We'll Tell The Saddest Story Of How We Made It Through This Past Year.

It was about an hour and a half until show time, and I was backstage getting ready. Sammie was with me. I had decided that I wanted to spend some quality time with her. She loved being backstage with me, she aid that it made her feel 'important.' So I had let her come this time.

She was bouncing around, excited about being backstage with me and excited that she was up past her bedtime. It was refreshing, really, seeing someone who was so genuinely happy and in awe of everything.

She ran around, pointing out various things and wanting to know what they were used for and what they did, stuff like that. I had no problem at all answering her questions. She played with my hairstuff, and I offered to straighten her hair. She squealed in delight and instantly accepted.

"Do it like yours. I want it nice and soft like yours," she insisted. "And I want hairspray. Lots and lots of hairspray."

"Sure," I said, and set about doing her hair. She was a good client, she didn't wiggle or anything and she praised me every 5 seconds. It's funny, really, how kids were able to make us feel like kings without even trying. They loved us and we didn't have to do anything except be ourselves.

"Can I ask you something?" she asked me suddenly, her eyes big and innocent, staring up at me. I felt suddenly uncomfortable.

"Sure honey, you know you can ask me anything."

"Are we going to get to keep Gabby?"

I shifted uncomfortably. I didn't really know how to answer this and I suddenly wished that Alex was with me. Alex always had all of the answers - he'd know what to say without a fail. But Alex wasn't here, he was somewhere with Flyzik, dealing with some problem with one of the venues. So it was up to me to answer this little princess as honestly and simply as I could.

"Well, honey, it's not always simple. We won't know for another month if Gabby can stay and be your sister - it depends on the people at the agency. You remember Mrs. Breatten, right?" I said, picturing the kindly but stern older woman who ran the adoption agency.

"Yes," Sammie said. "She has gray hair and fishies and she said that she has to make sure that 'these two young men's life styles are suitable to the upbringing of a small child'. What does she mean by that?"

"Well," I squirmed slightly. "Whenever anyone is trying to adopt a baby, they have to undergo tests. To make sure that they can take care of the baby, to make sure that no one they are with will hurt the baby, to make sure that they have the money to buy the baby what it needs to be happy and healthy."

She frowned. "But that's easy. You love Gabby, everyone here loves Gabby, and I know you have a lot of money because you always buy us toys and treats."

My heart melted and I wished for a minute that I could go back and see things through the rose colored glasses that children saw through. I remembered when I was six going on seven. Everything had seemed so simple then - I'd thought my parents were the best in the world, I'd had a great time with Joe and May, and I never lacked anything. It was only as I got older that I'd started noticing the differenced between my family and other familys. Especially the Gaskarths. I'd realized that while I'd never been lacking material things, I'd been lacking love.

But that would never happen to Gabby and Sammie, I promised myself. No matter how bad things got, Gabby and Sammie would never feel unloved. Alex and I would always put them first. Always.

"It's not that easy, baby. Normal families don't like in a bus on the road - they stay at home and the kids go to school and play with their friends and have pets and big room and a backyard."

Sammie wrinkled her nose. "I still have school, silly. Four hours every day. And I have Baz and Peyton and I have plently of parks to play in. I like this life. Gabby likes it too, doesn't she?" She looked suddenly worried. I had to change the subject because it was really hard getting into this with a seven year old, no matter how bright she was.

"I'm sure she does, and we'll always try and make it fun and happy. But you'll still have to do your schooling."

"I hate school," she moaned. "Can't Gabby do my school for me?"

I laughed. "Can Gabby write?"

She shook her head, and I ruffled her hair. "Then I guess Gabby can't do your school, can she? Besides, there has to be something you like about school."

She brightened. "I like looking at pretty pictures of faraway places. I want to see them all one day."

My heart swelled with love for the child sitting in front of me. She was so young yet so aware of everything going on around her. She'd been through a lot but she still managed to smile everyday and laugh everyday. She was, ironically enough, my inspiration as much as I was hers.

"You can do anything you want to do, sweetheart. If you want to see them all, you'll see them all."

She beamed at me. "You really think so?"

"I know so."

We talked for a few more minutes about some of her favorite pretty places. She was fixated on Italy and Australia mostly. And she told me about some of the animals that she was learning about, and the books that she was reading. She confided that she hated numbers and thought they were a waste of time. I listened to every word she said, basking in every moment I had with her.

We then started to color. Alex and I kept a bunch of the girl's stuff with us in our bags because we never knew when our babysitter was going to get sick or something, and we knew that the girls, Sammie especially, liked to stay busy.

Sammie covered her drawing, telling me that she didn't want to me to see it until she was done. I complied and looked away, focusing on my drawing of Baz.

About 20 minutes before our set, Matt came over to us. "Time for the little one to head to bed,"he said, holding out his hand. "Come with Mattie, we'll go tuck you in with Gabby."

She shook her head and clung to me. "Not leaving, stay right here." It was obvious by her voice that she was getting tired, though.

"Go on Sammie, I'll see you in the morning," I said, trying to hand her over to Matt. But she clung to me, refusing to let go. I shook my head at Matt and rolled my eyes.

"She's stubborn just like you, Jack-o. Just because she's not blood doesn't mean that she can't act like you," he said, rolling his eyes right back at me. "Come on sweetie, how about we have a bowl of ice cream before you go to bed?"

"She's not supposed to-" I started to say, but Sammie had already tranferred herself to Matt and was pulling on his hand, eager to go.

Before Sammie left, she held out her drawing, folded in two. "Don't look at it until I'm gone," she said with a stern little voice.

I put it in my pocket and shook my head at Matt. Resorting to bribery with a little kid. I could just imagine what kind of father he'd make.
He winked at me and waved, and Sammie turned and waved, a cute little flutter of her hands. I waved back and turned back to my dresser. There was a note stuck to it.

Jacky,
Meet me in room 4a, just down the hall from here. Make it quick, we go on in 15 minutes, but I need to tell you something and it can't wait ;) See you soon.
Alex xo

I smiled at the note and walked down the hall to room 4a. Knowing Alex, he wanted a quick make out session before the show started. Or he wanted to see how things had gone with Sammie. We'd decided that one on one time with the girls would be a good way to bond with them. Bonding was one of the things that the agency stressed the most - if we were unable to get close to the girls, then it wouldn't work. I understood completely - these were kids coming from broken homes. They didn't need to go to another home where the parents weren't going to be a part of their lives.

I passed Zack and Rian in the hall. They shot me a puzzled look because I was walked away from the stage, but when I smiled and waved, they smiled and waved back.

I got to room 4a and opened the door. It was dark inside, and I didn`t see anyone. I felt around for a light switch but couldn`t find one. There was a lamp in the far corner, and I decided to walk over to it.

"Alex?" I called. I didn't see anybody, but I walked further into the room. Maybe he'd gotten the room wrong. Or maybe he was waiting in the corner to jump me, I thought with a chuckle. I reached the lamp and pulled the switch.

The bulb glowed for a minute and went out. Great. It looks like the light was burnt.

"Lex, if you're here, I don't like this choice of room. There isn't very much light, and besides we have to be onstage in 10 minutes. Let's just go."

I turned to walk back out when the door suddenly slammed shut. The room was plunged into instant darkness, and I freaked out. Panic set in - I was terrified of the dark. I ran over to the door, turning the knob desperately. The door appeared to be locked. I slammed into it with my shoulder a few times, but it appeared to also be very solid and my shoulder ached after just a few tries.

I pounded on the door. "Hello? Someone? Help me!"

There was no answer from outside - by now, everyone would be assembled in their places and freaking out because I wasn't there.

I continued pounding on the door for at least 5 minutes but there was no answer. I gave up and sank to the ground, tears pooling in my eyes. It looked like I was stuck here, in the dark, all alone, while my band mates freaked out because I was about to miss my first show ever.

Things were already so tense between me and Alex that I could just imagine what this was going to do to us. It was his fault, damn it. Why did he have to send me a note telling me to meet him here and not show up?

And why would the damn door close all of a sudden? Doors didn't just close on their own, for fuck sakes.

A lone tear slid down my cheek and I rested my head in my hands. I remembered Sammie's drawing and pulled it out of my pocket. With the dim light coming under the door, I was able to make out a picture of the four of us, a happy family. Alex and I were stick figures holding hands while Sammie was a smaller stick figure holding the hand of an even smaller stick figure - it wasn't hard to figure out who was who.

I wished that I could see it clearer - if only I had a light. And then I remembered that I had put my cell phone in my pocket. I pulled it out and turned it on. The room illuminated with light. But that was about all it was good for - I had no service at all in this tomb of a room.

I examined the picture closely and it made me smile and tear up again at the same time. Alex and I looked so happy. Even as stick figures, you could tell we were in love. It had been a long time since he'd looked at me like that. I kept screwing things up, even though it wasn't intentional.

I could just imagine what they would be thinking that I'd be doing. After the incident with Kyle and the rum and coke the other day, everyone had been keeping more of an eye on me. Even though it hadn't been my fault.

I tried telling myself that they were doing it out of love and kindess but it didn't feel that way to me. It felt like they were suffocating me.

And I felt like I was suffocating now. I tried the door again, cried out again, desperation in my voice. Nothing worked, no one came.

"This does NOT look good," I said with a sigh and dropped my head in my hands again. "This is NOT good."