You Suck at Love

Jonah sat down next to me in chemistry. He seemed more nervous than usually - actually, more stressed out than nervous. His foot was tapping rapidly, and he chewed on his pencil so much it actually snapped in half. He frowned, tossed it in his backpack, then pulled out a new pencil and chewed away again.

I tapped him on the shoulder. He didn't notice. "Jonah?" I spoke to him. "Jonah, are you okay?" I tapped him again. He jumped and looked at me. "Oh, hi Jude." and went back to chewing on his pencil. I raised an eyebrow, but class began before I could question him further. When the bell rang later for break, I tried talking to him again.

"Dude, what's up with you? You seem really bothered by something."
He looked at me, then looked down and sighed. "It's my mom. She wants to throw me this massive birthday party."
"So... what's wrong with that?"
"First of all, I hate my birthday. Second, I don't have any friends yet, except you. And third, I absolutely HATE my birthday. I kept telling her I didn't want to have a party but she doesn't listen!"
"Why do you hate your birthday so much?"
"I never had a lot of friends. I'm too socially awkward. Birthday parties were spent playing with my demonic cousins."
"Well, why don't you tell her you want to plan your own party?"
"But I don't want a party at all!"
"I know, but if you plan it yourself, you might get away with just going to the mall with me and Gwen."
He stared at me. "You're a genius."
"My mom is like yours. You just need to make them think you're interested in getting involved so they won't feel obligated to do as much work."
"I'm not entirely sure what you just said, but I still think you're a genius."
I smiled. "Thanks. And, you know, I bet you'll make some more friends in time."
He looked at me then shook his head. "I'm terrible at making friends."
"Oh come on, you're not that awkward." I smirked. But he just sighed and turned back to face the board as the bell rang.

After class, I stopped Jonah outside the room.

"You can count on me to come... to whatever you plan to do for your birthday. When is it anyway?"
"...The 16th, but like I said, I really don't want to do anything."
"What would you do on your birthday if your mom didn't plan anything for you - if you could do it all according to how you wanted?"
He shrugged. "Honestly? I'd stay in my room watching scary movies until I forgot about how depressing my life is."

I blinked. I didn't picture Jonah as being very upset about anything, the way he was usually so shy and happy, but I really haven't known him that long, I guess.

"Well, I'm not gonna let you do that."
"Jude-"
"-because I'm gonna be there with you."
"Oh, no - you are NOT coming over to my house. My mom will never shut up about how I have a friend."
"She sounds like Gwen." He smiled. "Why don't we just go to the movies then?"
"Do you think my mom will actually go for that?"
"If you tell her you made a new friend on your own and don't want to scare him off by inviting him to a kiddie party with clowns and balloons. Well, that's what I said to my mom, but she might be slightly different than mine."
"No, that sounds like mine, too." We laughed.
"Why don't we go see that new 3D movie? It's supposed to really gory."
"Ah, I'm broke."
"I'll pay."
He grinned big. "Then... I guess I'll tell her I have plans. Thanks, Jude. See you later?"
"Yeah, later."

He stood a little longer before running off down the hall, much happier than he was this morning.

I felt good knowing that I made him happy, but when I finally realized what just happened, I stopped dead in my tracks.

Did I... just ask Jonah out on a date?

I would usually spend my lunch period hiding in the library from all the other annoying students here, but as soon as the first bell rang, I ran to the cafeteria to find Gwen. She stood talking to two girls I vaguely recognized from around school. I walked up to them. Gwen greeted me with her usual kind smile, but the girls looked at me strangely. The blonde looked at me with disgust and slight annoyance. The brunette looked nervous, like Jonah-level nervous. I stood and waited for Gwen to finish talking to them, and as soon as she said "excuse us", I grabbed her arm and dragged her over to an empty table. I ran a hand through my hair multiple times and I could already tell that she noticed. She looked at my trembling hands and offered a sympathetic smile.

"Oh, sweetie, what's wrong now?"
"I can't... ugh I just... do you know like, when you feel like you've done something really stupid but you're kinda glad you did it anyway?"
She stared at me. "I'm... not quite sure what you mean."
"Like... like you... you stuff a bag of cookies in your mouth just so you won't have to share with your sibling, and even though you feel sick, you don't regret it because they ruined your favorite shirt?"
"Jude-"
"I think I asked Jonah out."
She blinked before her eyes lit up. "You what?"
I squeezed my eyes shut and rubbed my temples. "I just offered to go see a movie together on his birthday since he didn't want his mom to plan him a party. I figured, his mom was like my mom, so telling her he already had plans with a friend would make her happy and she'd leave him alone. So, I said we should go see a movie-"
"Together?"
"Yes, Gwen, that's what 'we' means."
"And you asked him?"
"Yes."
"And he said yes?"
"Yeah, I guess so."
"Did you say you'd pay?"
"...Yeah."
She squealed, making me jump out of my skin. I frowned and closed my eyes tightly.
"What does this mean?" I asked regrettably.
"It means you asked him out. But... are you regretting it?"
"I'm not even sure I actually asked him on a date. I don't see why I'd regret it."
"Because you are antisocial and haven't been on a date in years?"
I glared at her. "Neither of those are true. And whatever, I just offered to hang out so he wouldn't have to deal with his mom."
"Keep telling yourself that."
I rolled my eyes at her. "You know, I told him you and I would BOTH come."
"Why did you do that? We barely know each other."
"I thought it would be better than spending a birthday alone. He hasn't made any other friends yet."
"But he has you." she sang. I shook my head.
"Could you be more childish?"

She said something in response, but I didn't hear her, because at that moment, Jonah walked into my eyesight. He left the lunch line and looked around the cafeteria before seeming to give up and walk out the door, carrying his food with him.

"I see you've noticed he's in this lunch period. Maybe if you spent more time in here, you would've had more time to talk to him."
I looked at her. "What makes you think I want to talk to him?"
"Um, the way you were staring at him just now. You were practically drooling."
"I was not drooling. Can we please stop talking about this?"
She smiled and shrugged.

Lunch was (thankfully) quiet after that. The day went on uneventfully. Mrs. Robi asked me to stay after school for a little while - she needed help moving some of the school's older computers to the storage room. I came to the classroom 162 and waited for her to show. After a few minutes, three other guys came into the room. One of them I didn't know, but the other two I recognized as Owen and his new friend. I turned away and pretended I didn't notice them - immature I know, but I really didn't have anything to say to any of these guys.

I heard someone walked up behind me. "Come on, Jude, don't act like I'm not even here."
"You're the one who chose to ignore me after I rejected you."
He was quiet. "Fuck off, Jude." Owen walked away. Like I care.

Mrs. Robi walked in. "Thank you boys for helping out. We need to transport all of these monitors to the storage room out back. You can leave the monitors on the shelves and the floor if we run out of the space. Leave the mice and keyboards."

We all grabbed a monitor and started lugging them from the computer lab to the storage room. I may not look it, but I'm strong. I know that Owen's strong too because he used to play baseball, before he started to really notice the boys in the locker room and he quit.

We finished in half an hour, so we decided to help move the modems too, which took even less time for some reason. Mrs. Robi thanked us and promised to make sure we get service learning hours for our work before she left. The two guys left but Owen stood waiting for me. I walked up to him.

"What?"
"Why are you mad at me? You told me you needed space, so I'm giving you space."
"I said I didn't want to fool around with you anymore - I didn't say I wanted to stop being friends."
"Well, I really don't think we can be friends without there being some tension."
"You know I don't care. You're the only one bothered by that, and you can't be too bothered if you let it carry on this long."
"What are you talking about?! You told me you wanted to stop! So, I'm putting a stop to it!"
"You don't understand. Do you even know why I wanted it to stop?"
"I-"
"I wanted it to stop for the exact same reason I didn't want it to start in the first place - I didn't want to play with your emotions, and I didn't want either of us to feel used. But that's exactly what's happening!"
"You... you feel used, Jude?"
"Yes. I know in the beginning you were just experimenting, but now, it feels like you don't even wanna hang out with me as a friend anymore, you just want sex. I'm not even a really sexual person, and I'm definitely not emotional. Don't you think this whole situation seemed a bit... weird for me?"
"I never thought it bothered you - you seem so indifferent about everything."
"I know, but as my friend, you should be able to see who I really am. We've known each other for years and I feel like you don't know anything about me."
"I do pay attention to you, Jude, but you're just so hard to read. If you just flat out told me what was bothering you a long time ago, then yeah, I wouldn't have let this carry on for so long. If it really bothers you, we can just be friends."
"Just friends?"
"I swear." He seemed sincere.
"Alright." I sighed.
He smiled and we shook hands before leaving the storage room.

It felt good to have my friend back, but at the same time, I didn't think Owen would learn anything more about me. Gwen paid more attention to how I felt and what was going on. She cared and actually tried to help. Which is why I have no intention of telling Owen about this whole confusing Jonah thing...