Arrangements
Why? Because.
I kept this fight to myself. I didn't want to bring Astrid into it, so I lied and said Gerard was still upset with me. I didn't get into details.
As the New Year came in, I was burying my creative juices on my computer, and sketch book, coming up with ideas for Alex. Gerard had barely been on my mind, but that was because I forced him out. I talked a lot, almost hours on end, to Alex about upcoming trips and exhibitions I wanted to do and see. He was very curious about my work and picked my brain. I hated to say this, but I compared Alex to Gerard a lot; they were both different, despite the fact that they both are singers in punk bands.
Alex is very influential with art and always writing. He often sent me new art work that he discovered and wanted to hear my opinion on it. It was refreshing and new and fun; it was like he was wanting to know me.
Gerard loves to draw, and it very quiet about his ideas. He loves feedback, but only when he wants it. Gerard doesn't ask me about my interest or my ideas about art. He compliments me, but that was pretty much it.
Astrid liked that I was getting closer to Alex, because she knew how much I missed the west coast. I loved the starving artist, the grittiness of the motivation and the people with no regard to authority. It was a freedom. Something I craved everyday.
As the weeks went on, I didn't talk to Gerard, and my need to start a family, to have babies, slipped from my grasp. I still want kids, it just, I rather paint and take pictures and sculpt than have a baby with someone who doesn't want kids. I knew that my and Gerard's marriage wouldn't last through this, and I was slowly becoming OK with it; he was selfish and I was tired of throwing my needs out the window for him. It hurt, believe me, I wanted to be with Gerard more than anything, but I couldn't take the constant tossing of my dreams. I wouldn't change my world anymore than I already had.
Mrs. Way didn't like the fact that I had told her that I planned the sign the papers when Gerard got back. She didn't want us to divorce, to part, but she understood, and she hated it. I begged her not to pester Gerard about it, because this was my decision and I made it on my own. I remember she had cried and told me that I was messing up the order of things, and I didn't understand it. I think, or feel, that she meant the way my father and her mother had wanted Gerard and I together; like it was destiny, but I never believed so.
When February arrived, I was preparing to leave to LA. I had wondered about the trip to France with Gerard. It ate at me when Alex had asked when I would be heading back. I didn't know what to say really, because it hit me that Gerard and the rest of the band were coming back home for 3 weeks, then off again. There tour schedule was hung up in Astrid's kitchen; she marked the days off to when she'd see Frank again.
I hadn't given it much thought, until Astrid called me. I picked up, "Sup?"
"I'm making dinner for Frankie tonight, and we're gonna do the alone thing."
"They're back?"
"Well, Frank said they'd be home in a few hours. I as giving you a heads up, just incase you and Gerard have any problems."
I groaned, "Well, geez."
"I'm sorry! We're trying to squeeze in as much alone time as possible; the tour and the baby is going to keep us busy."
I courses my hair, "It's fine, I don't expect you to watch me."
"Ignore him if there's a problem."
"Yeah, yeah."
I had hung up my phone and decided to paint to clear my head. I was so glad I had gone and bought some cigarettes before the rain started. Sylvester and I stayed in my "studio", while the rain poured and the music was up.
I had been out of it for a while, because when I finally came down to Earth, the electricity went out and my music had stopped.
"Shit!" I grumbled.
I grabbed my phone, using it as a light in the dim hall. There was a big crash of lightening, causing me to jump, then a large bang. "Goddammit!" I cursed at myself.
I went into the kitchen, that's where I saw a candle lit. My eyes went wide when I saw Gerard at the kitchen counter, smoking a cigarette.
"When the fuck did you get here?" I snapped at him.
"15 minutes ago. The power poles went down on the other side of town; I bought candles." He snubbed out his cigarette in the ashtray in front of him, "When did you start smoking?"
"College."
"Why are you smoking now?"
"Helps me clear my head." I put my phone in my pocket and turned to leave, but Gerard cleared his throat.
"We need to talk."
"Talk." I mumbled, turning.
"Did you sign the papers?"
I crossed my arms, "No, I was waiting for you to come home and give them to me."
He nodded, "Oh."
"Do you still have those tickets?" I asked.
"Yeah."
I didn't know what to say or do in this slight awkward situation.
"Frank told me about your new little boyfriend. Guess our trip is canceled? I mean, you do want to divorce me, right?" He brought his fingers to the flame of the candle, playing with it.
"This has nothing to do with my client. I work for him, he's paying me to help him with his projects." I glared at him, "I am not fucking him, unlike you, I'm faithful. And us separating has nothing to do with that, I'm sick of being a punching bag."
Gerard looked over at me, the flame gave him an eerie glow. I waited for him to go off at me, but he didn't. It took 2 minutes for him to respond.
"Mikey told me I should tell you the truth." He finally muttered, looking away.
"I don't wanna hear it. You waited this long to tell me, it isn't worth hearing." I turned my heel and left him there.
I went straight into my studio and sat on the floor. My head was hurting, I just wanted my mind to clear like before. Sylvester sat his head in my lap, but sat up once the door creaked open; it was like he knew Gerard was coming in.
"I need to tell you something." He stop at the threshold, two candles in his hand.
"What?" I asked softly.
"I need to tell you why." He stepped over to me, handing me a candle.
"Why what?"
He sat beside me, "Why I don't want kids...ever."
That phrase made my skin crawl. I knew what he had to say, but still, it made me sad. I wanted him to get over it, to understand that he could control himself.
"Why?"
"Mikey was talking to me about it. He said he hated that I was pushing you away for what happened in my past." Gerard set the candle on the table beside him, "I thought he was just being nosy, but then I thought about it, and I knew he was right."
"Gerard, you don't--"
He cut me off, "I have to. Just...let me tell you."
I nodded, looking at my feet. Gerard exhaled, coursing his hair nervously. He chewed at his lip and then looked at me sideways.
"Whatever I say here, stays here, understand?" He gave me a harden look.
"I understand." I mumbled meekly.
He opened his mouth, "Few years back...when I was in college, I had a girlfriend...fiancée, Justine. She and I were partiers, we loved to just fuck and get high, until she got pregnant and she quit partying...I didn't. She didn't love me, but she cared about me, and about our baby, that she moved into this small apartment off campus with me. We got jobs, saving up, y'know, to get baby things, and we didn't really have that much of an idea of what to do. We didn't tell our parents until..." he stopped, "Until, that night."
Again, he stopped and I stayed quiet. I was afraid to speak, afraid he'd stop or tell me off. I waited until he looked back at me, and he opened his mouth.
"I was so scared about school, graduating, getting a job. We didn't have a lot of money, and shit was expensive, and getting stoned was my way to escape. She hated that I still got high and then...she just got pissed and hit me." He stopped, licking his lips, "I was pissed, too, because she had been yelling and I was broke and tired and--" he coursed his hair again, "I just got up and lost control, Stormy. I pushed her." He looked at me, I could see he was ready to tear up.
"I...what happened next?" I asked quietly.
He sniffled, "She screamed at me, and then blood started to pour from between her legs and...I took her to the hospital, we lost the baby." He looked at me with tears brimming his eyes.
I swallowed thickly, scooting over to him and wrapping my arms around him. Gerard put his head on shoulder, wrapping his arms around my back. He let out a small sob, and squeezed me tightly.
"I'm sorry, Gerard." I murmured, "I can't imagine."
He didn't say anything, he just kissed my shoulder and held me. It felt as if he was holding me desperately, trying to cling to life. It was a relaxing, loving, needy feeling.
When he finally let me go, I moved away gently, and looked at him. He kept me on his lap, rubbing his eyes and then running his hands up and down my back. He kissed my lips once, and I kissed back.
"It's nothing against you." He mumbled, "I'll fuck up our kids. I'll hurt them, I'll hurt you."
I shook my head, "No you won't."
"Yes I will."
I stared at him in the dim light, feeling terribly sorry for him. The burden on his shoulders, of feeling as if he'd hurt someone close to him, wore on his shoulders. I saw the true Gerard in that moment; the caring person that he truly is, hidden by his anger -a desperate facade to keep me away from him.
"I promise you won't, Gerard. Why won't you believe me?" I whispered to him, not wanting to shout and pound this into his head.
"Because I've hurt so many people. I've fucked up, what makes me and you anymore different?" He tilted his head, placed it against my chest, holding me closer.
"I love you, I trust you. You infuriate me sometimes, but goddammit, I love you," my throat grew tight, "I'd do anything for you, Gee, I would do anything you ask me to."
He lifted his head, looking me in the eye, "Why?"
"Because, I'm stupid. Because I am in love with you. You hurt me...and I want to hurt you back, but I can't. You've done something to me that makes me turn a blind eye to what's right and what's wrong."
He searched my eyes, his darting, looking for something. Finally, he kissed me, feverishly, tipping us backwards onto the carpet. He was on top of me, kissing, gripping my hips and pressing my back deeper into the carpet. My hands flew into his hair, massaging his scalp, feeling at ease, some pure bliss of being with him.
He pulled from my lips, "I'm sorry."
"Apology accepted."
He exhaled, "I...I don't know if I trust myself yet...but I do want...one day, to have kids."
I smiled, "As long as you want to."
He nodded, "I think you're the only person I can imagine myself having kids with. When you told me you wanted a baby, I wondered about it, y'know, and that's the only way I'll have any; if you're carrying them."
My stomach knotted up with happiness, "I don't know what to say, Gee."
He leaned closer and kissed my lips, "Tell me you love me." He smiled.
"I love you."
As the New Year came in, I was burying my creative juices on my computer, and sketch book, coming up with ideas for Alex. Gerard had barely been on my mind, but that was because I forced him out. I talked a lot, almost hours on end, to Alex about upcoming trips and exhibitions I wanted to do and see. He was very curious about my work and picked my brain. I hated to say this, but I compared Alex to Gerard a lot; they were both different, despite the fact that they both are singers in punk bands.
Alex is very influential with art and always writing. He often sent me new art work that he discovered and wanted to hear my opinion on it. It was refreshing and new and fun; it was like he was wanting to know me.
Gerard loves to draw, and it very quiet about his ideas. He loves feedback, but only when he wants it. Gerard doesn't ask me about my interest or my ideas about art. He compliments me, but that was pretty much it.
Astrid liked that I was getting closer to Alex, because she knew how much I missed the west coast. I loved the starving artist, the grittiness of the motivation and the people with no regard to authority. It was a freedom. Something I craved everyday.
As the weeks went on, I didn't talk to Gerard, and my need to start a family, to have babies, slipped from my grasp. I still want kids, it just, I rather paint and take pictures and sculpt than have a baby with someone who doesn't want kids. I knew that my and Gerard's marriage wouldn't last through this, and I was slowly becoming OK with it; he was selfish and I was tired of throwing my needs out the window for him. It hurt, believe me, I wanted to be with Gerard more than anything, but I couldn't take the constant tossing of my dreams. I wouldn't change my world anymore than I already had.
Mrs. Way didn't like the fact that I had told her that I planned the sign the papers when Gerard got back. She didn't want us to divorce, to part, but she understood, and she hated it. I begged her not to pester Gerard about it, because this was my decision and I made it on my own. I remember she had cried and told me that I was messing up the order of things, and I didn't understand it. I think, or feel, that she meant the way my father and her mother had wanted Gerard and I together; like it was destiny, but I never believed so.
*
When February arrived, I was preparing to leave to LA. I had wondered about the trip to France with Gerard. It ate at me when Alex had asked when I would be heading back. I didn't know what to say really, because it hit me that Gerard and the rest of the band were coming back home for 3 weeks, then off again. There tour schedule was hung up in Astrid's kitchen; she marked the days off to when she'd see Frank again.
I hadn't given it much thought, until Astrid called me. I picked up, "Sup?"
"I'm making dinner for Frankie tonight, and we're gonna do the alone thing."
"They're back?"
"Well, Frank said they'd be home in a few hours. I as giving you a heads up, just incase you and Gerard have any problems."
I groaned, "Well, geez."
"I'm sorry! We're trying to squeeze in as much alone time as possible; the tour and the baby is going to keep us busy."
I courses my hair, "It's fine, I don't expect you to watch me."
"Ignore him if there's a problem."
"Yeah, yeah."
I had hung up my phone and decided to paint to clear my head. I was so glad I had gone and bought some cigarettes before the rain started. Sylvester and I stayed in my "studio", while the rain poured and the music was up.
I had been out of it for a while, because when I finally came down to Earth, the electricity went out and my music had stopped.
"Shit!" I grumbled.
I grabbed my phone, using it as a light in the dim hall. There was a big crash of lightening, causing me to jump, then a large bang. "Goddammit!" I cursed at myself.
I went into the kitchen, that's where I saw a candle lit. My eyes went wide when I saw Gerard at the kitchen counter, smoking a cigarette.
"When the fuck did you get here?" I snapped at him.
"15 minutes ago. The power poles went down on the other side of town; I bought candles." He snubbed out his cigarette in the ashtray in front of him, "When did you start smoking?"
"College."
"Why are you smoking now?"
"Helps me clear my head." I put my phone in my pocket and turned to leave, but Gerard cleared his throat.
"We need to talk."
"Talk." I mumbled, turning.
"Did you sign the papers?"
I crossed my arms, "No, I was waiting for you to come home and give them to me."
He nodded, "Oh."
"Do you still have those tickets?" I asked.
"Yeah."
I didn't know what to say or do in this slight awkward situation.
"Frank told me about your new little boyfriend. Guess our trip is canceled? I mean, you do want to divorce me, right?" He brought his fingers to the flame of the candle, playing with it.
"This has nothing to do with my client. I work for him, he's paying me to help him with his projects." I glared at him, "I am not fucking him, unlike you, I'm faithful. And us separating has nothing to do with that, I'm sick of being a punching bag."
Gerard looked over at me, the flame gave him an eerie glow. I waited for him to go off at me, but he didn't. It took 2 minutes for him to respond.
"Mikey told me I should tell you the truth." He finally muttered, looking away.
"I don't wanna hear it. You waited this long to tell me, it isn't worth hearing." I turned my heel and left him there.
I went straight into my studio and sat on the floor. My head was hurting, I just wanted my mind to clear like before. Sylvester sat his head in my lap, but sat up once the door creaked open; it was like he knew Gerard was coming in.
"I need to tell you something." He stop at the threshold, two candles in his hand.
"What?" I asked softly.
"I need to tell you why." He stepped over to me, handing me a candle.
"Why what?"
He sat beside me, "Why I don't want kids...ever."
That phrase made my skin crawl. I knew what he had to say, but still, it made me sad. I wanted him to get over it, to understand that he could control himself.
"Why?"
"Mikey was talking to me about it. He said he hated that I was pushing you away for what happened in my past." Gerard set the candle on the table beside him, "I thought he was just being nosy, but then I thought about it, and I knew he was right."
"Gerard, you don't--"
He cut me off, "I have to. Just...let me tell you."
I nodded, looking at my feet. Gerard exhaled, coursing his hair nervously. He chewed at his lip and then looked at me sideways.
"Whatever I say here, stays here, understand?" He gave me a harden look.
"I understand." I mumbled meekly.
He opened his mouth, "Few years back...when I was in college, I had a girlfriend...fiancée, Justine. She and I were partiers, we loved to just fuck and get high, until she got pregnant and she quit partying...I didn't. She didn't love me, but she cared about me, and about our baby, that she moved into this small apartment off campus with me. We got jobs, saving up, y'know, to get baby things, and we didn't really have that much of an idea of what to do. We didn't tell our parents until..." he stopped, "Until, that night."
Again, he stopped and I stayed quiet. I was afraid to speak, afraid he'd stop or tell me off. I waited until he looked back at me, and he opened his mouth.
"I was so scared about school, graduating, getting a job. We didn't have a lot of money, and shit was expensive, and getting stoned was my way to escape. She hated that I still got high and then...she just got pissed and hit me." He stopped, licking his lips, "I was pissed, too, because she had been yelling and I was broke and tired and--" he coursed his hair again, "I just got up and lost control, Stormy. I pushed her." He looked at me, I could see he was ready to tear up.
"I...what happened next?" I asked quietly.
He sniffled, "She screamed at me, and then blood started to pour from between her legs and...I took her to the hospital, we lost the baby." He looked at me with tears brimming his eyes.
I swallowed thickly, scooting over to him and wrapping my arms around him. Gerard put his head on shoulder, wrapping his arms around my back. He let out a small sob, and squeezed me tightly.
"I'm sorry, Gerard." I murmured, "I can't imagine."
He didn't say anything, he just kissed my shoulder and held me. It felt as if he was holding me desperately, trying to cling to life. It was a relaxing, loving, needy feeling.
When he finally let me go, I moved away gently, and looked at him. He kept me on his lap, rubbing his eyes and then running his hands up and down my back. He kissed my lips once, and I kissed back.
"It's nothing against you." He mumbled, "I'll fuck up our kids. I'll hurt them, I'll hurt you."
I shook my head, "No you won't."
"Yes I will."
I stared at him in the dim light, feeling terribly sorry for him. The burden on his shoulders, of feeling as if he'd hurt someone close to him, wore on his shoulders. I saw the true Gerard in that moment; the caring person that he truly is, hidden by his anger -a desperate facade to keep me away from him.
"I promise you won't, Gerard. Why won't you believe me?" I whispered to him, not wanting to shout and pound this into his head.
"Because I've hurt so many people. I've fucked up, what makes me and you anymore different?" He tilted his head, placed it against my chest, holding me closer.
"I love you, I trust you. You infuriate me sometimes, but goddammit, I love you," my throat grew tight, "I'd do anything for you, Gee, I would do anything you ask me to."
He lifted his head, looking me in the eye, "Why?"
"Because, I'm stupid. Because I am in love with you. You hurt me...and I want to hurt you back, but I can't. You've done something to me that makes me turn a blind eye to what's right and what's wrong."
He searched my eyes, his darting, looking for something. Finally, he kissed me, feverishly, tipping us backwards onto the carpet. He was on top of me, kissing, gripping my hips and pressing my back deeper into the carpet. My hands flew into his hair, massaging his scalp, feeling at ease, some pure bliss of being with him.
He pulled from my lips, "I'm sorry."
"Apology accepted."
He exhaled, "I...I don't know if I trust myself yet...but I do want...one day, to have kids."
I smiled, "As long as you want to."
He nodded, "I think you're the only person I can imagine myself having kids with. When you told me you wanted a baby, I wondered about it, y'know, and that's the only way I'll have any; if you're carrying them."
My stomach knotted up with happiness, "I don't know what to say, Gee."
He leaned closer and kissed my lips, "Tell me you love me." He smiled.
"I love you."
♠ ♠ ♠
Back and forth...What do you think? Do you want it to last?
oh, and again, here I am shamelessly plugging another one of my stories --> All or Nothing (it's a Frank story, a rewrite that I wrote a year ago. It's my baby) the first chapter should be up later today, so check it out :)
love ya, thanks for reading!
xo ali