The Sheddies. A Convoluted Love Story.

June. Year of the Ox

She was sitting across from me. In the small, square, white room she was glowing. Her hair was fiery red and looked like it was burning to the touch, her posture was so unusual. In a chair in front of me her knees were up to her chest with chin resting on them. She was so insanely beautiful I had to keep my thoughts in the appropriate category. I was trying to stop undressing her with my eyes. "Lovely, what do you want?" it had been a month since the first fight, the first split. I was scared, because I knew that even now she wasn't really mine. John reminded me of this every day when he kissed her on the cheek or flirted with her. She was fair game now. I couldn't tell if she was rolling as hard as I was. Before she pulled me here she, Brittni and Jordan had stood in one of those chick circles. The ones where you know shit's going down, but you're not sure what. No girl gets into a girl circle without plotting to destroy something.

"I-I'm leaving," she said, just like that, I had already known. I could tell by the way her friends (and others who weren't close) had been gathering around her for the past few days. I didn't need to hear it. I knew the relationship with her father had been getting worse for the last ten months, and I could only imagine what happened after Turtle. I shivered.

"But-" I started.

"No, Spenc, you don't understand," she was saying matter-of-factly. Her emotions were totally shut off, I could just see it, "if I don't leave it'll only get worse for me. I don't to get worse. I want to get better!"

"But Lo- But there's nothing wrong with you, Lovely! There's nothing wrong with you at all! You're the most amazing girl I've ever met." I sounded so desperate, but I didn't care. I needed her more than I needed anything else.

"Spencer, I got you hurt, don't you see that? I ruined your life... and... turtle..." she was too afraid to finish that sentence. I couldn't see through the mask that was so perfectly hiding any emotion. She seemed dead.

"Lovely, you've got to stop blaming yourself. What happened happened, and there's no fixing the past. Please, don't say this."

"I'm sorry Spencer," and I knew she was shutting down. The only thing that kept her going was her heartbeat. My heart was being ripped out, my ears felt like they were bleeding, my face was on fire, and everything else was numb. How the fuck could she not feel anything right now? "I- can't- I'm leaving." I remembered then how badly these confrontations hurt her but all I could think of was that i couldn't breathe. The love of my life, gone?

I knew I could say anything and tear her to pieces. My brain and my heart and soul were shoving me to that, tear her apart! my body was chanting. I wanted to hit something. I wanted to hurt her as badly as she hurt me, I wanted to make her cry and sob and be broken. My fist collided with the wall at the same time that a squeak came out of my lips, "no." then, I thought surely I wouldn't and couldn't sway her with that and bellowed, "Fuck NO!"

She looked at me, as though sizing me up. She didn't crack. Not one bit. Her perfect facade was still there, she had expected this. It had always been a shock to her when I screamed back. "Mom has custody of me. I can move in there whenever I want." her voice was small, but sure. Commanding. She always got me to shut up when she used that voice. I did.

"Lovely, please, think about me..." my begging was becoming more and more pathetic. She always got the fucking best of me.

"I don't want to fucking think about you for once, Spencer! I devoted my life to you for nine months, and I'm tired of thinking of you!" Her voice was too harsh. She would regret these words soon enough, but for now I let her explode. "I don't wanna regret my life! I don't," she breathed in, holding back tears, "I don't want to fail high school, or get pregnant, or kill my friends!" her voice broke in the middle of 'friends.' This made my throat swell shut.

"Lovely," She broke me off again,

"Spencer, I spent a a month in a psych ward. I've watched three people OD and just fucking die and there was nothing I could do! Doing nothing is as good as killing them. I'm done with this game," she was so close to tears I could practically smell them

I looked at her again. Her eyes, once such a bright green were clouded, tired. It broke my heart. Everything about her face was off, her mouth had formed into a semi-frown. She was biting her bottom lip. She did this when she wanted me to kiss her. I watched as my hands reached out, resting on her bony shoulders and pulled her toward me. We were standing now, sometime in the middle of the screaming we had stood up.

"No," a finality in her voice scared me, "Spencer, no. I'm done. I'm done ruining your life."

"You can't be done..." I murmured "you can't be because-"

"I'm sorry," the dead, monotonous tone was back, "I'm really done." I knew she was hurting. I knew by asking her to stay here I was hurting her. She shook her head, "I'm sorry Spencer," the words were edged like razors, my little lioness was crying. She turned and wiped her eyes quickly. She thought I didn't notice, "I love you Spencer, I really do," and for the first time she looked me dead in the eye.

"No you don't, we both know you don't, we both know," I repeated.

"Fuck," she hissed.

"Fuck," I repeated. Her eyes took me in one more time.

"Get better," I nodded, I knew I wouldn't. I knew once she left it would all get worse. Now, as she breathed in a couple of times and stepped out into the world oblivious to mine, oblivious to what had just happen I let it all break. She laid her head on Jordan's shoulder, jumping into the conversation with fake enthusiasm. Her best friend tossed me a sorry look, I only barely saw this because tears were strolling down my cheeks and my head was in my hands.

My world just crashed around me, and I felt nothing more than a throbbing pain that started no where and ended everywhere. I needed this minute, before I could get up and stroll out.