To Love And Back.

Those days without John were a living hell.
It was hard not to text him or call him, but I knew it was the best for us to be a part for a while. I knew that I would have gotten back to him as soon as I felt better, what I was afraid of was the worry of knowing that he didn’t want me anymore because Erin already made her move. But John loved me, right? And he told me he would have waited for me, right?

It had been two weeks that I didn’t see him or talk to him. I always wondered what was he doing or where he was, always hoping he was alone or with his brothers and not with her. Sometimes Kennedy passed by and said hi, telling me how was he doing. And I knew that he would have told John how I was as well one he would have come back to his house. He was like a messenger. I know I could have easily asked John how he was doing myself, and most of the times I really wanted to hear something from him, but I thought it would have been pointless. How could I manage to go back the way I was before I felt in love with him, if I couldn’t stay away? I needed some time a part from him just because I knew our relationship was becoming a mess and because I really felt trapped. John was a drug to me, and I became addicted. I needed to stop feeling freightened from Erin, and most of all I needed to stop being hurt by only thinking he could have cheated on me. I knew John loved me, right?
I knew that he would have never cheated on me, especially with her, right?

All I did every day was just studying and studying. The only things that distracted me from my thoughts were the books I had to read and study for my classes. Most of the times I finished my days in the library, just right before it had to close. I just needed a way out.

That morning I was headed to class when I spotted a very well known figure seated on a bench. I basically stopped in the middle of the street, and looked at him from distance.
My heart was pounding and my legs became weaker. I couldn’t deny how I felt when I saw him, or just thought of him. If I wasn’t in love with him forreal, all that would have been useless. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t have felt like that.
He was wearing black skinny jeans, converse shoes, his black leather jacket and a beanie. I couldn’t see his green eyes because they were covered by black rayban lens.
I stared at him while he was drinking probably his favorite cappuccino from a paper cup, and then starting smoking a cigarette, something he never did when we were together but that made him terribly sexy. John was just the most perfect creature I could have put my eyes on. He was just amazing.

I wanted to walk up to him and ask him if he was alright and if he missed me the way I missed him. I wanted to tell him I loved him and that he just had to wait a little more, but he didn’t have to worry because sooner or later I would have come back to him, with any doubt.
Although, I was afraid of his reaction. I didn’t know if he wanted to see me or if he was angry at me for breaking up with him. Then I remembered how I would have acted in the past, and as I really wanted to be stronger again as I was before I could meet him, I decided to step up and reach him. I’m sure he was pretty much shocked when he saw me walking to him with such determination. In the meanwhile, my heart was about to explode step by step.
I sat next to him and watched as he let the smoke contaminate the air.

“Hey” he looked at me behind his sunglasses and smiled weakly. I tried to do the same.

“I’m impressed”

“What’s so weird to be impressed of?” it was weird to talk to him after two weeks.

“I didn’t think you had the guts to come here actually” I thought he probably saw me then, while standing on the other side of the street.

“Well, as you see, you were wrong”

“I’m glad I was” I felt something from my stomach, as if someone was kicking me from the inside. It was a strange feeling, but I knew why it was happening.

“How are you holding up?”

He took another drag from the cigarette he was smoking “Could be better, how about you?”

“Same here”

We both stared at people walking in front of us, with nothing else to say. It was so awkward.
In my mind I had so many things I wanted to tell him, but didn’t have the guts –as he said- to do it. We stayed in silence for a while before he could totally take my breath away.

“I miss you, Andy” those words hit me like an earthquake.

I waited for a couple of seconds before answer back with a shy “I miss you too, John”. I just couldn’t lie, I really did miss him.

“I didn’t call you or text you in the last two weeks because I thought you needed space, you know? But damn, it was so hard”

“It was hard not to call you or text you as well, if that comforts you”

“It does” he replied, making a weak smile “I just want us to be back together”

“I want it as well, believe me” he sighed deeply and then I felt his hand searching for mine. I let him take it and I felt then he was shaking, like when you are nervous for something. That totally melted my heart.

It all would have been perfect if my phone didn’t beep. I knew it probably was Kennedy who was telling me to hurry up because the class was already started, but I really couldn’t give a damn right there and then. Being there with John was worth losing a class or two.

“Are you doing anything in the next two hours?” he asked.

“Well I had classes but I can easily skip them”

“I really need to show you something and I would like to do it now, if you’re ok with it” I nodded and still with our fingers etwined, we got up the bench and walked a lot until we got to the Theta Chi house. I was curious, so I just followed John up to his room with no questions.
Of course, nothing changed from the last time I was in it.
John closed the door and asked me to sit on the bed and wait. I did all he said and stared at him as he took a sit on a chair with a guitar in his hands.

“I’ve been writing a lot of stuff lately” he explained, before starting playing and singing.
I never heard his voice before and I never imagined he was so good at singing. I knew he wrote lyrics and poems, I knew he could play guitar and piano. But I didn’t know he also had a good voice and that he knew how to use it.

“Went outside and saw the moon
And it made me think of you
And the rain it came, and came
There you were inside my brain

I've been thinking of you
I've been thinking of you

Drive there in my car
I heard the radio
Play that dylan song
The times that you were dreaming
But you still haven't changed your mind
So I sang and sang along
I was singing along
I've been thinking of you
I've been thinking of you
I've been thinking of you
I've been thinking of you

Cause she's in my head
And I can't take it
I need you by my side
So I'll take the chance and I'll drive 'till dawn
To show you I'm the one

Went outside and saw the moon
And it made me think of you

I've been thinking of you
I've been thinking of you
I've been thinking of you
I've been thinking of you”

At that point I was completley amazed. The song and the lyrics were just amazing and he was as well. I was so lucky to know someone like that guy and I decided to break up with him because I was just selfish. I didn’t want to rush things, but I really couldn’t stay there without saying something and make him understand how much I loved him.
He put the guitar on the floor and smiled to me.

“I hope you like it, I mean it’s about you so...”

I couldn’t believe my ears “Is it really?”

“Yes, of course. Every song I wrote is about you, why are you so shocked?”

I shrugged my shoulders “I just think you are amazing John, and...I’m so stupid for letting you go, I was so afraid of feeling hurt that I forgot the most important thing about us”

“That is...?”

“That I love you John”

He smiled wide and got up the chair to sit on the bed next to me. We were so close that it wouldn’t have taken a lot for us to touch. And that’s what happened.

“I love you too Andy, and I can’t wait for the moment you will decide to get back together... I mean I’m not going anywhere, just feel better and when you will be 100% sure just come back to me. I’ll be here waiting for you”

I smiled to him and leaned to hug him. I needed his body next to mine in that moment. I needed to know he was there nevertheless. I felt his lips on my cheek, so I looked at him deeply in those big green eyes, knowing what I wanted. I wanted him.
I leaned closer and make my lips crush into his softly. I didn’t know if that meant we were going back together or what, I just knew that in that moment he was what I needed and I followed my feelings. Is it necessarly something bad?
He kissed me back and looked at me, like asking if I was sure, like asking for permission.
He didn’t need it. I kissed him gain, this time looking for his tongue. I found it and make it touch it with mine, slowly. John started touching my body and made me lie down, under him. It took us a long time before we could actually feel each other’s naked body one on the other.
It was a beautiful feeling, something that I missed a lot. We made love for hours, finding ourselves still kissing while laying down together under the blankets.
I wouldn’t have change that moment with anything.

When I got back to my house, in the late afternoon, I thought I was the happiest person alive, and no one was feeling better than me, until I received a text from Kennedy.

“You should come back. Someone is trying to stole something that belongs to you.”

Then I felt afraid again. And I started running back.