Arrangements

After the show, the guys cleaned up backstage and Astrid, Allie and I joined them. Astrid and Frank made out like horny teenagers and Allie and Mikey were talking so sweetly, it was cute. I was jealous, I'm gonna be blunt. I wished that Gerard would at least pretend that lovey-dovey stuff with me. Even if he hated love, he could at least pretend.

"Wanna go somewhere?" Gerard asked me; his pale and red make up was smeared over his face. He reminded me of a monstrous clown, but without the hideous wig.

"Yeah, sure." I answered softly.

Gerard took loosen some of the buttons on his dirty button up and loosen the tie, and took my hand. His was still damp from the faucet, but I didn't mind. I felt his thumb roll against my knuckles as he held us out of the dressing room and down the corridors. 

Outside, it was quiet, but on the other side of the building, you could hear the buzz of people leaving the show. Gerard led me towards the lighten up benches, where the bus drivers and others hung out and talked.

Gerard sat down and pulled me onto his lap. He rested his head against my chest, his arms draped around my waist and squeezed slightly. I pressed my cheek against his head and hugged him. I felt something in my veins...the emotion caught in my throat. The way he held me...I felt love.

"Gerard, can I tell you something without you getting pissed?"

He hummed, not moving an inch, "Yeah?"

"I...I feel love." I whispered.

He sighed, "I'm sorry you do."

"Why...why do you say that you don't do love?" I asked suddenly.

"I've been fucked over too many times." He answered simply, "You met me too late."

"If you do find yourself loving me, what will happen?" I was afraid of the answer.

"Uh...I don't think I could be with you anymore." 

I frowned and pulled away from him, "So, you'd leave me? What if we have kids--"

He stood, letting me step from him, "Kids? You want kids?"

I felt like an idiot, "Well...yeah. Doesn't everyone?"

"No," he stated, "I don't. I won't have kids. That goes with the territory of love." 

"But...if it happens--"

"We'd take care of it." He told me coldly.

"You'd make me abort it?"

"Better than praying for a miscarriage."

My jaw dropped and I felt sickened. I stepped back, grappling with those thought -this entire conversation.

"I told you Stormy. I can't love you."

"Just because you refuse to, doesn't mean you can't!" I felt myself becoming angrier by the second.

"I can't. I won't. I refuse. Any of those feelings come through, then we are through. Got that?" he spat at me.

"Well, what do you want from me?" I asked suddenly, "Aside from me taking care of you."

"I don't want anything." He told me coolly.

"What if I fall in love with you?" 

What if I already had?

"I feel sorry for you. You're only hurting yourself."

I wanted to cry, but I wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

"So...you want me to be a bitch all the time? Act bitter?"

He shrugged, "When you're bitchy, the sex is mind blowing. Especially when you're pissed off at me."

I shook my head, "The sweet talk, the--"

"Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to."

I licked my lips and swallowed thickly. I blinked the threatening tears away, "Fine. Whatever you want Gerard. It is all about you."

He rolled his eyes, "I told you the truth, Stormy."

"No, you're just scared, and you're acting like an asshole." I shook my head, "But it's fine. I'll play your game until this marriage is ended. I just can't wait for that day."

Gerard just stared at me. I couldn't really tell what he was thinking, I couldn't read his face. I crossed my arms over my body and started towards the back door.

"Wait!" he jogged after me.

"I'm not going to tell anyone we fought, what's the use? I'm just going to tell Astrid to take me home so I can get my bags."

"You're still coming?" he sounded happy, but the sound was faint.

"Yeah. You need me." I said sorrowfully.

Gerard just nodded and let me go inside.

-

Astrid can read me like a book. She knows me better than myself. So, I know she'd probe me as soon as we got into the car.

She had watched me when I returned to the dressing room. She had stopped sucking Frank's face long enough to look at me. She furrowed her brows and frowned at me. I waved it off to her and she kept up that sulked feature. She didn't say anything, but stared daggers at Gerard when he came in after me.

"Gee said you're rejoining us." Ray said to me, when I plopped on the couch.

"Uh, yeah. Wedding shit." I lied.

He smirked, "Yeah, wedding shit." he snickered.

I rolled my eyes playfully, "Yeah, is that a big deal?"

"If you two love each other, just say it."

"No "love" here." I said quickly, "Strictly deciding colors and invites for this damn wedding." I felt the heat reach my cheeks; I was angry, and I was hiding it with my sarcasm and anger.

"Don't you gotta get your stuff?" Gerard urged, wanting me to stop.

"Yeah. Thanks for reminding me." I got up and went to Astrid. "Trid--"

"What'd he do now?" she asked.

"Nothing...where's Frankie?"

"Getting some water. Now, what is it?"

"I need you to take me home so I can get my bags."

"What? You're staying?" she asked incredulously.

I nodded, "Yep."

"Why? He's a prick!"

I looked back at him; he had a beer in one hand and his cell phone in the other, "Wedding shit." I lied once more.

"Storm, you don't have to lie to me."

I furrowed my brows, "I know. C'mon, just take me home and bring me back."

Astrid nodded, and went to find Frank.

-

Now, she sat on my bed and watched me pack clean clothes. The cars steered clear of me, and Astrid was clicking her tongue, calling them. It was really fucking annoying.

"What about your birthday?" she asked suddenly.

"You and Allie can celebrate without me. My old ID is still in the drawer. Get wasted, just don't drink and drive."

She rolled her eyes, "Its not fun without you."

"I know, but they're two weeks left and then this stupid fucking wedding and I'll be free of Gerard Way." I zipped up my bag.

"But I thought you guys were making it work?"

I shook my head, "Let's just say, I'll be single forever."

"How so?"

I waved it off, "Nothing Trid."

"Ugh, you're like a poem I don't get."

I chuckled, "Yeah. I know."