Sweet Ransom

These walls were something I had grown to hate. Every day, the same ceiling stares down at me judging every choice I have ever made. It had been one month since I was first dragged here. One month of horror, pain and recovery. I was chucked into this rehab centre like I was a complete nutcase. Along with being a recovering drug addict and my other problem I was one big bundle of mess. I couldn’t stand it here but I’m mending gradually and if I wasn’t in here I don’t know how I would have survived.

I rolled over to face the white wall in front of me. I stared endlessly at the tiny individual details that where splattered over the wall. I closed my eyes and traced over the cool surface with my fingertip; the harsh texture rolled against my skin. I raised my hand from the wall and placed my now cold fingertips to the bridge of my nose. Slowly and softly I feathered my finger downwards and rolled it over my lips. The cool touch and the absolute silence settled my body; I slowed my breathing and readjusted my head on the uncomfortable pillow below me.

A sudden jolt of pain ignited my frozen body. I couldn’t see anything, I was in darkness again. I heard a singular thump and then another soon after it. The thumping continued, I realised it was my heart. I wasn’t dead, although I didn’t know if I was alive either. My heart was beating a heavy tune sending its echo throughout my body.

Unintentionally I felt my head twitch; I sensed movement. I tried it repeatedly and it worked. I focused my energy on moving my toes; they moved with my command. I forced my eyes to edge open, the light shocked them instantly but I recovered and pushed on. My eyes didn’t open as wide as I remembered. It was like there were little pillows on my eyelids stopping them from fully opening.

I sucked in a deep heaved breath; the fresh clean air swooped down my airway. I held my breath for a moment before exhaling deeply. I looked down in amazement as I wiggled my fingers, I brang my hand up to touch my face.

Every aspect of my face felt enlarged and tender, although it didn’t really hurt. I realised that my enlarged features were the results of Derek’s ruthful acts. I recognised I was in a hospital which led to my assumption that I was so dosed up on medication that I couldn’t feel my own agony.

I looked over to my right and smiled seeing my beautiful mother. She sat asleep in the arm chair beside my bed; an open book in her hands. Her hair was dripping over her face as she curled up tightly; she looked like a mess. There were huge dark bags that hung low underneath her eyes, her hair was mattered and her face was a cruel shade of white. She was wearing a light peach sweater and a pair of dark wash jeans. Her shoes were placed neatly by one side of the chair in perfect line. My mother was beautiful even in the state of mess she was in and all I was, was a complete disaster. A gasp on the other side of the room caught my undeniable attention.

“Sarah! You’re awake!” My father yelled.

My heart stopped. I screamed in fear and ripped the bed covers over my head. I wanted him to leave, he needed to leave. I started to panic, breathing heavy short breaths.

“Sarah what’s wrong?” his filthy voice asked. I heard his voice get closer and closer I wanted to curl up into a ball and hide away from all humanity.

“Go away!” I screeched “Just leave!”

I started to cry out of pure fear; I needed to get out of here. The walls were closing in on me, he was closing in. I needed out, now!

There were soft mummers that filled my ears before a comforting silence echoed through the room.

“Sarah…” a calming female voice cooed “Sarah, its mum, your father is gone”

I slowly pealed the bed sheets away from me; I glanced around cautiously looking for any signs of men. A heavy weight shifted off my shoulders seeing no sign of the filth that surrounded me previously.

“Mum…” I whimpered pathetically.

“It’s okay sweetly, I’m here now” she wrapped her arms around me softly.

“H-he c-can’t come ba-ck” I stuttered.

“But honey, his your father. What did he do to upset you so badly?”

“His bad – there all bad”

After a week in hospital tending to my broken and fractured ribs, my broken nose, my multiple severe cuts and bruises and my concussion from all of Derek’s inhumane acts I was released from hospital. I spent a week at home with my mother, she assured me that he wouldn’t be there. I didn’t know where my father went, nor did I care as long as he was far, far away. It felt nice being home again, I hadn’t been home before everything that happened for around a month or two because I was always running around being a drug addict whore.

I made a stupid mistake taking drugs for the first time, I made a mistake when I began to deal drugs and I made a huge fucking mistake when I tried to steal and lie to Derek. It was a huge mistake that I thought I could lie to Derek and say that someone did a runner with the drugs before they paid up. I used to go to a bar and pay random guys to punch me so it would look like someone jumped me for the drugs when in reality I would keep them for myself. I am a pathetic person in that sense along with many other ways, I purposely put myself in physical danger just to try and out mind someone else.

I was caught by Derek because one of the guys I frequently asked to punch me somehow new Derek and new his “line of work”. He began to grow suspicious when at least once a month I would go into the bar, pay this guy to hit me out in the back alley and then casually stroll away after I had masked the pain. He said to Derek that he had seen me working around town before selling his products and he was extremely curious into why I was faking getting bashed.

Derek obviously didn’t take nicely to the situation and my lies. He was already high as a fucking kite so his anger levels where much higher than usual and due to the drugs flowing through his system he had much more confidence than I ever would have expected from him. Derek was never caught by the cops, my parents didn’t even bother filing a police report because they said that they knew that the money was worth my freedom and they didn’t want to take any more chances which would evidently result in losing me completely.

During the week I stayed here I told mum about everything, everything about the drugs, about the lying, about the stealing about everything. At first, to say she was disappointed would be an understatement. She bursted into a extreme fit of sobs and tears, her breath hitched in her throat as she struggled to breathe through her sobs. I tried to comfort her by rubbing her back but she shrugged my hand off in one swift shake. She always prided herself on raising a nice, clean cut family. That whole perception was held intact until I began high school and my interests in life feathered to other than just a pure existence to please my mother and to keep up with society’s standards.

I started to listen to music that she didn’t accept, buying clothes that she didn’t like, piercing my body which she hated and just basically doing anything I could to rebel against her. It was like that was my main purpose, to rebel and hurt my mother and father. I don’t know why I did it, I just didn’t want to be normal and perfect anymore. She watched on helplessly as I transformed into a monster she didn’t know or want to call her own. Every night for multiple nights I heard her muffled sobs echo though the house. I ignored them each night, turning my “unsuitable” music up to a level where I was no longer tormented by the sound.

Mum finally came to terms with my past, she admitted to me that she was saddened, frustrated, upset, every emotion to describe her pain flowed out but she forgave me. Her forgiveness didn’t come easy though, i had a price to pay. That’s when I was sent here after one week of living at home and making my mother cry her poor heart out like the usual fuck up I am.

Due to my traumatic experience with Derek, I developed a fear of men. I couldn’t even bare the sight of my own father in the beginning. The rehab facility I’m staying at has helped me get clean; it has been almost 5 weeks since my last hit. My next hurdle is to concur my fear, I hate seeing the tragic look on my father’s face when I yell and scream when he gets too close. He can only be in a room with me if my mother is in there as well and he is on the opposite side of the room; I struggle to even look at him some days.

“Good morning Sarah, how are we today?” My regular nurse/caregiver Judy walked into my room.

“I’m okay” I said softly.

“Today is going to be a little different, after breakfast we are going to try something new. Someone is here to talk to you”

“W-what do you mean? Who is it? It’s not one of them is it?” I asked in short, fast spurts of words; a wave of fear travelled over me especially when I saw Judy hesitate.

“You’ll find out soon, just eat your breakfast and everything will be explained soon” she handed me my plate of food and walked out swiftly.

I had to eat my breakfast in my room as in the cafeteria where the other patients of the rehab centre ate there 3 daily meals weren’t all female. I couldn’t go out there. My breakfast didn’t last long, soon I had demolished the whole thing. As soon as I took my last bite, I started to regret eating so quickly.

On one side of my room there was a glass panel, one of those ones you see in the movies. It meant that people could see in, but I couldn’t see out. This was a necessity for me especially when I had male guests that if anything happened someone could come in and assist almost instantly.

“Now Sarah, just breathe. I have someone who wants to talk to you, okay?” Judy’s familiar voice explained.

I nodded and swallowed hard.

“Hi Sarah” my breath was hitched in my throat “I’m Max, I play bass in a band called Escape the Fate. I’m also a patient here, I had a drug problem but I’m clean now – have been for a few good months”

“G-go away!” I choked out.

“I’m here to help you Sarah, I promise I won’t hurt you”

“You will, you all will” I yelled.

“I want to help you get over your fear, Judy has told me about you and I’m intrigued into helping you. Please I just want to help you recover and get out of here, isn’t that what you want?”

“Fuck off” I said bitterly “You don’t care about me” I started to breath short and heavily.

I smashed my face into the one pillow that lay on my bed; I scuffled the sides of the pillow up against my ears in hope to block out his putrid voice. He was lying, they always lie. He doesn’t want to help me, he wants to hurt me. There all bad. There ALL bad.

"Please Sarah, just breathe and we can talk”

“GO AWAY!” I screamed sitting up and grabbed the tray which was used to carry my breakfast. I threw it at the glass in fury and watched the plate and bowel shatter into a million pieces.

I started having a panic attack, I could feel my breath getting shorter and shorter. My anxiety levels were spiralling out of control, I was shaking uncontrollably. I heard my heart race at an unbelievable pace. My eyes were fluttering as I saw glimpses of medics rushing in, I felt something slip into my arms. Everything began to slow down, everything began to blur…