You Had Me at Hello

Jason Mitchels looked good. At least, as well as he could look in that thick, burgundy apron. But the way his grey eyes stood out in the dimly lit restaurant drew Toni Lorentz’s attention immediately and put all her muscles on edge.

His hair had grown to that adorable length she loved, dark and straight over his right eye, and... what was that on his chin? Did he have stubble? That was certainly new for him.

Then again, Toni hardly looked the same anymore either. Her hair was darker and now tumbled down in loose tendrils, unlike the days of edgy short cuts and bold blonde highlights. When she smiled, her hair tickled her one bare shoulder. A satin, metallic green dress wrapped from her right shoulder around her chest before flowing down like dragon scales to just above her knees. Black stilettos were still not enough to bring her dolled up violet eyes to Jason’s level.

It was Christmas Eve and Toni’s family was honoring her favorite holiday tradition: a formal dinner at Le Renaissance. She had spent well over three hours in front of her mirror- fixing and re-fixing her make-up, making sure her bangs covered her eyes just so. It was like her body knew he would be here.

However, if that was the case, Toni certainly wished her body had let her mind in on the secret, because her mind was totally thrown through a loop the moment she saw Jason clearing a table. Clearing a table for her family, so she couldn’t even have avoided him if she wanted to.

She hadn’t spoken with Jason since that night over a year ago: when she and Jason were supposed to leave for college together. The memory rushed back into Toni like a sucker punch she wasn’t ready for...

----

With a final tightening tug on the bungee cord, Toni hopped off her silver truck and brushed the summer dust off of her favorite denim shorts. Footsteps on the driveway let her know that Jason was approaching. Toni smiled and placed her hands on her hips with satisfaction.

“I can’t believe it, but we managed to fit all my stuff in the truck,” she said as she admired the beautiful blue bumper sticker: YALE UNIVERSITY.

“Hell, I can’t believe any of this... you and me... going to Yale! It’s finally happening!” Toni sighed with so much contentedness in her heart that she couldn’t stop her chattering. “I mean, after all these years and all this work we start our new lives together tomorrow- me studying photography, you studying music. A whole new chapter and it all begins tomorrow! I just can’t wait, I mean, aren’t you totally stoked!”

It wasn’t until now that Toni realized Jason hadn’t said anything or even stepped into her line of vision since he had approached. “Jason?”

She turned to face him and was instantly stunned by the paleness in his cheeks and the edge in his stance.

“What’s the matter?” Toni asked, her heart now fluttering with anxiety, “are you just nervous? You don’t have to be, Jase, I love-”

“I’m not going.” He blurted out, shifting his eyes, feet... everything about him suddenly shifting to what Toni felt was the other side of the world.

“What do you mean?” she shook her head, confused. She couldn’t even comprehend what he was saying.

“I’m not going to Yale.”

Toni’s jaw dropped as she tried to make sense of the madness escaping between her boyfriend’s lips, “Wh-what are you talking about? Of course you are, we’re leaving tomorrow. We have our move-in schedule and-”

“Toni.” He stopped her harshly. “I’m. Not. Going.”

“Stop saying that!” She exclaimed, panic fully engulfing her now.

Jason just shook his head and in a tight voice said, “I’m sorry.” It was the first time he looked her in the eyes since walking down here. It burned Toni inside-out.

“I don’t understand...”

Jason stuffed his hands in his pockets. He was never good with confrontation, especially when it came to Toni. They’d do anything to make sure the other was happy.

“It’s just... it’s not me.” He said.

“What do you mean it’s not you! This has been our plan for two years! We worked so hard for this moment! How can you possibly give up on it now!”

Jason stared at the ground, jaw tight. This was so hard on him... and the slightest bit of guilt that tugged at Toni for upsetting him made her whole body tighten with fury.

“Of course it’s you...” she whispered. “It’s... us.”

More silence and more pounding in Toni’s chest- like the pedals of a double bass drum.

“I’m sorry.” He stated again. “Yale isn’t me.”

“And I’m not you either?” Toni let the hurt in her voice penetrate him to his core. She was desperate for him to snap out of whatever this was... she needed to reach the Jason she loved.

Those eyes again! Like whistling hurricanes threatening to rip Toni away from everything she knew.

“No.” He said flatly. “You’re not me. I came here to say goodbye so... I’m saying it. Goodbye, Toni. Enjoy Yale. I know you’ll be happy there. And truly... I’m sorry.”

Jason finally tore his eyes away from the girl whose heart he had just shattered on the pavement and began to walk away, down the driveway, across the road, away from Toni forever.

----

Or at least until this snowy Christmas Eve a year and a half later. What bothered Toni most to this day was that in those heartbreaking moments when Jason was walking away, she hadn’t said anything. She just couldn’t. She succumbed to the shock and helplessly watched him walk straight out of her life, under his own power. And she hadn’t spoken to him since.

Not until tonight.

“How’s that guy you’re with?” said that familiar voice. Despite the aging Toni saw in Jason’s eyes, his voice still had that same hue. And his tone still had that edge of jealousy.

Toni’s family broke into laughter next to the beautifully decorated, immense Christmas tree. Of course he noticed that her boyfriend wasn’t among them.

“Gabriel.” Toni filled in his name. “He’s good... How’s school? You’re going to the community college, right?”

That stung, Toni could tell. She wasn’t about to let him forget what he threw away- whether it was her or his future.

“It’s fine.” He answered shortly before being interrupted by another smattering of laughter from Toni’s family. Her eyes flickered in that direction, a detail Jason didn’t miss. “You should go?”

She nodded. The way he was looking into her eyes so intently temporarily took her voice.

“I get off at 11. Think you’ll still be here?” He asked.

“Maybe. We’ll see.” Toni let her answer sink into his skin before slowly brushing past him. She didn’t dare blink until she heard him exhale deeply in her wake.

The rest of the night progressed like a flirting dance. Jason would buzz around the room, taking orders and clearing tables. Toni remained still, in her chair, the Sun that held him in orbit. Every now and then they’d catch eyes. Make eyes. Both filled with wild curiosity as to where this night would take them.

They wouldn’t have to wait long. Soon enough, Toni was sitting absentmindedly with her family at the bar as they got a couple more drinks to end their Christmas Eve. Out of the corner of her eye, Toni saw Jason take off that apron and clock out.

“Umm,” she started hastily, climbing down off the cushy barstool, “I think I’m going to walk home.”

“Walk home, really? Toni, it’s snowing out.” Her mom replied.

“I know, but it’s a short walk and... well... I need to clear my head,” Toni explained, all the while her eyes locked on Jason’s as he walked out of the kitchen and towards the exit.

Her mom looked at her skeptically, but with understanding. Toni was sure that she had seen Jason bustling around the room, too. “I see,” her mom said. “Stay warm. See you at home.”

Toni’s fingers tingled with nervousness and the back of her neck prickled with sweat. It was just like back in those days when she first started having a crush on Jason- that feeling of heart-stopping stomach-flipping anticipation she got whenever she knew she was going to see him. He still had that effect on her. It never stopped.

Just as her pallid skin met the cold air, Toni stopped to catch her breath and calm herself. Jason came up beside her.

“You waited.” He said.

“Yup.”

“Where do you want to go?”

“This was your idea, you figure it out.” Toni said bluntly. She wasn’t about to make this easy for him.

“Ok,” he responded with a short sigh, “Well, do you want to take my car or just walk?”

Toni looked at Jason with raised eyebrows as if to say is this even a question? Jason knew better than anyone how much Toni loved winter and every bit of cold air that brushed through her hair. She’d be out in the snow all the time if her mom wasn’t afraid of her catching pneumonia.

“Right. Got it.” Jason said with another sigh. “I have an idea. Come on.”

The pair walked in silence for some time- letting the light snowfall around them mute the world. Toni welcomed the chilled numbness with ease.

Soon enough, Toni found herself being led into the snowy Roosevelt Park. A new wave of nervousness hit her hard, heated her whole body head to toe.

“Jason-”

“It’s ok.” He said, keeping his eyes fixed forward. Even though he knew that this was going to bring out the strongest emotions in both of them. But he kept walking forward, and Toni forced herself to keep up. The tree was soon in her sights.

Toni approached it slowly, Jason waiting nervously, but patiently behind her. So much familiarity was held in this singular moment it weighted the world down like the heavy blanket of snow.

Toni brought her shaking hand to the wood and brushed it gently with her fingertips. Engraved in the ancient bark was a makeshift heart, TL+JM in the center.

They were fourteen when they carved that there, just starting high school, just starting their path together that would eventually lead to nowhere.

Suddenly, with all the force her body could muster, Toni threw her fist into the heart on the tree. A few bits of bark flaked away, but the impact her punch had on Jason was what she was really aiming for.

He stepped forward, “Toni!”

“Why?” She spun around and cried at him.

“Toni, you’re bleeding!”

“Why?” She repeated with more force. “ Why did you leave like that? How could you possibly have done that to me?!”

“Let me explain-”

“No! I’ve been waiting almost two years for this! I get to talk first!” Toni put up her blood-covered hand. Jason backed away, silenced with shame. “What were you thinking?! When you showed up that night, what was running through your head? Did you think I’d be OK with what you did? Did you think everything was going to be just fine? What could have possibly made you think that leaving me like that wasn’t going to kill me inside?!”

“It killed me too.”

“Then why. Tell me. Why did you do it.”

“Because I was afraid!” Jason let himself scream for the first time. It echoed through the empty park like a gunshot.

Toni let the words sink into her before looking back at Jason, with the sternest expression, and whispering “what were you afraid of?”

“I told you that night that Yale wasn’t me. That you weren’t me.”

“I remember.” Toni nodded curtly.

“It was a lie.” Jason shook his head. “I mean, I tried to make myself believe it, but it was a lie all along.”

“I don’t understand...”

“I was sitting in my room that whole day. Looking at the empty walls, the packed boxes... and I felt it. That feeling of being trapped. Suddenly my whole life was right in front of me and I felt like I couldn’t separate myself from it. It just... happened to me.”

“That’s what life is, Jason. It becomes you.”

“All those years of talking and suddenly it was happening. I had you. We had each other. We had Yale. It was perfect. And it was so fucking terrifying.”

“Why?”

“Because suddenly I was realizing who I was on the deepest level. It wasn’t stupid shit that I defined myself by, like my clothes or my hair or skateboarding or even music... it was you. It was our future. It was me inside and out. It was all just so real, so invested in my heart that I was afraid of it. Afraid of never being able to separate from it, while at the same time afraid of losing it all together. So I told you it wasn’t me, but, the truth is... nothing in the world could have been more me.”

Toni knew that everything coming out of Jason’s mouth was the absolute truth- and it made sense. She had been scared too, she had just known how to handle it.

“You could have talked to me...”

“I know. There are a million things I could have done which would have been so much better then leaving, I’ve gone through them all in my head over and over for the past two years. Every time I think about it, it ends the same way... with me hating myself for letting go of you. I love you, Toni. I always have and I always will.”

And with that, Jason let his soft hand brush against Toni’s uninjured one. It was the first time they’d touched. Toni flinched away as if it burned her, her brain buzzing with what Jason had just said and how a couple of hours ago she would never have dreamed this possible.

“No, Jason I can’t. This is crazy!”

“How so?” He challenged, stepping towards her again and grasping her hand in his tightly.

“I shouldn’t even be here, I have a boyfriend.”

“But you are here. Shouldn’t that tell you something?”

“How dare you try and tell me what my relationship means to me! I love Gabriel!”

“Bullshit!” Jason spat, “You aren’t in love with him. Not at all.”

“How the fuck would you know?!”

“Because I’ve seen you with him. I’ve seen the way you look at him. And it’s nothing like the way you used to look at me. The way you’re looking at me right now.”

Tears stung in Toni’s eyes. He was right. Of course he was right, he was Jason. When it came to her and him... it was always right. The way it felt to lock eyes with Jason was like nothing else. Sure, Gabriel was nice. He was sweet and treated her well. But he didn’t have Jason’s gravity, he didn’t have Toni’s love.

She helplessly looked at the letters scratched onto the tree. This time, she didn’t thrust her knuckles into the wood, and she didn’t flinch when Jason slipped his hand into hers.

“Yale is beautiful this time of year,” she choked out. Jason squeezed her hand reassuringly.

“I’m sure I’d love it.”

Silence followed for a few minutes. Toni finally began shivering from the cold and Jason placed his arm around her shoulder.

“You should never forgive me, you know.” He whispered.

“I know.”

“I just want to make sure you know that I mean every word of it.”

“I know... Thank you.”

Church bells carried on in the distance. Midnight had come.

“Merry Christmas, Toni.”

“Merry Christmas, Jason.”

“How long?” Toni asked a little while later, lips now quivering with iciness.

“Excuse me?”

“You said I was a part of you. A piece of your heart. How long had it been that way?”

Understanding this question as the forgiveness it was, Jason turned Toni gently towards him and kissed her lightly on her frozen lips.

“Toni,” he whispered as he reveled in the feeling of having her in his arms again, “you had me at hello.”