If I Stop

In my dreams, I would spend countless hours running around the cross country course behind my school. I would just run. Not at any particular speed, not in a race against anyone or to find my perfect time. I ran simply to feel the breeze caress my cheeks. To feel those stray locks of hair whipping in the wind and stick to my face. Sometimes it would be raining in my dream. Sometimes it would be snowing.

When it rained I never got wet. I ran through the ran and stepped in large puddles but I always stayed dry as the desert. When it snowed I never felt the cold. Treading through snow mounds and jumping over ice patches. There was nothing that could stop me. I just ran, with no purpose other than because I could.

About a month after I started dating Eric, he would end up beside me. He would flash a small grin and run next to me. We wouldn't talk or touch each other. We didn't even look at each other besides at the very beginning. I could always feel his presence right next to me though. I could hear his deep breathes and the sound his feet made against the ground. It was calming. He would always be right next to me.

At school we were both on the cross country team together. He wasn't the star of the men's team, never last and seldom first. But his times were good and he was in shape. He never let other people get to him. When he found his stride he stayed with it. He was faster than me by a few seconds. During practice I would always find myself staring at the back of his shirt, dying to catch up with him. It was nice that in my dreams we were the same speed.

I was never last and seldom first. I usually tied for third and on a good day tied for second. My times were always a half second behind and that was okay. The other girls had more drive than I did. They were looking to get scholarships from Chapel Hill, I just enjoyed the run. I wouldn't take that from them. I never really pushed myself as far as I could go. I always stayed a little bit behind that.



I played with the straps on my back pack and tried to push my way through the thick crowd of students to the locker rooms. Every day it was a constant struggle to fit the massive student body through the small halls and the even smaller doorways. But I was used to it. Three years meant I didn't care enough to get frustrated. I wouldn't be late to practice and if I was no one would care.

Eric found me in the crowd, slipping his hand into mine. Lacing his fingers with mine. It was simple and sweet. Neither of us were much for public affection. It was no ones business. He asked me about my day and my classes, I answered truthfully that the AP Euro test was a breeze and that my AP French V class was slack as usual. I asked him about his day and he answered truthfully. His Honors Latin class made him want to rip his hair out and his AP Physics teacher was probably insane.

By time we made it to the locker rooms we had gone over each others day and confirmed our plans for the evening. He placed a small kiss on my cheek and we walked into our respective changing rooms.

I pulled my shirt and jeans off and threw them haistily into my bag while Lilly began talking about whichever college boy she had shagged this weekend. I slipped on my sports bra, shirt and running shorts when she got to the juicy details. "He was a right awful kisser I'll have you know. Too much tongue. I felt like I was choking." I gave her a small laugh and tied up my shoes. "You know I'm always telling you about every boy I hook up with, but you are like a lock box or a safe or something when it comes to Eric." I threw my back pack into my locker and cracked my knuckles. I chose not to talk about Eric the way she talked about every boy that went to Davidson. "Come on, readers are dying to know! Have you gone all the way yet? Are you going to? How was it? Is he a good kisser? Is he big?"

I rolled my eyes at her and started walking towards the track, "Lilly, it's really none of your business."

"Is that code for he's small?" She fake gasped and clapped her hands over her mouth if faux-surprise.

"It's not code for anything." I pushed her playfully watching her giggle at my words.

"Come on there has to be something! He's got a weird fetish for belly button rings. When you're home alone he throws stones at your window and begs you to watch Remember the Titans with him." I rolled my eyes and kept declining all of her accusations. She kept up a steady wave of very personal questions all through out stretching. If anyone besides Lilly had been asking these questions I surely would have punched them in the face. But it was Lilly, she wasn't doing it to spread gossip, she just wanted something to bug me about.

Everyone lined up on the starting line, boys and girls, waiting for Coach Hewitt to call time. I looked at Lilly and smiled at her, "You know there is one thing-" Here eyes widened with excitement but Coach called time and I sprinted off. Faster than I had ever run before. Really pushing myself to get away from her.

I could feel the muscles in my legs flex with each step. My heart was beating wildly at first but found it's rhythm and settled in, fitting perfectly with the sound of my feet hitting the ground. For once the people running next to me were not familiar. I was up with the fastest on our team and no one seamed to notice or care.

As I rounded the very last corner of the trail, the stitch in my side screamed out in pain. Begging me to slow down or stop just for a moment. My thighs and calves ached out in a sort of echo of pain. But I was fast. A few of the people I was running with had slowed down and I didn't want to today. Today I felt like giving it all I had.

There were only three people in front of me now. Two girls were right next to each other. Keeping the others pace steady. And one boy was almost a yard ahead of them. A little urge in the back of my chest wanted to finish before the boy in front. For the first time I wanted to win, even if it was just during practice. So I went faster. I pushed my body harder than I had been before. My muscles screamed in resist but I ignored it. A full out sprint had me passing the two girls and in the following seconds I was passing the boy and crossing the line.

Coach Hewitt called my time out to me. I was only half listening, not really caring what the numbers had said. I just felt the adrenaline coursing through my veins. I took a coveted spot on the awaiting bench dragging my fingers of the condensation on my water bottle.I wasn't all that thirsty yet. I only barely felt tired. I watched as everyone else crossed the line. Some jabbing their fists in the air at their time, others collapsing completely on the ground.

Lilly downed half her water bottle then took a seat next to me, "What was that?!"

"Nothing. I was just bored." I couldn't think of any real reason for pushing myself when all season I had just done what I knew I could. I stayed in the middle of the pack not wanting to see if I could win.

"That's a load of bull shit and you know it!" She shoved me a little then placed her chin on my shoulder. "Well, anyway, my ride is here and it looks like lover-boy wants to talk to you." She tousled my hair then called out her generic goodbye. Chao baby, see you in Calc.

Eric took the spot Lilly had left and placed his hand on mine. It was another simple gesture that I enjoyed. He congratulated me on my time and mentioned how Sydney had tripped and fell into a ditch and how Jake had stopped to help her. As if on cue Jake came into view holding Sydney up. She was covered in mud and limping like some one had cut off her leg. She was always over dramatic when it came to injuries. "Ready to go then?" I nodded and Eric and I got up and walked over to his car.

As he drove me to my house we chatted about senseless things. Tests coming up, big meets coming up, other over dramatic things Sydney had done throughout the day. He pulled into my drive and shut the car off. Like he did every day. It wasn't that he expected to come inside, he knew that our goodbye would last for a while.

While we didn't kiss at school, we did kiss in his car outside of my house. My parents wouldn't be home for another hour or so and he never had to be anywhere. I would always try to tell myself to get out of his car and just go inside but something about the way he kissed me made me want to stay. I couldn't really just stop and go away, even if I would see him for dinner. We never got down and dirty in his car, just sort of trapped in the moment. We would smile into each others kissed and whisper sweet nothing into the warm air. It was always a nice way to end my day.

"Seven." I whispered in between kisses. He smiled at me and whispered back that he would be late unless he left right now. I gave him another small kiss and climbed out of his car. I could hear him starting the engine as I unlocked my house. I was showered and redressed by time my parents got home.

I was pouring over my French homework when my mom stuck her head in my door. "Eric's coming over tonight yes?" I nodded in response and looked up the conjugation for another irregular verb. "Seven?" I nodded again and she left. My parents love Eric. They get excited when I say he's coming over. He's always polite to them and helps wash up after diner. He jokes around with my dad and talks about going to NC State. Diner with Eric and my parents is always a lovely occasion.



The bus to the big meet was rowdy and loud as usual. Lilly talked endlessly about how a boy from a few weeks ago hit her up wanting to try it again and how she totally would if he didn't brag about it to whomever would listen. I pointed out that she was doing the exact same thing and she explained that it was different because I was the only person she told. After thirty minutes she got me to tell her about diner with Eric on Monday. It wasn't eventful, just normal.

Everyone unloaded and stood around waiting to be called for their particular events. The men's race was first so naturally everyone crowded around the finish to see who won. Would it be us, or would it be our rivals from across town. The start gun sounded and every stood around waiting.

The boys finished their race and all of the girl lined up. Lilly and I stood next to each other and some girl I didn't know stood on my other side. She went to the rival school and I only cared about not being last. The gun sounded and a few girls started in a full out sprint, they would tire themselves out by the half way point and be struggling to keep up as the race ended. Lilly, the other girl beside me and I kept a steady pace. Not sprinting our hearts out but not at the very end of the group. The middle.

As the race went on, more and more people peeled off towards the back. Not having the stamina to keep up. What had been a tight group was now a group of two or three here and there. But the girl from our rival school had stayed right next to me. We rounded the second to last corner and she began sprinting, daring me to come after her. Because I could, I sprinted right along side her. It wasn't too hard to keep up. So she pushed herself a little more and I did the same. As we rounded the last corner she shot off with a renewed gusto and distanced herself from me. I didn't care, I knew I was faster than that. I pulled another burst of energy from deep within me and caught up to her. In the last seconds I pulled ahead and won. All the boys stood around clapping and cheering on their respective teams. I turned around and waited for Lilly to finish or for Eric to find me.

Lilly crossed the line with a huge smile on her face, "I knew you would win." She grabbed my hands and began jumping up and down. I smiled to her and shrugged off the compliment. It wasn't that I wanted to win. I just didn't want to lose. We talked about how Sydney had faked another ankle injury. Coach Hewitt gave us an uplifting speech then dismissed us all to our buses. Lilly and I turned to walk over to our bus when she stopped dead in her tracks. Her eyes focused on something in the woods and her mouth hung open. I followed her gaze and my heart dropped.

It was Eric, poorly hidden behind the trees with the girl from the other school. The one who came in second. He was kissing her more passionately than he had ever kissed me. His hands were all over her, like he just couldn't get enough before he had to go. "Oh my God, Mary." Lilly grabbed my hands but I gently pulled them out of her grasp. My mind seemed to have slowed down, nothing was making sense except I needed to move. To get out of the spot I was rooted to.

So I ran.

I ran down the trail I had just completed. Jumping over the same fallen branches and same puddles. I passed the same scenery and just kept going. I could hear the buses starting and pulling out of the lot but I kept running. I was running like I had in my dreams. All by myself on a lonely path. I couldn't feel the weather, I couldn't even feel my legs. They just carried me forward.

I ran because I could.

Because I had to.

Because I wanted to see how far I could go

before I had to stop.