You Suck at Love

Gwen greeted me at my locker in the morning. She's always so peppy in the morning - it's bizarre.

Gwen is my other best friend, but she isn't as close to me as Owen is. I just made friends with her last year, and we really don't share many things with each other. I can tell when she's being secretive or lying, but I don't call her on it because it's none of my business anyway. Gwen has nice features: auburn hair, light blue eyes, good complexion, nice body. She's nice and friendly. We started out working on a class project together and we stayed friends after that. At the time, she had a boyfriend, and when they broke up, I ended up being the shoulder she cried on. She stayed by my side after that.

"Hi, Jude." She smiled at me.

I smiled back and opened my locker. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," she said.

We always exchanged pleasantries. She's a very prim and proper person. I think it's because her parents are so strict.

"Where's Owen?" She asked.

I shrugged.

"I hope he won't be late," she said, sounding worried. "He has a test today, and Mr. Brownley doesn't take tardiness lightly."

I smiled at her. She was so sweet and considerate. "He''ll get here."

Just as I said it, Owen came running up the hallway.

"Hi Owen!" Gwen called out to him.

He waved and kept running down the hallway.

"He's going straight to class," she said.

"Smart kid." I closed my locker.

Gwen stared at my hands as I put my books in my bag.

"What are you looking at?" I asked.

She looked up. "Your gloves are getting tattered. You should replace them."

I slung my backpack on my shoulders. "They're fine."

"I can make you a new pair."

I looked over to her. "You don't have to - this pair is fine."

"You shouldn't settle when it comes to how you look and feel. Do you want to feel good about your appearance?"

I stared at her. "I've been labeled as a goth freak for years. Do you really think I care about my appearance anymore?"

She frowned and shuffled her feet. I didn't like making Gwen feel bad, but we really didn't agree on anything, so we had a lot of "mini-fights" where she would tell me what I should do and I was stubborn to listen to her. This is just how our relationship works.

The first bell rang. We hugged goodbye and departed. I sat down in my seat in AP Chemistry. I was very good at chemistry, even though I didn't like math or science. I was good at all of my classes, especially art. I don't like to brag about my art but I don't see the point in hiding it - art is meant to be seen. And if I'm good at it, wouldn't I want people to know that?

I opened my notebook and started copying down the formulas on the board before the teacher started today's lecture. The room slowly filled up, a majority of the class coming in right as the last bell was ringing. Everyone got situated and the teacher started telling us what we'd be going over today. He told us we would be working with partners for lab assignments throughout the year, and that today would be our first lab. I looked at the seat next to me, not surprised that it was empty. I had a lot of friends, I guess you could say, but I have the feeling that most of them either don't really like me that much or are intimidated by me. People are intimidated by how I dress, how I stare (observe my environment), how I act, how I draw - I am just an intimidating figure I suppose.

Everyone paired up except for me. The teacher said I could sit in with a pair for now. I moved to a pair where I knew the guy well enough but the girl looked terrified of me. I rolled my eyes and flipped my notebook back open, copying down the procedure for today's lab. After the teacher explained what we were doing, we were allowed to start the lab. I turned on the burner. The girl jumped. She really was scared of me then.

The guy that I knew (John) read off the procedure one at a time and me and the girl carried out the steps. I stayed near the fire to make sure the chemicals burned properly. The instructions said to move the burner around under the crucible to effectively oxidize the element, so I did so, and when we removed the crucible from the flame, I was still fiddling with the burner. I caught the girl staring at me out the corner of my eye. I got annoyed quickly and turned to face her.

"What?" I snapped.

She bit her lip and turned her back to me. I sighed and set the burner down and turned it off.

Just because I look like a goth, people expect me to some kind of devil worshiper. I'm not the one who put the labels on appearances - I've always liked wearing dark colors, and I've always had this same hard stare. Sure, the black nail polish and heavy chains were relatively new, but what says that a person who wears this kind of clothing has to be some pyromaniac or a psychopath. I am completely sane. (Unlike some people.)

We finished the lab and wrote out a summary for today's work. I turned it in just as the bell rang. The rest of the school day went almost exactly like it did in chemistry - people stared, people were scared, people judged, people avoided me. Would they treat me the same if I wore bright colors and carried a stuffed bunny rabbit? They'd probably think I was either mentally unstable or just plain gay. There is no escaping the judgement of the public eye. You can change who you are, but people will always try to put you under a category. Nobody can summed up with a generic, outdated label.

I'm going into a rant right now. People around here are just that frustrating.

I found Gwen and Owen during lunch. Owen was worrying about that test he had earlier, and Gwen was trying to give him positive thoughts.

"I'm sure you did just fine." Gwen said as I sat down. She smiled up at me.

"She's right - you probably did great." I told him.

He shook his head. "But I suck at math. I just don't understand how I could be so terrible at math - it's like I can find a bazillion ways to solve the problem, but never the correct way to solve it. Ugh, I give up. I just won't use math in the future."

"You do realize how impossible that is?" Gwen said.

He groaned and hit his head on the table. I stole a fry from his tray and opened up my sketchbook. Gwen shook her head at me.

"What? I'm not good at helping people with their problems." I shrugged.

"You could at least offer to help him with his math," she rolled her eyes.

His head shot up. "Would you?"

I shook my head at the idea. "Oh no, you remember what happened last time I tried to tutor you?"

He blushed a deep red before looking down, then back up. "B-But I'll really focus this time!"

I took another fry. "No you won't."

"What if I promise not to bother you for a week - a month! I'll bake you brownies or something, just PLEASE HELP ME! I NEED TO PASS THIS CLASS!"

He got on the floor by my feet and started hugging my legs.

I rolled my eyes. "Fine, if you really want me to help you, I'll do it. But you have to follow my rules: no breaks, no distractions, no excuses, and no escapes."

He gulped. He knew I was very strict when it came to school work. That's why I'm so good at all my classes. Owen is easily distracted, and when we're alone, it's like we can't help but get sexual. But if he's serious about bringing his grade up, then we can't even be friendly later. Strictly tutoring.

I took out a pencil and started drawing on a clean page in my notebook. "Come to my house today at 4, prepared to learn."

He nodded.

"And Owen-"

"Yeah?"

"I never thought I would have to say this to you, but get off your knees and get away from me."

His face turned bright red again and he moved away and sat back in his seat. There were some giggles from people nearby who probably saw Owen making a fool of himself. Owen is a goofball, he just can't help it.

After school, Owen came over on time with his backpack. We went into the living room, where he spilled the contents of his bag out on the coffee table: math book, calculator, worksheets, graph paper, notebook, pencils, and eraser. He sat down and I started to drill him on things that he already knew - reminding him that he is good at some math is helpful, especially if you go over the algebra basics. Then we slowly worked our way through the problems in his book. When he finally got the hang of it, I set him to work on his worksheets while I sat there and watched him. I wouldn't correct him until he finished and turned in his paper. When he did, I marked which ones were wrong, but let him figure out how they were wrong. If he still didn't get it, then I would explain it to him and then assign him five more problems just like that one until it was burned in his brain. It was tedious and time-consuming, but he wanted me to help him and this was the best way to help Owen: a no-nonsense attitude and keeping him focused on the same thing for a long time.

When he had finally finished all his homework and make-up work and I was done tutoring him, he fell back on the couch and groaned.

"Am I smart now?"

"As smart as you'll ever be." I smirked.

He sat up and glared at me.

"Hey you asked for help, not kindness."

He rolled his eyes. "I would thank you for your help, if you weren't such a cocky bastard."

I shrugged. "I don't need your thanks. I was just helping out a friend." I started cleaning up the table.

"...Jude?"

"Yes?"

I heard him move from the couch to where I was. He grabbed my chin and turned my head to face him. His lips crashed down on mine in a warm pout.

When he pulled away, I stared at him. He wasn't usually this abrupt.

"Are you okay?" I asked him.

He grinned. "I just really wanted to say thank you."

"Normal people use words."

"Well, where's the fun in that?" I shrugged. "Jude, are you bothered by what we do together?"

"You mean fooling around? No, I'm not bothered by it. I enjoy it - I thought that was clear."

"Well, yeah I can tell you like it when it's happening, but the rest of the time, it feels like you don't even care what we do."

"That's because I really don't. We can hang out as friends or we can have sex - whatever makes you happy."

"What would make you happy?"

"Keeping my friends happy." He gave me a look of disbelief. "No really, I doesn't matter to me what we do, as long as we're having fun. You're my best friend and I'm always gonna be there for you to cheer you up."

"Thanks Jude, but one day I want to do the same for you."

"But I'm not unhappy. I'm indifferent."

"Indifferent still isn't happy."

I sighed. "Why are you and Gwen so set on making me happy? I have a good life - I have friends and family who love me, I have good marks in school, I have talent in something that I love - I have no reason to be unhappy."

He looked at me. "I wish I could have your brain - it's much less complicated than mine."
I smiled and brought him in for a hug. He gasped but hugged me back anyway.

"You're a weirdo, Jude."