Lose Your Pride

I can feel him staring at me, but I can’t look up from my dead friend.

To be honest, I thought I was going to go before Hannah. We had both stood at that cliff, daring each other to jump. Who knew Hannah would actually take the chance?

Gavin finally walks up to me and takes my hand in his. “How are you holding up? I know you and her were best…”

“We weren’t best friends,” I cut him off, taking my hand out of his. He furrows his eyebrows together, but I don’t want to explain it to him. I don’t even want to talk to him. “What do you even want, Gavin? To ruin my life again, like you did in 9th grade?”

He sighs. “Can’t you just get over it? It was one little mistake.”

“That 'one little mistake' ruined my life. And Hannah’s, obviously.” I point at her lifeless body.

Gavin runs his fingers through his hair. “Look. I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t think going after you and her was gonna turn you guys against each other. I don’t know how you feel, but I know that I could use a good friend right now.”

I shrug. “Yeah, I guess I could, too.”

“Let me take you out to dinner after this. We can catch up; we haven’t talked in so long.” I nod slowly and he pulls me into a hug, wrapping his arms softly around me. “I’ve missed you so much, Chanel.”

…..

By the time the funeral is over, I’m feeling much too lethargic to even do anything. I want to go home, but I allow Gavin to drag me to his car. After he helps me into the passenger seat, he walks around to the driver’s side and climbs in. “Where do you want to eat?” he asks as he starts the car.

I could eat anything. Eating is for fat, ugly people. I shrug. “I really just want to go home, Gavin.”

I feel him looking at me, watching me. “I know you just lost your best-“

“She wasn’t my-”

He cuts me off. “She was your best friend, god dammit. I know you’re upset and angry and sad, but please don’t push me away. You’re so good at that. I want to be here for you, Chanel.”

I bite down on my bottom lip as tears burn at my eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. I just want you to know that I love you. I’ll always love you as long as you let me.” I don’t respond and I hear him sigh lightly. “Do you still want to eat?” I shake my head and he nods. “We’ll go to my place then.” He turns onto Baker Road and drives a few feet before stopping in front of an apartment complex.

“I didn’t know you live here. I pass this place every day to get to Victoria’s.”

Gavin smirks. “There’s a lot of stuff you don’t know about me.” He climbs out and walks around, opening my door and helping me out. “It’s kinda cold out, you can take my jacket.” Thank God he gave me his jacket. With the weight I'm at now (102.5 pounds), I would have froze in two seconds.

“Thanks,” I smile as he helps me put it on. I follow him into the apartment complex and to the elevator. When we get in, Gavin presses the button with a large 9 on the face of it.

“So what have you been up to? Found a job, going to school, got a boyfriend?” Gavin asks all in one breath.

“I work for a modeling agency, as an intern. I get to sit around, answer phones, get coffee, the works.”

“You should be modeling for that agency. You’re too beautiful to just be an intern.”

I smile and continue. “I’m probably gonna go to school next year. I just moved out of my parent’s house and I want to get back on my feet before I try to go to college. And sadly, I don’t have a boyfriend. I’m not really looking right now.”

He nods. “Yeah, I understand. Relationships are too much.” The elevator stops and he walks out, me following in tow. We walk to door 912 and he puts the key in, opening the door. “Apartment, meet Chanel. Chanel, meet apartment.” I laugh and he smiles, letting me in before closing the door.

“Nice place,” I look around, “it’s cute. I mean, besides the dirty clothes and dirty dishes.” I step over a pair of boxers.

Gavin shrugs. “What can I say? I’m a man. And I don’t have a wife named Chanel to clean up after me and feed me and pleasure me.” I smile. “God, do you remember how we always talked about that? 8th grade, we told everybody we were gonna get married.”

“Hannah was mad at me for like a month,” I whisper softly. He sighs and walks over to me, running his fingers through my hair.

“Chanel.”

“I’m fine.” I feel tears build up in my eyes as Gavin strokes my face.

“It’s okay, Chanel.” He’s leaning closer. I can feel his breath on my face. “We can get through this together.” His lips are almost touching mine. “I love you.” His lips are on mine. My lips are on his. His lips are perfect, they fit perfectly between mine. His hands fit perfectly on my hips. My arms fit perfectly around his neck. My fingers feel perfect in his brown hair.

Everything is so perfect.

Then he pulls away and stares into my eyes. “I know what will make us both feel better.” I bite on my bottom lip as he takes his jacket off of me. “Do you want to feel better?”

I bite on my bottom lip once more before nodding. “Yes.”

He smiles before pulling me in for another lustful kiss. I wrap my arms tightly around him, yearning to feel something. Maybe this is what I’ve wanted the whole time.

To finally feel something again.

…..

The sun is setting when I wake up. Our clothes are scattered all over Gavin’s room. He’s asleep, his arm draped over my nude waist. I wiggle out of his arms, careful not to wake him and walk to his bathroom.

As I’m shutting the door, a wave of emotions overcomes me. How could I just sleep with Gavin like that? How could I just sleep with my dead best friend’s ex-boyfriend like that? I’m such a horrible person. She fucking deserves it for being so horrible to me while she was alive.

I open the door to the bathroom. He’s still asleep. I tiptoe out and grab my phone before walking back to the bathroom. I dial Victoria’s number.

“Hey CC.” Victoria Monroe and I have been best friends since fourth grade, way before Hannah even came into the picture. Victoria is black and she loves flaunting it. Every conversation she’s in, she has to bring up the fact that she’s black. I used to hate it, but I’ve grown used to it now. “Have you eaten anything today?”

I bite on my bottom lip. I hate when Victoria brings up my eating disorder. She’s one of the only people who actually know about it. She usually doesn’t say anything, but she told me she thinks Hannah dying might “set me off” and “cause me to relapse”.

“Yeah, I’m over at Gavin’s. He fed me.”

“You and Gavin are talking again? Chanel, I don’t know if I feel comfortable with that.” I didn’t feel comfortable about it either, but I don’t say anything.

“He’s changed, Victoria.”

“I won’t believe it ‘till I see it.”

“Any parties tonight? I’m in the mood to get fucked up,” I tell her.

“We’ll find one. Call me later.” I tell her okay and hang up, leaving the bathroom. Gavin’s awake now, staring at me from the bed.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” I whisper.

He sits up. “I don’t want things to be awkward between us.”

I want to tell him that it might be too late for that, but I nod. “Me, too.”

“Come here.” I walk to the bed and climb in, pulling the cover over me. He pulls me into his arms and I close my eyes, loving the warmth of his body next to mine. It feels good to have somebody here who actually cares about me. “What time is it?”

“Hmm, around 8.”

His arms unwrap from around me and he’s up in a flash. “Fuck! It’s already 8. You have to go, Chanel.” He picks up my clothes and hands them to me. I climb off the bed and pull my underwear on.

“Why?”

“My girlfriend’s gonna be here any minute now.”

“Your girlfriend?!” I yell.

He runs his fingers through his hair. “Chanel, it's not-“

“Don’t fucking talk to me.” I pull my dress on and grab the rest of my clothes.

“How are you gonna get home?”

“I’ll fucking walk.” I snatch my heels from him and he pulls on his boxers, chasing me out of his apartment.

“Chanel, at least let me give you a ride home.”

“No.” I turn around. “You know what you can do? Stay the fuck away from me. All that ‘I wanna be there for you’ and ‘I’ll make you feel better’ and 'relationships are too much work', was all bullshit! I should have fucking known. You haven’t changed one bit. I can’t believe you.” I feel the tears well up in my eyes and I storm to the elevator. He runs up to it as it's closing.

“I’m sorry, Chanel.”

I scoff and sit down, pulling my heels on as the elevator moves. It stops on the 8th floor. The guy looks down at me and chuckles before stepping in. He presses the garage floor button. He looks about twenty, maybe a little bit older. He has sandy brown hair that’s cut short and sexy hazel eyes.

My stomach starts to hurt (probably from the lack of food) and I groan softly. He looks back at me. “You okay?”

I nod. “Stomachache. But I’m fine.”

He furrows his eyebrows together. “You don’t look fine. Maybe you need some food. You look pretty thin.”

I glare at him before standing up. “I said I’m fine.” I cross my arms over my chest, impatiently waiting to get off the elevator with this degenerate.

He doesn’t talk to me again until we get to floor three. “I’m sorry if I said something that upset you.”

I shrug. “It doesn’t matter.”

“I think it does. My name's John.” He thrusts out his hand for me to take.

“Chanel.” We shake hands and he smiles. We get to floor one and the elevator stops. “This is my stop.”

“See ya around, Chanel,” John smiles and I step out, giving him a half-hearted one in return.

“Maybe.” I hear him laugh as the elevator doors close. I want to smile and be happy that I just had a normal conversation with a normal boy, but I can’t.

Because my best friend just died. Because Gavin fucked me over. Because I’m too hungry fat.