Affinity

I was overwhelmed with feelings. Should I be mad at him or thankful that he sort of saved my life. I sat down on the edge of Joel's bed and he sat next to me. He didn't say anything wrapping his arm around my shoulder tightly. I could feel the water building in my eyes. I didn't want to cry, I bite my lip trying to fight back tears. I couldn't fight it tears streamed down my face and my whole body was shaking. Joel rubbed my arm affectionately and pulled me tighter. "Hey, don't cry." He said using his thumb to wipe away my tears.

"It's so hard, to know what--ughh." I said burying my face in his shoulder.

"It's okay, Stells."

"I want to believe in him but can't."

~

I took the phone in my hands and dialed. The phone rang twice and there was a voice on the other line.

"Hello?" His voice was husky.

"John?"

"Stella." He said as if he was relieved.

"Can we talk?"

"Yeah of course."

He set a time and date for us to meet and I wasn't all to sure if I was making the same mistake I did years ago. I inhaled sharply and dropped myself on my bed. Embraced by my white sheets I found my self slowly drifting into a peaceful slumber.

"Stella?" I heard a distant voice, urgent. "Stella, wake up."

My eyes fluttered open and my blood rose as I saw John O'Callaghan sitting right next to me. His eyes were tired and the bags under his eyes became even more visible. He wore a blue striped shirt and his hair was perfectly styled like always. He looked down at me his eyes burning into mine he half smiled and moved to the foot of my bed.

"I- uh- thought you died or something." He said rubbing the back of his neck.

"Well now you're here." I said matter-of-factly.

"Yeah, look Stella." He took in a deep breath and began. "It was never my intention to hurt you, ever. I was young and dumb and I was too into myself. I blocked out everyone in my life and it made me realize how important they were. How important you were, to me." He moved closer and placed his hand on my thigh. "Stella you are the best thing that ever happened to me and I was stupid not to realize it. Please I am begging you, give me another chance. I swear I'm all yours." His eyes were pleading full of hope and remorse.

"John. I don't know if I can." The hope quickly faded from his eyes.

"You held the door, well window, wide open for me. What I want to know is who were you hiding me from?"

He tensed and he felt uncomfortable I could sense it. He stood up quickly and paced around the room looking for the right answer.

"I can't tell you Stella. I don't want to fuck you up even more with my shit."

I rolled my eyes and stood up as well. "John, please get out."

"Stella." He said reaching out for me.

"No, John." I said averting his touch as well as his gaze.

"We're leaving tomorrow, to El Paso to record."

El Paso was a good 8 hours away and suddenly I felt nostalgic. For the first time he left me to work on his music. To do the thing that made him happy, but not I. I couldn't be the one to hold him back, I strangely wanted him to be happy- without me.

"Have a good trip." I said flatly not wanting my emotions to seep through.

"I want you to come with me."

"John I have school to worry about, sorry."

"Stella, please."

I was being merciless, I did not, I refused to get hurt again. I walked to my door and held it open motioning to John to leave.

"Doors wide open." I said placing a hand on my hip.

He frowned and walked toward the door stopping right in front of me. He reached his hand towards my face and placed it against my cheek. I closed my eyes and removed his hand.

"Go." I said curtly not opening my eyes and like that he was gone. I was left alone in my silence and tears. A rush of sadness enveloped me and for a moment regret. Joel walked in shortly after his mouth ajar at the open door. Everything went into the slow motion and I heard Halvo's voice in the distant and I felt myself falling, falling once again into a place dark and serene.