I Used to Have a Best Friend

So, three cans of monster, two coffees, and a few dozen bottles of water later. My bladder is ready to burst and I am kind of hoping it might change to negative. I mean, they say caffeine is bad... And I’ve probably had my caffeine intake for a year.

Well at least I need to pee.

Aged nineteen, a quarter of the way through my degree and I was currently heading back to my dorm. With a Superdrug bags stuffed through of items that every women needs. I was surprising happy, but I guess that was the monster I’ve drank today.

My roommate was out probably in a lecture. Better for me. So I ran to the toilet for the, well, close to fifteenth time. I opened the Superdrug's bag and turned it upside down pouring out it’s content before grabbing a small box. I stared at it, reading it’s instructions. I could probably recite them.

Well, two lines and you have a bun in the oven... Anything else, relief.

So I waited those two cruel minutes. And well I didn’t find out the result till three hours later. I drank too much caffeine and had a small break down and passed out.

But it was two lines.

Two small blue lines.

Two hours later still, I could actually finally face up to the fact.

I am pregnant.

***

“James, things are just getting weirder.”

I let my voice trail off. We were stood at the river Thames. It was cold as it was in England. Not raining but it sure as hell looked like the clouds were about to burst. The wind was strong, moving my hair from my face every two seconds so I could talk to James was so annoying.

But James just stared at me. I was confusing him. I couldn’t be honest. Be honest with the fact he was to become a dad. James’ life plan was becoming so real. His band was getting more shows, I was getting better at giving in my essays on time.

I didn’t want to have to burden him with this. Knowing I was carrying his baby. We weren’t even together, it was weird, us. We both did like each other. I could push it to admit I had been falling in love with James’ since we’d moved in together at uni. It was one night, like people say, it just happens. We kissed and it went further.

We don’t regret it.

“Weirder how? Stress? Are you too stressed Macy?”

“I don’t know James. I don’t know if I can tell you.”

I said to him softly. I sighed softly looking at the muddy water. It was always this awful colour. I shook my head looking over at him again leaning over to kiss his cheek softly.

“Why can’t you?”

He said softly to me, into my ear. I bit on my lip.

“You’re going to be a dad James.”

His face was blank. It scared me, honestly. I could only just look away, wrapping my arms around myself in self pity. He wouldn’t talk and it was worrying me. I didn’t know what to say. What the hell could I?

“Really?”

“Yes.”

I said softly, keeping my voice quiet. His eyes still just stared at me, into me. Like he was trying to see the baby. I shook my head and sighed heavily before he did something. Something I never thought he of all people would do in this situation.

He ran away.

I watched as he ran along the river path. My throat closed up and dried. My eyes watered and my heart, oh god, how my heart felt. I broke down. I cried there by the river. Clutching my stomach wishing it was gone.

Why did he run? How could he? I never thought he would do that do, James of all people.

When I got back to my dorm I found out he had dropped out and even worse, he had moved out straight away. Everything of his was gone and you could see he had rushed to leave.

But there was only a note left, that he had left me. His scribbled hand writing that brought tears to my eyes again.

It’s so hard to explain why I ran. I am so sorry. I am happy that you are to be the mother of my child. I feel honoured that you are. But as you have gathered, this is just too soon. We’re both too young. That’s why I ran. This is all rushed but I am leaving with my band. Every pound I make will be sent to you. That is why I am leaving. I want to make sure you have enough money for our baby. I’ll see you again Macy. I will. I love you, I truly do, James.

Placing my hand on my stomach as I read over his words, my eyes teared up again. I sighed softly placing his note down. He’d sleep with other girls, tell them he loves them. Get drunk and not make enough money. I wanted to believe him but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t rely on words from someone who ran away. Who rushed to get away. I can’t trust that.

I’m thinking for two now, I need to face up to the fact that James will never see his child.

Because he will forget.

He used to have a best friend at all.