Arrangements

Mrs. Way decided that it'd be good if Gerard and I stayed over. I had been in bed for a good day and a half, and I looked horrid. Mrs. Way took one look at me and put her foot down, saying that we'd be staying with her for a while. Mr. Way was glad to have us back, he liked that the house was full, in a way, and loved the noise. Gerard and I stayed in his room, and had gathered some clothes from our home.

"I'm sorry," I told him when we were alone. His mom had been checking up on me for a while.

"Sorry for what?" He asked.

"I know you probably don't want to be here, you wanna be home." I sat up against the railing of his bedpost and pulled my knees up to my chest.

"Home is wherever you are," he told me slyly, "I just want to be with you."

Gerard telling me all this sort of threw me through a loop. No man has ever wanted me around before, nor had they admit it. A guy like Gerard, before, I think he would be ashamed to be married to me.

"You really mean that?" I asked quietly.

Gerard turned around from his dresser, "Yeah, I mean it. Why? Is it hard to believe?"

I shrugged, "No one has ever wanted me around before. Like, a guy, you know what I mean?"

Gerard just looked at me, "I can't believe that...really. I don't understand how these guys aren't always chasing you and wanting to be around you."

"I was known as a frigid bitch, remember?"

Gerard tensed, then walked over and sat beside me. He wrapped an arm around my shoulder, "I love you. Don't forget that." He kissed my head, "You aren't what people expect, and that makes me happy that I'm with you."

I exhaled softly, "I feel the same why about you Gee. You're the greatest."

He kissed me again, "I'm just doing what I should. And...y'know, you wanna sulk and stay in bed all day, you can. Just...don't shut me out."

I nodded, resting my head against his chest. Gerard and I were close again, and that's all I really wanted. My heart ached, my head pounded, and all I wanted was to be reassured that everything would be alright.

I found myself pulling at Gerard, yanking his body on mine. Tears filled my eyes as our lips molded, kissed feverishly. I wanted Gerard, just so I felt better, so I felt love, and forgotten, for a moment, that I was hurting. He took this hint and was gentle with me, and I swear my heart swelled even larger for this man. He set me correctly on his bed, nudging my legs apart, and he moved his lips to my jaw, then looked at me.

His hand wiped my eyes, "Please, I hate to see you cry."

I sniffled, nodding slowly, letting him kiss me gently. We removed our clothes just as slow, marveling in being together. Gerard kneeled on his knees, his body completely exposed to me, "You want to do this, Sugar?" he asked me curiously, cautiously.

I hummed, motioning my head yes. Gerard licked his lips, bowing, hovering over me and positioned himself at my entrance and watched me. My hands held onto his neck, I shut my eyes over, feeling Gerard push himself into me so slowly. I never felt eager to quicken his pace, I just wanted to feel close to him. Once he was fully inside, he looked down at me, still unsure.

"I love you, Gerard." I told him as more tears started to brim.

He kissed my cheeks as the tears rolled down them, "I love you, too."

Gerard moved slowly, pinching his eyes every so often, as did I, but we kept a slow pace. Our skin heating just as slow, our kisses gentle and sweet. As cliche as it sounds, Gerard and I were making love, and I didn't think about it until we had finished. He was lying beside me watching me with tired eyes and waiting for me to say or do something. I looked over at him and scooted my naked body closer to his.

I half lay my body on his, letting one of his arms hold my waist, while the other was still at his side. My arms were around his neck and his waist, too, inching towards his left hand to hold. He finally took hold of it, kissed my forehead and steadied his even breathing.

For a while, I didn't think of my parents deaths. I only thought of how in love I was. I don't know if that's selfish or not. I didn't want to ask, but I did want to know.



Days passed through my fingers like sand. I didn't know if it were night or day. I didn't know when I should eat or go to bed. But, I did know my mother's funeral was soon. I knew I had to go to that, and I wasn't looking forward to it.

My mind did weigh heavy on me, more or so about immortality. I was afraid of the future, and I lingered for the past. I didn't know what the future held for me, I was afraid of dying, to be honest. I'm 25, shouldn't I be living it up? But, I'm not like most 25 year olds, and my mind was set different.

The future; I thought about having babies. A lot. 

I saw Astrid with her swollen belly, and the glow she had. I wanted that, I wanted to have a baby. I wanted a little being, a little piece of my heritage to live on. I knew that Gerard wouldn't go for it, he didn't want kids, and he made sure I took my birth control religiously. I wanted so bad to bring it up, to plan a child, but I was afraid of that too.

At my mother's quiet funeral, a lot of older people were there. A lot of people from the church who recognized Astrid and I, and gave condolences. When they saw that Gerard and I were married, they were stunned, but ultimately happy for us. 

My mother's funeral seemed to pace and drag my emotions out. I didn't enter the chapel, I didn't see her in her coffin and I didn't set the arrangements. Mrs. Way and Astrid did most of it, and I didn't ask to be apart of it. I was frozen with fear and a lot of anger. Anger at God, a being whose existence I questioned.

So, I sat, mostly in the back area of the church, for the family. I had a grey knit dress on, and black flats and tights. I had my hair down, with a beanie and I didn't bother with make up. Gerard sat with me through the ceremony, and that's when I felt like bringing up the idea of having a child.

"Gerard...I need to talk to you." I was scared again.

His eyes flicked at me, I noticed how handsome he looked in his charcoal grey button up and black slacks, "Yeah?"

I swallowed the lump growing in my throat, "How...how do you feel about babies?"

His brows furrowed, "Babies? I don't know...they're alright. Why?"

I didn't know if he took the hint or if he was generally clueless.

"This past week, I've done a lot of thinking...and I...I was thinking, maybe we could, y'know, expand our family a little more." My face had grown hot when I slowly etched this out to him.

I didn't look to him at all, he sighed heavily, "I don't want kids." He stated hastily.

"Why not?" I question curiously.

"I just don't. Do I need a reason?" He was getting upset.

I finally looked up at him, but he was looking down, "Yes, you do. I want to know the reason why you don't want to have kids."

"I just don't like them. They need and want and I can't do that." Gerard spoke harshly and angrily.

I shut my mouth and sat back, crossing my legs, "Okay." Was all I could think to say.

He sighed again, "I'm sorry Stormy."

I began to tear up again, just from feeling heavy, and a small part of my dreams being crushed, "It's okay. You don't have to apologize." I told him dryly.