Leis Larsson

I slinked into the back pew, the farthest from anyone. The priest up front was wearing his holy garb and preaching in a voice that echoed the wide, hallow halls of God's house on Earth. I felt odd being here. But after last night it was the first place that called to me. I needed to be here. I needed guidance.

 'And when they came to the place that is called The Skull, there they crucified him, and the criminals, one on his right and one on his left. And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” And they cast lots to divide his garments. '

The had priest quoted Luke Chapter 23 verse 33. It was one of those verses I'd heard my entire life. I mouthed it with him as he spoke. And when he was finished he paused and looked to his congregation.

'Surely,' he exclaimed, his voice swept the hall, echoed against the statues of The Virgin Mary and all the beautiful paintings against the curved walls and the painted glass windows. 'Surely if our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ can have begged his Father forgive the very men that nailed him to the cross, then we can find it in ourselves to forgive those in our lives who trespass our trust. Jesus Christ is our model for forgiveness. And we cannot call ourselves Christians until we look into ourselves and remember that we must call for forgiveness from God unto all those unfortunate souls that have lost their way. -Mark 11:25  And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.... So you see? Our Lord in heaven asks one thing of us. To forgive those that have betrayed and hurt you. Without this, how will He be able to forgive you'

My eyes were shut tight. I was trying hard to remain still and steady. I'd asked for guidance and guidance I'd received. God's hand had led me here, to this sermon where the priest preached what I needed to hear. Exactly what I needed to hear. But forgiveness could not possibly be that easy. How could I forgive Leis for hurting me? It shook me to the core when I remembered the pain in my legs and in my back, knowing how it had arisen burnt me deep.

'Be merciful,' I murmered. Tears ran down my face. Now I knew what to do, but that did not make doing it any easier.  'Even as your Father is merciful. Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven.'

What I had memorised from this church some weeks ago gave me a little strength. I sat right there until the sermon was over and everyone filed out, or went about their business. A woman came up to me.

'Are you okay?' she asked. I nodded without looking up.
'Are you sure?' she persisted.
'Yes,' I answered hoarsely. 'I came for help, and I found it.'

She left me alone after that. After about fifty minutes I got up and walked out of the cathedral. I felt less alone, less tired and less afraid. Now that I'd figured this out all I wanted was to be in Hammy's arms. I missed him desperately. But I knew I had to get home first. There was no use in getting evermore emotional over nothing. Not yet anyway. I'd talk to him on Monday. Then we could patch things up.

When I walked through the front door of my mother's apartment, she spotted me immediately.
'Oh, there you are sweetie,' she chirped. She was so cheerful a smile instantly sprang up on my face through no forewarning. 'Oh darling what's wrong?' her face dropped, as did mine.
'Nothing.' I murmered. 'Hammy and I kind of got into a fight.'
Her eyes grew to the size of dinner plates. 'Did he hurt you?' she asked with a frail mix of concern and anger.
'No,' I frowned. 'We just argued. It's okay. I'll talk to him on Monday and say I'm sorry. We'll be fine mom, you'll see.'
'Okay,' she moved over and hugged me, then looked into my eyes. 'Do you wanna talk about it?'
'No... I'll just go to bed, I'm tired.'
'It's only four o'clock...'
'Yeah. I'll do some homework I guess.'
'You don't have your backpack.'

I realised that in my fettered state earlier I'd forgotten my back-pack. I shrugged.

'I guess I forgot it. It's fine, I have most of my books here anyway.'
'Okay sweetie, I'll bring you dinner.'
'No.' I shook my head. 'It's fine,mom.'
'Sure?'
'Positive.'

I decided to take a bath first. And I sat in the bathtub. The water was turning a very vague pink and I froze still at the realisation that this was my blood spreading in a diluted cloud around my body. I sat there for aboout thirty minutes, scared as fuck about cleaning down there. I knew it would make it even more real to me. It would drum home the reality. When I finally reached down I could feel the cold wrap around my fingers, and the liquids sticking to my fingers. I needed to cleanse myself of all this. And I proceeded to clean my body with all the determination of a bacillophobe. I needed to wipe this all away, to forget just everything.

I lay in bed, turning from side to side incessantly. I wanted to fall asleep but it was next to impossible. Each time I closed my eyes I saw Leis. My mind conjured up what his face must've looked like, teeth bared, lips drawn, maybe an evil smirk on his face, eyes narrow and determined. Evil. I tried to erase it from my thoughts, but each time the image came back more defined and true to thought. I wished I could forget it. I desperatley wanted to forgive him. I wanted to erase what he'd done from my mind. I wanted us to start over, the way Jesus preached we should. But it was hard. It was only last night after all, it was the emotional equivalent of forgiving him as he was doing it. But I could. I tried. I closed my eyes really tight and mouthed the words. When I opened my eyes again I felt no less heavier. But in truth I was eager to forgive him. I wanted to close my eyes and just make it so without any actual effort. The truth was that I still liked him. I couldn't deny that. Somewhere deep inside me, some twisted section was happy to have been fucked by him. Some twisted section felt special for it. Sometimes that distorted section of my subconscious bubbled to the surface, and imagining him with his hands on me like that tickled my groin. I was quick to put those thoughts to bed though. I was not a masochist. I had not enjoyed being raped.

It was a fact though, that I would have rather that'd been Leis, who I had loved and wanted for more than a year than, say, the gym teacher. But it was still a lot to swallow.

Monday I got called out for not listening in nearly every class. Pythagoras theorem hardly grabs one's attention when you're thinking about your boyfriend's best friend raping you in the middle of the night. Wondering if you still liked said best friend the way you should like your boyfriend, and wondering just what hell was like as that was where you were probably headed. I didn't care. I didn't want to know about the founding fathers or how a xylem transports water in a plant. I wanted to know what to do about Hammy. What if he was irrevicably mad at me for getting so mad at him, what if he never took me back, what if he was tired of me. What if he managed to make me tell him what happened. What if I accidentally told him what happened. What if I fucked up by not telling him in the first place? What if Leis had told him what happenned. Hammy had said Leis was violent, what if he did this sort of thing all the time? What if he did it again? What if he did it over and over again? If I stayed with Hammy, I knew how many chances he'd get to have me alone. And OH GOD! What about CALCULUS?! Even if I didn't go back to Hammy and convinced myself never to go down that path again, we would be working in close proximity thrice a week for the rest of the school year. Could I handle that?

And with all those thoughts in my mind, I scarcely noticed the bell ringing for lunch.

And I walked right into George. He was with Leis.

I had never,not once walked into them in the hallway, and today of all days had to be that day.

'Hey,' George smiled. Leis smiled too
'You okay?' George asked.
'Yeah,' I nodded numbly. I was staring at Leis. He seemed the same as always, my brain was running wround in circles. I was wondering how he could look so nonchalant. Like all was good and well.
'You don't look okay,' George went on. I looked at him.
'I'm fine,' I assured.
'Sure?' George placed a hand on my shoulder. 'So what's with Hammy? Did you break up with him?'
'No,'my voice shrank. I shrank.
'Sounded like a break up,' George raised an eyebrow. 'I was awake when you did it, you know, so there's no use trying to convince me you're both fine. Besides Hamster won't talk to us about it.'
'Yeah,' Leis grinned. My blood ran cold. 'You must've ripped homeboy a new one. He's fucked up.'
I stared at him in awe. He was the cause of all this. What he did last night was deplorable, and besides that he'd cheated on George. Didn't he feel anything?
'No,' I managed, my voice was sticking to the sides of my throat. 'I'm going to talk to him. We'll be fine.'
'Cool,' George grinned. 'You two were always my favorite couple.'

Lunch time was awkward for me. I kept looking at Leis. I kept wondering exactly he was thinking, what was going through his mind. He acted the same as always. It was as if rape was a run of the mill thing for him. I stared and stared. He flirted, prodded, insulted and laughed as always and George flirted, prodded, insulted and laughed back.

I know it's wrong, but I felt myself falling in love with him again.
I had a few classes after lunch, all of which I was barely awake for, then I met up with George and Leis in the usual place. I trekked behind him on the way to Leis's place. Trepedation grew in me as we got close and closer. By the time we walked through the front door of the apartment, I was so heavy I had to drag my legs. I got further and further behind George and Leis as I grunted up the stairs. I was scared. I wanted Hammy to just acccept me again, but I remembered the broken look on his face. It would be hard, and probably end in defeat.
And then I'd no longer have the best thing I'd ever found in my entire life. I'd go back to being completely alone.

'Where is he?' I asked after finally making it through the front door of the apartment.

'In his room,probably. He might not be home.' He shrugged. I made the dense journey across the small apartment.

I pushed the door open gingerly.

And there he was.

He lay on his bed, and at my entrance his eyes travelled slowly upward till we made eye contact. We stared at each other, he was despondent and I was nervous.

'I'm sorry,' I whispered hoarsely.

He smiled sadly. 'It's okay.'

'Do you—uh-- do you still-- want-- to... I'm sorry Hammy, I lost my mind. I think I'm going crazy.'
'It's okay,' he grinned. 'I live with crazy people. I get it.'
'I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Do you still want to be boyfriends Hammy? Cause if you don't want to, it's fine. '
'Are you kidding me?' Hammy laughed, rolling on his back. I got froze. 'I said I'd love you forever, remember? Even if you broke up with me, Duncan, even if you made me feel like a pile of crap for no coherent reason, even if you tore out my heart, like you did. I know I could never stop loving you.'
'I'm sorry,' I reiterated, my heart in knots with heavy, heavy guilty. 'I'm sorry. I lost my mind Hammy. I don't know what happened.'
'It doesn't matter Dunkie.' He turned to me. 'I still want to be with you forever.'
'I won't do it again,' I shook my head.
'Hey,' he grinned.'This is a pretty small bed, but there's tonnes of space, if you want.'
I smiled at him. I was the luckiest person in the world. I truly was. I snuggled up right next to him. He wrapped his arms around me.
'I won't do it again.' I repeated.
'I know,' he whispered onto my head.