You Suck at Love

I climbed into the back seat with Jude. Gwen and her date, a guy from from her Spanish class, sat in the front. We drove to the movie theater for our double date. I figured since we'd be sitting in silence for two hours, there would be no way I could screw up this date.

But I'm sure I'll prove myself wrong.

We got to the theater, bought our tickets, and chose our seats. Gwen sat on my left, her date on her left, and Jude sat on my right.

The previews came and went and I hardly even noticed, but Jude had his eyes glued to the screen. I don't really think he was paying attention, but his mind was definitely stuck on something.

I put my hand on his knee and he looked up at me.

"What's wrong?"
He shook his head. "Nothing."
"You were deep in thought about something."
"Just... can't wait to see the movie. I hear it's good."

He was acting strange, but I really had no reason to question him. Soon the movie started up.

We were watching Chernobyl Diaries, and the crazy thing is that I love horror movies. You would think that a nervous, spazzy guy like me would flip out at scary movies, but I love them. And Gwen hinted that Jude loves them too, so I thought it would be the perfect date. But it's like he barely knows where he is right now.

I rested my head on his shoulder, but not a minute later, he said he needed to get up. I watched him stand and walk out of the theater. Gwen stared at his retreating back, then shrugged.

What am I doing wrong?

Was he still mad at me for being a prostitute before? I didn't think it would bother him this much. I've stopped doing it, and I never even cared about those guys. All I wanted was Jude, and to feel like I was useful and wanted.

Now that I have Jude, I feel like he's done with me.

I knew I was too much of a handful for him. I shouldn't have let him try to take on all my problems.

When he came back, he had a cup of soda. He sat and actually looked at the movie screen.

"Oh, are you gonna pay attention now?" I rolled my eyes at him.
He looked at me. "What do you mean?"

I shook my head and went back to watching the movie. I rested my head on his shoulder again, and this time he put his arm around me. He pulled me closer to him. I guess whatever he was worrying about before was out of his mind now. I turned to face him and smiled, and he responded with a small smile. I bit my lip and he stared at me.

"Can I sit in your lap?"
He blinked. "Uh-uhh sure."

I crawled into his lap, making myself comfortable on top of his Tripp pants. I'll admit, I had my reasons for sitting in his lap. One was so he couldn't run off again. And two was because I wanted to have a bit of fun. I bit my lip, facing him. His gaze drifted to my lower lip, so I leaned forward and kissed him. We had a pretty good makeout session for a while, and his hands started to drift down to my hips. When I ended up straddling him, I could feel the friction between our pants. I wrapped my arms around his neck to pull us closer together, but then he broke the kiss and smiled at me. He ruffled my hair, and all I could do was stare at him.

Soon the movie ended, and I was still confused. Why did he stop things before they could even start?

We left the theater and waited by the arcade for a bit. Gwen's date was working the claw machine, so I pulled Gwen aside to talk to her.

"How's it going?" She asked.
"Bad, I think. Is there any reason why Jude wouldn't want to... to take things a bit farther?"
"What... what do you mean?"
"Well, we were kissing during the movie, but as soon as I sat facing him, like, you know, straddling him, he stopped."
"Well, maybe he just needed some air."
"We never went back to kissing. He stopped, and ruffled my hair. Why did he ruffle my hair? Only my uncle does that."
"Well..." she shrugged. "I'm stumped. Jude isn't usually one to hesitant with getting physical. Or at least, he never did with Dahlia or Owen."
"Oh no." I put my head in my hands.
"Well don't worry. Maybe he just wants to take things slow."
"But why? He told me that he never even really dated Owen, and they were still sleeping with each other a while after I met Jude."
"I don't know. But Jude has his reasons, I'm sure. I doubt he sees you the same way that he saw Owen. They were really just friends with benefits. If Jude is waiting to get more intimate with you, then there must be a good reason that he's doing that. Why don't you just ask him?"
"Oh sure, ask him why he's repulsed by me."
She rolled her eyes. "Stop being a little drama queen."

**

We went out to get burgers after the movie. Gwen seemed to really hit it off with her date, but I could tell he seemed a lot more interested in her than she did in him. Poor guy.

Jude looked over the menu, then looked at me.

"Do you... plan on eating something?"
I nodded my head. "Yeah."
"What do you think you can handle?"
"I don't... I don't know." I picked up my menu.
"We can go somewhere else."
I shook my head and looked over my menu. I didn't want to be a burden.

Everything on the menu was something I would have wolfed down before with no problem. But now, all I could do was think about the fat and the grease that I'd be putting into my ugly body. I'm really starting to wonder what's the point, if I don't like my body, and starving it isn't making it look any better. Jude hated how skinny I had become. My customers before didn't mind, but then again, they didn't care who they fucked, really. But Jude still doesn't like getting close to me, and I don't know why. Is it because I'm ugly, or because he's really only with me out of pity, or he still just sees me as some cheap whore and he's disgusted by me...

I put the menu down and slid it away. "I'm not hungry."
He frowned before burying his face in his menu. I just drew shapes in the condensation on my glass of water.

**

Gwen and her date went home early, but Jude and I stayed out. We went for a walk in the park, and it was quiet. It was close to evening, so hardly anyone was out here except for a few joggers and dog-walkers. Jude and I hadn't said much to each other, mostly because I was stuck in my head again, depressive thoughts consuming me. And Jude, I never really know what's on his mind.

I hadn't noticed, but Jude had stopped walking and was staring back at me. I turned back to him.

"What's wrong?"
"Is that guy following us?"
"Huh?" I looked around.
"Behind us. I feel like that guy has been following us for a while now."
I shrugged. I couldn't see any body. "I doubt anyone's following us. They are probably just following the path, like we are."
He looked back, but shrugged it off and kept walking.

It was a few seconds before he stopped again.

"Nobody's following us."
"No, it's not that. I wanted to talk to you."
"A-About what?"
He sighed. "You've been quiet and mopey ever since we left the theater and I think I know why. It's because of the whole makeout thing, isn't it?"
I chewed my lip but didn't say anything.
He took my hands in his and stared into my eyes. "I can tell you think something horrible has happened between us, but it hasn't. The reason why I'm acting weird, it's not your fault. It's just that, well, I can't stop thinking about us being together."
"Is that good o-or bad?"
"Well, us dating is good - really good... isn't it?"
I nodded. "Are you doubting that?"
"No! Not at all. It's just, when I try to think about us... taking things further-"
"You mean, us having sex?"
"...Yeah."
"We don't have to."
"No, it's... I mean, I want to... if you want to. It's just that... it's just that..."
"What?"
He sighed. "Jonah, I'm intimidated by you."
"What?! ME?! Are you joking?"
He laughed. "No. I just can't stop thinking about you being with all those other guys, how you were getting paid to be good at... well, you know. I've only ever had sex with two people, and only one guy. But you, you've had experience. And not that that's a bad thing. I'm just nervous because I think I'm not going to be good enough for you."

I was dumbfounded. My mouth was hanging open so wide, a bird could have flown in.

I couldn't believe it. Jude was intimidated... by me. The boy I thought was so intimidating when I first met him, who has worked so hard to take care of me, was now afraid that he wasn't good enough for me.

It was utterly stupid to even consider that, not that I was calling my boyfriend stupid.

Before I could say anything, somebody else spoke up.

"You're right. You're not good enough for him."

That voice. I know that voice.

Mr. Elric.

He stepped out of the shadows, a big smirk on his face.

"Did you miss me, Jonah?"
"Who the hell are you?" Jude moved me behind him.
"Now I know Jonah must have mentioned me by now. After all, I was his favorite customer."

I bit my lip. Jude was realizing what he was talking about. He looked at Elric, then back to me.

"He was one of them?"
I slowly nodded.
"Well, aren't you a smart boy." Elric said. "Jonah, you sure know how to pick 'em."
"Wh-what are you doing here?" I asked, holding Jude's hand.
"I want what's mine. I want Jonah."
"He does not belong to you." Jude growled.
"If you don't want this to get violent, I would step down."
"I can take you."

Elric laughed darkly. Suddenly, four men in dark suits surrounded us.

"Now, I don't think I'll be needing all this manpower, but it will make things easier for me. Or you can make this even easier - step down and let me have Jonah."
"Why do you want him anyway? Can't you find anybody your own age?"
"It's not about how old he is. Jonah's the best fuck I've ever had, not to mention he's obedient and sexy. I have tried to replace him, but nobody makes me feel the same."
"You're a fucking creep. I hope you rot in hell."
"Oh Jonah, did you not warn your little boyfriend? It's a bad idea to make me angry."
"Like I give a fuck if you're angry. I'll take all of you down." Jude barked at them but I gripped his arm.

"Jude, don't be stupid. It's five against two- one really because there's no way I can fight anybody. This is just stupid. Elric always gets what he wants."
"But-"
"Look... I don't want you to end up torn to bits and shipped to Siberia. Don't fight him."
"So what? I'm just supposed to let him bully you?"

I chewed my lip. I really couldn't see a way out of this. We were way outnumbered. I didn't know who could help us - the police aren't going to get involved in a dispute between a powerful man and his gay prostitute. And the only other person who knows about us is Torrison - fat lot of good he'll be since he got with his new girlfriend.

Being with Elric was the lowest point of my life, and I never wanted to go back to that. I was miserable, practically killing myself. And Jude has worked so hard to take care of me and bring me away from that, but it's still my stupid mistakes that got him into this.

I just can't do anything right.

"Elric," I sighed. "What's it gonna take for you to leave us alone?"
"I don't like repeating myself. Come back to work for me, and neither of you will get hurt."

I sighed in defeat, but Jude noticed and looked at me with worry.

"Jonah, you can't be serious. This guy's a fucking pedophile - you don't have to give in to him. I don't care if I've gotta take a beating - as long as it gives you enough time to get away."
"I'm not letting you get hurt trying to protect me. You've done too much for me already."

He faced me, put his hands on my cheeks, and pulled me in for a kiss. He broke away, and I was slightly dazed.

"It's not like I'm sacrificing anything - I need to take care of you, if you won't do it yourself. I love you, and I can't stand to see you treat yourself so badly."
"You... you love me?" I stared at him.
He rolled his eyes. "You would get stuck on that part. Yes, I love you, and I need you take care of yourself, because I don't know what's gonna happen after I try to fight these guys."
"Jude-"

He kissed me one more time before turning to Elric, who had come to stand almost a foot away from us.

"Saying your goodbyes?" He smirked.
"Stop it. You're not breaking us up." I glared at him.
"Where did this new-found confidence come from, Jonah?"
"Just leave him alone." Jude stepped up to Elric.
Elric scoffed. "Boy, I have no interest in you, fighting or otherwise." He snapped his fingers, and his henchmen moved in closer to us. Two of them grabbed Jude by the arms, and no matter how much he struggled, he couldn't break free.

Elric smiled at me, tilting his head like he was innocent. Far from it, really.

"Your boyfriend doesn't have to get hurt. All I ask is that you go back to working for me."
"You mean, I would work for you, and still get to be with my boyfriend?"
"You know I'm not fond of sharing, but if you insist, then fine. I doubt you two will survive very long together, anyway. High school relationships never do."

I ignored that last part. I told myself I wouldn't even think about being a prostitute again. But if it was between Jude getting pummeled and me getting raped by Elric, or whoring myself out for both our safety, didn't the second option seem, well, safer?

"Well I don't like sharing either!" Jude growled at him. "Jonah's mine. He would never go back to a pervy old man like you."
"You forget who had him first. And, Jonah might not have really been my boyfriend, but he was certainly my lover. You enjoyed every little bit of overtime working for me, didn't you Jonah?"
"N-n-no, I-I-I hated it."
"Then why did you always beg me to go deeper, push me to go faster? You were always on your knees before I even said a word, and I know I wasn't the only one moaning. I pleasured you. Didn't I make you happy? I treated you well, lavished you in gifts, showed my affection for you. Why do you think I wanted to make us exclusive?"
"Wh-what?" Jude stared at me. "Exclusive?"
I chewed my lip. "J-Jude-"
"For a while, I was Jonah's only client. And I think we were both happy with the arrangement."

Jude was looking away.

"Jude... that-that's true that we were exclusive but I hated being with him."
"So then why did you do it?" He stared at me. "Because I still can't figure out why you starting whoring in the first place."
I winced. "I wanted to feel important... needed." I looked at the ground. "I wanted to have somebody actually want me."
"Jonah... just because I rejected you... I mean-"
"You did reject me, and it wasn't your fault that I made a mess of myself. I was already in a bad place, and I was pretty stupid for falling for someone when I was so unstable. I was already depressed, and I already hated myself. I just knew how much I screwed things up, and how nobody wanted to be with me because they were ashamed of me. I was nothing important. And... somehow, getting paid to have people pay attention to me... I mean it sounds pitiful, but I liked the attention. I didn't really care about how sick I was getting until you pointed it out... until you let me know that you cared about me."
"Jonah... of course I care about you. I always have. Even if I wasn't sure how I felt about you before, I never wanted anything bad to happen to you. Nobody is ashamed to be with you. Lots of people care about you. All of these bad thoughts - they're in your head. And you don't have to listen to them. I've dealt with depression before, and while we're two different people with different problems, I have no doubt that we can get through this... together."
I shook my head and laughed. "I don't deserve you."
"Don't you ever say that. If anything, I think you deserve better than me. But Jonah... listen to me."

I looked up at him.

"Elric is not better for you."
I grinned, but my eyes were watering.

"Okay, stop it." We turned to Elric. "You can't expect me to believe that you two have gotten this close in a matter of weeks? You're just teenagers."

We looked at each other and broke out in smiles.

"Whatever. This still doesn't change anything."
"Oh come on, even after all of that, you still think Jonah would be better off with you?" Jude glared at him.
"I don't care if he's better off. In fact, I thought I made this very clear - I'm selfish, I get what I want, and I get rid of anyone who gets in my way."
"But is it really me that you want?" He stared at me. "I've never expressed any emotion towards you whatsoever. We never went on a date, we never kissed or hugged without it leading to sex, we never talked about our day or said what was going on in our lives. We spent an hour together maybe twice a week just so you could fuck somebody, but it's not like we ever grew close because of it. The only reason I said we could become exclusive was because I didn't care one way or the other. I mean, yes you did treat me better than the rest of my clients, but that doesn't mean I favored you in any way. You kept me a secret from everyone, and I don't know if it was because you're not out of the closet or because you're afraid it will ruin your image to be seen with a teenage boy. But it doesn't matter, because I never liked you. I was only with you to keep my mind off of Jude. You were... you were just a rebound!"

Elric shoved me up against a tree, growling at me. His hands held me pinned.

"Shut the fuck up! I am nobody's second choice!"
"You weren't a choice at all, Elric. The whole time I was a prostitute, I could only think of Jude. I was in love with him, not you. I'm surprised that you're even getting so worked up about this!"

He narrowed his eyes at me before pressing a hard kiss on my lips. I squirmed but he wouldn't let me go. I turned my head away, tearing my lips from his.

"Jason, I don't love you!"
His eyes softened.

I couldn't believe this.

There were two guys... fighting over me.

Whose messed up fantasy was this?