To Be Yours
To be Yours
There was a gate behind the field goal post that the players walked through to get to the Field House locker room. After good games like this, player’s friends and family would gather around and form a little path so they could greet their player as he walked by. It was already crowded when Summer Taking got to the area, but she shoved close to the front. She needed her boyfriend, Noah Puckerman, to hear her.
“Excuse me, sorry, can I get through” Summer kept repeating as she waded her way through the sea of people. Eventually, she found her way close to the front just as the group was beginning to walk by.
Looking like giant red ants, the group click clicked by in their football cleats. Summer’s glossy, grass-colored eyes desperately searched for number 81.
In the last wave of people she found him, not bothering to look up to see if his family had come to support him.
“Puck...” She croaked quietly before filling her lungs with confidence and air, “Puck!”
He turned, surprised. Summer shoved through more people, feeling guilty along the way. He stopped, now alone as the hoards of other players flooded the locker room.
“We need to talk!” She called to him. He nodded slowly.
“I’ll wait for you?” She questioned. Once again, a slow nod was her response. Then he began walking towards the locker room again. The crowd, in a flurry of disarray, cleared to leave the stadium or go find companions. Summer followed about twenty yards behind Puck. When he disappeared into the locker room, she stood and waited. She slumped against the brick wall of the Field House and waited. She waited and waited and waited.
Boys would walk out of the locker room from time to time in Under Armor, carrying giant gym bags and their helmets. Sometimes it would be a single person, other times they’d come out in groups, but at no point did Puck exit that locker room. The consistent stream of boys slowly became a trickle before stopping altogether. In roughly twenty-five minutes, Puck never emerged.
Summer got up and sighed, feeling a weird combination of annoyed and anxious. She paced for another ten minutes or so. Nobody else exited the locker room.
Once again she drew some confidence into her body. She wouldn’t wait any longer. And she’d act on this strange form of assertiveness before reason returned again.
She strode into the boys locker room, her soaked sneakers squeaking on the tile floor.
She looked left and right down the short rows. About halfway through, she saw him, slumped and tired-looking on the bench in front of his open locker.
Unaware of whether or not he had noticed her presence, she began talking.
“I missed you today,” she whispered. He stirred, but didn’t turn towards Summer. “What happened?”
Puck turned his head even further away from her. No answer.
“Please,” she pleaded in another whisper. “I just want to know.”
After another moment of expectant silence, Puck finally faced her. His mohawk was damp, but whether it was from the lingering rain or sweat Summer wasn’t sure. Eyeblack coated his cheeks in streams. Those eyes, of course she noticed, seemed lifeless.
“I... couldn’t do it.”
She nodded knowingly. He had bailed. She had figured as much. “So why didn’t you call?” She questioned this time, slightly louder, slightly more urgently. “Why didn’t you at least tell me?”
The only things he had removed since entering the locker room were his shoulder pads and his helmet. He cautiously peeled off his skin tight Under Armor shirt to reveal his bare chest. For a moment, Summer thought she could feel his radiating heat brush by her, but then the cold feeling of this conversation returned again.
“Would you have wanted me there like that? Totally freaked out?” He answered with another question.
“I, I don’t know...” Summer stammered, picking at her gloves nervously. “I just wanted you there...”
“Well, I wasn’t. I’m sorry.” He replied shortly.
“You wanted me to go!” Summer exclaimed, for the first time that night she could feel her throat burn with the intensity in her voice. “It was your idea! You encouraged me! You said that if I started going to counseling, I could finally work through all these awful feelings about my parents divorce! How could you say you would be there with me and then just not show up?”
“Summer... I know you didn’t want me there that way.”
“But I needed you there. Anyway I could have gotten you, I needed you there.”
“No you didn’t.” Puck’s voice was miles lower than Summer’s, in both volume and direness.
“Yes I did!” She threw my wet gloves to the floor. “Of course I did! I needed you and you weren’t there for me! Does that sound familiar to you?”
“Summer, stop this.” He sighed, getting up to stretch and take off his cleats. Summer fumed at his nonchalance in a way that felt way too familiar, and way too unwelcome. “You didn’t need me there. Not like that.”
“You’re wrong!”
“Why?” Puck spat, finally catching up to the urgency of the conversation, “Give me one goddamn reason why I am wrong!”
“Because I love you!” She screamed. The echo resonated in the empty locker room. The look on Puck’s face made his eyeblack look like two big bruises. Finally, she had said that word she had fought off since the day her father left. Love.
“You... you mean that?” Puck froze, midway through untying his second cleat.
“Fuck, Noah, of course I do!” She cried. “How could I not? After everything that has gone on these past year... I’m still here... Look where we are right now... Still here... How could I still be here if I wasn’t completely in love with you?”
Silence followed. Puck was struggling with words, she could see.
“I love you,” She repeated again. “What you have meant in my life... what you have changed in my life... it’s remarkable. You don’t realize exactly what you’ve done to me. For me. Locking eyes with you... it does things to me you have never known. Since day one.”
“So why is it like this?” Puck asked. “If you feel this way, why can’t we ever hold it together?”
Summer blinked. Two hot tears raced down each of her cheeks. “How can two broken people like you and I hold together anything so beautiful?”
“So what do you want to do?” Puck asked.
“I want you to decide.”
“Why?”
“Because all you ever do is ask me! I need to know what you want!”
Summer started when Puck suddenly slammed his locker shut. Flaring, steaming at his touch, she gasped when his fiery hands found her fragile, rain-cooled waist. He kneeled down before her.
“I want you.” He pleaded. “I know that some of this stuff is too heavy for me, but goddamn it, Summer, I’m trying my hardest. You have no idea how much it kills me to see you hurting. When you mention your mom and dad... The look that comes over you... It’s haunting. It keeps me up at night. The last thing I want to do is see you like that. You ask me what I do want? I want that ghostliness to never touch you again. I want to be able to help you without getting so scared I run away. But what I want most of all... What this all comes down too... All I really want is to be yours.”
“Excuse me, sorry, can I get through” Summer kept repeating as she waded her way through the sea of people. Eventually, she found her way close to the front just as the group was beginning to walk by.
Looking like giant red ants, the group click clicked by in their football cleats. Summer’s glossy, grass-colored eyes desperately searched for number 81.
In the last wave of people she found him, not bothering to look up to see if his family had come to support him.
“Puck...” She croaked quietly before filling her lungs with confidence and air, “Puck!”
He turned, surprised. Summer shoved through more people, feeling guilty along the way. He stopped, now alone as the hoards of other players flooded the locker room.
“We need to talk!” She called to him. He nodded slowly.
“I’ll wait for you?” She questioned. Once again, a slow nod was her response. Then he began walking towards the locker room again. The crowd, in a flurry of disarray, cleared to leave the stadium or go find companions. Summer followed about twenty yards behind Puck. When he disappeared into the locker room, she stood and waited. She slumped against the brick wall of the Field House and waited. She waited and waited and waited.
Boys would walk out of the locker room from time to time in Under Armor, carrying giant gym bags and their helmets. Sometimes it would be a single person, other times they’d come out in groups, but at no point did Puck exit that locker room. The consistent stream of boys slowly became a trickle before stopping altogether. In roughly twenty-five minutes, Puck never emerged.
Summer got up and sighed, feeling a weird combination of annoyed and anxious. She paced for another ten minutes or so. Nobody else exited the locker room.
Once again she drew some confidence into her body. She wouldn’t wait any longer. And she’d act on this strange form of assertiveness before reason returned again.
She strode into the boys locker room, her soaked sneakers squeaking on the tile floor.
She looked left and right down the short rows. About halfway through, she saw him, slumped and tired-looking on the bench in front of his open locker.
Unaware of whether or not he had noticed her presence, she began talking.
“I missed you today,” she whispered. He stirred, but didn’t turn towards Summer. “What happened?”
Puck turned his head even further away from her. No answer.
“Please,” she pleaded in another whisper. “I just want to know.”
After another moment of expectant silence, Puck finally faced her. His mohawk was damp, but whether it was from the lingering rain or sweat Summer wasn’t sure. Eyeblack coated his cheeks in streams. Those eyes, of course she noticed, seemed lifeless.
“I... couldn’t do it.”
She nodded knowingly. He had bailed. She had figured as much. “So why didn’t you call?” She questioned this time, slightly louder, slightly more urgently. “Why didn’t you at least tell me?”
The only things he had removed since entering the locker room were his shoulder pads and his helmet. He cautiously peeled off his skin tight Under Armor shirt to reveal his bare chest. For a moment, Summer thought she could feel his radiating heat brush by her, but then the cold feeling of this conversation returned again.
“Would you have wanted me there like that? Totally freaked out?” He answered with another question.
“I, I don’t know...” Summer stammered, picking at her gloves nervously. “I just wanted you there...”
“Well, I wasn’t. I’m sorry.” He replied shortly.
“You wanted me to go!” Summer exclaimed, for the first time that night she could feel her throat burn with the intensity in her voice. “It was your idea! You encouraged me! You said that if I started going to counseling, I could finally work through all these awful feelings about my parents divorce! How could you say you would be there with me and then just not show up?”
“Summer... I know you didn’t want me there that way.”
“But I needed you there. Anyway I could have gotten you, I needed you there.”
“No you didn’t.” Puck’s voice was miles lower than Summer’s, in both volume and direness.
“Yes I did!” She threw my wet gloves to the floor. “Of course I did! I needed you and you weren’t there for me! Does that sound familiar to you?”
“Summer, stop this.” He sighed, getting up to stretch and take off his cleats. Summer fumed at his nonchalance in a way that felt way too familiar, and way too unwelcome. “You didn’t need me there. Not like that.”
“You’re wrong!”
“Why?” Puck spat, finally catching up to the urgency of the conversation, “Give me one goddamn reason why I am wrong!”
“Because I love you!” She screamed. The echo resonated in the empty locker room. The look on Puck’s face made his eyeblack look like two big bruises. Finally, she had said that word she had fought off since the day her father left. Love.
“You... you mean that?” Puck froze, midway through untying his second cleat.
“Fuck, Noah, of course I do!” She cried. “How could I not? After everything that has gone on these past year... I’m still here... Look where we are right now... Still here... How could I still be here if I wasn’t completely in love with you?”
Silence followed. Puck was struggling with words, she could see.
“I love you,” She repeated again. “What you have meant in my life... what you have changed in my life... it’s remarkable. You don’t realize exactly what you’ve done to me. For me. Locking eyes with you... it does things to me you have never known. Since day one.”
“So why is it like this?” Puck asked. “If you feel this way, why can’t we ever hold it together?”
Summer blinked. Two hot tears raced down each of her cheeks. “How can two broken people like you and I hold together anything so beautiful?”
“So what do you want to do?” Puck asked.
“I want you to decide.”
“Why?”
“Because all you ever do is ask me! I need to know what you want!”
Summer started when Puck suddenly slammed his locker shut. Flaring, steaming at his touch, she gasped when his fiery hands found her fragile, rain-cooled waist. He kneeled down before her.
“I want you.” He pleaded. “I know that some of this stuff is too heavy for me, but goddamn it, Summer, I’m trying my hardest. You have no idea how much it kills me to see you hurting. When you mention your mom and dad... The look that comes over you... It’s haunting. It keeps me up at night. The last thing I want to do is see you like that. You ask me what I do want? I want that ghostliness to never touch you again. I want to be able to help you without getting so scared I run away. But what I want most of all... What this all comes down too... All I really want is to be yours.”