Hazard to Myself

The next morning, I get up to find Cam sleeping on my couch.
I slap him hard in his forehead. He flinches so violently that he falls off.
He looks up at me from the floor.
“You smell bad. Why are you sleeping my couch that smells good?”
He stares at me open mouthed.
“Speak, peasant!”
“Uh, where else was I supposed to sleep?”
“How about one of the other two rooms?”
The twins won’t like that,” Harley says coming out of the bathroom.
“Who cares? Dude, go shower. We don’t like the smell of trash here. Even the trash here is odorless. That’s what I need you to be: odorless trash.”
Harley looks at him. She knows I’m testing him although in actuality I honestly don’t like him.
“Okay.”
He gets up and heads toward the bathroom.
“There are towels and whatnot in there.”
“Okay.”
He disappears into the bathroom.
“I’m assuming you aren’t going to school today.”
“You assume right. I’m going to use the day to make him hate me.”
“What good will that do?”
“If he hates me, he’ll act against me and in doing so act against Don. He’ll be blackballed from this world. He may even become a target. I don’t really care. I just want him gone.
She follows me to the kitchen. I’m about to pull out a bottle of Patron but think better of it. I’ll have some once she’s gone.
“Harley, I’m leaving,” Mike calls through my front door.
She and Mike are going to school together.
“Are you coming back after school for the weekend?” I ask.
She looks embarrassed. “I may crash here for…awhile…if you don’t mind.”
“We’ll go get some of your stuff after school, if not all of it.”
“Okay,” she whispers.
Harley rarely feels awkward about anything. I’m one of few people who have ever seen it. But this is a subject she’s sore about.
“I’ll see you later.”
She leaves.
I love her more than anything. I hate that she’s in the situation she’s in. I’ve been trying to get her to move in with me for some time now. Between her alcoholic father and he abusive mother, there’s no place for her to thrive. I promised her that when we graduate we’ll move out to California so we could be closer to her dream of becoming a movie star. She has what it takes. I’ll make sure it happens like I’ll make sure the twins get to college on scholarships and Mike gets to Georgia.
I have yet to decide what I’ll do with my life. Or maybe my dream is to see them achieve theirs. That’s all I want.
Four shots of Patron later, Cam is walking out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist, steam rising up from his still smoldering skin and a glistening chest.
“Hmph.”
He goes to his bag.
“I don’t think so,” I hear myself slur. “You’ll wear a pair of Donte’s clothes because we’re going out and I don’t want you looking like crap with me.”
I go into my room and grab a pair of jeans, a navy blue t-shirt and a pair of gym shoes from my closet. I usually wouldn’t do this but Donte deserves it after last night.
When I turn around Cam is standing right behind me. I bump into him.
“Whoa.”
“Sorry,” he says.
“What are you-
“You look good from the other side. Anybody ever tell you that?”
“Donte.” I force the outfit into his arms. “Get the hell out of my room and don’t you ever come back in here again or you’ll pay dearly.”
“I won’t come back until you ask me.”
I narrow my eyes at him then smile smugly. “Get dressed. We’re going out.”
After we’re both clean and dressed, I have him drive me to The Circle. It’s never popping like it used to be but there are plenty of guys up there to get my point across. One of my favorite guys, Myles, is there. Now I know I’ll have my way.
We get out of the car. “You’re my bodyguard. Protect me.”
“You got it, boss lady.”
I give Myles an indistinct nod to set the plan in motion.
He approaches, “Can we help you?”
Some other guys gather around. They’d beat him up even if I wasn’t around. You just don’t approach this group without clearance.
“Yeah, I-
“I thought I told you-
“Well, I thought I-
Myles barrels down on me quickly but Cam jumps in front of me and pushes him.
“You’re getting a little too close there, buddy.”
“You don’t want this, kid.”
“No. You don’t want this. And you def don’t wanna mess with Donte’s girl.”
Oh, boy. He drops names. That’ll get you nowhere.
They all laugh at his declaration.
Myles suddenly stops. “Get him.”
His group descends on Cam. At first, he’s holding his own but he caves under the fists of six guys.
I give Myles a vague cue and he calls off his dogs.
I walk over to Cam. “You a baby.”
I get in my car and leave. They’ll either dump him somewhere or leave him there. Either way, I could care less.

I hit up a few schools at lunch and get some names and requests. I like to meet a name quota before I go on a run. A few more names and it’ll be time.
I’m almost home when Dig by Incubus starts blaring and vibrating against my hip.
“What’s up, Mike.”
“You might wanna get up here to the alley.”
“Hmm?”
“It turns out Alisha and some of hers didn’t like that we took in a new recruit.”
“Their fighting?”
“It’s not really fighting. More like a beating.”
“Why didn’t you call me sooner? Where’s Harley?”
“She’s gone. I haven’t seen her since lunch. And it just started so this is me calling you.”
“I’m on my way.”
Two minutes later, after breaking multiple traffic laws, I’m pulling into the alley where all the fights happen. Kids jump out of the way thinking I’m about to hit them. I slam on the breaks and get out of the car.
Alisha looks me square in the face as she punches Catt in the face. I flip my keys around my knuckles and punch her in the nose.
“Get her out of here,” I tell Mike as I put my body between Catt and Alisha.
That punch slowed her down but she’s ready to go again. We’ve done this a million times and I’m in the lead.
“Why’d you have to go and do that?” I ask. I am pissed. Cat didn’t deserve that.
She lunges at me. Her nose is broken, pouring blood. I step aside and kick her in the butt. She falls forward and I commence to kick the crap out of her. Her little harpies don’t think about interfering.
“You’re beneath me and the beating I just gave you, scum.”
I get back in my car and make my way to where I know Harley is. That pisses me off even more.
I park outside this place called The Sweet Shop. It’s just a front. They hide in the back of the store behind closed doors. When I go in, all I see are kids everywhere. They’re fresh out of school and about to get high on Laffy Taffys, Twizzlers, Air Heads and all kinds of other nonsense that isn’t good for their teeth.
I bust through the door in the back. They all look up.
“Come to apologize?” Donte asks walking towards me.
“Naw. I just came to pick someone up,” I announce looking right at Harley who’s on the lap of Vante whom I can’t stand.
The room is vast and empty except for chairs to accommodate everyone and a large television.
“I don’t think she’s ready to go just yet. We were gonna go have some alone time,” Vante says.
“The hell you are. Harley, lets go.”
She looks at me and it kills me. She’s in one of her moods and I know because I go through those, too. When you just feel like the lowest of the low. You feel like nothing and you’d do anything to feel something; anything for that feeling to go away. I run to Jeff. She runs to Vante. They don’t want to talk. They just want what they want and fortunately for you, at that moment, you want that, too.
“Harley, please,” I beg.
“She’s not going anywhere,” he states running his hand up her skirt.
I start making my way toward him but Donte gets in my way.
“Hey, hey, hey. Whoa.”
“Move.”
“This won’t stop her from coming here.”
“Then you better kill him before I do.”
“Vante’s one of my best.”
“And Harley’s one of mine,” I say with force. “You know what she means to me. I won’t let him use her vulnerability against her.”
“Like you let Jeff?”
He looks pained. He pretends to not care about what I’m doing and who I’m doing it with but he cares strongly. He’s had guys jumped for even thinking they even had a chance with me. I don’t know how many times he’s had Jeff jumped. He stopped telling me.
“This isn’t about us right now.”
“It never is.”
“If you wanna talk about this, come by later.”
“So you can do everything to avoid actually talking about anything? Including throwing yourself at me?”
“It works, doesn’t it? You’ve never turned me down.”
“What nigga could?” He eye’s me. “When are you going to take me, us, seriously?”
“You wanna get serious? As in us? A couple?” I chuckle.
He nods.
“You keep Vante away from-
“Now you know I can’t do that. Harley’s a big girl. She has her own mind.”
I sigh. “Make him let her go and we’ll talk tonight if you come by.”
“Oh, I’ll be there.”
I roll my eyes because I walked right into this. He’s usually pretty busy. I’m hoping he’s so busy he won’t have the time.
“Vante.”
“I’ll see you later,” he says to Harley.
“Over my dead body you will.”
“That can be arranged.”
“Hey! Vante, that’s enough. Don’t ever-
“My bad, man. Don’t worry.”
“I won’t.”
Harley and I leave. Neither Donte nor I bother to utter any goodbyes. I don’t because I’m pissed. He doesn’t because he’s so sure he’ll see me tonight. Whatever.
It’s silent on the ride back to my place. She knows it would not be a good idea to speak to me right now. When we finally get there, Mike is sitting next to Catt who’s laid out sleep on my couch.
“Grace-
“Just get out of my face.”
She looks at me a second longer then walks away in the direction of her room.
“How is she?” I inquire of Mike.
“She’s okay. A little banged up as you can see but we watched a movie and I made her laugh a bunch of times. I think she was just happy knowing you accepted her and came to her rescue like she was one of yours. She crashed after that.”
“She is one of mine,” I say only semi-interested.
He looks at me sideways. “Alright, I’ll bite. What happened?”
“I found her at The Sweet Shop. Vante is the scum of the earth and I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
He shrugs.
“Where’s the new boy?”
“I took him to see Myles.”
“Grace-
“Don’t worry. He’s not dead. He knows when to stop.”
“Are you sure? Myles has the tendency to push the limit.”
“So does that boy. But he learned today.”
“You hope.”
“Yeah. That he doesn’t come back.”
He shakes his head. “What’s on the agenda for this weekend?”
“I don’t know. I know I have to go to Harley’s to get her stuff. Maybe a party where I’ll get amnesia drunk.”
“Well-
“You’re not invited. Parties are too unpredictable.”
“My thoughts exactly.”
“Don won’t let me go to a party without him. And regardless of how you feel about him you know-
“He’d never let anything happen to you.”
I smile at how disappointed he looks that Don is so invested in me.
“I’m ready to crash,” he says.
“Go crash then. I’m going to need you when I go to Harley’s. They aren’t going to let her go without a fight.”
He stands, looks at Catt then back at me.
“Goodnight, Grace.”
“Night, Mike.”
He leaves and locks the door behind him.
I take a shower to get the day off of me. The clock says 6:30 when I retire to my room. I bust out the PS3 and play Call of Duty online for an hour. Then my cousin in New York logs on and we destroy a bunch of imaginary stuff and some other online teams. She’s into cars and hurting people. We both dabble in crime. We’ve been trying to get our cousin in California to play with us but she’s more of a bookworm. Nothing is more important to her than school.
Now that I think about it, we made a pact a few years back to get into the same college. I’m superstitious about that kind of stuff. Looks like I’ll be in school next week.

“Grace.”
…
“Grace.”
I hear a faint moan escape my closed mouth.
“I’m here.”
I feel a body against my back, socks entwined with my bare feet, jeans against my legs, and a shirt against my back.
“What?” I groan this time, still confused.
“You promised me a talk.”
I don’t like being woken up. My head’s clearing enough to know it’s Don.
“I meant ‘tonight’ as in eight o’clock. Not ‘tonight’ as in midnight.”
I turn around to face him and he plants one on my lips. He tastes so good. I wrap my arms around his neck. He pulls my hips closer. I’m suddenly really glad I decided to wear boy shorts (his favorite) and a sports bra.
I unbutton his jeans and he’s following along, hands tugging at my underwear. I’m just about to reach into his boxers when he pulls away and gets out of the bed.
“What? What happened?”
“You’re doing it again.”
“Doing what?”
“Throwing yourself at me so we can’t talk. You knew I would come. You know I like boy shorts. Stop trying to have sex with me, Grace.”
I laugh under my breath and he joins me.
He sits on the edge of the bed. I crawl over to him and get into his lap. I take his face in my hands and kiss him the way I know he likes.
“Grace-
“You started it. You can’t just leave me like this now.”
He shakes his head. I tug at his shirt then he grabs both my hands and looks me in the eyes.
“I came to talk.”
“You sound like a girl. Look at us. It’s late. I’m standing in front of you practically begging for you to ravage my body and you’re telling me ‘no’?”
“Because I respect you.”
“I know who wouldn’t say ‘no’.”
“Jeff is trash. Why do you give him the satisfaction?”
“Because he won’t turn me down.”
“But doesn’t the fact that I do show you how much I love you? Tell me the truth. Do you love me back?”
I get up suddenly feeling exposed instead of sexy.
“It’s a simple yes or no, Grace.”
“No, it’s not. How can you be this big bad drug lord when you’re sittin’ here asking me about love and commitment?”
“We’re not all the same. Don’t categorize me. I’m bad when I need to be. I don’t need to be bad with you and vice versa. You’ve been so guarded with me lately. It seems like whenever you see me I have the word ‘Sex’ stamped on my forehead.”
“Maybe it’s because I think you’re sexy.”
“Grace, when did you get this sex crazy? Are you feeling insecure?”
“What?”
“You shouldn’t. If you knew half-the things guys say about you when they think I’m not listening or they think I’m not around. You’re gorgeous and everybody wants you.”
“I’m not feeling insecure, Don.”
“Then what is it? Why are you over there and I’m over here?”
He stands and walks over to me. He reaches out.
“Don’t touch me.”
“Why is it not simple? Do you love me or not?”
“It’s not simple because I don’t love much or anyone anymore. I don’t just throw that word out.”
“And you think I do? Do you know how long it took me to tell you? You can’t understand how long I felt that way before I finally got the nerve to tell you. If I was brave enough to tell you then why can’t you extend the same courtesy to me?”
“And you’re just so sure. How about this? I don’t love you. Not at all.”
“Now you’re just being a jerk.”
I roll my eyes and throw my arms up.
“I can’t win or lose this argument.”
“I just want the truth. Not one of your cynical replies.”
I sigh and shake my head.
“I don’t even get why you don’t understand. With everything that’s happened with my parents and my brother how can you ask me such stupid questions?”
“I don’t think they’re that stupid when you love Harley, and the Twins, and Mike so much. What’s the difference between loving them and loving me?”
“Because I’m looking out for them. I run this operation. I make sure everything goes as planned. I make sure they don’t get left behind. I’m the one making sure they make it out of this neighborhood. I don’t run you. You’re looking out for me even when I’m not. You’re protecting me from things I didn’t even know were a threat. You love me when I don’t deserve it.
“Know who else did those things? My parents. They’re gone. Dead. Know who else did those things? My brother. He abandoned me. Do you see the pattern? When I’m the object of anyone’s affection, I lose them in one way or another. Don…I can’t…you’re-
“Yeah?”
I feel the tears coming. My throat’s closing up. I hear the sob.
“God. Don’t you dare,” I warn myself.
“If you need to cry, Grace-
“I can’t lose you!”
The tears have arrived. I’m a mess. He’s just watching me. I’m grateful for one thing. There’s no pity in his eyes; only sympathy.
“I need a drink.”
He leaves then comes back with a glass of vodka, straight.
I chug it, ignoring the burn
He’s waiting, unsure of what’ll happen next.
I put the glass down and walk over to him. I grab the sides of his shirt.
“I love you.”
“I love you,” he replies.