Arrangements

I stared at her, she had orange hair...like the fruit, and she was paler than I remembered, thinner, smaller, too. I just looked at her, seeing my baby sister, but in the body of a stranger. She didn't totally look like my Astrid.

"H-hey...Astrid. What're you...doing here?" I opened the door for her, she had a bag over her shoulder.

"I came home," she looked me up and down, "I heard through word of mouth that you were pregnant."

"Yeah, why didn't you call?" I closed the door, still staring.

"I was, but I couldn't bring myself to. How are you? Besides being pregnant." She came in for a hug, and I gladly returned it.

"I'm fine, how are you?" I let her go, "You look so...different." Even her tattoos looked different.

"I've been living how I wanted...it was rough, but fun." She smiled at me, "Where is everyone?"

I turned towards the kitchen, Gerard came in, his arms crossed, "Gee, it's...Astrid."

He nodded, walking over and dropping his arms, "Hey."

"Hi."

"Danny is with Frank for the night, and it was just us."

"I hope I didn't interrupt anything..." Astrid trailed.

"Uh..." I stammered lowly, "No, no. We were making cookies."

She smiled again, "Is it okay if I stay here? I'll be clean."

"You could, if you don't mind the couch," Gerard told her, "All the rooms are taken, unless you wanna sleep in Danny's race car bed."

Astrid nodded, "The couch is fine."

"I could get you an air mattress from Allie and Mikey. I know they have one--"

She stopped me, "No, it's fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am totally cool with the couch."

"Okay, great." I clasped my hands lightly, "Make yourself at home, I'm gonna go check the cookies."

Gerard followed me to the kitchen, again he leaned against the counter, "I don't like that she's here." He whispered.

"I know, but fuck, she's my sister. I'm not just going to tell her to go away." I spat quietly at him, "If it were Mikey, I would not question it."

His glare soften and he sighed, "Yeah, fine." He leaned up, "I'm gonna go...fuck with something downstairs." Gerard turned and walked away before I could say anymore.

His action hurt like hell.

Still, I swallowed it away, and went to the fridge, grabbing a water bottle for Astrid. I went to her, and sat beside her on the couch; she looked at me with tired, hazy eyes. 

I handed the bottled water to her, "Here." 

Astrid took it and gave me a weak smile, "Thanks."

"How did you find out where I live?"

She licked her lips, uncapping the bottle, "Allie told me. I called her, just to see if she was okay. She told me where you moved to."

"Why didn't you call me?"

She shrugged, taking a long swig, "I don't know. I was worried, I guess."

"Were you upset that I didn't tell you I'm pregnant?"

She shook her head, capping the bottle, "No. I mean, at first, yeah, I was, but I got over it."

"Are you gonna stay?"

"I dunno." She spoke lowly, "I'm afraid."

"Afraid of what?" I asked, just as low as her voice.

"Of love. I'm afraid I can't love my son enough," I could see the tears forming in her eyes, "There isn't a day that goes by that I don't dread the idea of coming back here and being a mom. I couldn't love Frank, what makes you think I could love Danny?"

I furrowed my brows, "He's your son, Astrid, your flesh and blood. And, you love him, you loved Frank."

She shook her head, "I can't love. I don't do love."

Those words hit me like a freight train. It was the same words Gerard had said to me. I don't do love; what the fuck does that mean.

"Why not? You cared enough to have this child, and you cared enough to marry Frank--"

She stopped me, "I jus did it for Danny. I did it so...so," she swallowed thickly, "he'll always have someone when I chose to leave."

I nearly rocketed out of my seat, "Are you kidding me?!" I shouted at her, "You planned to leave when you were pregnant?! Are you fucking mental, Astrid?!"

My boiling point with her had been reached.

She just looked at me, "Yes...and no."

I wanted to slap her, I really did.

"Holy fuck, Astrid, I can't believe you! If you never wanted to be a mother, why have him in the first place? I told you before, you had options!"

She shook her head, "I couldn't wonder what could have been."

"You planned to leave," I spoke slowly, so she understood how crazy she sounded, "you didn't want to be a mom."

"I thought the baby would change my perspective."

I held a breath and exhaled, "I...I think you're fucking crazy." I shook my head and walked back to the kitchen; I shut the oven off and leaned my palms against the counter.

I heard her come in, "I'm sorry, Stormy."

I looked at her, "Don't apologize to me, apologize to Danny and to Frank."

She nodded, "I will. After tomorrow, I'll be gone again."

After all that, I really didn't care. I didn't care what she did. I didn't care if she left and never came back. Danny doesn't deserve a mother like Astrid. Astrid doesn't deserve a son like Danny.

"I hope you find whatever the hell you're looking for." I walked away from her, "Goodnight."

I went on to my bedroom, and shut the door. The tears came without me noticing, I held my breath again and exhaled heavily. I then changed my clothes, absentmindedly, and crawled into bed. An hour later, I felt Gerard climb in beside me; I wasn't asleep, my mind was heavy with anger and thoughts. He didn't even stir beside me, and I wanted him to hold me.

I turned slowly, tapping his shoulder. Gerard had looked back at me, but I couldn't make out his express in the dark; "Hmm?" He mumbled.

"Will you...um...hold me?" I asked sheepishly.

Gerard didn't say anything, he just rolled over and faced me. His hands cupped my jaw and kissed me gently, then he wrapped his arms around me. My whole body seemed to relax, and I wrapped my arms around his neck.

"Thank you." I murmured.

Gerard hummed softly, "Anytime."


When I got up the next morning, Astrid and my cookies were gone. She had left a sorry, little piece of paper on my counter. All it was was "I'm sorry" in her scribbly handwriting. I folded it, placed it in the drawer in the kitchen and began making coffee for Gerard.

It seemed as if I were living in the end of a sad, sad book. Like my sister would never be seen or heard from again, except for that note. It all gave me anxiety and my heart thumped in my chest; I didn't want that.

Gerard came in, just in time, and put his hand on my shoulder. He kissed the top of my head, and I wiped away the tears building. He exhaled lowly, wanting to say what I had already read.

"It's okay." I told him before he could say it, "Don't say it."

He nodded and I began to sob. He took me in his arms and held me. He kissed me and told me I would be alright, but they didn't seem true. The words didn't seem real, the way he spoke...the words didn't make sense. My heart hurt, and all I wanted was to feel better.

I felt as if my sister had died.

I lost my parents and my sister in less than 3 years. 

It made my head spin.

It felt like I lost my world. My whole entire family, gone. I felt alone, even if I had Gerard, and this baby, I felt like I had no one. 

I even began to question my own existence. What the hell was I living for? I didn't have the need to go one, even if I was pregnant. I felt immobilized and lonely. I missed my family.


The depression spell I went through, made Gerard angry. A lot of times, he didn't want to be around me. I felt useless, and I was. I just sat around a lot, went to my appointments, and then watched TV. I didn't paint, I didn't talk...I barely took care of Danny.

My whole world had been flipped upside down.

I barely noticed that Gerard was gone a lot. He didn't come home. He didn't talk to me. And...I didn't care. I barely noticed.

When Thanksgiving came, Danny went with Frank, and I went to the Way's. Gerard was somewhere...I didn't know, I sat alone, on their couch, watching television. Allie came in and sat beside me, and she took my hand.

"What's going on?" She demanded softly.

"Nothing." I mumbled.

"There is something. Gerard has been at our place for the past week. He keeps trying to drink again, but Mikey won't let him. What the fuck is going on?"

I shrugged, "I don't know."

She groaned, "Stormy, come on. I'm your friend, you can tell me."

I looked at her, "I feel dead inside."

She furrowed her brows, "What do you mean? Is the baby alright?"

"Yes, he or she is okay. I just..." I felt the tears rush, "I feel like I lost everything." I told her.

Allie wrapped her arms around me, "Because of Astrid." She stated.

I nodded, "Yeah. She just left. She doesn't care. I lost apart of me, Allie."

She cooed to me, hugging me tightly, "I know, honey, I know. Don't cry, it'll be okay."

I shook my head, "No it won't. I lost my best friend," I pulled away, "I lost my parents, I lost my family. I feel...dead. I want to be dead."

She took my forearms, "No you don't. You need to live. You can't die, you're gonna have a baby."

I wiped my eyes, "I know."

"You have a wonderful husband who needs you, who loves you. Go to him, Storm."

I sighed, "Gerard...he must hate me."

She shook her head and patted my back, "He needs you, and he misses you."

"Where is he?"

"In his bedroom." She gave me another hug, "Tell him how you feel."

I stood slowly, nodding and walked towards the basement. I had a feeling that none of what I was gonna say would matter to Gerard. I expected the worse.