Creep

Seconds after I slammed the door, then clumsily tripped over a shoe I had left in the doorway and sprawled myself out on the floor, Tom opened the door.

He stared down at me like I was an alien and I looked up at him in embarrassment. I had just run out on him, and there I was on the floor, crumpled up like a dirty sock, which was basically how I felt.

I sat up. “I’m sorry,” I said. It was the first time I ever said those words to him.

He knelt down in front of me. “What happened that made you run out?” It was almost frustrating, how patient he was with me. I used his shoulders to pull myself up, then turned and started walking away once more.

He grabbed my hand before I could get far. “You don’t have to tell me, but I want you to.” There it was again; the most unnatural patience in the world. What had I done to earn this?

I didn’t want the emotions I was experiencing. I didn’t want the good ones or the bad ones, but I didn’t know if I could life without feeling.

I thought about pushing him away, but didn’t really want to. I thought about leaving, but had nowhere to go and wasn’t sure how long until the sun would come up.

So I held onto his hand and I led him into the bedroom. I shut the door behind him and then closed the metal cover over the window while he stood staring at me. I stood at the end of my bed and just looked at him.

“I don’t know how I feel. I can’t hate you anymore, I don’t think I’m physically capable. But at the same time, I don’t know if I can ever feel anything. Something is wrong with me, mentally or emotionally or both. Maybe even physically.”

More quickly than I thought he would, Tom came right up to me without the hesitation we had been using since first meeting, and put his arms tight around my waist, pressing his chest to mine.

He leaned over and brushed his lips against my ear. “I feel something,” he whispered.

He picked me up with one arm and kneeled on the bed, laying me down and hovering over top of me in a series of swift and smooth moments and I hadn’t thought he could be capable of doing. He kissed my jawline first, and I shivered. He reached around my back again and unzipped my dress, then looked up at me. I kissed his cheek, near his ear, and he slipped the straps over my shoulders. Soon enough, all clothes were on the floor.

I held him close and kissed him passionately, and even though I didn’t want to, I thought I might have been feeling something, too.

--

I woke up the next night, much later than I usually slept in. I was still having trouble with the transition from day-life to night-life. I literally had sat down and written it all out to get it through my head, but it wasn’t sticking quite yet.

Tom was next to me. He was facing me, sleeping with a slight grin. I’d never seen anyone sleep with that expression on their face. I wondered if he did that every night.

“Tom,” I whispered, because I didn’t want to get up, but I didn’t want to watch him sleep. Plus, he was away from his alarm and I knew he needed to get up for work soon.

He opened one eye and then smiled at me.

“Do you need to get up for work?” I asked.

He shook his head. “It’s Saturday.”

I smiled back at him and sat up. My stomach felt empty as I did and I stood up to move to the kitchen.

As I sat at the kitchen table, he joined. I felt my cheeks warming up at the sight of him in just his underwear, despite the events of last night.

“How do you feel?” he asked.

I shook my head and chuckled. “Sore.”

His eyes went a little wide. “Was that your…?”

I guessed I hadn’t told him before that I actually was a virgin. I hadn’t really been saving myself for marriage, but just for someone special who had yet to come along.

“Yeah.”

Judging from last night, it was safe to assume it wasn’t his.

He started at his cup for a minute. “How do you feel, besides that?”

I shrugged. “I don’t really know. I’d rather not discuss feelings.”

He nodded and wrapped his hands around his cup tightly. I pushed myself away from the table and stood up, and then walked into the bedroom. I showered and changed and when I came back out into the living room, Tom was standing by the living room, dressed as well.

“Would you join me for a walk?” he asked.

I furrowed my brow and gazed past him.

“You don’t have to,” he added, “I just know you like walks.”

I pondered it for just a moment before speaking again, “I think I’ll stay here, but thank you.”

He gave a small smile and moved towards the door, pulling it slowly open. “Will you be gone long?” I asked.

His small smile grew; I could tell even though he was facing away. “No, I don’t think I will.”