Leis Larsson

He disentangled himself from me and smiled sincerely. My legs turned to jelly.

'I'll see you tomorrow,' he grinned.

I stared after him as he walked off. I wanted to just stand there and watch him leave, watch him walk for as long as I possibly could until he turned a corner or faded into the horizon. But that would have been awkward, so I tore myself away, and headed up the stairs.

I opened the front door and found myself in hotel lobby. I was in such a state of pure infatuation that I slid down the wall, slinking to the floor with my thoughts filled with Hammy. I thought about his narrow brown eyes, staring into them some late night. I thought of kissing him. I thought of loving him. I wanted it so much it burned a warm hole in my body.

Some guy walked past, and the look he gave me prompted me back to my feet.

I entered my mom's apartment to find her on the couch. She was biting her nails, staring at the television in such a way that it was very clear she was not watching. She looked worried, which worried me.

'You okay?' I asked the instant I walked in.
'Oh yeah.' she smiled unconvincingly. 'I didn't here you come in.'
'I just--'
'Oh my god!' she blasphemed. Her mood was suddenly perked like some unseen force had awakened her in that silent moment. 'Was that him!?'
'Uh,' I frowned. I usually took a while to get on the same page as her.
'That kid down there? Was that cup boy?'
'Oh,' I was suddenly excitable as well.'No! Oh Mom that's Hammy!'
'Who's Hammy?'
'He's friends with cup boy.'
'Aw.' she sighed. 'Did you settle?'
'Mom! No! Hammy's so wonderful. He's so smart and nice. And he said he likes me mom! He really said he likes me!'
'Wow!' My mom's exclaimed. 'Shit goes fast for you kids. Cup Boy's already yestarday's news, now Hammy's the shit. Oh God how the fuck am I gonna keep up with you?'
'No! Mom. I liked Leis for a whole year, remember and he didn't... well Hammy actually likes me. So it's different. '
'I don't believe that for a second,' she smiled triumphantly. 'Remember how excited you were about Cup Boy? Or Leis.. whatever. You can't tell me you're over him already, that was a few days ago, it as almost fucking yesterday. I refuse to believe you're over him.'
'Mom...' I whined.
'You can ignore me sweety. I didn't go to work today. Daytime t.v will make you will make you fucking crave drama, you know?'

***

I'll tell you a little bit. As little as I have to at least, this was the period before things suddenly began unwinding. It was all easy for me for a while. When I was at school I had lunch and hung out with George and Leis, and after school I hung out with Hammy. I loved him. And he loved me to. It was idyllic for long enough. It made me pointlessly idealistic. Every time we moved a little bit further in our relationship I made a little moral allowance for myself. Our first kiss I rationalized the fact that no part of the bible said you can't actually kiss. Religiously, kisses happened all the time. The first time he touched me and we fondled, I decided that if we weren't actually having sex it as fine. I was still a virgin. Mutual masturbation was a different story.

He was leaning against me, I was panting, fucked up with lust. Fucked up trying to control it at the same time. I loved how he was when we made out. I loved how visceral he became. The way his eyes clouded with anticipation when he neared me. It made me feel helpless in the most delicious way possible. I knew he'd make me feel good whether I liked it or not. We were lying together at the moment, the most heated section behind us. At this point we usually descended into gentle slow kissing. Then we cuddled.

He was looking at me. I leaned up and pressed my lips against his, beckoning him to press his body against mine, so we could become entangled once more. He didn't reciprocate. So I hovered awkwardly beneath him in mid air while he looked blankly at me. I slumped back down on my pillow and turned my head, I didn't like that he was just staring at me.

'You know,' he finally said after what felt like ages. 'We've been dating for three months.'
'Hmm,' I nodded. I looked at him. 'Yeah, I know that.'
'Why won't you let me?' For a second I had no idea what he was talking about. The wounded look on his face gutted me completely and with pure innocence I asked. 'Let you what?'
'You know what.' he sighed. 'I don't get why we can't just touch even. It's not sex.'
I looked at him in complete silence. 'You know I can't,' I eventually whispered.
He got sad, clearly exasperated with me and my morals. It hurt me. He got off me and sat at the edge of the bed.
'It's not my fault,' I groaned.
'Look,' he frowned. 'I'm only human,and I'll try as much as the next guy to respect your religion. But can't you feel my hard-on when we make out?'
'Yes,' I sussed out quietly, staring at the ground.
'And?'
'I try to ignore it Hammy. I have to.'
'But can't you tell that it means I want you. In more ways than just this.'
'But—'
'I'm seventeen Bunny... it's not an easy thing to keep under control you know.'
'Hammy....' I swallowed hard. 'I'm sorry.'
'It's not your fault.'
'I'll understand if.... If you want to have sex with someone else. Or if you want to leave me...' The hardest words I'd ever had to say.
'Oh Stace.' He climbed back on the bed and leaned over me. He wiped the tears rapidly descending my cheeks. 'I'll never leave you. I'll never cheat on you. I already know I'll wait until we can get married.. which, you know, might be a while. Unless we move someplace. Let's move to Canada after I graduate.'
'Yeah,' I smiled.
'We'll get married, on our wedding night I'll show you everything I learned over the years.'
And just like that my groin got hot. I pressed my body down hard against the martress, praying my boner wouldn't show.
He pressed his body down against mine. I loved the heaviness of his form descendent against mine. It didn't help my hard on.
'And I,' he whispered against my neck, tickling the skin. He sent my mind spiralling with desire. 'Will love you so much you won't walk straight for weeks.'
It was too much.'Get off me,' I groaned.
I tried to push him off, but I've always been a weakling.
'What's the matter,' he asked without moving an inch.
'Get off me!'I shouted.
That terrible wounded look on his face. The look that was so full of questioning. What did I do? Are you Okay? Did I hurt you? Can I fix it?
'Is that all you think about?'I screamed. He got off me. He retreated to quite a distance beyond my feet. I was very aware of the bulge in my jeans and thought that surely he was aware too.
'Stace... You aren't being fair.'
'No. You aren't being fair! You aren't being fair at all! Why are you trying to get me to do something you know I can't? I told you I have to stay pure. Why won't you listen to me? Why are you trying to pressurise me?'
Hammy shot to his feet. 'What in the hell are you talking about? I haven't done anything for shit's sake. I've been trying like fuck to stay 'chaste'. What the hell is this? Adding insult to injury?'
I wasn't listening to him. Inside me a whole spring had suddenly come undone and all these things I'd never told anyone suddenly exploded with burning emotion. The minute I opened my mouth again my throat was painful, my eyes stung and I was lightheaded.
'It's not fair Hammy! It's not even fair because I don't want to go to hell! God is going to forsake me because of this, because of everything! All my sins Hammy! I'm going to burn in hell forever!' I was shaking, my heart was racing. I was hysterical. I screamed: 'Its not fair! It's just not. I should-- I should have never been born and-- and-- I – I –'

Hammy was holding me. I was crying into his clothes. I was just shaking, sobbing and crying. 'I have to atone for my sins,' I mumbled shakily. 'If I don't then... then I might lose you Hammy. I might lose mom. God will smite me. I'll die right now. The devil is in me. I can feel it. Ever since I was young he was in me Hammy. I can't... Since I was a kid.'
'No. No, no no,' Hammy whispered into my hair.
I ignored him. I knew what I was talking about. 'Satan was in me. He was in my soul. I had no soul. I ran around and broke things and forsook God. I was a little demon. I'll always be a little demon. I was a sinner from the womb just.. just like-- Just like my mom.' I broke down then. There was no more that could be said.
'Oh baby,' Hammy cooed quietly. 'Sweety. I love you more than you know. I'll keep you safe. Even God won't hurt you.'
I didn't mind that he was blaspheming, I didn't mind at all. I sat in his arms,on my bed. My sobs were lessening, my eyes were swollen from crying, and my throat stung from my sudden hysteria; I was calming down. By now it was dark outside.

'Don't you need to go home?' The words scratched through my throat.
'Only when you stop needing me,'he replied.

We lay down together. It was for a while. For maybe the longest time in human history, I felt so together with him. Together but alone. Like it was the two of us against the world.

'I'm hungry,'he eventually whispered.
'Me too,' I admitted.

But were both somewhat reluctant to come apart, so we went on lying there for as long as we could before our empty stomachs got the better of us.

'I'll get us something.' I smiled at him. He was getting up anyway and I kissed his cheek, somehow knowing it would be keep him still. And he stayed there and grinned at me. Perfect teeth. Perfect smile. Perfection.

'I'll be right back.' I sauntered off.

I walked through the door to our miniscule kitchen to find my mother already there. She turned suddenly when she realised I was behind her and stared at me with wide eyes. They were pink; she'd been crying.
'Are you okay?' I asked, instantly concerned.
'Uh, yes sweety.' she smiled shakily.'What about you? Are you okay?'
'Yes. Yeah mom. I'm fine. I'm fine now.'
She smiled and turned hesitantly, then changed her mind and faced me head on.
Her eyes shook with emotion as she stared at me. It frightened me. I could feel my own tears looming.
'Baby,' she croaked. 'Is that really what you think of me?'
'What?'I whispered.
'I mean, I got home a long time ago Dunkie, and... I didn't want to bother you and your boyfriend. And I heard what you said about...me. Do you really think of me as just a sinner? Is that what you think. Do you think I'm a whore?Is that it?is that what your dad told you?'
I was speechless and tried to reply, but found nothing. I looked down at my feet. Ashamed.
'Because he'd be right. I was a bad kid before, Dunkie. I was a prostitute but...after I met your father it all changed and I... I loved him. I mean, I talk smack about him all the time but he's a good man, you know. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't have this apartment, I wouldn't have given enough of a fuck to get my GED. I wouldn't have you Dunkie. I was bad before, I really was, but I changed. And not just because of him Dunkie. After we divorced I could have gone back to the streets, but I went to school. You were my motivation for that. I wanted my baby back. I worked twelve years to get to where I am today. I may not be a fucking priest like your dad, I might not be perfect like he is, but I'm the best I can be Dunkie. Okay? I'm trying my best here.'

I wrapped my arms around her as she cried.

'Why are we all so emotional?' she sobbed against my neck.

'Mom,' I whispered. 'Mom, I'm sorry. I was hysterical. I was losing my mind. I love you so much. You know that. I've only known you for two years, but you're the best thing that ever happenned to me. You're my favourite person in the world and I love you more than anything. Dad said a lot of things when I was young and sometimes it's hard to forget. It's under my skin mom. You're not a sinner. You're a saint. Dad... I think Dad's the sinner.'

The final sentiment took me by surprise. I hadn't expected to say it. Mom had thought nothing of it. Voicing your own subconscious sometimes takes you by surprise. It gets right up against you when you least expect it, then all of a sudden some unspoken voice is birthed for seemingly no reason whatsoever. I was stunned. Out loud I'd never said a single word against my father. It wasn't how I was raised and brainwashed. When I was younger everyone I knew respected my father. They wished I could be more like him. They told me to respect his greatness. When I was really young he was second only to God. I'd had to worship him then. But he was only human. And like all humans, he was born with sin. He was not immaculate like he'd always said. He was flawed and tainted. He'd lost my mother, and that was the first example of his imperfection. Or maybe he hadn't been able to see her perfection; that she was so kind and sweet. Maybe his imperfection was that he could not see perfection where it lay, but instead insist it lay within himself.

I unwrapped myself from mom.

We reverted to normalcy fairly quick, like we usually did in these situations.

'I came to get me and Hammy something to eat.' I explained.
'There's ramen noodles.'
'Oh I like ramen,' I smiled.
'Some in the fridge,' she gestured, turning around and leaving the kitchen. 'I always make too much,' she called from her room.
I opened the fridge and as I looked through for the ramen I heard Hammy walk in behind me.
'Do you have to hunt and skin the shit first, are you starving me?'
'No,' I giggled, having found the ramen in a Tupperware bowl. It actually really was a lot. I placed it on the counter.
'We feast on ramen tonight,' he grinned.
'Yeah,' I smiled, spooning our portions into a large plate and plopping the thing in the microwave.
He grabbed my waist and we kissed. I found myself so oddly loose after all that. I was calm and eager to make out more.
'Slow down bunny,' he breathed in my mouth. He reached away from me and grabbed our plate from inside the microwave.
'Fuckin hot!' he breathed letting the plate fall on the counter with a little noise. 'Too fucking hot,' he gasped.
I smiled at him. I was hot for something. 'Let's go back inside the room and wait.'
He laughed. 'I can dig that.'

We walked to my room entangled, making out practically. This was not regualar. I was genuinely hot. And sensitive to all my senses. His cologne thrifted through my nose, ran across my brain and wracked my groin. The way he held me, I could feel the smooth fat beneath his skin and the hard muscle beneath that. I could feel it all. The veins on his neck thrashing with blood. His exposed flexed muscle beneath my fingertips. The bones in his throat. His harsh, steady attack. The taste on his tongue. His spit mixing in with mine; becoming mine. The smooth edges of his teeth. The surface of my toungue took it all in. Felt it,tasted it and loved it. I wanted all of him. I wanted all of that.

And now, for some reason there was no wall against all of this. I didn't want to silence my lust.

I cupped his jaw in my palms I pressed him closer and closer, so close I wanted him inside me. I wanted him inside me.

I flopped down on the bed and smiled at him. My smile sang 'I want you,' It sang it right out loud and clear. My heart was hopelessly stuck on fast. My erection was painful. My body ached for him.

He came up on top of me. We made out. He kissed my skin and my neck and my lips and stuck his tongue down my throat. I licked his lips. He licked mine. He ran his lips down my throat, across my collarbone, down the inside of my shirt .

I don't know when I did it. But I know that I reached down at some point find his hand. And I placed it on my cock. Through the fabric. He looked at me with some uncertainty, but I just smiled. 'I want you,' sang into the room, loud and clear and he heard it. He started to rub me up and down.

God I could feel it. I'd never wanted anything this much. Not once in my whole life had all my emotions converged in want of one single thing.

My senses perked. My ears pricked to the sound of his near silent moaning. His slight panting. I heard the sound of blood rushing to my head. My mind was alive with excitement. The vague scent of sweat pervaded the air. I was fettered. God I wanted it. I wanted it more than anything now. More than anything I had ever wanted.

He was squeezing my crotch so slightly. He was making it his mission to make this a properly good time. I held the back of his head. He ran his tongue along the dip between my collar bones. I moaned.
'I love you,' escaped my throat.
He lifted. 'I love you too,' he moaned.

He lifted himself and raised his shirt above his head. His abdomen. It wasn't perfect, but it was my perfect, which ruled out any other kind of perfect, because it made it mine. He was doughey. He had a wide waist and no definition around his chest. He was a coffee colored brown. He was his complexion all the way through, as far as I knew there was no place darker and no place lighter. He leaned down and kissed me. His fingers snaked beneath my t-shirt. He raised the fabric up. He lifted it above my head and out. I was shirtless and so was he. He pressed against me. I can't tell you how his soft warm skin against mine sent electric shivers down my spine. I can't tell you how his tongue flicked across my skin with such expertise I moaned helplessly. I can't explain exactly just what it was that overwhelmed me about the look in his eyes when our eyes met. I can't say what made me feel so whole in that moment. So completely alive.

I pressed him against me. I insisted he get closer. Closer than closer could be. I was breathing hard.

'I love you,' I panted. I was breathless.

He was undoing my jeans. I was biting my lip. My erection was painful. Pressing against my leg confined within my suddenly too tight jeans, it hurt like fuck. He let it free. He whipped my boxers off in no time at all. He paused for a moment. I closed my eyes. It was the first time since I'd been a baybe that someone else had seen it. It was the first time I was going to let someone touch it. His fingers ran tentatively over the taut smooth surface. His fingertips. His fingertips raced across my dick. Then he held it inside his fist. He pumped. He pumped me thrice and I came. My body shook. My mind blurred. My eyesight darkened. It doesn't take a lot to make a virgin come. And I was more of a virgin than the average joe. It was the first time I'd allowed myself that pleasure. My sexual frustration all exploded away in two three splurts of come. I was calming down, my breathing slowing and I stared at him through a slurring, drunk smile. He smiled back and reached into his jeans. He was going to jerk off. I sat up.

'Let me,' I offered, whispering. He nodded. I watched him unzip, then let it out of the hole at the front of his boxers. My heart fell right over.

It was the most beautiful thing i'd ever seen. Some of it was the same dark-ish shade as his skin, but the rest was pinkish. It was thick. And it was long. As far as I knew, anyway. I only really had mine to compare to. It was very hard. I touched it like it might flee. Then I rested my palm against it. The skin was warm. It was so warm. He wrapped his hand against mine. He helped me through figuring out how to a hand job. He helped me make him cum. I found out what parts of him were the most sensitive and how he liked it done. I felt the cool leak of his pre-cum as it ran through his slit. I felt the liquid seep through my fingers.

I wasn't getting hard again. I was fascinated. I could say now, that I loved every part of his body, which I did.

When he came, I did get hard again. The way he moaned when the moment came. His cry ran through my ribcage. Some of his semen landed on my face. But I wasn't disgusted. I was in love. And horny again. I held his dick in my hand as he shook. I'd felt it expand right before he blow his load, and his hands unwound from mine.

And he leaned down and kissed me. Big, wet, sloppy, sexy kisses. I had to ignore this hard on. We weren't going to do that again tonight. I couldn't get greedy with this. Good things didn't stay good once you got greedy with them, and this was one of those things that I wanted to stay good forever.

He wrapped his arms around me. We were both dirty, but there was something so serenely right about the dirt that the thought never arose to clean ourselves. Our bodies mingled when we settled under the covers. Our dirt mixed.

'Aren't you gonna repent,' he asked, sleep dragging his voice downward.
'Meh,' I yawned.
He laughed. 'Remember how you repented the first time we kiss?'

I couldn't. I was too tired. Repenting didn't seem so important now. Being with Hammy did.

Thaat was the beginning of the end, I guess.