Dreams, I Have Dreams

Dreams, I have dreams,
When I'm awake, when I'm asleep,

I felt the man run his fingers through my messy black hair, his lips pressed tightly against mine. The cold of his lip ring sent shivers down my spine. I opened my mouth, granting his tounge access. Breaking the kiss, he ripped my shirt off, exposing my chest to the cool night air that blew through the open window of my beach house.

I closed my eyes with pleasure as his tongue swirled against my chest. He playfully tugged on my nipple with his teeth. I gasped for air, deep moans escaping my throat. His hands travelled down my tattooed arms with smooth precision and latched onto the top of my jeans. I moaned, knowing what was coming next. He expertly unbuttoned my pants and pushed me flat onto the bed, in his urge to rip them from me.

My eyes still closed, I heard my jeans hit the floor, my boxers were the next to go. His hand reached for me, stroking up and down my already hard length. I heard him chuckle. A very familiar chuckle, but in the midst of passion I couldn't place it. I felt his warm breath against the tip of me. I opened my eyes and looked down. He raised his head, and his hazel eyes filled with lust, met my own.

I awoke with a start, sweat coated my skin, causing the sheets to cling to my shirtless form. I sat up and rubbed my eyes.
Matt.
I just had a sex dream about my best friend. My straight, married best friend. This is SO not good.

And you, you are in my dreams,

-

You're underneath my skin,

I sighed as I got myself ready for the BBQ. Every Sunday we had a BBQ and this week it was at Matt and Val's. As I brushed my teeth I looked at my reflection in the mirror, my eyes had dark circles under them and my skin looked paler than usual. All in all, I looked like shit. Spitting the remaining foam into the sink, I flung my toothbrush on the counter and left the room. Grabbing my keys, I sucked up all the courage I could muster and made my way to the car.

On my way over there millions of thoughts ran through my head. Most of them about Matt. I couldn't understand why it was HIM that I had to dream about. We'd been friends for years, only friends. None of the guys from the band knew that I was bisexual. It was something I had always kept secret. It was one of the main reasons why Michelle and I broke up. But Matt. Sure, he was attractive, I mean, fuck. That man was built well. But he was Matt, oh so straight Matt. God if he ever found out about this he'd probably kick my ass.

Fuck. Why was this happening to me?

How am I so weak?

-

And now in my dreams,
I can feel the weight, I can just come clean.
I keep it to myself, I know what it means

I had gotten to Matt and Val's a few hous ago and so far all I'd done was grunt a greeting and drown myself in beer. Currently I was sitting by the edge of the pool, cigarette poking out from the corner of my mouth and my feet dangling in the pool. I heard the sliding door open and voices filled the otherwise quiet backyard. I didn't turn my head or acknowledge that I heard them.

"Is he okay babe?" a woman's voice asked. It had to be Val, she always worried about us. The babe comment meant she'd be talking to Matt. And for some reason, hearing he call him that made my insides twist. Jealousy?
"I don't know. He hasn't said anything to anyone all night. Should I go talk to him?" Matt asked her, clearly not aware that I could hear every word spoken.
"He's one of your closest friends, of course you should. It could be about Michelle." Val responded, concern filling her voice.
"Okay. Go back inside hun." Matt said. The sound of him kissing her check filled the air. I heard the door shut and the soft sounds of Matt's bare feet as he made his way over to me.

"Hey Bri." He said sitting down next to me, sipping on a beer. I didn't say anything, I didn't trust my voice right now.
"You okay man?" He asked.
"Yeah." I said, clearing my throat and stubbing my cigarette out.
"You sure? You don't seem okay." He paused, inhaling deeply. "This about Michelle?"

I didn't say anything. What could I? Oh this has nothing to do with Michelle, I had a sex dream about you and it was the best dream I've ever had. Now whenever I look at you all I can think about is that dream. And how it felt to kiss you, to have your mouth against my body. Yeah, i'm sure that would go down so well.

He must have taken my silence as a yes, because he slipped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me into a hug. My breath caught in my throat and I froze. "Don't worry, Bri. One day you'll find the right girl. And then you'll be as happy as me and Val." He said to me, almost whispered it into my ear. He pulled away from me, and for the first time since he came outside, I looked at him. Right into those warm hazel eyes.
"Yeah....Maybe." I whispered.
He smiled, his perfect dimples showing. He patted me on the shoulder and stood up, making his way back inside.

I sighed, lighting another cigarette, I realised. I loved him. More than I should.

I can't have you.
But I have dreams.

-

How long, can you hold your breath?
Can you count to ten, can you let it pass?

I groaned as I felt him wrap his lips around me, taking as much of my hard length into his mouth as possible. My hands clung to the sheets, making fists and almost tearing the fabric apart. "Matt." I whispered as he moved his head up and down, sliding me in and out of his mouth. His tounge flicked across the tip of me, I shivered with pleasure.
"Do you like that baby?" He asked, his hot breath tickling where he was previously sucking.
"Matt. Don't stop." I moaned. God he was so good at this.
"I want you to scream for me." He growled, his hand tightened around me. My breath caught in my throat. "Please...." I whispered.

"Oi! Brian! Wake the fuck up!"
I groaned and rolled over, pissed off at whoever had woken me from such an amazing dream. "What?" I growled, my eyes still shut.
"You were moaning in your sleep and I'm trying to watch tv. It's fucking queer man."
My eyes snapped open to reveal Matt sitting across the room from me. I quickly took in my surroundings and realised I was lying on his couch in his living room. Fuck, I must of passed out here after the BBQ and one too many beers.
"Good dream bro?" Matt asked smirking at me.
"Shut up man." I grumbled. I shifted on the couch and realised I was hard. SHIT. I was hard. In a room. With Matt. Awkward much? Matt must have noticed because next thing I know he's laughing his ass off. I threw a pillow at him.
"Seriously. Shut up!" I yelled.
"Awh." Matt chuckled, catching the pillow. "Does Syn need a hand?"

Wait, what?
Did he just say that?

"Go visit one of your groupies dude. Clearly it's been too long." He said his face slightly pink from laughing so hard.
"Just fuck off Matt." I snarled, my previous problem was gone. I stood up, grabbed my phone, keys and smokes from the floor next to me and stormed off.

"Bri! Wait!"
I could hear Matt call for me, but I don't fucking care. I needed to get out of that room. With him. When he asked if I needed a hand.....Shit, I almost lost it. Damn you Matt. He was making this so hard for me.

Keep, can you keep it in?
Keep it behind lashes, can you make it last?

-

Mind, can you read my mind?
Has it come undone?
Am I showing signs?

A week had passed since I had run out on Matt, things still weren't the same. Matt had told the other guys what had happened and all I got was constant ridicule. Zacky would constantly ask if I was 'happy' to see him. It was getting on my fucking nerves.

We were all in the studio trying to work on some songs for the new album and I couldn't fucking concentrate. Every time I would get into a solo I would look up and see Matt looking at me through the glass. And it threw me off. Every single fucking time. I gritted my teeth and tried again. I got half way into the solo for Welcome To The Family and I could feel Matt's eyes on me. My mind flicked to how fucking sexy his eyes looked, filled with lust as he had me inside his mouth. Fuck! These fucking dreams. Concentrate Brian, I told myself. I tried to ignore it. But to no avail, my fingers slipped causing me to loose my place, and screw up, yet again. But this time, I snapped a fucking string.

"FUCK!" I screamed.
"Maybe we should call it a day." Jimmy said as I stormed out of the sound booth. I must have fucked EVERYTHING up if Jimmy was being sensible. I grumbled in response, setting my guitar down, pissed off that I'd have to send it away to get it restrung.
"Good idea, Jimbo." Matt said.

Hours later we were all sitting around a table at our favourite bar drinking. I don't know how I got dragged here, but I wanted out.
"I have to say something." Matt piped up, all of a sudden. Every one turned to look at him. Shit, I thought, here it comes.
"Brian. What the fuck is going on with you? You've been so fucking distant and you look like you aren't sleeping, we're worried about you dude." He asked me. All the guys looked at me with questions in their eyes. Well fuck.
"Sorry if I'm fucking going through something and don't wanna fucking talk about it." I growled sculling back my beer.
"You know you can talk to us about anything." Zacky said.
"Yeah man," Johnny agreed. "You haven't been yourself."
"Like any of you would fucking understand!" I was angry now. They had no idea what I was going through, and they never would.
"Cos you aren't fucking telling us!" Matt yelled back. "We're supposed to have each others backs, we're supposed to be brothers. Fuck, how are we gonna finish the album if you're having a bitch fit?"
"Fuck you all. Fucking finish it without me. I can't do this anymore." I stormed out of the bar, seeing red. Slamming the door to my car I speed off down the road.

This was too much. I was never the type of guy to run away, yet here I am doing it again.
Fuck it.
Fuck HIM.
I may love the man, but I hate him sometimes. Couldn't he see what he was doing to me? No. Of course not. This was never supposed to happen.

And now in my dreams,
I keep it to myself, I know what it means
I can't have you.

-

But I have dreams.
I have dreams, I have, I have...

It had been a few days since I ran out on the guys, and the dreams kept coming. Every night I was haunted with things that would never and could never happen. It had taken it's toll. I hadn't talked anyone. They kept texting me, asking me what was going on, asking me if I was serious about leaving the band. How the fuck am I supposed to answer that? I wasn't even sure I had an answer. Sure. Maybe this is my brains way of telling me to man up. And tell the truth, but no way could I do that. Could I?

My thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door. And when I say knock, I mean a motherfucking pounding on the door. Almost as if someone was trying to break it down.
Matt.
I had no choice, I couldn't avoid him forever.

I pulled the door open. Matt looked fucking angry. "You fucking drop a bomb like that on us, then storm out and don't fucking talk to anyone. What the fuck is your problem man? Do we mean that little to you?" He almost yelled at me.
No, It's because YOU mean too much. Maybe it was time.
"Come in. I do have a reason." I said quietly.

I sat down on the couch and Matt just stood there, glaring. "Could you sit down man? This is hard enough as it is." I whispered. Matt obliged and sat next to me, his body turned so he looked straight at me. Damn, why did he have to be so close. Fine. "I've been different recently, because I've been struggling with some fucked up feelings. A while ago, I started having these dreams, about someone, dreams I shouldn't have had. Sex dreams I guess...." I said.
"About who? Michelle? That's okay Brian, you were with her for a long time..." Matt said cutting me off.
"No. Not Michelle. Fuck! Just let me talk, or I'll never get this out. Okay?" I said, clearly frustrated.
"Sorry. Go on." He replied looking geniunly sorry.
"There were about a friend. There's something I never told you guys. I'm kinda... Well I've kind of always liked.... Guys. Not just guys, I mean, I like girls too. But yeah."
"So you like cock? Wait, a friend? Some one in the band?" He asked.
I nodded.
"So when you were moaning the other day on my couch, that was because of a dream about them?"
"Yeah." I replied.
"Is it Zacky?" Matt asked, a grin on his face.

"No. It's not funny." I took a deep breath. "Matt, It's you. I...uhm...I love you. More than a friend." I looked at him, so many emotions ran across his face, I couldn't make them all out. Matt stood up, his mouth set in a hard line.
"Brian, you're one of my closest friends, but I don't swing that way. I love Val."
The saddness must have shown on my face, cos he looked guilty.
"Bri, don't let this ruin our friendship, our band, our family. I can forget all about this, I won't tell the other guys. But nothing will ever happen. I'm sorry." He spoke slowly. And to be honest, he did look sorry. "We're having another recording next wednesday. Be there. Don't throw everything we've worked for away, over some stupid crush. A crush that NOTHING will ever come from. I'm sorry." He said, almost whispering the last part. He turned and left.

Without saying a word, without touching me. It had been years since any of us said goodbye without a hug. And it hurt. I felt a tear slip down my cheek.
I knew nothing would ever happen, I knew he would never feel the same way, but I hoped, I DREAMT, that maybe, just maybe, he'd love me too.
I guess not.
But it's okay.
Because I still have the dreams.

I have dreams.

-