Secrets Kept

“You have no idea how bad I wish you were here Jim. I fucking miss you so much and I know you can hear me where ever you are. There are some things that I wish I would have told you a long time ago James. I really regret keeping this from you but I had to for you and Johnny to be happy together. The truth is I love you Jimmy. I have and always will.

I barely found the strength to get out of bed and come to see you today. I know it’s your birthday and that’s exactly why I almost didn’t come. I woke up this morning balling my eyes out because I had a dream that you were back. You where here and everyone had just pulled a bad fucking joke on us. You hadn’t really died but I thought you had, I pulled you into my arms and held you so fucking tightly to me.

I regret all the mistakes I made as your best friend. I know I wasn’t always there for you when you needed me and you turned to drugs. I feel responsible for that and I always have. We refuse to tell the public how you died, I think its best for your family I really do. I just hope people respect you enough to not push for the truth.

I remember as soon as we got back from tour on Christmas Eve we went to our spot as a whole band. Johnny had never been there before so we took a few cases of bear and sat out there all night long. I remember seeing you so fucking happy to be home and getting to spend time with the band just like you use to. I miss you so fucking much Jimmy.

The day I was told that you had died I was in denial, it took a while until I broke out of it; and then I balled like a fucking baby. I really miss you Jimmy and it hurts to know that I could never tell any of the guys what kind of relationship we had at one point in time. I don’t know if you ever did but I won’t bring it up to everyone or anyone for that matter. I wouldn’t be able to break Johnny’s trust in me after all of this time. We razed the hell out of him when he first joined the band. Then he and I grew as best friends but I was always distant because I knew what you and I had done together.

Jimmy, I wish you were still here so I could take you into my arms every night like I use to. My parents never knew about you and me but my significant other does. I had to tell them; after all we are getting married this summer. I see that Johnny and the baby came by to see you already today by the letter he wrote to you. I really want to read it but out of respect I wont. He also left one of Jamey’s toys here for you. I love that kid, we all do.

I feel like a big baby for crying right now but I can’t help it James. All I do is sit around and remember you and all the times we shared together throughout the years and it tears me up inside. If I had the chance to spend one more day with you, knowing that you would go back into the grave at midnight like cinda-fucking-rella I don’t think I would take that offer. Seeing you that day then having you ripped away from me would be like loosing you all over again.

Anyway Jimmy I hate to cut our time short but the guys and I are going out to celebrate your birthday in a way only you would love. I have a feeling it will end in pain and heartbreak but we want to start a tradition. I wrote this song for you, I’m going to leave it open because I want the world to read it and know exactly what I’m feeling right now. I love you baby. Happy Birthday.”

The man pulled the hooded jacket tighter around his chest before laying the lyric filled note down on the ground in front of the tombstone. He also too the necklace from around his neck and placed it on the paper. He had it specially made just for this occasion; it was two drum sticks that made an x shape. The tears had never ceased.

Later on that night Brian and Zack made their way into the grave yard; hand in hand as they walked together. Zack had a big flashlight in his free hand; Brian held a large glass of Lillie’s.

When they spotted the tombstone and the items that had been previously left they both took a seat side by side. Brian pulled out a photo book and placed it against the headstone to an open page of the band together. Zack on the other hand pulled out a locket that Jimmy had given him long ago, placing it near the booklet.

“It’s hard letting you go you know. Birthdays and Christmases won’t ever go by like they use to now that your not here to keep us all on our toes.” Zack whispered to the stone.

“We sit together every night and talk about how much you meant to us, and how we miss you James. We wish we had our brother back beside us.” Brian stated in a shaky voice, his bottom lip quivering as he held back tears. Zack wrapped his arm around Brian and brought him to his chest.

“I want you here with us Jim when ever I die will I be able to see you again?” Zacky spoke as a fresh batch of tears began flowing down his face. “I don’t know what to believe anymore.”

“My mom says just because I am into men I will go to hell but I don’t know if I believe her. She says if I do I won’t be able to see you ever again but I hope she is lying. Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I am a sin or to be judged by anyone just as the bible says.” Brian stated as the tears fell down his cheeks. “I remember finding you the day you died. Johnny had just gone out for a pack of smokes and when he came back he called us. I remember showing up and just thinking it was all a joke, I ran to your body and tried to wake you up and make you stop playing around. You were cold, and that’s when I noticed you had vomit in your mouth. We rolled you and got it all out then tried to breathe for you. It didn’t work. To this day the band has decided not to tell the public exactly what killed you.”

They sat like that for a while before Zack got curious and picked up the open paper in front of them. He read it knowing exactly who wrote it, he had tears in his eyes when he turned back to Brian. The guitarist grabbed the paper and flashlight and began to read.

“Matt loved him,” Zack whispered to no one unparticular.

“He loved him just like Johnny did.” Brian finishes the sentence in disbelief.

“It’s official Jim; I am the only one in this band who hasn’t had any more then friendly feelings towards you.” Zacky chuckled earning a small laugh from his fiancé.

“He’s blowing smoke out of his ass just to let you know he did have a crush on you at one point when the band had just started.” Brian spoke as if he were talking face to face with a friend.

“Shut up Bri!” Zack whined smacking his fiancé in the stomach lightly as he blushed.

“James, we love you buddy. Always know that.” Even more tears fell down each male’s cheeks as they stood and wrapped their arms around one another for comfort.

“Happy birthday Jimmy.”