This Is Ourselves Under Pressure
Can We Dim the Sun and Wonder Where We've Been?
GERARD'S P.O.V.:
Bert's arms were wrapped securely around my waist the next morning. I peered over at the clock; 12:02pm. I remembered the band practice I had scheduled for 12:30. I wiggled gently out of Bert's grasp, falling to the floor beside the bed with a small thump. Bert's eyes fluttered open. "What are you doing?" he frowned. "I have band practice in half an hour. Sorry." His frown deepened. His eyes searched for his shorts and he spotted them by the bathroom door. As he was pulling them on, he ran into the bathroom and started to pee. By the time he came back out, I was fully dressed and my hair was brushed, his on the other hand, looked like a birds nest. A brush was definitely something Bert McCracken had decided he did not need. He looked at me through the mirror and I smiled at him. His smile was the only thing on this whole planet that could melt my heart in a second. “Well, I think I’m ready,” I said with a sigh, pretending to look over myself again in the mirror. He kissed my cheek from behind me as I left.
Ray, the responsible one, had made reservations to reserve the smallest dining room in the hotel for our short one hour practice. I felt as though we needed a longer practice session considering we hadn’t practiced since before Warped Tour, but that’s all we could have.
The hour went by fast and it all went well. We were confident and we thought we were ready to play tonight. Sometimes I think our band is over-confident, but that’s alright. Look at where it’s gotten us!
Brian and Mikey loaded all of the equipment into our van. Mikey never got out, I think he was drinking it up in the van. Or drinking it down. Who knows, Mikey was nervous as hell, though.
I had decided to ride in The Used’s ‘Sober Bus’ with Bert and Jepha. Jepha was driving and Bert and I were sitting on his bunk. His head was laid gently on my chest. He was huddled in my lap, curled into a large ball. In the dark lighting, his form blended with mine, making us one. I kissed the top of his head, lightly. Being one with Bert was something I’d wanted since the first time he kissed me, even if we were just joking around.
“Bert?” I whispered quietly, remembering Jepha was a few feet away.
“Hmm?” He didn’t look up at me; his eyes were shut.
I leaned over slightly and whispered in his ear, “I love you.”
His eyes flew open but he didn’t move, in fact, his body stiffened. I think I had stepped over the line. The very fine, dark, italic, underlined and bolded line we had drawn when we had met. This line had rules; very specific, strict rules. And the ‘L’ word was at the very top of the list. We had decided against the use of it because it indicated a serious relationship and we weren’t ready for that. Or at least Bert wasn’t. I was ready for anything he threw at me. Even marriage if our foul shit of a president wasn’t the most incredibly homophobic person on the planet. But the ‘L’ word was completely forbidden.
Still at this point, he hadn’t said anything.
Bert’s shaking hand wound its way up my arm and to my cheek. He pulled himself up and closer to me. His breath was hot and sweet on my neck. His breathing was unsteady and hard for a moment, and then he whispered softly in my ear, “I love you, too, Gerard.” His voice was still uneven and nervous but his breath was like heaven on my neck.
Some minutes later, the van stopped and Jepha came to the back; “We’re here.” We stepped out of the van only to be surrounded by screaming, adoring, quite loud fans. We hid our faces and ran for the arena.
The rest of My Chem and The Used were already there, I guess we were just late. Brian was lecturing us and wishing us good luck, shooing away fans and magazine photographers, you know, doing what managers do.
The lights went out and Mikey, Frank, Ray and Bob took their places silently on stage. The soft tune of “Interlude” began to play; the lights undimmed and I walked out, slowly, cautiously, not looking up.
Since we’ve talked to her now… Come angels of the Lord… Come angels of the Lord…
An hour and fifteen minutes later, The Used was ready to play. And the smile that Bert gave me as he walked past me on the stage… All the kisses and ‘I love yous’ in the world couldn’t make up for that smile. Not even one.
Seemed to stop my breath. My head on your chest, waiting to cave in. From the bottom of my…
Hear your voice again. Can we dim the sun and wonder where we’ve been? Maybe you and me…
So kiss me like you did—my heart stopped beating… Such a softer sin…
Bert's arms were wrapped securely around my waist the next morning. I peered over at the clock; 12:02pm. I remembered the band practice I had scheduled for 12:30. I wiggled gently out of Bert's grasp, falling to the floor beside the bed with a small thump. Bert's eyes fluttered open. "What are you doing?" he frowned. "I have band practice in half an hour. Sorry." His frown deepened. His eyes searched for his shorts and he spotted them by the bathroom door. As he was pulling them on, he ran into the bathroom and started to pee. By the time he came back out, I was fully dressed and my hair was brushed, his on the other hand, looked like a birds nest. A brush was definitely something Bert McCracken had decided he did not need. He looked at me through the mirror and I smiled at him. His smile was the only thing on this whole planet that could melt my heart in a second. “Well, I think I’m ready,” I said with a sigh, pretending to look over myself again in the mirror. He kissed my cheek from behind me as I left.
Ray, the responsible one, had made reservations to reserve the smallest dining room in the hotel for our short one hour practice. I felt as though we needed a longer practice session considering we hadn’t practiced since before Warped Tour, but that’s all we could have.
The hour went by fast and it all went well. We were confident and we thought we were ready to play tonight. Sometimes I think our band is over-confident, but that’s alright. Look at where it’s gotten us!
Brian and Mikey loaded all of the equipment into our van. Mikey never got out, I think he was drinking it up in the van. Or drinking it down. Who knows, Mikey was nervous as hell, though.
I had decided to ride in The Used’s ‘Sober Bus’ with Bert and Jepha. Jepha was driving and Bert and I were sitting on his bunk. His head was laid gently on my chest. He was huddled in my lap, curled into a large ball. In the dark lighting, his form blended with mine, making us one. I kissed the top of his head, lightly. Being one with Bert was something I’d wanted since the first time he kissed me, even if we were just joking around.
“Bert?” I whispered quietly, remembering Jepha was a few feet away.
“Hmm?” He didn’t look up at me; his eyes were shut.
I leaned over slightly and whispered in his ear, “I love you.”
His eyes flew open but he didn’t move, in fact, his body stiffened. I think I had stepped over the line. The very fine, dark, italic, underlined and bolded line we had drawn when we had met. This line had rules; very specific, strict rules. And the ‘L’ word was at the very top of the list. We had decided against the use of it because it indicated a serious relationship and we weren’t ready for that. Or at least Bert wasn’t. I was ready for anything he threw at me. Even marriage if our foul shit of a president wasn’t the most incredibly homophobic person on the planet. But the ‘L’ word was completely forbidden.
Still at this point, he hadn’t said anything.
Bert’s shaking hand wound its way up my arm and to my cheek. He pulled himself up and closer to me. His breath was hot and sweet on my neck. His breathing was unsteady and hard for a moment, and then he whispered softly in my ear, “I love you, too, Gerard.” His voice was still uneven and nervous but his breath was like heaven on my neck.
Some minutes later, the van stopped and Jepha came to the back; “We’re here.” We stepped out of the van only to be surrounded by screaming, adoring, quite loud fans. We hid our faces and ran for the arena.
The rest of My Chem and The Used were already there, I guess we were just late. Brian was lecturing us and wishing us good luck, shooing away fans and magazine photographers, you know, doing what managers do.
The lights went out and Mikey, Frank, Ray and Bob took their places silently on stage. The soft tune of “Interlude” began to play; the lights undimmed and I walked out, slowly, cautiously, not looking up.
Since we’ve talked to her now… Come angels of the Lord… Come angels of the Lord…
An hour and fifteen minutes later, The Used was ready to play. And the smile that Bert gave me as he walked past me on the stage… All the kisses and ‘I love yous’ in the world couldn’t make up for that smile. Not even one.
Seemed to stop my breath. My head on your chest, waiting to cave in. From the bottom of my…
Hear your voice again. Can we dim the sun and wonder where we’ve been? Maybe you and me…
So kiss me like you did—my heart stopped beating… Such a softer sin…