Arrangements

Alex walked me to my car at the end of the night. It was three hours before the ball was to drop, and it was nice outside, despite the cold. 

"So, within the next month, you'll be able to meet me in LA?" We stood by my car in the park lot.

"Yeah, I mean I need to visit Dave anyway." 

"Cool, cool. I had a great time, I was able to be totally honest and spill my ideas to you."

I chuckled, "Sometimes you just need to find someone to let loose with."

"I'll call you, okay?" 

"Sure." I shook his hand again, "Pleasure meeting you."

"You too. Have a safe drive."

I thanked him and got into my car. I left as he walked back towards the coffee shop, and my school girl crush was finally let lose. I giggled like a right idiot.

I kept myself from swaying as I drove, and got home an hour and a half later. I sat in my car for a few minutes, grabbing the one cigarette I stashed in my ashtray and light up. I was actually feeling really good, more so than I had in the past few weeks. I lit my cigarette and took a long drag; that's when my phone beeped. I looked down at it, in my cup holder and grabbed it.

It was a text message from Gerard. I popped my sidekick open, reading the text; i miss u

I furrowed my brows, texting back; think u mis-text-ed me

I took another drag and exhaled a short second later. My phone beeped once more; no its u i miss

r u drunk?

no im bein good

why do u miss me?

bcuz i didnt tell u bye

I swallowed thickly, snubbing out my cigarette; what r u doing?

thinking bout u

its so hard to understand u sometimes

im crazy im in love with u

I tweaked my lips, hating how bipolar our relationship is. I wanted nothing more than to see him right then. Despite all he had done, I love him to death.

i love u too call me in 2 hours

i will

I closed my phone, wondering what all this fighting and making up will lead us to. I was tired of fighting, I wanted to get down to the root of our problem and start our life together -officially. Gerard and I weren't being completely honest with one another...or, rather, he wasn't being honest with me. He was holding back, and he was hiding from me, and it bothered me. He didn't trust me, even when I had been totally honest with him.

I gave Gerard everything. I let him see my insides. I let him see the gritty gross parts of me; parts I wish hadn't existed. Now that we were in this stage of our relationship, shouldn't he be just as honest? I get that he's afraid to tell me things, for fear of judgement, even though I wouldn't ever judge him. I love everything about him, despite the attitude.


I had told Astrid and Allie all about Alex, and the projects we were going to work on. They were both skeptical about it, they were worried about me.

"I don't want you to fall for this one guy and want Gerard still, and then not being able to choose." Astrid sat in her bean bag chair, bundled up in one of those damned snuggie things.

"What?" I raised my brow.

"You obviously are, like, crushing hard on Alex," Allie said, tossing her hair back like the Valley girl she is.

"I think he's cute," I admitted bashfully.

"What about Gerard?" She asked.

"I don't know." I murmured quietly; I thought about the text messages.

"Do you love him?" Astrid asked next.

"I have love for him, I care for Gerard, and I always will...and, at the moment, I am in love with him."  I told them reluctantly.

"With everything that's been going on..." Allie trailed softly, "Mikey has told me that Gerard has been...y'know...."

"You don't have to beat around the bush, Al, I know." I said.

"Oh. Well, I'm sorry. Mikey worries about how he's treating you, and he was worried about the tour and how Gerard would do without you. The whole drug thing is over, it's mostly the booze and women."

It seemed that Allie knew a lot more about Gerard than I did. She and Mikey are attached at the hip, and they tell each other everything.

"What does Mikey say about Gerard?" Astrid seemed to read my thoughts.

"Gerard is very...private, y'know? He doesn't like giving out too much," Allie coursed her dark locks; she had changed from purple to black, "he misses his Grandmother, and..." Allie swallowed thickly, "if I tell you this, this has to be kept in secrecy."

My heart thumped, suddenly quickening it's pace as Allie's boyish voice went lower.

"What?" Astrid and I asked at the same time.

Allie shook her straightened hair again, "Well...Mikey told me that Gerard had a girlfriend in college...real pretty English major who had lived in building had been selling him her dad's OxyContin--Anyway, Gerard was gettin' real serious with her, and towards graduation, she had gotten pregnant and Gerard was so excited.

One night, Gerard had been on the pills real bad, like to the point that he couldn't leave his couch. His girlfriend was fed up with him on the drugs, kept yelling at him to get clean and finally, Gerard had gotten up and pushed her."

Me and Astrid looked at each other. I swallowed the lump growing, and my skin crawled.

"What happened then?" My voice was timid and shaky.

Allie swallowed too, "She was about 5 months along and when Gerard pushed her, she tripped over his easel and onto the hardwood floor...they lost the baby, the girl moved away and Gerard got into the drugs, harder."

My jaw slacked slightly and I stood up. Astrid had called my name as I turned and left the room. I went to the bathroom, leaning against the sink.

My head hurt from the information I had just received. Gerard had kept this from me, and it all nearly clicked for me. He couldn't control his temper, he couldn't control his habits with drinking and drugs. I think he was afraid to hurt me...but, it didn't explain the cheating. But, I didn't care about the cheating, I just wondered how he felt inside, I wondered if he was guilty or if he blamed himself. 

"Stormy?" Allie called softly on the other side of the door, "I apologize for telling you that. I just...I thought maybe you knew...but I believe you should know."

I turned on the faucet and splashed my face. I didn't look at myself though; I grabbed the towel on the counter and dried my face. I opened the door, seeing Allie and Astrid against the opposite wall, looking worried.

"I apologize," Allie started again, "I shouldn't have--"

I stopped her, "No, I'm glad you told me. I think I understand Gee better."

"Are you gonna confront him?" Astrid questioned softly; everything seemed gentle and fragile.

I shrugged, "I dunno...I don't think I am."

Before anyone could say anything, my phone started to ring. I grabbed it from my sweatshirt pocket, looking at the screen quickly; it was Gerard, and the New Year was set to enter in 20 minutes. "It's Gerard." 

They both looked at each other, "You can go and sit in the guest room," Astrid touched my shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze.

"Thanks." I flipped my phone open, heard the sound of music as I walked down the hall, "Gee?"

"Hey..." he trailed, even with the music going, "how are you?"

I walked into the guest room and shut the door, "I'm fine. How are you?"

"I'm...feeling like shit," he cursed softly, there was something in his voice, "I did some shit that I'm ashamed of."

A continuous cycle of self destruction. 

I sighed, "What?"

"You don't want to know." He sounded buzzed.

"Why bring it up?" I didn't want to fight, but I was over this.

"I don't know." He growled, but he didn't sound angry at me.

"Gee, what's wrong?" my voice was lower, a soft whisper.

He took a few seconds to answer, "I was thinking about you and what you could be doing with your client."

I sighed, "What do you mean, Gerard?"

"What did you do with him?"

"We talked about what he wanted to work on." I explained.

"Is he better than me?" Gerard sounded drunk, and it hadn't clicked in my mind until now.

"No. Gee, are you drunk?"

"No." 

"Gerard, tell me the truth."

"Fuck...yeah."

"And what did you do already? You barely left a few hours ago."

There was silence. 

"Gerard." I said his name angrily.

"I took some pills..." He answered me with a lowered voice.

"What kind of pills?"

"Downers."

I combed my hair back, "And you feel guilty."

"Yeah."

"Well, I don't care." I felt my stomach twisting, I forgotten about the whole root of our problem, "I don't care what you do anymore, you're so selfish, and you're such a dick. I hope you have fun with your goddamn downers," I was set to hang up, but my head was splitting, "And don't worry; when you get home, those papers will be signed and you can continue to do what you please." I closed my phone and felt my anger bubbling slowly.