed my lip. "What kind of question is that?"
"A question that you need to think about. Because if the answer is no, then the problem is even deeper that I thought."
"Jude..." I whined. He shushed me, breathing into my ear, before kissing my neck. His teeth ran along my skin, sending shivers down my spine. He held me closer, trying to close the gap between his arms and my small stomach.

"I'm trying. I really am trying to fix things."
"Mm-hmm."
"And I'm sorry... I'm sorry I ran away from you. And that I bit you. And-"
"It's okay. I'm not mad at you."
"You're not?"
"I could never be mad at you."

I really hoped that was true.

We heard footsteps coming up the stairs, so Jude got out of the bed and put the covers back over me. I sat up as my mom came into my room... with two trays covered in food!

"Mom..."
"Jude said you might be hungry since you missed lunch, so I made you a little something." She placed the trays over my legs. I looked at her like she was crazy.
"This," I pointed to all the food. "is not a little something. I can't eat all of this!"
"I don't expect you to eat all of it. I started to make you a sandwich, but then I wasn't sure what kind of sandwich you wanted or if you even wanted a sandwich, so I just gave you a bit of a variety."

How did she even cook all of this in a short amount of time?

She looked at me, a smile on her face. Crap I can't disappoint her. She isn't gonna leave until I eat something.

I felt Jude's stare on me, too. I picked up a half of a sandwich and took a bite of one of the corners. I smiled at my mom and smiled back and left. I spit out the bite as soon as she left. Jude looked disappointed too. I can't do anything without upsetting someone. I picked up the sandwich again.

"You don't have to force yourself-"
"Shut up. You want me to eat, don't you?" He didn't say anything.

I shoved the rest of the sandwich into my body.

"Are you... alright?"
He meant was I going to vomit again.

I felt my stomach churning, but I wasn't sure if it was about to reject the food.

"Can you move the trays please?"

He picked up the trays of food and I instantly ran to the bathroom and closed the door. I got on my knees by the toilet bowl, but nothing was coming up yet. My headache was even worse than earlier and I was sweating. Deciding it was a false alarm, I climbed to my feet. I saw myself in the bathroom mirror, but I just could believe that it was really me. I lifted up my shirt and I could see my ribs poking through my skin, but all I could think was that I need to look better, not feel better. This was no way to live.

I heard a knock on the door. "Are you okay?"
"No." I said truthfully.

In a split second Jude was in the bathroom, wrapping his arms around me. I broke down crying in his arms and he just held me tighter, rubbing circles on my back.

When the tears slowed down, I wiped my face and looked up at my boyfriend. Here I was, ruining myself, and he was still perfect.

"Why do you even bother with me?" I half-chuckled. He didn't laughing though. "I'm kind of a failure. Remember when you tried to help me find my talent, and I was so terrible at everything. And then when we went to get coffee, I spilled it on you. God, I thought you were never gonna talk to me again after that. I was so clumsy, but you never made fun of me. You and Gwen were really the only friends I had here. I hope I didn't screw that up by being self-destructive. I just can't really seem to do anything right."

Jude shook his head, then took my hands in his.

"You are beautiful. And talented, and amazing, and funny, and smart, but sometimes you can be incredibly stupid." I stared at him. "You're stupid because you think you're worthless. But I see so much value every time I look at you. You think that being clumsy and having feelings are bad things, but that's what I love about you."
"You love that I'm an emotional klutz?"
"Well, that's one way to describe you." He smiled.
"How can you see me in such a positive way?"
He stood closer, his expression serious but emotional. "When I draw you, the only flaw is that my hand can't capture your beauty."

That was most beautiful thing I've ever heard in my life.

"Jude," My heart was racing, and my body started feeling funny again. "There's something I need to tell you, something you'll hate me for."
"I don't believe I could hate you."
"Jude..." I squeezed my eyes tightly, trying to ignore the headache that was coming on again.
"You're tired. You've had a busy day."
"But..."
"You can tell me tomorrow. Right now you need sleep."

He led me back to my room and lay me down in the bed. The food trays weren't in my room anymore, so I guess my mom came and got them. I crawled into bed under the covers and just as I drifted out of consciousness, I felt Jude's sweet lips on my forehead, and I heard him whisper, "Please let him be okay."