Leis Larsson

I was even closer to Hammy then than I could have been before. Maybe that was what happened after you let someone see you naked. After you let someone else's fingers wrapped around your dick. It's what happened, I don't know if I could have loved him more. I spent all day at school looking forward to its end. School was just second place now. Everyday when Hammy met me outside the school gates, everything I'd learnt that day would dissappear in a puff of smoke. When we got home and did whatever, homework was the last thing on my mind. And mom was never one to remind me of my school work, and Hammy honestly didn't care. So I started falling behind. But I didn't notice.
One afternoon Hammy was waiting for me with Leis and George. We let the two of them walk ahead and we fell behind.

'Hey,' he whispered, linking hands.
'Hi,' I whispered, giddy with affection.
'Let's go over to our place, huh?'
'Sure.'
'Great, I can't wait to start making new memories.'
'Yeah,' I giggled.
'Just you and me.'
I nodded.

But it wasn't necessarily just me and him. It was me and him and George and Leis. But I didn't think about it them. After we'd started going that one step further in our relationship I'd started to think less. The less I thought about things, the happier I was for them. The way things were going with me and Hammy was perfect, it didn't seem like there was any place for thinking. We only jerked off together every once in a while, whenever it was completely necesarry anyway; when we both had erections we couldn't ignore if we tried. But otherwise we just went about things like business as usual.

Last week curiosity had gotten the better of me and I'd finally asked him how boys actually had sex, and he'd told me with a little relish.

'Well,' he rolled his eyes, smiling widely. 'It's kind of butt-sex, you know. Inside your asshole.'
'That's disgusting,' I said flatly, cringing.
'You'll like it,' he smiled. 'Trust me.'

It'd been hard for me to ignore the confidence in his voice and now,I spent almost every minute thinking about it, looking forward to finally seeing what it was like. And Hammy was so sure I'd like it, that it was hard to doubt him. Besides, I was the semi-virgin here, he sure wasn't.

We walked slower, getting further and further behind Leis and George. I knew we were going to Leis's place, he lived with George and Hammy now, he'd finally convinced them to move in with him.

Turned out Leis's place was in one of those very average neighbourhoods in the middle of the city. It was in an apartment building very much like my mother's except smaller. We ascended the stairs to his second floor apartment, I passed along the way, a family of four leaving their apartment, an elderly lady entering her apartment and a twenty something year old guy passing us on his way down. There was nothing all together remarkable about any of them. The only thing was that look they gave us. But I figured it was because Hammy and I were holding hands.

The apartment was about the size of my mom's with the same number of rooms and all, but apart from that they shared nothing in common. In the living room, there was only a couch, a bunch of clothes on the ground and some school stuff and a futon on the opposite end of the couch. The kitchen had almost nothing, and was occupied solely by the fridge and a few dishes in the sink. It wasn't necessarily dirty, but it was significantly cluttered. There were papers and plastic bags and paper bags all over the floor. And the air smelt of paper too. And other stuff, but I'm not sure what. And also spice. Or something like spice anyway.

Hammy plopped down on the futon and I sat beside him. George and Leis occupied the couch. Hammy reached behind me and took my bag off for me. I was the only one with a back-pack. I had no idea where George and Leis kept their things.
It was barely a second that we sat down when Leis announced: 'I'm bored,' then he looked at George and pressed his bulging, muscular arm. 'Let's go out. I wanna watch a movie or something.'
George didn't flinch. 'Well first of all we just got here and second of all I'm dirt broke Leis, we're not going anywhere.'
'What about you Hammy, don't you have a couple of bucks for a movie?'
'Uh,' Hammy raised his eyebrows. 'You're kidding right?'
'And you princess? No cash?'
I shook my head.
'Ugh, you're all fucking useless.' Leis crossed his arms over his chest and scowled.
'Maybe if you got a job...' George reprimanded.
Leis pouted and put his middle finger in front of George's face. George laughed and Leis walked off in a huff to what I assumed was the bedroom.
After watching this unfold I looked back at Hammy, who was smiling at George, who was probably smiling at Hammy.
'That's telling him.' Hammy grinned.
'Fuck you,' George growled.
Hammy turned his attention back to me. 'Hey,' he smiled.
'Hey,' I smiled back. Every time he turned his whole focus on me I became mentally weak. Delirious with calm happiness.
He lay down on the futon and pulled me down with him. He leaned over, closer to me and pressed his palm against my waist.
'Hey Stace?' he asked, leaning in so he could be real quiet.
'Yeah?' I whispered.
'Can you stay the night?'
'Sure,' My heart flipped. I didn't know why, but this felt like a momentous occasion.
'Are you gonna go to the usual church in the morning, cause there's one real close by I could take you to instead.'
'No, it fine. I think I'll just go on Sunday.'
'You know, you don't go as much as you used to.'
'Yeah, I guess,' I smiled guiltily. 'But I found something better.'
'Aww,' Hammy kissed me. 'I'm so flattered.'

I actually hadn't been to church in a while. The congregation near my mom's place was different from the church I went to when I was with my dad. It was looser for one thing. They never called people up to the alter for their sins for example. Lots of times back home someone would be called up to the alter so they could be named and shamed infront of the entire church for adultery or fornication or whatever and the entire church would condemn them and then pray and stuff. The person called up was clearly never the same again. It had been part of the reason that I, as a child had feared and revered our religion. But the new church did nothing like that. All they did was sing and preach. And they preached about things like love and peace and trying to be like Jesus. Accepting your fellow man. Being good to one another and forgiving each other. At my dad's church it was mostly things from the old testament. Things about women obeying their husbands, about no sex before marriage and eternal damnation.

I liked this new church a lot, but it'd started to seem to me like there was really no reason for me to go there every other day. Sunday was basically enough, although it was swiftly becoming every other Sunday.

Hammy ran his fingers through my hair, I snuggled up close. He kissed the top of my head.
'You wanna just cuddle for a while?' he whispered in my hair.
'Yeah,' I smiled.

I fell asleep.

When I woke up I was facing the opposite direction. I blinked my eyes open into the light, sounds slowly slinking into my ears as consciousness dragged through my mind. I heard Leis's voice,it was muffled. For a second it was muffled, then cleared up. He was moaning, loudly, and George's deeper, quieter voice was moaning beneath his. I blinked. They were infront of me on the couch. They were having sex. The realisation hit me like a tonne of bricks. I just stared. Leis was naked and sitting on George, head thrown back, moaning indulgently. His eyes were closed. His body was bare and pale white. His body was glowing in the light. George's hands fingers were clinging to his waist. Leis was writhing around on George's lap and George, fully clothed, was moving up and down against him. His eyes were shut tight as well. Leis picked up his speed a little going up and down with more enthusiasm, enabling me a sight of his ass with George's cock all the way inside it. I became lightheaded. I felt the tingling in my groin grow into an insurmountable ache. The louder and louder they got, the more and more they moved, the more and more my penis responded.

I shut my eyes tight and turned around, pretending I was asleep. It didn't help. I just thought of Leis like that, his muscles taut with pleasure, beads of sweat glistening against his body. It didn't help that they were still going at it behind me. Nearing orgasm, I assumed. And then one final groan and and a muffled moan from George and I guessed that was it. Leis laughed quietly, and it was silent. They were finished. I felt like a pervert for watching. But I was glad they hadn't noticed, and I was glad Hammy was still fast asleep. I tried to fall asleep, but my mind was invaded with Leis's image each time I closed my eyes. I tried to think of Jesus or God, but that made matters worse. I had a terrible erection that showed no signs of diminishing soon. But If anyone saw it now I could claim it had been because of a dream. I closed my eyes again and tried to lull myself back to sleep. But my senses were all too awake to the sounds of Leis and George walking around the apartment, talking, laughing, moving and dropping things, opening and closing doors. But I finally found my opportunity when the two of them walked out the door. I heard it slam and my eyes snapped open. How was Hammy still fast asleep?

I touched his face, and like magic his eyes flew open. Then he started blinking and he sighed and yawned.

'Holy fuck,' he frowned. 'How long was I out?'
'Forever,' I smiled.
'Oh God,' he sighed. 'It's what I get for living with these assholes. The bullshit they get up to at night.'
'Hmm,' I nodded. I could imagine.
He placed his palm in my face. 'Tell me they're gone,' he grinned.
'Yeah.' I nodded.
'I see you've got something that needs taking care of,' he nudged my erection with his knee. I'd almost forgotten about it. Almost, but now it was growing again.
I sighed. 'I had a dream.'
'Fuck,' he laughed. 'I hope I was in it.'
I nodded.
'Damn straight,' he laughed.

He got up and pulled me along by the hand. He opened one of the doors in the hallway and lead me in. There was an unmade bed and a two back-packs, and some textbooks on the floor as well as a few notebooks and a bunch of pens all over the floor.
'Welcome chez moi,' he grinned, pulling me into his arms. We kissed deliberately.
'I like it,' I whispered on his lips.
'Good,' he replied.
And we kissed again. As we did, it was hard for me to not think about Leis. To not wish that his arms were around me, and his breath was falling against my skin. I wanted to stare into his eyes and have him say all these things to me. But simultaneously, I knew that I wanted it to be Hammy who loved me. I couldn’t reconcile my want for both of them. When I was with Leis, it was very easy for me to wish Hammy was there instead. I loved his honest interest in me, I loved how he made me feel like I was the only person in the world at any given moment. But sometimes, sometimes when Hammy and I were having one of those moments, I'd imagine that those soft brown eyes were Leis's cold blue ones, vaguely excitable and disinterested at the same time. I wanted to be around Leis's random spontaneity. His sometimes extreme mood swings were enticing and frightening at the same time. I just decided that the only reason for that was the fact that I had had a crush on Leis long before I'd even known Hammy existed. I guessed this was the aftermath for that.

Although now, now it was different. Hammy's arms softly embracing my waist made me almost adamant that Leis's should have been the one holding. I wanted him to be here instead. I wanted him to want me the same way he wanted George, if not more. I deepened my kiss with Hammy, as if to smother these thoughts. Perish these feelings, I thought bitterly. Hammy was the best thing that'd ever happened to me. He loved me. He actually really loved me. He was willing to take things slow for my benefit. And didn't want to rush me into anything. He never took advantage of the fact that I was pretty naïve, never once took it upon himself to take my virginity. The way we moved forward could be determined by me. He thought I was worth all that time and effort going nice and slow. I should have been grateful, but instead I was insatiable. I wanted them both.

I was jealous of George.

Hammy lay me down on the bed and kissed me.

'Why don't I show you something,' he whispered.
'What?' I panted, breathless.
'You'll like it,' he promised.

He lifted my shirt above my head and started on kissing my abdomen. I giggled and had to restrain myself from going all out with spasmodic laughter. I was too ticklish. I really was. He snaked his way down and started to unbutton my jeans. I held his head in my hands. He licked my belly button. I laughed as little as I could. He smiled up at me. I smiled up at the ceiling. He unbuttoned my jeans and I felt his teeth at the elastic of my briefs. I wasn't sure what he was getting at, but I was severely glad he wasn't kissing my belly anymore. He pulled my briefs down and my erection rose to meet his lips. He opened his mouth and engulfed it almost completey inside his mouth.
'What....?' I stuttered.
'Shh,' he made the noise against the heated flesh of my member. And it felt amazing. I closed my eyes. He knew what he was doing.

The new sensation of wetness against the skin was met with the even newer sensation of a tongue rubbing up along the sides.
'Oh.' I moaned.

It hadn't been as easy of late to come through hand jobs, and I didn't mind that. But this, this felt so new and, well, great that I wasn't sure how long I'd be able to hold it in. He swirled his tongue over the surface. He sucked in and created a vacumn, the pressure against my dick was electric. I groaned helplessly and subconsciously pulled on his hair. He sucked up and down on me. I expanded inside him. Then I realised the flaw in this other wise magnificent escapade.
'I- I-- I'm gonna come inside--' Before I said it, i'd done it. I was floating. I was far far away in my orgasm. When I came down again, back to earth, I was reeling with guilt. But it was his own fault for sticking my cock inside his mouth. I looked down full of apologetic remorse. But he was licking it. Like he liked it.

My face must have scrunched up without my immediate notice because when he looked up he wore a 'it's not as bad as you think' look.
'It's delicious, you know,' he grinned. He rose and tried to kiss me, I saw a little pool of white in his mouth. I ducked.
'Ew!' I protested.
He laughed and tried to attack me with kisses. He tickled me. I started laughing hysterically. I laughed and laughed till I was powerless, and when I was he leaned down and kissed me. For a second I was still drugged with laughter and didn't notice what he'd done. But then I slowly realised the bitter-salty-sweet taste in my mouth.
'EWWWW!' I screamed, tearing myself away from him. I spat and spat and spat as much I could spit out. My mouth was dry, but I wasn't satisfied. 'That's disgusting!' I shouted at him.
'Don't say that,' he grinned smugly. 'It's you. You're not disgusting.'
If I hadn't been so phrenetic I might have seen the compliment.
'No it's gross. Ew. I can't believe I had it in my mouth. Ew Hammy! EWWWWWW!'
'You'll learn to love it.'
'No!'
'Trust me.'
I sulked. I swallowed the need to spit some more. But I really did wonder if I could ever allow myself to do that. For Hammy I might. A blow job was fantastic, and for Hammy I'd travel the lengths of the earth to make him feel good. But he'd have to be patient with me. I settled on his chest.

He looked down between his legs.

'You're not going to make me do that, are you?' I pouted.
'No. I just woke up. I can't get it up right now anyway.'

A moment passed.

'I love you,' I whispered.
'I'd die for you.' he replied earnestly. I stopped. I looked up at him. I flung my arms around him and cried into his neck. I would never ever look at Leis again. I would never even think of him. He simply didn't exist to me anymore. But if things were that easy.

That evening Hammy decided we should go out. By this time George and Leis were back and Hammy suggested we go find ourselves some privacy. We walked out hand in hand. In love. He took me to a Subway and we bought two enourmous cheesy subs. I tried to convince myself I could finish the thing as it was handed to me by the twenty something saleswoman behind the counter. I watched Hammy hand over twelve bucks and receive two cans of coke as well.

'I thought you were broke,' I said, staring at the sub.
'Only when it's for stupid shit.'

We sat down on the curb and had our dinner. No. I was wrong. After about five bites it was all too clear that I could never finish the thing. I put it down and finished up my coke.

'You gonna finish that?'
'No,' I sighed.
'You should probably save it. Maybe for breakfast tommorrow. Unless you're willing to go get breakfast in the morning.'
'I guess I'll save it..'
'Good.' he smiled. 'You know what I wanna do?'
I shook my head and smiled up at him. 'No?'
'I wanna lay in bed with you in the morning. I want to hold you.'
I sighed and leaned against his shoulder.
'I wanna do that too.' I smiled.

When we got home I was exhausted from walking and fell on the futon. He collapsed on me and we started kissing.

'Ew,' Leis groaned, walking to the fridge.
Hammy tore his lips away and started kissing my neck. I became dead still. I wasn't sure about doing this in front of Leis. Hammy looked up at me.
'You okay?'
'Yeah...'
'Hey,' he gave me a quick peck and lifted my unfinished sub. 'I'll get this in the fridge for you. And we can go to the bedroom or something.
I nodded. He walked past Leis and plopped the sub in the fridge and I sat up.
'I thought you said you had no money.' Leis pouted at Hammy, who shook his head.
'I've got no money to spend on you.'
'I'm offended,' Leis dragged himself onto the counter.
'Good,' Hammy pushed past him. Less intent on Leis than on me.
'Fuck you,' Leis sang.
'Not in a million years,' Hammy wrapped his arms around my waist and we kissed.
'Fat asshole,' Leis mumbled.

In the bedroom Hammy was staring at the ceiling, holding me in his arms. I drank in his scent. I loved him. We started talking. And then we got quiet and we fell asleep.

I woke up in the middle of the night partially disoriented. I opened and shut my eyes, they ached with tiredness. My throat itched with thirst. I looked up at Hammy. He always slept so peacefully, his long eyelashes touched his high cheekbones. His lovely round mouth, full lips were shut gently and his chin jutted out where it had rested on my head, before I, consumed with sleep had slid down lower and lower on the bed. My head was around his groin now. I moved carefully up to his head and kissed his cheek. He stirred, lowering his chin and relaxing his arms.
'You're absolutely beautiful,' I voiced my thoughts.
I walked into the kitchen then looked dispiritedly around for a glass. I opened cupboards, looked through the fridge, checked window sills. I even checked beneath the couch. Nothing. I cupped my hands beneath the tap and drank as best I could. I was slobbering up the luke warm water for a while before I realised there was someone behind me. I tried not to be as startled outwardly as I was inwardly. My heart slowed down beneath the sheath of skin that covered my ribs. I wondered why he wasn't saying anything. It made me more and more nervous, so I went on drinking even though I was very much not thirsty anymore. He moved up against me, and pressed right against my body and held my hips. I was frozen. It wasn't Hammy, I knew the way his body felt against mine, the way his breath fell right across the side of my head. It wasn't George, I could be certain of that, there was no trace of the muscle that defined his body.

Leis had an erection.

I cringed. What was he doing?

'Uh,' I tried to slip away from him. Maybe if I did we could laugh and I could pretend the joke had been funny, that I'd gotten it.

No. No such luck. He kept me stationary when I tried to wiggle away by wrapping his arms around my stomach. He slipped his fingers into my jeans.

'Ahh!' I exclaimed. 'No!'

'Shh,' he growled. 'What if your boyfriend hears you?'

I stood stock still. I recognized that voice. It was the reason Forehead didn't fuck with him anymore. I was so scared. I let him have his way.

He found my dick half hard, prompted by the promise of being touched and diminished by the circumstances of that promise.

'Almost,' he exhaled in my ear. And he used his other hand to unbutton my jeans. His hand was firmly around my penis , rubbing softly up and down the surface. How could it feel so good? But for all the pleasure I couldn't lose myself. He was raping me. Or something like that anyway.

My jeans fell around my ankles. He pressed a finger between my ass crack.

'No!' I tried again. I wiggled in his arms. I couldn't let him do this to me. He held me back by the neck. I started choking. 'Ahh,' I spluttered. He woudn't budge. I could feel his hot and heavy breath against my neck. For all my fear and panic, it made me so horny. I struggled for breath, I wanted to scream, I didn't care who it woke. Leis was fucking killing me. He loosened his grip on my throat a little. I inhaled a throttle of breath. But it was still not enough,my body was shaking, I was in full panic.

He leaned in close and whispered lightly in my ear. 'Don't make a fucking sound.' I nodded vigorously. He let my neck go. I breathed in every inch of air I could get back into my lungs. I choked on the incoming air. My throat was burning. My lungs were aching.

He still had his finger between my ass. He shoved it in. I shut my eyes. It wasn't the pain or the shock. It was the circumstance. And the fear. No one had ever been violent towards me before. And all the sexual experiences I'd ever had with Hammy were just beautiful. My first experience with rough sex was going to be violent, probably very violent. I wasn't ready for it. None of me was even slightly prepared for actual sex. If and when Hammy and I ever went that far seemed a million miles in the future. Some place I'd get to nice and slow, eventually, when I was absolutely ready. And sure. And Hammy would be there holding my hand through it. Not this. Nothing like this.

He shoved in a second finger, then a third. It was burning. I bit my lip. I had to keep the pain beneath my throat, I had to supress and repress every inch of it. He ran his tongue along my neck and I felt the cold of his lip ring. I wondered in absolute dread why he was doing this to me. And as if to answer he whispered with visceral glutteral depth : 'You're so fucking pretty. Virgin ass.'

He dragged out his fingers, and for an optimistic second I thought that was it. But he was still pressing me against the sink. His body was keeping mine securely captive while his hands were busy. When I realised he was undoing his jeans, I prayed for the first time that week. This was my punishment. God might not make it stop. It was my fault for turning my back on my religion. God would punish me and I would have to take it. I closed my eyes tight.

I felt the flesh of his erection against my skin. I let my eyes go open. Tommorrow I would repent. I'd leave Hammy. I'd go back to church every day. Anything. Anything to make this stop.

He separated my butt. He pressed it in. And in it went. The most pain I had ever been gritted my teeth through. At the hands of Leis. Cruel Irony. Once it was in he grabbed my thighs roughly and started to thrust it in and out. I could have screamed out. But I thought of Hammy. I couldn't wake him. My eyes burned with tears. Tears ran down my cheeks,my neck and wetted my t-shirt. I felt like I wanted to die. I wanted to die. My throat burned with un-birthed screams of horror, screams for help. I could feel myself bleeding down there. He got bigger inside me. He came. He pulled out.

He leaned down and kissed my neck. I couldn't for the life of me find the strength to move away, to tell him to fuck off. He left me there. The cold wrapping around my legs. The burning inside me, in my throat, in my eyes, they were all I had to keep me company. Eventually I had to pull my briefs up and button my jeans. I trudged into the bedroom. And I settled next to Hammy. I didn't sleep that night. I just lay there. Thinking.

How. Why. And everything I would do different next time. Everything I would fix and change about myself. I touched Hammy's face. His calm, beautiful sleeping face. I loved him, and I wished I could take comfort in him. But I knew I couldn't tell him.

Goodnight Hammy. And goodbye.