Colorado Sunrise

“Oh, oh! Mark. Stoomers.”

“You mean Mark Bloomers? The kid everyone made fun of for wearing girls’ underwear?”

Pagan Sitico doubled over with laughter, “oh my goodness, I totally forgot about the nickname!”

“Totally Factual. Saw it for myself in gym class. Wish I hadn’t.” Nat Motte responded with a chuckle while shaking his head. The old high school friends were sitting in the Dairy Queen in their Colorado hometown, going through their senior yearbook.

“Here’s another one of us... Battle of the Bands.”

“God, did I really wear that! What was I thinking?!”

“You were thinking you were a sixteen year old girl drumming in a garage band while your awkwardly tall and pasty best friend played keyboard.”

“No excuse for that outfit.”

Back then, the pair had been inseparable. Best friends since practically birth, it was a wonder to everyone how they spent the six years after graduation with absolutely zero contact. Particularly, it was a mystery to Pagan herself. One day they were graduating, taking silly pictures in their blue caps and gowns, the next, Nat was taking off on tour with promises of phone calls and long letters. No such thing ever came her way. No real goodbye.

“Here,” Nat said, interrupting her thoughts, “Valerie Rokkin.”

“Man... I still can’t believe you had a thing with her.”

“And why’s that?”

Pagan chuckled. “That girl was such a skank. I don’t know what you ever saw in her.”

Nat looked offended. “She was not a skank! She was really good for me. In fact, I caught up with her last year and-”

“Wait.” Pagan interrupted. All trace of humor in her voice was gone. “You caught up with Valerie? Valerie Rokkin?”

“Yeah.” Nat shrugged. “I knew she was living in Pittsburgh and we had a show up there and-“

“How’d you know she was living there?” Pagan interjected again.

Nat, feeling attacked, put his hands up in mock surrender. “Chill, Pagan. Valerie and I have just kept in touch. That’s all. What’s the big deal?”

Pagan glared at Nat with such intense scrutiny that her emotions were undetectable.

“It’s nothing.” She said carefully, watching Nat absorb every word. “No big deal.”

“OK.”

They sat in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes. Nothing but the sound of a quarter clinking around in the dryer to fill the air.

“You know?” Pagan sighed eventually, hopping off the washer and gathering her yearbook. “I don’t really think I’m up for any more reminiscing tonight. Long day and all that. Maybe we should just go back to the house.”

Nat, although surprised by how quickly the mood had shifted, agreed. The car ride back was, at best, awkward. As soon as they pulled in the driveway, Pagan slammed the car door shut and stalked into the house. Nat trailed a ways behind.

Sean and his girlfriend Stephanie were sitting on the couch watching a movie.

“Hey, you’re back early,” Sean remarked.

“Didn’t really feel like hangin’ around.” Pagan mumbled, not even stopping to look to her friends as she stormed to her room.

“Fuck, what’s her problem?” Stephanie asked.

“Beats me.” Nat answered honestly. “Hey, Sean, do you remember Valerie Rokkin?”

Sean looked thoughtful for a second then snapped his fingers. “Ohhh, yeahh, that chick you screwed around with in high school. Man, she was a skank.”

The sound of Disturbed crescendoed from Pagan’s room.

“Something is def wrong with her. Are you sure you don’t know what it is?” Stephanie questioned.

Nat shook his head, “no idea... But I’m going to find out.”

He opened the door to Pagan’s room to find her busily, angrily, putting some clothes away.

“Ever heard of knocking?” She snapped sarcastically, not even looking at Nat. She had to practically yell to be heard over the music. Nat went over and turned it off.

He said, “what is with you all of a sudden? One minute you’re laughing your ass off, the next you won’t even look at me!”

“It’s nothing, just leave me alone.”

“Bull-shit it’s nothing!” Nat exclaimed.

Pagan threw the shirt she was struggling to hang onto her unmade bed and sighed, shutting her eyes with exasperation. Finally, she turned and looked Nat square in the eye.

“You kept in touch with Valerie Rokkin.”

“Yes, I did, what is the big deal?!”

“You kept in touched with Valerie Rokkin... Yet I don’t hear from you for six fucking years. Did she really mean more to you than I did?” Pagan’s voice cracked and she turned away, frustrated.

“Of course not,” Nat whispered earnestly, reaching out to touch her arm but holding back at the last moment. “You were my best friend, how could you think that?”

“If I was really your best friend then tell me, why?! Why did I disappear from your life the minute you stepped out that door?”

“You want the truth?”

“Well, I think I’ve waited for it long enough, don’t you?”

“I was scared, Pagan!” Nat exclaimed, pointing to his chest, clutching onto his heart. “I was fucking terrified by even the idea of saying goodbye to you!”

“You didn’t have to say goodbye! You could have called, you could have visited, nothing had to be that different!”

“You don’t understand, Pagan,” Nat shook his head, sitting on the bed. She sat beside him. “Everything was happening so fast. Graduating, getting a record deal with Sean, suddenly deferring from school so I could go tour... It was a whirlwind.”

“I could have helped you through it. You know that as well as I do. I would have done anything to help you get to your dreams... get what you wanted...” Pagan whispered.

“That’s just it. I didn’t know what I wanted.”

“What do you mean?”

Nat sighed as if he were in pain. Pagan was digging into a part of him he had long since hidden away. “Like I said, it was just so fast. I was stoked to go on tour and record and all that... but I wasn’t sure it was right for me and that scared me shitless. I had already deferred from school, already signed the contract. There was no turning back.”

“I don’t understand, you always loved the music. What was there to be unsure about?”

“Everything I was leaving behind.”

Pagan shook her head and stood up. Crossing her arms, she stepped in front of Nat. “No. I know you better then anyone. Music meant more to you than anything in the world.”

“I thought that too, for my whole life! So you can imagine how freaked out I was when I realized things weren’t that simple. There was one thing. One thing that music couldn’t compete with. So, when I finally had to face that truth, I ran away.”

They were silent for a moment. Pagan stared at Nat with a mixture of understanding and pure, sorrowful sadness. “It was me...” she whispered after a while.

“Was there ever any doubt?”

“You loved me...”

“I was IN LOVE with you. Always was. Always will be.”

“And I you... But... You were scared of me...” Pagan’s eyes prickled with tears.

“No! No, no, no, Pagan! I wasn’t scared of you!” Nat pleaded, suddenly getting up and grabbing her hand in his and brushing some of her soft, strawberry blonde bob away from her round face. “I was scared of what I would do when it finally came time to leave. My life was all figured out for me. I knew that when the moment came where I actually had to look into your eyes and say goodbye... There was absolutely no way I was going. Whenever I thought of you, whether it was back then or any time over the last six years, all I wanted was to be home, sitting with you, watching the Colorado sunrise.”