My Way Home Is Through You

A gentle nudging woke me up.
“Leeme alone.”
“Kaytlin’s on the phone.”
“I don’t wanna talk.:
“Umm…can you hold on a sec?” I heard Mikey put down the phone. “maybe you should tell her now.”
“Too early.”
“It’s 2:30. In the afternoon.”
“I don’t wanna…”
“Well, at least say something to her.” I held out my hand and Mikey placed his phone in it.
“Hey Kaytlin. I’m really tired, so I’ll talk to you later. Bye.” I quickly hung up before she had a chance to respond. Closing my eyes again, I let the phone fall to the floor. I heard footsteps approach my bed.
“Gerard, that faggot’s here to see you.” I jumped up, suddenly wide awake. I quickly pulled on the same pair of jeans I’d worn the day before.
“Don’t call him that, Matt.” I brushed past him and headed out the door. Bert was standing outside waiting for me.
“Morning, Princess.” I giggled.
“Morning.” Bert’s long, black hair hung in his face. I tucked it behind his ears. “You should wear it like this.”
“Why?”
“Otherwise, I can’t see your face.” I wrapped my arms around him, then started to kiss him. He put his hands on either side of my face and held me back.
“Did you break up with her yet?” I sighed.
“No.”
“Then you know we can’t do this.” I noticed he kept his hands on my face.
“Woah! Hands off my man!” Bert’s hands dropped. We both turned to see a girl standing several feet away from us. She was short and had long, purple hair. Bert slipped his arm around my waist.
“Umm…excuse me, but I believe he’s my man.” She smiled and raised her eyebrows.
“Oh is he?” Bert nodded.
“Yep. As soon as he dumps his girlfriend.” I winced.
“Okay. Kaytlin, this is Bert. Bert, this is Kaytlin. My girlfriend.”
“Oh! Oh…I thought…I mean…I just…” He bit his lip to stop himself from saying anything else. I took Kaytlin by the hand and led her away from Bert.
“Let’s go talk over here. Sorry about him. He’s uh…drunk.” Kaytlin smiled.
“No. It’s fine. As long as he didn’t mean what he said about you breaking up with me.”
“Uhh…no. Like I said, he’s just drunk.”
“Good. That’s the one that kissed you, right?”
“Yeah…what are you doing here?”
“It’s an early birthday present. Do you like it?”
“Fuck yeah. It’s…great.” I forced a smile.
“Good. I thought you would.” She kissed me. “So, why’ve you been acting so weird?”
“I’ve uh, I’ve just been stressed I guess.”
“Because of Bert?”
“No.” Kaytlin didn’t look convinced.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“Positive?”
“YES, KAYTLIN! I’M FUCKING SURE!” I turned and stormed back to the van. As I neared the door, I heard someone behind me. I turned around, praying I wouldn’t see Kaytlin. It was Bert.
“I heard you yelling. Did you break up with her?” I opened the door and stepped inside. Bert followed.
“No. We just had a little argument.”
“Damn.” We both headed to the lounge area and sat on the couch in unison. We were silent for several minutes. Then, I felt Bert’s hand on top of mine. “Gerard?” I looked at him. “I really like you. How long are you gonna make me wait for you?” I turned my hand over so that our palms were touching and squeezed his hand.
“I’m sorry. I suck at confrontation. I’ll try to do it while she’s here.” We sat for several more minutes. Not talking, not kissing. Just enjoying each other’s company. Kaytlin’s voice broke the silence.
“Do all tour buses smell like this?” I quickly let go of Bert’s hand.
“Like what?”
“Like cigarettes and sweat…and balls.” Bert smirked.
“Yeah. Pretty much.”
“Wow…uh, Bert? Could you leave for a sec? I wanna talk to Gerard.”
“Yeah. Sure.” I watched him leave the room, then sit on my bed. There was enough shadow that Kaytlin couldn’t see him, but he was close enough to hear everything. I smiled at him. Kaytlin whipped her head around.
“Who are you smiling at?”
“Umm…you. I haven’t seen you in awhile. I forgot how beautiful you are.” She smiled.
“Aww…you’re so sweet. But I need to talk to you. You’ve been acting like an asshole lately. So I was thinking – ”
“Are you breaking up with me?” She looked surprised.
“No, Sweetie. Of course not. I would never do that. I was just thinking maybe you should drop out of the tour.”
“What?! You want me to just give all of this up?”
“No. I still want you to go. Just not right now.”
“What’s wrong with now?” Kaytlin sighed.
“I don’t want you touring with that…” She hesitated, as though trying to decide whether or not to finish her sentence. “…faggot.” I felt myself growing angry. I was sick of people calling Bert that.
“Don’t call him that. Since when do you have a problem with gay guys?”
“I don’t have a problem with gay guys. I have a problem with gay guys hitting on you.”
“Bert doesn’t hit on me!”
“Matt said he does.”
“So you’re gonna fucking believe Matt over me?” I saw Kaytlin beginning to get mad too.
“He fucking kissed you, Gerard!”
“Just once and he hasn’t done anything since then.”
“He had his arm around your waist, he called you his man, and he was holding your hand when I walked in here! I don’t want you touring with that fag!” I jumped up.
“I SAID DON’T FUCKING CALL HIM THAT!”
“Well he is! He’s a drunk, drug addicted, ugly ass fag!” Her statement shocked me. She never acted like this. She was usually so calm and laid back. I began to wonder what exactly Matt had told her.
“Shut up!”
“Why the hell do you care? He’s not even here!” Bert chose that moment to enter the room.
“Actually…” Me and Kaytlin both looked at him. In just those two days that I’d known him, I’d already learned that you could tell how he was feeling just by looking into his eyes. I saw slight anger, but mostly hurt.
“You little freak! You’ve been listening to us?!”
“Kaytlin! What the fuck has gotten into you?”
“What’s gotten into me?! He was listening in on us. Doesn’t that bother you?” She didn’t wait for me to answer. “I’m sorry, Gerard. I know I’m acting like a total bitch, but I hat that faggot!” That did it. I had never been that angry at someone. I strode over to Bert’s side.
“What the hell is wrong with you?! Okay, one, you don’t even fucking know him. And two, HE’S STANDING RIGHT HERE!”
“I don’t care. I want him to hear.”
“You’re a fucking bitch! You know what? We’re over.”
“What? Why? Because of what I said?”
“No. Well, I mean, that’s a little part of it…”
“Well I’m sorry…I’m pmsing.” I shook my head.
“Don’t use that bullshit on me, Kaytlin. You’re a horrible liar.”
“Well what’s the other reason?” It was a lot different than I’d imagined it. In my head, I’d seen her crying while I searched for the words to tell her that I was gay. I never expected this. Somehow, Kaytlin’s anger seemed to make this a hell of a lot easier.
“You wanna know the reason?” I grabbed Bert and held him close. He leaned forward, and our lips collided. It was a short kiss, but it was passionate.
“What?”
“What?!?!” The three of us turned to see Frankie staring at us with his mouth wide open. When the hell did he get in here? Suddenly, I felt a hand slap me across my face.
“What was that for?”
“You…you’re gay? And you never told me?”
“I’m sorry, Kaytlin.”
“Whatever, Gerard.” She started to leave, then yelled, “By the way, Bert. Your new boyfriend’s dick is fucking small!” I felt my face grow red. Bert and Frank's eyes slowly made their way down to my crotch area.
“That’s uh…that’s not true.” I hoped it wasn’t. I mean, I’d never actually seen another guy’s…thing before. Frank shook his head.
“Gerard, are you really gay?” I nodded. “And are you two…” I looked at Bert, who gave me a small smile, then nodded. Frank didn’t say anything which worried me.
“And listen. If that’s too weird for you, that’s fine. I’ll leave the band if you want me to. I’ll just…leave. I’ll – ”
“Gerard.” Frankie hugged me. “You’re my friend. Okay? And you will be no matter what.” I smiled.
“What about Ray?”
“He’ll be cool with it…Matt’s another story.”
“I know…”
“Hmm…well you’re just gonna have to keep this a secret until we can find a new drummer.” We stood around in awkward silence. At least, it was awkward for me. That probably had something to do with the little comment that Kaytlin had made before she left. Bert took my hand.
“Let’s go for a walk.”

Once outside, Bert led me to a small forest. I looked around for a trail. There was none.
“Be careful.” Said Bert, stepping over a root that jutted out of the ground. Although we started out together, within several minutes, he was far ahead of me, walking quickly and skillfully. I followed at a slower and more cautious pace. After a couple more minutes, I finally stumbled into a field of sorts. I looked around. It was beautiful. Lush, green grass grew with wildflowers scattered throughout. Bert sat in front of me. I joined him on the ground.
“Took you long enough.”
“How the hell did you go so fast?” Bert picked a flower and twirled it in his fingers.
“I used to come here a couple years ago. Last time we toured. I was pissed at Jepha one day, so I went for a walk through those woods and found this place. I came here a lot…everyday for about a month or so.”
“You were here that long? Why?” I watched Bert continue to play with the flower.
“Quinn accidentally overdosed. He was in a coma for a couple of days. The doctors didn’t even think he was gonna make it. We were all really worried. That’s why I was mad at Jepha. He kept trying to make me quit.” I was tempted to ask what he wanted him to quit, but decided against it to avoid seeming nosey. He stared into the distance for several minutes looking thoughtful. I put one arm around him. Bert smiled and placed the flower in my hair.
“So, Gerard. How old are you?” The randomness of the question surprised me.
“Uh…26.” He raised one eyebrow and looked me over.
“Really? You don’t look it. Ever drink?”
“Yeah. Sometimes.”
“Ever do drugs?”
“Uh…no.”
“Are you…open to doing them?”
“I never really thought about it…maybe.”
“Cool.”
“So, you didn’t quit then?”
“Nah. Couldn’t even if I wanted to. Drugs and alcohol are more than just a habit for me. They’ve become my life. They give me meaning. They make me feel…alive. I can’t imagine living without them. I don’t want to.” I sat in silence. The idea of becoming so attached to an object seemed ridiculous. “That doesn’t make you like me any less does it?”
“Nope.” Bert suddenly jumped up and began to run back the way we came. “Where are you going?”
“I wanna get something. Stay there.” It wasn’t long before he returned, clutching a small cigar box wrapped in several Ziplock bags. He sat next to me and began to slowly remove each bag. I counted as he did so. In the end, there ended up being twelve bags. I figured there was only one thing that Bert cared about enough to cover that well. As he removed the lid, I saw I was right. Three small, plastic bags sat inside. One contained a white powder. The other two were filled with something that resembled oregano. There were several small papers, half a straw, and a couple pills. He removed one of the bags of weed and a paper. I watched as he slowly and carefully poured a line across the paper, then rolled the whole thing up. He removed a lighter from his pocket and lit the joint. He smiled as he inhaled.
“So, you’ve never done this before?” I shook my head. “Okay.” He handed it to me. “It’s pretty much the same as a fag. Except you hold it in your lungs longer.” I brought it to my lips and inhaled deeply. “Good…exhale.” I did so, watching the smoke as it floated away. I gave him the joint.
“I feel the same.”
“Yeah. Most people do their first time. It’ll probably work next time…Can I braid your hair?”
“Sure…” Bert repositioned himself and began separating parts of my hair with his fingers.
“When’s your birthday?”
“April 9th.”
“And you’ll be…”
“Twenty seven.”
“Want another hit?”
“Will it work?”
“Probably not.”
“Then no.”
“Are you scared of Matt?” I hesitated.
“Not scared…”
“What’s the worst he’d do if he finds out?” I shook my head.
“I have no idea.”
“You fucked up my braid.”
“Sorry.” He continued to braid my hair.
“Do you have a ponytail holder?”
“Why would I have a ponytail holder?”
“I don’t know. Okay. We’re just gonna leave it like this then. It’ll probably fall out though.” He moved onto my lap. “Isn’t it pretty here?”
“Yeah.” Bert jumped up.
“Let’s go.” I got to my feet.
“Where?”
“I don’t know. Let’s just walk.” We wandered around for awhile. The whole place seemed as though it belonged in a movie. Bert slipped his hand into mine. “About your ex…”
“I’m so sorry about her. She’s normally not like that. Before she talked to me, she talked to Matt. I have no idea what the fuck he told her…”
“No. It’s fine. I’m used to it. Believe me. I was just wondering if you think she’s gonna keep in contact with Matt.”
“Doubt it. They never really talked all that much to begin with. Actually, I think it’s cause he has a crush on her.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. When it comes to girls, he flirts. A lot. He says he can’t help it. It just happens. He told me that he didn’t want to wreck our relationship. He would’ve felt really bad.”
“That’s…nice of him.”
“I told you he’s not that bad.” Bert suddenly began to spin around in circles. I laughed. “What the hell are you doing?”
“Spinning. Duh.” He spun around several more times, then fell on the ground. I knelt next to him. “I love that feeling. It’s like…the world is spinning without me. Like, earth is spinning, but I’m not allowed to move. It’s against the rules or something. Ya know?” I had no idea what he was talking about. I just smiled and kissed his forehead. He grabbed my shirt and pulled me on top of him, putting his tongue in my mouth as he did so. The make out lasted all of five minutes. I rolled off him and laid on the ground. We stayed silent for only several seconds. Bert suddenly sat up.
“Oh shit! My stash!” He got up and ran back towards the trees, tripping every few steps. I guessed the dizziness hadn’t completely worn off yet. I began running after him. I didn’t catch up until we were back at our starting point. Bert was wrapping the cigar box with its Ziplock bags.
“Why do you keep it out here anyway?”
“Actually,” Bert continued covering the box. “they’re leftover from last time I was here. I didn’t want Jepha to find them and throw them out.” He picked up a rubber band and wrapped it around the eleven bags covering the cigar box. “Hmm…could’ve used that for your braid.” He was talking more to himself than to me. He stood up and walked into the forest. I followed. Several feet in, I saw a small hole in the ground. Bert carefully placed the drugs in it, then covered them with dirt. He smoothed it over with his foot. I watched – slightly surprised – as he picked up a fairly large rock and placed it on top. He was pretty strong for such a skinny guy. He looked at me and grinned.
“For next time.”
“We gonna do the coke?” Bert laughed.
“Well, you’re an eager one…I wanna get you used to the weed first.”
“Aww…damn.” What the hell? I was disappointed that I had to wait until I got used to weed to do coke? I was never a druggie. I actually listened to those antidrug assemblies in high school. My second day with Bert, and I was ready to do anything that I was offered. What the fuck was he doing to me?