The Thrill Is Gone

“I just want you to know that no matter what happens, I’m gonna be here for you. You hear me? I’ve got your back. Not that that’s anything new. I mean, I’ve always had it. I’ve always done what I could to be there for you. And I know sometimes I couldn’t be physically present, because I was away at school or you were away at school, but I always did my best to makes things better. And I guess what I’m trying to say is that . . .” He cleared his throat, endeavoring to regain control over his emotions. He didn’t want to cry in front of his little sister. That wouldn’t have been right. He had to be confident and secure, because he couldn’t even begin to imagine what she was going through. There he was freaking out, but she was the person whose life would never be the same. “Sorry,” he found himself apologizing after a prolonged silence. “. . . I’m sorry for rambling on like this. It’s just that I’ve got all these things I want to say. I want to put into words how much I love you and how much I’ll take care of you, but I can’t. It’s like my minds decided to shut off on me. All I can say is that I’m gonna be here for you, no matter what. I’ll look after you, help out with whatever it is you need, and support you regardless of what you decide on, because I . . . I love you, Paulin.” He’d tried to keep himself from crying, but in the end, as was only right, a few tears were shed. “And I just want to make sure you’re happy.”

Overwhelmed by her brother’s reaction, she abandoned her place on the examination table and wrapped her arms tightly around him. She didn’t care if her blouse was still hitched up over her belly or that there was still that ultrasound goo on her skin. The only thing she cared about was conveying her gratitude and love to her brother, because his crying was a very big deal. She had only seen him cry twice before. Once, when he graduated from John Hopkins, the second on the night before she went off to college for the first time, and now . . . now he was standing in front of her with tears sliding down his face and she was at a loss as to what to say. She hadn’t thought he’d cry over her pregnancy. Definitely her parents, but not him. Luis was always so in control of himself and his emotions. Whenever he got overwhelmed, he’d make a bad joke and have a laugh over it, but there he was, crying. And all she could do was cry as she held him, because from the moment she found out she was pregnant, she hadn’t stop crying.

“Luis,” she said his name tenderly, her voice shaking as she spoke. “No llores. Por favor no llores. Todo va estar bien. Te prometo que voy hacer muy, pero muy feliz. (Don’t cry. Please don’t cry. Everything’s gonna be alright. I promise that I’ll be happy, very happy.)”

“How can you know that?” he asked as he pulled away from the hug. “You just found out you’re pregnant. How can you know it’ll be okay, when you don’t even know what you’re gonna do?”

“Who says I don’t know what I’m doing?” she questioned, a bit gruffly. “I know what I’m gonna do. I’ve known from the moment you told me.”

“Really?”

She nodded as she wiped away some of the fallen tears with the heel of her hand. Not that it helped. More tears readily took their place.

“I . . .” She took in a deep breath. It felt strange saying it, but she knew in her heart that it was the only option. From the moment her brother had informed her of the pregnancy, she knew there was only one thing to do. “ . . . I’m having them.”

That wasn’t at all what he’d expected from her. He thought for sure that she’d put an end to it, because that would’ve been the safer thing to do. After all, she was still in college, she wasn’t married, her boyfriend was a Prince who could never legitimize a child conceived out of wedlock, and she didn’t have a secure income of her own, not to mention the press would never give her or her unborn child a moment’s peace. Everything was stacked in favor of an abortion. She would’ve had an easier life had she decided to undergo one, but there she was, announcing her intention to continue with the pregnancy, and he didn’t know what to say to that. Were congratulations in order? Was he supposed to grin and say that he was really happy for her? Because he couldn’t. He wasn’t. He was concerned, especially as he remembered a conversation that he’d had with Harry on the day of Paulina’s graduation party. He replayed the Prince’s words in his mind, and he grew increasingly fearful about what the future would hold for his sister and unborn niece or nephew. He’d be there for them, of that much he was certain. Through it all, she would have him to turn to, emotionally and financially (if need be), but he knew in his heart that wasn’t enough. And he was afraid that she might not get what she really needed and wanted most.

“Luis,” she said his name softly, pleadingly. “Say something . . .”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“What do you mean you don’t know? You were just going on about how you were going to be there for me and how much you love me and how you want me to be happy. Don’t you still mean that?” her voice broke. “Or did you change your mind now that you know I’m going through with the pregnancy?”

“Don’t insult me.” He told her. “I’m a man of my word.”

“Then you still mean it – all of it?” She gazed up at him through tear filled eyes.

“I do.” He reassured, smiling gently. “If I said I’m gonna be there for you it’s because I am.”

“Then why were you so quiet? You didn’t say anything for the longest time and that’s not a nice thing to do to a pregnant lady. It makes them freak out! And I was seriously freaking out over here, because I thought you might’ve been mad at me for deciding to keep my baby.”

“Why would I be mad over that? It’s your choice to make, not mine. I was just . . .” he was trying to find the right words to convey his feelings on the matter, but they evaded him. “. . . I . . . well, it’s just – it’s fucking crazy.”

“I know it is,” she said with a tremble in her voice. “It’s fucking insane! I mean, I never wanted to be a mom at twenty-five. That’s something I was supposed to do in my thirties, not twenties. Right now, I was supposed to be focusing on school and passing the bar and landing a job afterwards. Those were my priorities. For fuck’s sake, they’ve pretty much been my priorities since I was eleven! And I was willing to give up anything for them. I mean, I broke up with Joaquin to be a Rhodes Scholar. And as bad as it sounds, I didn’t really care that he was heartbroken, because all that mattered was following my dreams. That’s what I focused on, and had I gotten pregnant with him or when I was barely starting out with Harry, then I wouldn’t have hesitated to get an abortion.” She was slightly embarrassed by the admission. It was the Catholic guilt. “I wouldn’t have been willing then. I wouldn’t have been ready! Not that I’m ready now. I’m fucking terrified, but I can do this. I know I can. I’ve made up my mind to.” She placed her hand on her exposed belly, not caring if it got covered with the sticky goo. “I’ll walk away from my childhood dream just as easily as I left Joaquin, because my baby’s the most important thing in my life now. And all I can do is be brave and love her, because that’s all that matters. Right?”

It wasn’t. Love was good, necessary, but it wasn’t everything, not when it came to raising a child. There was so much more that went into it, especially when it came to a Prince’s baby, but he wouldn’t tell her that. She was searching for confirmation in him, and he would give it to her.

“Yeah, for sure,” he assured. “As long as you’ve got that, you’re set.” He waited for her to say something, but she was busy gazing at her belly. “Let’s get you cleaned up.” He told her. “We’ve got to get the fuck out of here, Daniella still has appointments.”

“Right,” she said, suddenly realizing that there was a world outside. “I can’t have people seeing me with this goo on my gut. They’ll run off to the tabloids before I even have a chance to tell Henry.”

“And we can’t have that.” Luis helped her back onto the examination table, and then proceeded to grab a couple baby wipes from the counter so that he could clean off her belly. “So you’re set on a girl then?”

“What?”

“When you were talking about being brave, you said that you’d be brave for her.” Luis reminded. “Before that you were just talking about them in general terms, you were either calling them baby or it.”

“I hadn’t realized I’d said her.” And she truly hadn’t. It had slipped so effortlessly that she’d fail to notice. “But between us, I’ve always dreamt of a little girl. Don’t get me wrong, boys are fine. I love boys! Growing up with you guys was great, but . . . I don’t know, there’s just something about a little girl. I-I can’t explain it, but I’d be really fucking happy if I had one.” She was already imagining dressing her up like her favorite Disney Princess and taking her to theme parks and signing her up for soccer and wrestling. “That’s not to say I wouldn’t be happy if I had a boy. I’d love them just as much and I’d dote on them and all that, but I’m still gonna pray for a girl. I’ve even got her name picked out.”

“You’re shitting me!” he exclaimed as he finished wiping her belly.

“I’m serious,” she said as she lowered her shirt. “I’ve had the first name and one of the middle names forever. I mean, they’re something I’ve wanted to name a daughter ever since I was little, but the other middle name’s fairly recent, because I’ve got to incorporate Henry. I mean, it wouldn’t be right if I was the only one who got a say in naming the children, but – don’t laugh!” she punched her brother on the shoulder. “This isn’t funny! It’s not like I was just hanging out and thinking up baby names because I wanted to get knocked up. I just . . . I really love the names and the combination of them. So do you want to hear it or not?”

“Go for it.” He said, encouragingly.

“Theodora Diana Louise.”

At Louise, he froze. “Did you, uh, did you just say –”

“I did.” She grinned, and the tears started up again. “Do ya like it?”

“Like it?” he scoffed. “I fucking love it! But are you for real?”

“Of course, I am!” The mere questioned offended her. “I love you, you idiot.”

“Enough to name a kid after me, though?” His eyes swam with tears again, and his face was somewhere between a look of disbelief and utter happiness. “I mean, I sort of expected to always be a padrino (godfather), when you had kids, but not this . . . definitely not this.”

“Well this just goes to show how much I love you.” Her eyes glittered feverishly as she tried to prove to her brother that she was in earnest. “And I’m not just saying this to say it. If I have a daughter, her name will be Theodora Diana Louise, and no one will change my mind on it. It’s important to honor those we love, and I know Henry won’t want to make Diana our daughter’s first name, but it’ll be the second and yours will be the third, por que te quiero mucho (because I love you so much). You’re my brother, my best friend, and it feels right.”

“And what if it’s a boy?” Luis asked with a sheepish smile on his face.

“Then he’ll be Theodore Frances Louis.” She replied without missing a beat. “Though I don’t think Henry would really go crazy over Frances, because while it is technically one of his mother’s names, he’ll think I’m trying to incorporate Francis Kennedy. So on second thought, Frances will be out, and we’ll either use Spencer or Charles or we might get lucky and just have a little girl so we can keep the name I want. Don’t look at me like I’m crazy!” she playfully smacked his arm. “It’s a good thing that I’ve got the name figured out, because that means I can now figure out everything else. And I’m hoping I don’t have another panic attack like I did when I found out I was pregnant, because . . . fuck. You know? Fuck.”

“It was bad, but it wasn’t as bad it could’ve been.” Luis told her. “You just went crazy for a couple minutes, and it wasn’t even like super crazy. You were just crying and muttering. I honestly thought you were gonna react worse, but it was pretty okay. And at least you didn’t accuse me of lying. I thought your ass was definitely gonna do that.”

“It would’ve been a very me thing to do.” She agreed. “But I don’t know, I guess my subconscious already knew what was going on. I’d been having symptoms for a while, but I always found excuses for them. It never clicked for me that I might be pregnant, but I am, and my body knew, so did my mind, it just didn’t want to let me know – if that makes any sense.”

“Totally makes sense.” He humored her. “Now come on, let’s get out of here and get you home.”

“I don’t want to go home.” She blurted out. “Not yet, at least. The fucking press is gonna be there and they might not know what’s going on inside me, but I just don’t want to face them yet or mom or dad.”

“Mom’s not there though. She’ll be at our Tia’s house until an hour before dad gets home so she can cook. You’ll be fine.” He hesitated before continuing. “And you’re gonna have to tell them at one point or another, so maybe today’s as good a time as any.”

“No.” Paulina firmly declared. “I’m not telling them, not until Henry knows.”

“But –” Luis began to protest.

“He’s the father. He deserves to know before anyone else.”

“But he’s in England. This isn’t the sort of conversation you can have over the phone or on Skype.”

“That’s why I’ll be flying out there.” She hadn’t decided that until that very moment. “I’ll take a few days off work and fly out. He won’t be able to see me until Friday, since that’s when he has time off training, so I’ll have plenty of time to plan how I’ll tell him.”

“If you told mom, she could help you plan.”

Paulina shook her head. “Tempting as it is, I can’t do that. I know in my heart that I’ve got to tell Henry first. And I need you to promise not to tell anyone – not our parents, not our brothers. This stays between us and Daniella. Can you promise me that?”

“Of course, I can.” He reached out to touch her belly, and gently rubbed it. “For you and my niece, I’d do anything.”

“Thank you, Luis.” She placed her hand atop of her brother’s. “You don’t know how much of a relief it is to know that I’ve got you on my side, because I know Rafa and Adrian are gonna be pissed.”

“Don’t fucking worry about them. They’ll come around.”

“Will they?” she asked in a small, scared voice.

“They will.” He firmly assured. “They might get all bitchy, but in the end, they’re family and family always looks out for each other. So don’t worry about them or mom and dad. No matter what, they’ll be there for you. Now come on.” He offered her his hand and helped her get off the table. “Let’s get out of here.”

“I don’t have to go home, do I?” she really didn’t want to. “Can I hang around here?”

“Here?” repeated Luis, arching his brow questioningly. “It’s not gonna be any fun. I’ve got several appointments lined up this afternoon, and you’d be by yourself in the office for like four hours.”

“That’s okay.” She told him. “I don’t mind being alone.”

“Fine then,” he told her. “But before we go to my office, we’ll get some food.”

“I’m not hungry though.”

“Not now, but you might be in a little while.”

“That is true, but I just don’t want people to see me, then they’ll fucking tweet or Instagram it, and the fucking press will show up at the hospital. I don’t want sick people to be hassled because I’m here. That’d be bullshit.”

“Then I’ll go get the food.” He only had fifteen minutes left of his lunch, but was lucky enough to still have thirty minutes later. He always scheduled with enough room to let him take a late lunch if need be. “What’re you craving?”

“I could go for a torta ahogada with some rice and beans on the side.”

“Alright then, let’s get you to the office and then I’ll get you that and some Sidral. And before I forget, I’m gonna have Dani get you some prenatals and whatever else she thinks you’ll need. That way you can be set when you go to England.”

“I can’t take those with me. They always look through my bag, and I know TSA agents have big fucking mouths. They’d sell me out.”

“Well you have to take them.” Luis said sternly.

“Tell her to just give me the vitamins that the prenatals would have, that way I can take them and no one will know what they’re actually for.”

“Your wish is my command.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Does it look like I’ve been crying?”

“Not really. Just get some Visine and you’ll be good. How about me?”

“Hell yeah it does, but don’t worry. We can go through the stairs and take the mostly deserted corridors.”

Not long after, the pair were safely back in his office, where Luis handed his sister the control to the TV and then left to go on their food run. The Mexican restaurant he was going to go to was just across the street in a shopping center, so Paulina wouldn’t be alone for too long, but she was grateful for the solitude. She had woken up that morning thinking that she was going to die from pain and now she knew there was a life inside her, and she couldn’t help but stare down at herself in wonder, utterly amazed by the fact that there was a human being forming within her. How was it possible? How did that fetus come into existence when she was on the shot and Harry always used condoms? She couldn’t understand how they’d manage to beat the odds. They’d doubled up on birth control, and yet there she sat, pregnant. And although her mind was still adjusting to the fact that she would be a mother, her heart had already taken to it. It had taken to the baby in her womb, and she was in love with every single bit of it.

It was a love so strong that it eclipsed anything she’d ever felt before. The love she felt for her family, the love she felt for Harry – it was nothing compared to the love she felt for her unborn child. They might’ve still been forming inside her, nowhere near being done, but each cell was precious to her. She’d chosen to have them, and she would spent the rest of her life striving to the best mama she could.