Like I Do

“You have a nice smile, has anyone ever told you that?”

“Can you please just- just pay attention to the road and not my smile?”

She laughed softly, amused at his nervousness, and relaxed her fingers around the steering wheel. She rounded the lone country corner with such speed that he held onto the door handle fearfully.

Nellie was always so carefree and wild, something Garrett couldn’t fully understand. He pinned it to her being an artist, guessing it had something to do with how her spirit worked – artists were typically wired to be something extraordinary. At least, that’s what he had retained after many hours in art history courses.

Just looking at her, she radiated pure happiness. She took everything with a grain of salt and rarely did something truly bother her or weigh on her shoulders. She was a complete wonder to Garrett, and that was a big part of her everlasting charm.

Even now, with her paint-speckled sweatshirt and ripped shorts, she had nothing to worry about. Not college essays or the looming exam days ahead. Her mind was clear of any type of worry, focusing only on the moment she lived in.

“Nellie?” Garrett’s voice broke the silence in the car. He looked out at the rows of sunflowers now a few feet from his window and he wondered how they had gotten there without realizing sooner.

“Gar?” Her voice was teasing, mocking, but sweet all the same.

He looked at her, the setting sun illuminating her auburn hair. “Where exactly are we going?”

Nellie smiled knowingly but said nothing. That was Garrett’s problem – he worried way too much about the simplest of things. He had no trust, no faith in her. They had been friends for years but he still had a hard time letting go of control. Nellie thought he would have changed when he joined a band, wondering if, maybe, the stereotypes would somehow infect him suddenly.

It never happened and he stayed quite the same; Nellie never had a problem with that. She loved Garrett’s constant worry, even if it could sometimes be annoying and hindering to her creative processes. He was the sensible one of the two. He needed order and stability, something that frazzled her.

As the car emerged from the field of flowers, turning onto a dirt road Garrett knew like the back of his hand, he breathed easily. He finally loosened his death-grip on the handle, easing into the seat as they approached her two-story country home that a passerby would have assumed to be empty and abandoned.

“You still manage to surprise me,” Garrett commented with the slam of car doors filling the quiet twilight. Silence fell around them before the subtle sounds of nature overtook the air.

Nellie breathed deep, eyes closed. “Listen, Gary. Just listen to it all. Isn’t it grand?”

Garrett felt his lips curving into a smile. Life was just too easy with Nellie. His fingers meshed with hers, squeezing reassuringly, and he dragged her up the creaky front steps. He looked over his shoulder at her as they ascended the stairs, “We’re losing daylight, Nels. Get your paints.”

Nellie nodded. They reached the top step and separated. She went to her room on the left and he headed down the other end of the hall, ducking into a room. By the time they made it outside, Nellie had calculated another 15 minutes of light. Setting up her canvas as fast as she could, she kept a close eye on Garrett as he wandered farther out into her field of a backyard.

She didn’t waste time on getting a palette or sketching a rough draft first; instead she dove right into painting the scene in front of her. It didn’t take long for him to realize he had become her subject, a thought that made him uncomfortable.

“How’s it looking, Nellie?” he called out about five minutes later, now facing her. He lifted her father’s old Rolex and carefully focused before he snapped the shutter.

“Almost done already.”

Garrett watched as she bit her lip, focused, and painted harder, faster – messier. He waited until her eyes stopped darting up and down – between his body and the canvas – before he moved closer to her.

He had taken a few pictures of the sunflowers in the dim lighting, a couple of her from a distance; now he stood at her shoulder and focused on the little lick of hair that fell against her cheek. With a quick snap of the shutter, he focused on her canvas now. A few more snaps and then he turned his own eyes onto her smile. It was infectious, really, a trait he almost loathed.

“Done!” she announced, throwing her hands up in the air. Garrett barely had enough time to take a photo of the look of accomplishment on her face before the remaining paint on her paintbrush speckled onto his cheeks.

“One of these days, you’re going to get paint all over this camera,” Garrett warned.

Nellie smiled and consciously dropped her paintbrush down in the grass. “And then it’ll have a little character. Lighten up, Gar. It’s just a camera, a collection of bits and pieces.”

Garrett shook his head, biting his tongue. Photography wasn’t his forte but he knew enough about cameras and the one he used every night wasn’t just a collection of bits and pieces like she said. It was special, one that most photographers would kill to have in their collection. Nellie was lucky, in fact, to have one in such perfect condition.

She gazed at her painting once more before she took his hand, leading him back to the sunflowers. They made their way into the field, weaving in and out of sunflower stocks, until they came to their clearing.

It was quiet and still all around, only the sounds of their breaths mixed with the nature. They situated into their usual spots and looked up at the heavens above, watching as day turned to night, stars sprinkling across the sky. It was a habit more than anything, gathering in the middle of the sunflowers. It used to be an occasional occurrence, until her father died. After his funeral, she had disappeared and only Garrett had known where to find her: in the middle of her father’s sunflowers.

“Do you miss him?” Garrett asked.

Nellie smiled. “He’s always with me, I can’t complain.”

Garrett hesitated, his pause evident to her. She looked at him with a twinkle in her eye, the sight that drove him insane. “Are you going to miss me when I go?”

“Our friendship developed slowly, Gar,” she started, and he knew he was in for it now. “Besides my father, you’re the only male that has stuck around in my life. Take that as you wish, but to me it’s a big deal. You know me inside and out, and yet you stay. You help me embrace who I am and for that fact alone, I miss you more each time we’re apart.”

Garrett simply responded by cupping her cheeks and kissing her. While she stared up at him, breathless and stunned by his reaction, he grinned and spoke, “I love you, Nel.”

****
Nellie walked into the house skeptically. She was greeted with a pulsing gathering of people she could vaguely remember. Music overtook the house, something she wasn’t entirely used to, and she almost questioned her memory: was she at the right house at all?

Her hesitation was short lived as she wandered inside. No one paid her any attention, for which she was grateful, until she felt a hand on the small of her back and a breath reach her ear.

“I think you forgot something,” he said, a slight chuckle to his tone, and then she heard a snap.

“Gary!” she scolded, spinning around to face his glowing features. “Gar, I was keeping that on for a purpose.”

“What, you were going to return it tomorrow?” Garrett dared. “Admit it, you forgot to take it off.”

Nellie felt the blush overtaking her face. Garrett smiled, leaning down to gently kiss her. “I need to talk to you,” she muttered against his lips, arms wrapped around his neck.

Garrett groaned, “It sounds like I’m in trouble. I just got home, Nels.”

Nellie’s stomach churned and flipped when her eyes met his. “You aren’t in trouble.”

He stared into her eyes now, searching for any meaning behind her concern. She wasn’t acting like the Nellie he had left a month ago. She wasn’t acting like his Nellie at all. “Are you okay?”

Nellie shook her head. “We can talk about it later. You just got home. I want to spend time with you, hear all of your new stories.”

Garrett forced a smile. He hated how calm she was acting. It was setting off alarms in his head. What had happened while he was away? “We’ll go to our spot soon, okay? I just want to get a few drinks first, see some friends. Do you want anything?”

“I’ll get it, it’s okay,” Nellie said to him. She touched his arm, leaning up to kiss him again. “I’m really glad you’re home now, Gar.”

Her touch was warm and reassuring. They mingled for a few hours, separating a few times. It was nearing two in the morning when Garrett found Nellie sitting outside, a can of soda in her hands, unopened. He moved toward her, sensing with each step that something had gone terribly wrong in a month’s time.

“Come on, Nels,” he said softly, taking her hand and pulling her up to her feet. “I’ll drive.”

Nellie knew he shouldn’t be driving after drinking all night, but she allowed it. She needed him to take control. She needed that constant right now, a familiar feeling to fall back on. But even as they drew closer to her home, the sunflowers swaying against the silver moonlight, she couldn’t feel it anymore.

They sat in his car, looking out at the flowers, listening to the hum of the CD he had been listening to before he left. Nellie took her shoes off and turned so she was looking at him. He hadn’t taken his hands from the steering wheel. Before pushing the door open and stepping out, she leaned over the middle console to gently place a kiss on his cheek.

When he looked at her, his eyes were hallow, as if he knew what was ahead. She was sure, though, that her stare easily matched his.

“What’s going on, Nellie?” Garrett questioned as they pushed aside flower after flower.

They broke into the clearing at last. A swell of emotion rushed out of Nellie and she sobbed, covering her face with her hands. Garrett was beyond worried at this point – he had only seen her cry once, when her father died. She was the one that never cried, no matter how wrenching the situation, constantly saying there were too many beautiful things in the world to ignore for tears.

“You know that I love you, right?” she asked, voice cracked and thick with emotion. She inhaled before removing her hands from her face and brought her watery eyes to meet his bloodshot ones.

Garrett’s lip trembled. “Wh-what are you getting at? You’re.. You’re scaring me, Nels.”

She stood dumbfounded. “The night you, uh, you left, when we- we, um, you know.. We, um, got ourselves in over our heads.”

His face contorted in confusion. She could see every beautiful feature of his, perfectly illuminated by the moon. He had a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach, one that he prayed was all for not. “Please, just..”

“I don’t know what to say,” she mumbled under her breath. “I don’t know how to say any of this. I’ve been so wrapped up in logic these past few weeks but none of it makes sense to me.”

“Right,” Garrett agreed. “Logic isn’t you, that’s why. So talk to me, I’m the one that deals with the logic in this relationship. What’s going on? I’ll fix it. I’ll fix you, Nellie.”

Another sob escaped Nellie’s throat. “I- I can’t. I can’t do this, Gar. You’re gone all the time now and it’s so hard to just.. I can’t handle it anymore, not now.”

Garrett felt like he had been punched in the stomach. The beer churned in his stomach and threatened to come up. “D-don’t do this. Don’t s-say anything else.”

“Garrett,” Nellie whimpered; her lip trembled with the threat of even more tears. “I’m pregnant, Garrett. And I’m scared. I’m terrified.”

He turned and left the sunflower field seconds after the words escaped her lips. She sobbed, alone, and covered her face again. She knew he hadn’t gone far; the sounds of his retching reached her ears.

“Why?” he demanded upon his return. He continuously wiped at his mouth, the fear of throwing up again on the front of his mind. Nellie wanted nothing more than to cradle him in her arms, lay his head on her lap and stare up at the sky as she listened to his tour stories. She wanted for this to all go away, return to normal.

“Because the road isn’t the place to start a family,” she said softly, honestly.

He looked at her. She was broken, that much was clear; torn apart from the inside out, unsure what to do or say next. “I-I can’t lose you,” he admitted sadly.

“You can’t choose between a new family and your music,” she reasoned. “You need to make music, Gar.”

Garrett shook his head sternly. “Stop. Don’t rationalize this. You’re the free spirit, remember? Everything is possible for you. This- this is just a little surprise that we can figure out and we’ll eventually be able to forget it wasn’t planned.”

“When I fell in love with you, Garrett,” she said slowly, quietly, “I didn’t exactly realize that I had to fall in love with everyone else involved, too.”

Nellie watched Garrett closely. He was nervous now, anxious. She could read his mind clearly: he was hoping and praying that this whole conversation was a joke. He didn’t want her to be pregnant and he didn’t want her toying with the idea of ending their relationship.

“Fuck,” he cursed loudly. “Fuck that, Nellie. Fuck being in love with everyone else. You need me and that’s it. You just need to be in love with me and it’ll be okay. I can fix you, Nel. I will.”

Nellie wanted to smile at his earnest offerings but she couldn’t. “This decision is- it’s hard, but it’s looking out for everyone.”

Tears welled in Garrett’s eyes, “Fucking forget everyone else, Nellie. They don’t matter.”

“I have to break up with you, Gary. You won’t be able to make the decision on your own,” she explained. “I’ll always love you, Gar, and this won’t be permanent. I just need to give you the space to let it settle. So please just.. Go.”

Garrett hated crying. He never cried. And it wasn’t because society told him men never cry; it was because he hated the stuffy feeling in his chest and the way his throat constricted. He hated the tingle in his nose as tears welled dangerously in his eyes. He especially hated the taste of the salty droplet as it caught on the corner of his lips.

With tear-stained cheeks, he took one last longing look at Nellie before he left the field again. He left her in the middle of the sunflowers and drove away, unsure where he could go next. He had no desire to talk to anyone else, because no one would be able to fix him like Nellie could.

**
Garrett spent the next day holed up in his room. He couldn’t sleep, not that he wanted to. He had spent the better half of his teenage years falling in love with a girl and now she had ripped his heart out with a few words. Of all the things he had figured her out to be, he never saw her being the heartbreaker.

“Garrett?”

He stayed quiet. He didn’t want to see his mother, who would try to feed his feelings away by means of excessive home cooking; or his father, who would try to sympathize but end up making him feel worse; and he certainly didn’t want to see his older brother, who would tell him that falling in love is always a stupid thing to do.

This voice, however, sounded foreign to him. Whoever it was, he didn’t want to see them, either.

The door creaked open and the hall light flooded into the dark confines of his room. He studied the shadow. He knew it well, like the back of his hand. He pulled his comforter tighter around his body, tense.

“Go away,” he grumbled.

“You know how stubborn I am,” she replied as she moved across the room. She drew the shades and the late afternoon sun cascaded in. He squinted against the harsh light but took in her presence all the same.

Nellie looked at him sadly. She had done this to him; she had taken the light from his eyes, the joy from his smile that she loved so much. What she did next surprised him the most. She pushed him back farther onto his bed so she could fit onto the edge and she took the blanket from him, enclosing herself in his cocoon as well. She scooted close enough to him that their noses brushed.

“Why did you say those things last night?” he asked, tenderly tucking her hair behind her ear.

“I was scared,” she answered softly. “I needed to be in control for once, I think. I love you so much, I had to leave you before you left me.”

“No one knows you like I do,” he said. “And even I didn’t see that coming.”

Nellie kissed the tip of his nose. “Please promise me that you won’t leave me,” she whispered. “I cried all night, thinking that I had done the wrong thing. I couldn’t get over the fear that maybe I had messed up so much so that you’d never forgive me.”

Garrett grabbed her cheeks and kissed her roughly, sloppily, closing his body in on hers. “I promise,” he swore. “I promise I will always be here for you. I love you and I never want to be that devastated again. You seriously ripped my entire world apart last night.”

“I love you. I’m so sorry. Please, just.. just tell me that you forgive me.”

Instead of answering with words, he kissed her again. “Just one request from now on.”

“Go on,” she said, fingers tangled in his hair now.

“Leave the decision making up to me,” he mused, lips touching hers. “For the most part, anyway.”

She laughed. “Okay. Deal.”