Leis Larsson

The instant Hammy's eyes flickered open, I snapped mine shut. He moved closer to me and wrapped his arm around my abdomen. He breathed lightly over my head. He kissed my cheek.

'If you knew how much I love you,' he whispered.

I couldn't help it. A tear escaped my eyes, ran down my face.
'Duncan?' he sighed, lowering himself so we were level.
I had no choice but to open my eyes.
'Duncan, baby, what happened?'

I couldn't say it, I could never say it. I just shook my head and let him hold me. And in Hammy's arms where I was so safe and secure, I completely broke down. All the pain and horror of last night tore through my lips. I didn't scream out or shout, but I let it out as best I could. I couldn't worry him that much. Even as I shook and convulsed with sobs he held me close. How I could leave Hammy. How could I be without him.

'Baby. Princess--'
'No!' I cried out. It wasn't that loud but it burned my throat. I couldn't stand to hear that. Hammy didn't even call me princess all that often, why did he have to do it now? Leis was the one who called me princess on a daily basis. And being reminded of that was jarring.
'Okay. Okay Dunkie, just cry. Cry all you want baby. I'll keep holding you, okay? I promise I won't let you go. I won't let you go Dunkie. Okay?'

--What if your boyfriend hears you?--

I leaned into his chest and tried to calm down. I tried to find my breath.
'What happened Dunkie? Stacey?'
'I-I-- I kind of--- I,' I couldn't get the words out. I couldn't think of what to say. 'I-- I had-- I was hysterical--ah-- again. I had a kind of---break down. I'm-- sorry. I'm so sorry—I--I love you Hammy. I love you more--more than anything. I-- Hammy I--'
'Shh,' he held my cheek. 'It's okay Stacey. You don't have to say anything yet.'
'But I'm so—rry.' I truly was sorrier than I'd ever been for anything my entire life. How could I leave him? How could I go back to the way things were?
'It's okay baby,' he soothed. 'You don't have to be sorry.'
There was no point in going on, I could tell there was no way he would ever understand just how sorry I was.

-- Almost--

I stayed quiet until my sobs diminished.

'Hammy,' I said remorsefully, staring up into his beautiful brown eyes. 'I don't know what happenned. I just got through this thing where I kind of... I realised something...'
'What?' the sound of concern in his voice, the pained anxiety in his eyes. He cared so much for me, and I for him. How could this be the right thing to do?
'Hammy, I...' my voice was horse. It'd retreated some place deep inside itself. 'I can't be with you any-- anymore.'
I pushed away from him. But I was weak and we were still on the same bed.
'What?' he whispered.
He tried to wrap his arm around me, but I pushed his hands away.

---Don't make a fucking sound----

'Don't touch me,' I choked.
'Duncan what wrong?' he tried to hold me again and I fled in panic. I fell off the bed and the impact with the floor was jarring. I nearly screamed out. I pulled myself together, I tried to ignore the peircing pain. I tried to force myself to get over it.

Hammy was on the floor next to me. He didn't try to touch me.

'Duncan?'
'I don't want to talk about it.'
'No. We should talk about this. You just said you loved me, why do you want to leave me?'
'I don't want to talk,' I was getting angry at him. Why couldn't he just accept the fact and get over it.
'We have to,' he was getting quite adamant.
'I just have to go, okay?' I growled through gritted teeth. 'I'm going.' I summoned all my strength. I could get up if I really tried. 'Fucking deal with it.' It was a bit mean. But I felt like it. I needed him to deal with its finality.
I got up by pressing my arms against the wall behind me and pulling myself up. On my feet, the pain burned through me once more. It seemed to have aggravated since last night.
'Duncan,' he frowned. 'You're not okay.' He reached for me.
'Fuck off,' I mumbled.
I limped away from him. I knew he'd try to follow me. I was walking away from him, I was walking away from the best thing in my life. He followed me to the living room..
'Duncan. Wait. ' I could hear the emotion in his voice. I was already fragile and his desperation did nothing to help. I turned around with tears blurring my vision, I could just barely make him out.'
'Hamilton go away!' I shouted.
'Duncan. Let's talk okay? There's something obviously--'
'No. Hamilton, I don't care. I'm not doing this anymore. I'm going to church.'
'Duncan—'
'Bye Hamilton.'

I made for the door, but he didn't let up. I don't know where I found the strength, but the instant I reached for the door, I started running. I ran and ran and ran. I could hear him behind me. I ran down the stairs and outside the front door of the apartment building. But I lost all my strength somewhere along the line. I collapsed on the street. Some lady tried to help me. I screamed at her to get off.

I felt familiar arms wrap around me. I tried to fight him off. But I was far too weak. He dragged me up.

'Get off me!' I shouted.
He didn't say anything. He just held on tightly until I stopped trying to fight him. My voice was too hoarse at this point for me to go on screaming at him. I cried, but kept my distance from him as best I could while in his arms. I kept my eyes away from his, my body cold and unresponsive.

'Duncan, just tell me why you're doing this,' he asked once I was dead still.
'Get off me,' I croaked.

In defeat, he finally let me go. Relief and trepidation swirled toxically inside me as I fluttered this space.

--- You're so fucking pretty. Virgin ass---

A space that no longer contained Hammy.