Leis Larsson

Hammy had been kidding when he'd said it wasn't up to me. I was sure of it. Besides with God on my side I could conquer anything. And that was the whole point of this. I would learn how to stand up for myself if it killed me. I could never be a bad kid. Especially if I concentrated specifically against it. I leaned back on my seat and stared out the window. Mr. Kissinger was dictating a passage from 'The Catcher in the Rye,' which we had to read this year. I'd read it before for English class at my old school so it was hard to listen, so instead I just stared out the window and let my mind wander. I thought about Hammy. He was a few months younger than me and already off to college. It was confounding. All three of them were confounding. But so fascinating. To be a part of them was a temptation I was not ready to dismiss. I wondered if it would matter all that much if I became a bad kid in the process. At least I'd get comfortable in my own skin. And I'd get friends. There was nothing bad about having friends, especially if you really needed them.

I leaned over my desk. I thought and thought and thought. The fact was that I was looking forward to hanging out with Hammy a little bit more. He was nice. And he was nice to me in a way that was different from Leis. While Leis was oddly detached and distant, Hammy became assimilated in the conversation and gave you all the attention of a brain surgeon studying a cancerous tumor. Not that it was overwhelming attention of course, I don't mean that. It's just that he gave you this feeling like he truly cared for your opinion when he placed a question before you. I liked Hammy. But I'd still thought mostly of Leis when I was with him, it was a difficult thing to avoid. My heart had sunk to my knees when Leis had left the table but risen back in place after a bit more conversation with Hammy. And besides all that I was his friend. I had never had a single real friend in my entire life, and now, at the drop of hat, I was friends with three of the most interesting people I thought I may ever meet. I was lucky. I couldn't thank God enough.

When English was over I had two more periods, both of which I was barely awake for. Now that I had people in my life all of a suddenly, class seemed far less important than before. I couldn't wait for the bell to ring, indicating the end of school.

I ran across the hallway with my bag bouncing lightly against my back the instant the bell announced freedom. I didn't know where I was going, but I wanted to somehow find Leis and George and Hammy before any of them left. In my hurry I was not looking where I was going. I ended up hitting quite roughly into a human wall and collapsing to a pile on the floor. The hulk turned around after the fact and reached over to help me up. His head was eclipsing the florescent light behind him.

'Hey' he said, raising an eyebrow. 'You aren't Stacey are you?'
'Uh,' I sighed, holding my aching side. 'My name is Duncan.'
'Sorry.' he frowned apologetically. 'You look like what he described. You know Hamilton?'
'Uh, yeah,' I brightened up.
'Told me to look for Stacey, you know him?'
I nodded, but my head was aching now, and it hurt to nod. 'Yeah,' I got it now. 'I guessed he meant me. 'Maybe he forgot my name. He calls me Stacey.'
'Well yeah,' the Hulk nodded. 'You look like a Stacey. Let's go.'
He led the way and I followed. I made a mental note to be more firm when introducing myself. If I wasn't careful the whole school would pretty soon start calling me Stacey, or Sandy.

We entered an almost empty classroom, except that right there in the middle Hammy was sitting up on a desk right near the window ledge. The minute we entered, his smile extended all the way across his face.
'Found him,' the Hulk announced.
'Thanks,' Hammy got up and gave him a piece of paper. 'Expect a B+ or something.'
'Cool. You did that in thirty minutes?'
'Yeah,' Hammy smiled almost apologetically 'I'm gifted.'
The hulk exited and I suddenly felt awkward. Hammy had gone to all that trouble just to find me? It was simultaneously flattering and embarrasing.
'Hey Stace,' he smiled showing his perfect white teeth. 'I couldn't wait all the way till lunch tommorrow to see you again.'
My cheeks absolutely caught fire. 'Yeah,' I mumbled.
'Plus I didn't even know what your last period was, so you know, I couldn't wait for you, could I?'
'Hmm,' I nodded.
'Hey,' He put his arm around me. 'I wanna walk you home.'
'Okay,' I stuttered.

Is it even possible for someone to like two people at the same time? Leis and Hammy. In a period of less than 24 hours things had gotten a hell of a lot more complicated.

As we walked, Hammy went on and on telling me things that were so beyond my scope of knowledge that he had me utterly enthralled. He was telling me about his job, his apartment, his friendship with George and Leis.... He told me where George and Leis had met.

'There's this place you go after Juvie that's kind of like a rehab thing. Kids go there to, you know, do their homework and stuff, catch up on classes they missed. George was there for like a week when he met Leis and they kind of instantly connected.'

'Hmm' I grunted in reply. So Leis really had been to Juvie. I shuddered.

'Yeah, George had to stay for longer cause he had drug offences and stuff. So it was a bit more serious. He found out Leis was going to school here and managed to convince his social worker to get him placed here, then I applied to get placed here. And that's the story of that.'

'So Leis really went to Juvie.' I asked, slightly shaky, remembering the Leis had threatened Forehead.

'Well no. He almost did. He was in for assault but he was acquitted for lack of evidence. He went to that Rehab place cause they were worried about his attitude. He's kind of violent.'

'Oh,' I sighed. That clarification did nothing to placate me.

'And you? You don't say much. Tell me about you Duncan.'

'Uhm. I don't know where to start.'

'Start at the beginning.' Hammy insisted.

'Sure.' I sighed.'I was born in Newark. My dad and mom met, and they got married, then when I was like two they got divorced. My dad got custody and I stayed with him. When I turned fourteen my mom got him subpoenaed and they started sharing custody last year. So I live with my mom during the year, and with my dad during the summer.' How uneventful, I just realised. My life was boring.

'That it? Doesn't explain why you dress like a mormon.'

A mormon? That was new.

'Well. At my old school we wore a uniform . They said dressing respectfully is like respecting the Lord. So I kind of have to.'

'You're religious?' He asked. I think he tried to hide his surprise.

'Uh. Yeah.' I hesitated.

'Oh. Are you, like, very religious? Do you pray and stuff.'

'Yes.' I answered. 'I have to. I pray all the time.'

'And church and stuff? Do you read the bible?'

I nodded.

'Oh,' he seemed disapointed. I wasn't sure what to do about that so I started making up excuses.

'I mean, I have to,' I explained. 'I went to a catholic school since I was young, and my dad was a priest for a while. And I went to church like four times a week when I was younger. It's not really something I can help.'

'No.' he frowned. 'I wasn't saying it like it's a bad thing. It's great, I guess. My aunt was pretty religious, and I loved her. It's okay if you're religious. It's just that I thought....'

'Thought what?'

He stopped walking and looked at me. 'I know I've only known you less than half a day, but I like you, Duncan. I thought you liked me too.'

I was speechless. He'd said it with such calm confidence that it'd taken me completely by surprise.

'You know what?' he frowned. 'Forget it. If you want me to go, its fine. I'll see you around.' And he turned around.

'Wait,' I breathed. 'I like you too.'

He stared at me. Then smiled. 'So you're a gay Catholic?'

'I guess I am.' I shifted from one foot to the other. I felt awkward.

'You're not even a little closeted? Conflicted? Confused?'

I shook my head.

'Lucky me then,' he smiled. 'I had a Muslim boyfriend once. We had to keep it a secret and stuff. It was fucking stressful, you'd understand why I don't really look forward to having a majorly religious boyfriend again, right?'

I nodded. 'But my dad doesn't know. But you'll never meet him I guess. So it's fine. I told my mom so...'

He wrapped his arm around me and the words trailed to nothingness. He went on talking all the way to my mom's place like nothing had happened. And I, meanwhile, couldn't help but marvel at how easy this had been for him. He was that confident. I, on the other hand, had watched and loved Leis for more than a year and barely said more than two words to him that weren't either 'hmm,' or 'okay,'. But I liked Hammy. I liked him too. And as his arm squeezed lightly against my stomach I got the same wonderfully, deliriously queasy feeling I got when Leis gave me eye contact. At the moment there was no conflict in my mind, I loved them both and the fact nestled itself peacefully in my mind. The problems it would cause in future were barely embryonic, infact not an inkling of dread existed at all between my heart and that fact. But I would pay for not choosing one and only one. I would pay in the most terrible way.

For the moment though, my thoughts were with Hammy. He was going on and on about college and I loved it.

'I guess,' he mused out loud. 'I'll try and find a course I can do in two years or something. I can't stand the idea of four whole years in school, even if it is college. I hate school, you know. Sucks that I'm smart and all, I wish I had some other talent like singing. Then I wouldn't have to do this shit at all, you know? Still, I have to think about George. I kind of feel like I have to take care of him, maybe it's the same way he feels like he has to take care of Leis. I mean, maybe. I don't know. He can take care of himself though. He's got a job and everything, but he's my best friend and even if he graduates, which i'm sure he will, I can't see him keeping a good job. The asshole keeps getting his ass fired cause he can't stand authority. I mean none of us can but at least I fucking try. I'll get an easy high paying job like a consultant or something, consultants get truckloads of cash for almost no work, you know. The thing is that I'd like to do a science course, but I can't stand the idea of all that time studying and testing shit. Writing extensive notes is so not my shit. It's pretty cool that I won't have to go to school until August next year, that means you and I can hang out, cause I won't have to go to school, then work, then school then work.'

We were nearing my apartment building. I paused at the stoop.