Creep

I was disgusted and disappointed in myself. I was an awful, terrible, horrible, nasty bitch, and I knew it, but there was nothing I could do about it.

I was not whole, and I was not a half. I was not a shell, but I was definitely feeling hollow. Staying there with Tom all the time, where our relationship was becoming more and more open every day, was just too much. With everything going on inside, I was feeling choked, and I was suffocating.

I didn’t know why. There was nothing wrong with Tom. I didn’t even think I was angry at him anymore. It was the outside world that was scaring me. The never-ending feeling that I was a freak, and the freakiest of the freaks because I had chosen it, even though I hadn’t. The last words my father had ever said to me echoed in my mind. Don’t ever call this number again.

How could he think vampires were cruel and disgusting when he so clearly was the most detestable thing on the planet. Vampire society would be no different from human society. In fact, I knew without a doubt that the two could mix and everything would be fine, but that would never happen. The view of us was so warped and messed up that we would never be normal. I would always be a monster.

It became too much. I attached the idea of accepting Tom as a part of my life—even though I knew he would be a positive part—as accepting the fate of being hated by most of the world forever.

So, I left. And it wasn’t easy to do. I had to go to the station and apply for a pass to leave, just for a few days. It took a week to get to me, and during that week, it was hard to act like everything was okay, especially when Tom woke up next to me every morning, smiling as wide as ever.

I had to say where I was going and there had to be someone with me there at all times, so I said I was going to visit my old roommate. I got the feeling that they didn’t let people leave very often, but because of my circumstances, I was a special case. In fact, applying to leave was a very new law that had been set in place, and it wasn’t as if they were telling the vampires about it at all, anyway.

On the day I was set to leave, I wrote out a note for Tom while he was at work.

“I’m leaving for a few days. I need to think. We’ll talk when I get back.”

I felt slimy writing it.

I was slimy.

Maybe I was even a monster.

--

Rachael was waiting at the door when the officer and I pulled up, only an hour after sundown. I hadn’t actually talked to her since I left, and she looked a bit stunned to be seeing me. We walked silently up the stairs and the officer asked to speak to Rachael alone. I went into the room that had been mine and saw all my stuff, still there.

My first thought was that I would take some of it back home with me. I then furrowed my brow and wondered if I really wanted to go home.

After a few minutes, Rachael came back into the bedroom. She leaned on the doorframe and just started at me for a minute.

I opened my mouth to speak, and she started crying.

“Holy shit,” I said, and rushed forward to wrap my arms around her. I led her to the bed and we sat down.

“It’s a lie, isn’t it? You would never choose to be like this.”

I ran my fingers through her long blonde hair. “I’m sorry. I… I can’t talk to you about that.”

She nodded and began wiping her eyes. “You never tried to call me or anything.”

“I don’t have a phone, actually. I did call my dad once, at the station, but he just told me not to call again.”

She looked at me with such pity. I didn’t really want that.

“What’s Tom like?” she asked after a few seconds.

I sighed. “To be honest, he is great. He’s patient and kind and warm and loving and, oh man, is he ever sexy, but… it’s just hard. That’s why I left for a few days. I can’t think around him.”

“Think about what?”

To be honest, I hadn’t been sure until she asked me.

“I need to think about whether I can really be with him or not. I’m not sure I can make him happy.”

Reagan had been up all day and went to bed soon after that, leaving me alone.

I had forgotten how nice our flat was. Or maybe it wasn’t that nice, but it was just so much nicer than where Tom and I lived.

I put some packets into the fridge and watched TV for a while. I slept some and I thought some. I considered making a list of pros and cons, but that seemed dumb.

I didn’t know what I was doing and I just really, really wanted to talk to Tom.