Arrangements

The following morning, I woke up to no Gerard. I was kind of scared that I was dreaming our wedding and the way he said he loved me. I smiled when I saw that I was still in the hotel room. 

I pulled the covers from myself and walked around the bed, getting some clothes and quickly put them on. I roamed the hotel room, before decided to wash up. I went to the bathroom, and opened the door. It was scattered with Gerard's clothes and towels. I sighed, picking them up and tossing them into a pile when I gripped something and cut myself.

"Shoot," I murmured, immediately putting my thumb to my mouth. I looked down and saw a razor, and felt a small buzz in my mouth. A weird tingly sensation on my tongue. "The hell?" I pulled my thumb out and saw nothing more than a small cut.

I looked at the razor, seeing some white residue, barely visible on it. Immediately, my only thought was drugs. Gerard is on drugs. Is that the damn secret? 

My tongue had went numb, only slightly and returned to normal. I felt, mentally, sick at the thought of me being high. Gerard was doing drugs, but for what? Why? I wanted to know, and I knew I would face the wrath to get answers.

I left the razor were it was, cleaned my thumb and put a band-aid from the first aid kit on it, and got into the shower. 

When I was finished, I went back into the room, where Gerard was dressed, smiling and waiting for me. He had room service waiting, and it made me forget all that had happened a half hour ago,

"Hey, I'm sorry I wasn't here. I went to handle some shit and got lunch for you."

I smiled, "Thank you."

I went to my bag beside the bed and grabbed some clothes. Gerard didn't let me, he gripped my hips and pulled me onto his lap, he kissed the back of my neck and sighed contently.

"I love you."

My heart fluttered, "I love you too."

He sighed once more, resting his forehead on my damp back. He took my hands in his and felt my fingers.

"Band-aid?" he asked casually.

I swallowed thickly, "About that...I found a razor..." I murmured.

Gerard grew tense. He didn't speak.

"I put my thumb in my mouth and my tongue..." my voice was still low.

"Why did you touch it?" he asked angrily.

I stood, "I didn't touch it on purpose. I didn't even see it! I was picking up your clothes."

He didn't look at me, "What'd you do with it?"

I furrowed my brows, "It's still on the counter!"

He got up and walked into the bathroom. I shook my head and grabbed some loose clothes. I quickly dressed, Gerard came back in. He didn't say anything, and I was expecting an outburst.

"What're you thinking?" He seemed angry still. I knew it so damn well.

"I'm wondering what the hell is going on." I muttered quickly.

"What? Are you judging me?"

I rolled my eyes, "I am not judging you--"

"Don't give me that martyr bullshit, Stormy!" he stepped closer to me, I could feel the anger steaming off of him, "Tell me what you think of me!"

"I think you're great." It was the first thing to come to my mind and spill, "I want to know why. Why are you--"

"Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to." He stepped past me and went over to his bag.

"I want the answers, that's why I fucking asked." I snapped at him, "I'm your wife now--"

He cut me off, he was bent over his bag, "My wife. Obey me and shut the hell up."

I recoiled, as if he had hit me. I was feeling angry, now, slightly betrayed, "Fine. You want to be a fucked up, drugged out singer, be my goddamn guest!" I stormed away from him, heading towards the door, but, he caught me quicker than I anticipated. 

I actually jumped when I felt him wrap his arms -forcibly- around me.

"Don't fucking start!" He pulled me back, "You fucking apologize for what you just said!"

I whipped around, "Apologize? You want me to say sorry for what you do? You're still crazier than I remember."

Gerard grabbed my forearms, "Do you want me to hurt you?!"

"Go ahead!" I yelled back at him, "Do your worse! You're nothing but a punk anyway!"

Gerard glared down at me, his dark eyes scared me, but I didn't back down. He shoved me, groaning angrily and turned from me. My lip trembled after I hit the wall, I felt tears.

"I thought we could make this work!" I yelled again, "Me and you! But you still hold back, you assume things that aren't true!"

He didn't say anything; I watched him sit on the bed and grab his bag, searching for something. He grabbed the dining service empty plate and dumped a small amount of the drug on it. The white power piled in a small hill, and Gerard had the razor again.

"You're just going to do it in front of me?" I went over and grabbed the plate from him. We struggled, spilling it onto the carpet; he glared at me, pushing me back, and I fell on my butt.

"The fuck is wrong with you?! I went through hell to find someone here, you bitch!" Gerard stood and strode over to me.

I didn't know what to do, I hadn't ever been in a situation such as this. The only thing that came to me was to cry, out of fear and frustration. Gerard's shadow covered me as I whimpered and covered my mouth with one hand. I sobbed, my eyes shut, and I anticipated a blow or a kick or another insult. Instead, he was quiet and I was crying; nothing made sense.

"Get up...I'm sorry." He spoke heavily.

"No." I sputtered, "Leave me alone. I want to be alone."

Gerard didn't say anything, and he left. He left me there. I didn't want him to leave, even though I had told him to. I wanted him to crouch beside me and comfort me, take care of me, just like I had done to him. It only made me realize Gerard didn't care for me like I had him; I wondered where the Gerard from last night went.

I wiped my eyes and stood, looking over the plate on the floor, and the powder on the expensive black rug. I shook my head and wondered if I could catch him before he left the hotel. I went to the door, wiping my eyes of left over tears and opened the door.

Gerard was standing across from the door, his head tilted back, looking uninterested at the ceiling. I sniffled, using the plunging v-neck collar of my burnout tee to wipe away more tears. Gerard looked at me, he didn't seem angry anymore, more bored than anything. 

"Why are you standing there?" my voice came out thickly.

"You told me to leave." He told me.

"But...why the hall?"

"I wasn't going to leave you here, by yourself, again." He stepped off the wall and came over to me.

"Gerard, I--"

He shook his head, palming my jaw gently, "Don't talk about it."

"But, we--"

"Stormy, I don't mean to sound anymore like a prick, but Sugar, please shut up."

I nodded, feeling his lips press against mine. My stomach fluttered as he lifted me up, tugging my legs onto his hips and led us to the room. He kicked the door closed behind us, still carrying me towards the bed. He put me down, kissing my cheek, he looked at me; his eyes were gentle.

"I'm sorry." He mumbled, "I have a problem. I don't...I can't stop."

My legs lowered, my arms snug down to his arms, "You can stop."

"No. I need it."

I licked my lips, "For what? What do you need that mess for?"

"To be me. To be who I am on stage."

I furrowed my brows, "How long have you been snorting that shit up your nose?" I asked angrily.

He sighed, "Off and on since High School."

"Off and on?"

"I stopped when I went away to college...I didn't know anyone, then I got back on it my final year, then off when I worked on my cartoons, and on when we got signed." Gerard sighed and laid beside me, resting his hand on my exposed hip, his thumb rolled messy circles there.

"Gerard, that shit can mess you up."

"I need it. It makes me better. I feel good when I'm on it...Sex and music are so much better when I've had a nice bump." He shut his eyes.

"Last night, you took--"

"Yeah." He interrupted. 

"I don't want you to do it anymore." I told him sternly.

"I'm not going to quit just because you want me to."

I sat up, "I'm forcing you to! I'm gonna tell Mikey and Frank and Ray--"

"They already know," Gerard sat up too.

"They know?!" I snapped again, "Are they doing that shit too? What about my sister? And Allie?"

Gerard shook his head, "They don't do it! It's just me. They've been trying to get me to quit too, but I'm not going to. You're going to have to live with it."

I shook my head too, "No! I refuse to! I am not going to just let my husband--"

"Holy shit, Stormy, get a goddamn grip! You and me...this isn't permanent." He grabbed his cigarettes from his pocket, looking away from me.

Again, I felt as if I had been slapped, "Oh. So, last night...that was just your little "bump" talking?" I jumped off the bed, "This is still an act? My feelings don't matter?"

He took a long drag, "No." His face was stony. He didn't bat a lash to me.

Tears brimmed my eyes again, "That's great to know." I muttered sarcastically, "You're a great fucking actor by the way." I turned away, grabbed my small rucksack at the table and went over to the small dining table where my keycard was.

"Where are you going?" He asked as I strolled past him.

"Like you fucking care." I spat and walked hurriedly out the door.

I put my sack on, crossed my arms and jetted to the stairs. I knew standing in one place for too long would upset me and anxiety was fueling me at the moment. I jogged down to the lobby and went out into the busy streets of New York.

No one called me, except Dave, as I walked down in SoHo, buying shit on impulse. I bought a crap load of shoes; converse and pumps to be delivered to my home. I bought some clothes, and some nice dresses for my trip (delivered to my home as well) and then I went to eat.

I sat in a small vegan diner that Astrid swore she would buy one day. I drank tea and ate some noodles. I liked being alone, even in a diner full of people, I felt completely at ease. 

Then, I went to the bookstore. 

I sat at the children's section, reading Roald Dahl books. I was at ease, ignoring the world, and ignoring my hurt. When I thought of the hurt, I wanted ice cream and hot chocolate...and my sister.

I looked at my sidekick phone, wondering if I should call her. Astrid's hollow threats always made me feel a billion times better. I decided against it and figured ice cream would help. I went down the  block to a Cold Stone and got a strawberry, 3-scoop waffle cone with lots of cookie bits and hot chocolate.

The ice cream made me say: "Gerard who?"