You Suck at Love

I stared at the cigarette between my two fingers but couldn't bring it to my mouth. For some reason, I just stared at it. Something was stopping me from falling back into my old habit, but I couldn't pinpoint what it was.

I'd hate for my only friend here to die on me.

Was that what was bothering me? Jonah's words? It wasn't like he was my best friend, not like Owen, who was pretending that I didn't exist. I wasn't going to die suddenly from smoking a cig right now. So why couldn't I do it?

I sighed and dropped the cig on the ground, stubbing it out with my foot.

I leaned against the wall and let out a huge breath. Life was so boring lately. I was used to Owen bothering me, or Gwen tittering around me, but they've both been M.I.A. lately. At least Gwen has an excuse - she's sick with the flu. But Owen? He's just being a dick because I told him I didn't want to be his stupid play thing. He's being overly sensitive. It's not like I said I wanted to stop being his friend, I just didn't want him to be my lover. I can't help how I feel, or don't feel.

Sigh. At this point, I would rather face Gwen and all her illness. In fact, I think I will.

I walked the distance to Gwen's and rang the doorbell. There was no answer. I tried again, but it was a long time before anyone answered. I heard coughing coming down the stairs before the door opened. Gwen blinked at me, wrapped in a blanket. Her hair was a mess and her cheeks were flushed.

"Jude? What on earth are you doing here?" She cleared her throat. "I have the flu."

"I know, but I missed you."

Her cheeks flushed even more. "Really?"

"Well, we haven't hung out much lately, and Owen being a dick. As sad as it sounds, I'm lonely."

She smiled. "You need to find some more friends."

Again, Jonah's words resonated in my head. I'd hate for my only friend here to die on me. I shrugged. "Yes I do. But for now, mind if I hang out with you?"

She gave me a confused look before coughing. "I'm sick, Jude."

"I know, but I've already had my flu shot. Even if I do get sick, I don't really care."

"I'm not going to infect you."

I grinned, somewhat mischievously, before shoving her inside and closing the door behind us.

"What part of 'I'm sick' do you not understand?"

"What part of 'I don't care' do you not understand?"

She sighed and shook her head. "There is something wrong with your head."

I laughed. "Shut up and I'll make you some tea."

We went to the kitchen. She sat at the table, hugging her blanket tightly to her chest. As I filled a mug with water and set it in the microwave, I couldn't help but notice how quiet the house was.

"Where are your parents?" I asked.

"Work...?" she replied as more of a question than a definitive answer.

"It's Saturday."

She looked at me then sighed. "I really don't know where they go sometimes. I just know they work during the day, sometimes at night, but when they aren't working, they just leave me alone. I guess they think I can take care of myself - I am grown and I haven't needed a nanny for years now."

"But you're sick with the flu! You've been sick for a few days and they're just gonna let your take care of yourself?"

She gave me a look that said "I guess".

I made her tea and set it in front of her, then grabbed a bottle of honey and jar of sugar and set it before her. She half-smiled and fixed her tea to her liking, blew on it, and drank it. The smile she gave was like she'd been given a million dollars.

"Mmm... thanks Jude."

"It's no problem." ...Silence. "How long have your parents been ignoring you?"

She held the cup to her lips. "If you mean how long have they been leaving me home alone, five years. If you mean how long have they really been ignoring me-" she took a sip. "-my entire life."

"Gwen-"

"Don't go feeling sorry for me, Jude. It doesn't suit you." She smiled at me.

I shook my head. "You can't stay here by yourself - it isn't safe."

"I'm fine. I've been staying home alone for a while now - I'm a big girl."

"But what if-"

She looked up at me. I don't think she expected me to pry into her personal life like this. She set the cup down.

"What if... what?" she asked.

"Just... what if. I don't want to here about some robbery gone horribly wrong on the news, with the reporter standing in front of your house."

She looked down at the table. "It's sweet of you to care about me."

"You've always been kind to me, and well, everyone. I want to return the favor."

"How?"

"I don't know." Silence. "What if you came to live with me?"

She looked up. "Isn't your house a little cramped, with your parents and your sister?"

"My parents don't pay much attention to me either, but they won't leave me home alone for days on end, and they especially don't leave Katie alone. I had a babysitter until I turned 16."

She giggled. "You had a babysitter for that long?"

"Shut up - I was a troubled kid - they were probably afraid I'd burn the house down or something."

"Oh, like you didn't try."

"I never said I didn't try."

We laughed. It felt good being with Gwen. Nothing was bothersome or sexual or forced. It was completely natural, just like old friends talking.

"What if I moved in here?" The suggestion fell out of my mouth before I had time to realize what I said.

She raised her eyebrows. "Live here? Wouldn't your parents-"

"Like I said, they don't really care. They still baby Katie when she isn't hanging with her friends or stuck at some school club, so it's not like I'd be leaving her alone. And it wouldn't interfere with my life or anything - I have nothing to do, and I need a distraction or just some good company."

"Do you even know what you're suggesting? Two teenagers, raging with hormones, living under the same roof with no adult supervision or consent?"

"Speak for your own hormones, 'cause mine aren't raging."

"Really?" She smirked.

"Really."

She paused. "What about Owen?"

I blinked. "What about him?"

"Well, you guys haven't been on speaking terms for a while. Is this because of him, or what? I won't be your rebound friend, Jude."

"Owen and I got in a fight because... we didn't agree on some things."

"I know about you and Owen, Jude."

"What... what do you mean?"

"I know you two are dating, or were."

My eyes widened. "We aren't dating! Wait, how did you even know something was going on?!"

"I'm not an idiot, Jude. I can see the way he looks at you. And do you think I really believed you two were at your house 'studying' all the time? Please. I've known Owen was in the closet for a while now."

I was stunned. "So, why didn't you say anything?"

"It was none of my business. I figured if either of you wanted to tell me about it, you would. So I let it pass until you two figured out what was going on between you. I take it you two aren't together anymore then?"

"We were never together." I groaned. "Owen... Owen's had a crush on me for a while now. He came out to me, and later he said he liked me and that he wanted to experiment. I know it should have been weird, but he was my friend and I wanted to help him. But after we figured out he really was gay, the 'experimenting' didn't stop - it just became a regular thing. I got tired of being taken advantage of and tired of playing with his emotions, so I told him off, and he's been avoiding me ever since."

She listened intently, then nodded. "I understand. It does seem like he was using you, but it also seems like he really did like you and wanted to be as close to being your boyfriend as he could be, and for him, that was being your friend with benefits. For you... well, what did you feel?"

"That's the thing. I've felt absolutely nothing. I've never felt any romantic feelings for anybody. I'm starting to wonder what's wrong with me."

"There's nothing wrong with you, sweetie. You just haven't found the person's who's right for you." She went quiet, then asked, "have you ever thought you might be asexual?"

"You mean, not into people at all?"

"Pretty much. It's not very common, but it's not impossible either. To be honest, I've had trouble picturing you with someone. You just seem like a bit of a loner, but not by choice. I think you really do enjoy people, Jude, you just don't let them get too close to you. Think about it - we've been friends for how long? Three years? Would we have ever had this conversation any other time if I hadn't brought it up?"

I thought about it, then shook my head no.

"You're right, Gwen. And I'm sorry. I don't want you to feel less important."

"It's okay. You're going through a lot right now, and all we've ever done is talk about my problems before. Sharing all this with me and Owen must be hard on you."

I smiled, then kissed Gwen's forehead. She blushed a bright red before biting her lip.

"You are such an amazing person, Gwen."

She smiled before pressing her mug back to her lips.

Gwen and I talked some more, about nothing in particular. I tried to bring up the 'living together' idea again, but she scolded me and said it wouldn't end well. I told her to at least think about it.

I'm really determined to spend more time with Gwen, not because Owen and I aren't speaking anymore, but because Gwen deserves just as much attention that Owen gets, if not more, from me. She is, after all, my best friend also.

Living together might not be so bad. She really needs someone to take care of her, and I wouldn't mind. I hate being alone with my thoughts sometimes.

That cup of tea yesterday must have boosted her immune system, because she was back at school two days later, waiting by my locker as always.

"Hi Jude!" she beamed at me.

"Hey, feeling better?" I greeted her with a hug.

"Lots, thank you. Your little visit really lifted my spirits."

"Glad I could help."

"Hey, um, Jude?"

"Yeah?"

"I've been thinking about what you said, about living together. Maybe... maybe it's not such a bad idea. I have to admit, sitting in that house all day by myself really gave me the creeps. The maid only comes by once a week, and I was so delirious I forgot what day it was. I scared her half to death when I attacked her with my makeshift sword."

"Makeshift sword?" I smirked.

"Okay, so it was an old broom handle. The point is, I really could use the company. Do you think it will be okay with your parents?"

"They're okay with it. I already talked to them about it."

Her mouth fell open. "Before I even gave you my answer?!"

"I figured it would save time to ask them early, in case you said yes."

"And if I had said no?"

"Then I would've said you changed your mind."

"Why are they so cool with you living with some strange girl?"

"I have no idea. I think it's because they assume I'm not into girls."

She giggled, and I couldn't help but laugh too. It's strange... my sexuality has become a joke, but a small inside joke between me and my friend. I think that's what makes it okay.