The Thrill Is Gone

She hadn’t been herself lately. The sleep deprivation that came with finals, coupled with his prolonged silence, had her acting the part of a stranger. Her smiles were insincere, forced onto her face to make others think she was perfectly fine, her eyes no longer held the mischievous spark that they were so well known for, and even her appetite had taken quite the beating. Food no longer interested her. She didn’t care if she ate a proper meal or if she had nothing but dry cereal from a sandwich bag. Her mind was elsewhere, occupied by the man who had sworn he was mad about her, but hadn’t even bothered to phone her in nearly a month. She didn’t understand why he’d just severed all communication with her. Was it an accident or had he planned on doing so all along? Was his going to Africa just an excuse for never having to see her again? She didn’t want to believe it was. Her heart desperately urged her to think that there’d been communication problems that he hadn’t the means of calling her, but the problem with that theory was that he was a prince, and that he was always just a phone call away from Buckingham Palace.

He had the means of contacting her. So why hadn’t he? Had he forgotten her? Grown bored? Perhaps he had. Perhaps he’d just been mucking about with her heart the entire time, and she’d been too lost in the fantasy of what could be, to notice. Oh, how she wished he would’ve called or sent a single note through the mail. That would’ve been enough to calm her heart and quell the rage that was stirring within, but he had done neither. And her heart was suffering for it. She had given herself to him entirely. That was one of her faults. When she was with someone, she gave them her heart entirely, and apparently he didn’t want it. Her heart was of no consequence to him. It didn’t matter whether it was his or someone else, all that mattered was that he was getting laid. No. No! That couldn’t have been it! She refused to believe that his every look and caress had been faked. He’d been sincere when he told her that he fancied her, the way he kissed her forehead when she pretended to sleep had been sincere. He cared for her. She knew he did, but he was just being an asshole that wasn’t calling and she wanted to know why.

Maybe someone found out and thought she wasn’t good enough for him. Maybe they told Harry that she had no title, no wealth, that she was a commoner from another country, and that it’d be best if he interest himself in persons of his station. That thought was comforting, well as much as it could be, the anger in her heart was taken from him and redirected to his position. If only he wasn’t royal. Then there would’ve been no objection to her. She knew she wasn’t perfect, but she could see herself pleasing normal parents. She was educated, a Rhodes Scholar, had a welcoming disposition, and an extensive resume of activities and charitable work. Had he been normal things could’ve worked, but he was a prince, and the odds were that he’d forgotten her, or that he was well on his way to.

And all she could do to cope was to mope in her apartment. Having to study kept her occupied enough, but whenever she took a break, she’d just sit there, staring at a lone picture of them that she carried around in her wallet. He had his arms wrapped tightly around her waist and was staring down at her with such a tender gaze that her face was lit up in a foolish grin. That was the only picture she had of him. The only one she’d ever had.

On Friday, when examinations finally came to an end, she went over to her dealer’s house and picked up a few edibles as well as an eighth. She then peddled home, fully expecting to spend the entire weekend stoned out of her mind, but when she got to her apartment she was surprised to find Olivia and Alfred sitting on the steps. They’d tried calling her several times to remind her that they were meant to have a celebratory dinner that night, but her phone was on silent so she hadn’t heard or picked up. Worried about her, they decided to go over to her apartment when she was there, when she didn’t answer, they decided they’d just sit on the steps until someone walked out or went in, so they could sneak into the building. But thankfully it hadn’t gotten to that point, just a few minutes after they sat down, Paulina showed.

“Paulin!” exclaimed Olivia. “We were worried sick about you!”

“Huh?” replied an out of breath Paulina.

“We were worried sick!” she repeated, making her way towards her sweaty friend. “Tried calling you loads of times, we did, but ya didn’t pick up! So we thought something might’ve happened and dropped by to check up on you. But you’re alright, aren’t you? Or is something the matter?”

“No, nothing, I just didn’t hear the phone ring.” Paulina dismounted her bike. “Had it in my bag so I couldn’t hear it while I was peddling,” she told them. “What were you calling about?”

“About dinner,” Alfred chimed into the conversation.

“Dinner?” asked Paulina, not remembering their plans for the evening.

“Yes, dinner,” he answered. “Are you sure you’re alright? It’s not like you to forget dinner plans.”

Paulina’s eyes widened in realization, “Fuck! I’d completely forgotten about dinner. Sorry about that. Can’t fucking believe I – you know what? Just give me a few minutes and I’ll drop my school stuff off and we can head over to – where are we eating again?”

“At my place,” spoke Olivia. “We’re all cooking dinner together. Remember?”

“Oh yeah, right, right, we’re all cooking.” Paulina paused. “Uh, was I supposed to take anything?”

Olivia shook her head. “No, we’re gonna stop round the store to get what we need. Are you . . . you sure you’re alright? You seem a bit off.”

“I just haven’t been sleeping well.” That was a half truth. “You know how it is with finals. It’s nothing but studying and squeezing in an hour nap every once in awhile, but I'm alright.”

“If you’re that tired, we can reschedule. Maybe tomorrow?” proposed Olivia.

“No, tonight’s fine.” Paulina forced a smile. It was better to get dinner over with on Friday, so she could have her weekend to herself. “Let me just drop off my bike and we can get going.” She was about to walk away when she realized she hadn’t asked if they wanted to go in with her. “Do you guys want to come up or just wait right here?”

“I’ll go with you,” said Olivia.

“Think I’ll go get the car. I parked a few blocks away so I should bring it round.”

“See you in a bit then!” Olivia smiled brightly, waving goodbye to him before following Paulina up the steps. “He didn’t park that far off. Just up the road a bit. We were surprised by how packed it is right now, usually there’s loads of parking space.”

“Yeah, there usually is, but a lot of people are moving out for the summer so their parents have come up for the move.”

“Oh that’s right! Forgot about that,” said Olivia, following Paulina inside the building. “Guess I’ll have to start packing soon.”

“Are you moving apartments?” asked Paulina as they walked up the stairs.

“No, but I'm subletting it for the summer.” Olivia tucked a strand of blonde hair behind her ear. “I’ve got to be moved out by next Friday, since that’s when Rhys is moving in.”

“I didn’t know your cousin was moving to Oxford. Is he taking summer courses?”

“Must’ve slipped my mind, but yeah, he’s moving to Oxford. For the summer months, he’ll be taking over my place and then he’ll get a new place for the fall, probably in the same building as me since he was real keen on it. And no, he’s not taking summer courses. He’s got an internship, so he’ll be doing that. He’ll have courses in the fall, though. After he visited here he decided Oxford was for him.”

“That’s great.”

“It is,” agreed Olivia. “Enough about him, though. How are you? You excited your mum’s coming soon?”

“I'm really excited. It’s been forever since I’ve been around them, and I just really need them here for awhile. The homesickness has been getting to me.”

“That’s why you’ve been down lately. Isn’t it?”

Paulina nodded.

“Well, I'm very much glad your mum will be here and don’t remember, I'm expecting you over at my house for a holiday! My mum said to remind you. Ah! And Collette’s been nagging at me to make sure you drop by for a visit. I reckon she likes you more than me.”

“Hah. Not even.”

“She does!” argued Olivia. “Collette’s always telling her mates about how she has a mate from America! They’re all quite jealous actually, and when you go over, I'm fairly certain that she’ll make you go round to the playground so she can show you off.”

Paulina opened her apartment door. “Collette’s beyond adorable.”

“Only when she wants to be,” commented Olivia. “That reminds me. Would you fancy staying the night? Alfred and I were thinking maybe some drinks were in order, and well – it’d be lovely if you could stay over.”

“I think it’d be better if I didn’t. That way your drunken selves can get weird.”

“Paulina!” shrieked Olivia, smacking her friend on the back. “Don’t say that. We’re not – no!”

“But you want to.”

“I want to do loads of things, but I'm not gonna go round doin’ all of them.”

“Well you should do some of them.”

Olivia’s cheeks flushed with color. “Now that you’ve teased me, can you at least say if you’ll stay over?”

“I’d love to, but I'm meeting up with some of the rugby guys in the morning, sorry.” Paulina lied.

“S’alright. Just promise to stay for a few drinks.”

“I will,” promised Paulina. “But before we head out, let me change and grab a jacket, it’s getting cold out.”

“It is! I think it might even rain today.”

“Ah, alright, I’ll take an umbrella while I'm at it.”

It wasn’t long before the pair was climbing into Alfred’s car; Olivia sat in the front while Paulina sat in the backseat. Olivia talked for most of the ride, going on about how glad she was that finals were done with, and how she expected both of them to drop round her house during the summer vacation. Alfred immediately asked Paulina if she’d want to go when he went, that way he’d save himself the awkwardness of being the only nonfamily member there. Paulina, also wanting to minimize the potential awkwardness, agreed. It was better that way. They’d have each other to talk to in case Olivia was showering or had to run off to do an errand that they wouldn’t be able to tag along to.

Before heading over to Olivia’s apartment, they stopped by the market. She had a few items at the house, some cheese and vegetables, but since they hadn’t decided what was going to be on the menu for the night, they figured it best to just walk through the aisles at the market and get whatever they were in the mood for.

“Is it just me or is anyone else in the mood for mashed potatoes?” asked Alfred as they walked through the produce section.

“What would we make them with?” asked Olivia as she pushed the shopping cart along.

Paulina pursed her lips together. “We could have some grilled chicken or pork or beef. Mashed potatoes could pretty much go with anything. I'm good with any. How about you guys?”

“I’ve actually been craving chicken.” Olivia said. “I like how you season it. Do you think we could have that? I mean if you lot feel up for it.”

“Chicken’s brilliant,” reassured Alfred.

“Yeah, chicken sounds good.” Paulina said. “And we can have some salad and wild rice to go with it and the mashed potatoes.”

“And wine?” asked Olivia.

“Of course, it’s not a meal without wine.” Paulina declared. “Let’s get everything we need then. Don’t want the rain to catch us with groceries.”

From the produce aisle, they grabbed a variety of vegetables for their Caesar salad, as well as some croutons and dressing. They’d forgotten to grab the potatoes, but just as they were entering the rice aisle, Alfred remembered and ran back for them. While Alfred grabbed the potatoes, Paulina tossed a few boxes of wild rice into the cart, making sure that it was the right brand.

“Should we get a whole chicken?” asked Olivia as they walked out of the aisle.

Paulina shook her head. “It’ll take too long to cook it all, we should get some breasts. I mean, it’s only the three of us so making an entire chicken would be a waste, especially since we’re gonna have a few sides. We can throw in some drumsticks, if you want. I know how much you like those.”

“That’d be fantastic!”

“Let’s go find Alfie and then we can grab the chicken.”

Olivia followed Paulina, pushing the cart slowly as they walked. “So . . . how’ve you been? I feel like it’s been ages since we’ve had a proper chat. Exams have gotten in the way of life.”

“Yeah, they have,” agreed Paulina. “But I’ve been fine. Just keeping busy with school and trying to sleep. How about you?” she asked.

“About the same,” replied Olivia. “It’s been awfully boring as of late, but summer’s here. Though I'm sure it’s not as sunny as it is in America, but it can be quite lovely. And I'm sure you’re gonna have loads of fun running around Oxford with Henry.”

Her forced smile momentarily faltered, but Paulina recovered quickly enough and the forced smile returned to its rightful place. “I'm not sure I'm gonna get to run around Oxford a lot with him. He’s taking summer courses in London,” she lied. “And since everything’s so compact during the summer, I might not get to see him as much, but it’s alright. I can just phone him.”

“Courses won’t be much the matter,” commented Olivia. “He’s mad about you, he is. And I reckon he won’t mind taking a holiday or two to come out to see you. Just remember to tell him not to come over when you’re meant to be at my house.”

“I’ll remember.” Paulina scratched at the base of her neck, turning her head slightly to see where Alfred was. “Look at that, Alfie’s on his way back. Oi! What took you so long?”

“Couldn’t find the bloody potatoes!” he bellowed. “Moved about the display, they did. And I couldn’t find them for the life of me! S’alright though, asked one of the workers here and they saw me to them.” Alfred placed the sack of potatoes in the cart. “What do we need now?”

“The chicken,” replied Olivia. “We’re going to have chicken breasts and drumsticks.”

“Mouths watering just thinking about it,” said Alfred, his lips curling upwards into a smile. “That reminds me! I need to grab some mineral water.”

“I should probably get one too.” Paulina spoke. “Should we do a detour for mineral water and then grab the chicken?”

“Yeah, sounds fine to me.” Olivia said, pushing the cart in direction of the beverage aisle. “I think I’ll have one of those flavored sparkling waters, haven’t had one in ages.”

After grabbing their respective drinks, the trio wandered over to the meat section where they grabbed a packet of chicken breasts and drumsticks. Now that they had everything they’d need for their dinner, they proceeded to make their way to the check out aisle. Olivia walking ahead, as Alfred and Paulina talked about the finals they’d endured. He’d finished the last final before her, which was why he hadn’t waited for her. She’d been exhausted and ended up taking the entire three hours that were set aside for the exams. She felt bad for having stayed so long, and dreaded being the last one because that would’ve met the professor stayed there just to supervise her, but it turned out that three other people had taken up the entire examination time as well.

“I honestly blanked out for like half an hour,” she told him. “I kept staring at the fucking page, but nothing came to mind so I just sat there and glared at it.”

“You should’ve skipped that question and moved on.” Alfred said.

“Well, I tried that, but my mind was completely blank so I couldn’t remember anything. It was fucking horrible, and I seriously started to panic. At one point I thought about just walking out of the hall, and failing, but thankfully the gears started turning and I was able to remember what I’d been cramming for the last few weeks.”

“That’s how I felt during yesterdays exams. I hadn’t slept, hadn’t eaten and I was just bloody miserable and felt like –”

“I knew it!” shrieked Olivia. “I bloody well knew it!”

Paulina exchanged a confused looked with Alfred before asking, “What are you rambling about, Via?”

“This!” Olivia grabbed a magazine off the rack. “Look! Just – bloody hell! I knew it! Those two are just meant to be. Aren’t they perfect? They’re so perfect! Mark my words, there’ll be wedding bells soon enough.”

“Uh . . . Olivia, love, we can’t see who’s on the cover or read anything. You hands sort of blocking most of it.”

“Oh, right, right, sorry about that. Bloody daft of me, but here,” she removed her hand, “its Prince Harry! He and Chels are back together again.”

“W-what’d you just say?” she stuttered.

“Harry and Chels, they’re back together! Look, it’s a picture of them snogging in Africa.” Olivia pointed at the locked lips excitedly, completely unaware that she was breaking her friend’s heart in the process. “When I heard he was going to Lesotho, I just knew he’d end up seeing Chels. I could feel it! You know? Because there was no way Harry was going to be in Africa without seeing her.”

“So she’s from Africa then?” asked Paulina, finding it increasingly difficult to seem alright.

“Mhm, Chels is Zimbabwean.” Olivia answered, far too focused on the magazine to notice her friend’s change in appearance.

“Well, good for him,” Paulina forced herself to say. “He loves Africa. She’s Zimbabwean. It works.”

“It does!” agreed Olivia, excitedly. “Oh, I think I'm gonna have to grab this magazine. I’ll give it a good reading when I get home.”

“If you want you can read through it right now,” said Paulina. “I need to go to the restroom so you can read and then when I come back, we can check out?”

“Are you sure? We can just buy this and you can go at my place.”

“See, the thing is I don’t know if I can’t hold it that long.” Paulina whispered.

Olivia’s eyes widened at the hint of urgency in her friend’s voice. “Oh! Alright then, we’ll just be here. Don’t rush! We won’t go anywhere.”

“Be back in a bit.”

With the hurry she’d pretended to be in, it would’ve made sense for her to take off in a brisk walk towards the restrooms, but her legs refused to walk quickly out of fear that her knees would give out. She wasn’t at her best, hadn’t been in a long time, and after seeing that image of Harry kissing Chelsy in some bar, all she wanted to do was cry. He hadn’t been told not to see her by his dad or grandmother. He’d been the one that decided he’d had enough of her. He’d blown her off, severed all ties with her and gone off to snog someone else. And all the while her heart longed for him, all the while she thought about him day and night, pondering what he might be doing and when he’d come back. Paulina had set aside weekends, just in case he came in early and wanted to surprise her, but there hadn’t any point in doing that. Harry wasn’t a part of her life anymore and even though she told herself that it could end at any moment, that she wasn’t his girlfriend, she couldn’t help but be devastated.

Paulina was emotionally invested in him. Her heart was his. It’d been his for awhile now. She hadn’t told him that out of fear of scaring him off, but she cared deeply for him. No. That wasn’t strong enough to describe what she felt. She loved him. She’d grown to love him in a way that she never thought possible, but the love she felt for him no longer had her smiling and feeling giddy, it had her crying in a bathroom stall.