I Woke Up in a Car

I awoke as we made our approach to land at JFK International Airport. The whole trip, I was a wreck. I was mostly numbed by the alcohol that Eric had pushed my way when the flight crew hadn't been looking. I was thankful for the effect it had on me, making me tired. Eric was now sitting next to me, having awoken me from my slumber just as the plane touched down.

I was still drowsy as we headed to baggage claim. I had packed in a bit of a fog, unsure what to pack. It was for sure cold in New York this time of year and they were predicting another severe winter; La Niña was back this year and she was going to be a cold cruel bitch.

We headed out to get a cab. Eric helped the cabbie with our bags as I climbed into the backseat. Eric joined me and told him to take us to Lower Manhattan to our hotel. One of the better of the hotels to stay in New York. The ride was quiet. I was still recovering from our flight as we arrived and he settled the check in. Although I was a native New Yorker I'd never bothered to stay in a fancy hotel so it was a bit of a shock.

The bellman headed to the elevator and we followed behind. I was silent as I rested tiredly against the wall of the elevator. The fifteenth floor it was. Eric grabbed me and pulled me in to a hug. I couldn't help as I wrapped my arms around my friend (who had seemingly tamed that beard by giving it a trim this morning) instinctively. The bellman, who looked no older than 17, was watching us. Not in the creepy way, okay, it was a little creepy.

Once on the fifteenth floor we exited and followed the kid to our room. We unlocked the door and let him inside where he offloaded our bags. Eric tipped him and he left. I sighed and just crawled onto the bed, I didn't even want to be here. I wanted to stay as far away from this place as possible, so many bad memories. Yet, here I was, back. I left in a hurry and I seemed to have come back that way.

I watched Eric as he sat on the bed next to mine, watching me. His voice was quiet, soft, “You okay?” He asked me as I laid there, my eyes tracking him.

I sighed, I was still a little drunk from the plane ride and in really no shape to go seeing my mother but, I knew I couldn't very well avoid the situation forever. “No.” I said, trying to keep the tears at bay by blinking rapidly.

Eric came over to join me on the bed, his arms wrapping around me again as he cuddled up against me. I was grateful that the agency was going to put me on paid leave for some time while I figure this out and that they would find someone for Sammy. I felt so bad but, this was life, I couldn't control it.

I fell back asleep for what seemed like days but was merely only hours. Eric was gone but there was note. He'd headed down to the gym to work out for a bit and then he'd be back. I had no idea how long he'd been gone when he walked in with a bunch of Chinese takeout. I chuckled a little and pushed my hand through my messy hair.

Eric smiled some as he set everything on the small table in the corner of the room, “You're awake.” He said, taking the scarf from around his neck as he then came over to kiss the top of my head.

I nodded and rubbed my eyes, I didn't feel so drunk now, “Yeah, no, I am hungry though.” I said just as my stomach rumbled at the smell of the New York pizza that was swimming through my nostrils.

Eric and I ate and stayed in, just watching TV and enjoying the view of New York from the fifteenth floor. It was beautiful, like something you saw in movies. As much as I had lived here, I had never seen my city like this, from this view. I felt like such a bad New Yorker, almost a tourist even.

Eric took a shower and I ordered ice cream from room service. No harm in doing that and I wasn't running out at this time of night just for damn Ben and Jerry's. I had the spoon in my mouth as Eric came sauntering out of the shower in just his boxers. I was thankful the spoon was in my mouth, I was sure my jaw would've been on the floor otherwise.

Eric caught me staring at him, “What?” He asked looking at me.

I'd never seen him running around in just his boxers fresh out of the shower. Water clung to his chest and stomach hairs (he was harrier than John by far), I couldn't help but want to lick them off. I almost choked on my own spit by the time I regained my composure enough to talk, “Usually you wear a shirt and shorts fresh out of the shower,” I paused, “Not.. prance around in your boxers.”

Eric smirked at my slightly delayed reaction, “Did I just bust you checking me out?” He asked teasing me and throwing his damp towel at me.

I laughed and put my hands up to catch the towel, “Oh god, totally Eric. I want in your pants right now.” I said, wadding the towel up and throwing it back at him with a laugh as I dug in to more of my ice cream that was now almost gone.

Eric put on a tye-dyed shirt from his bag, it hung to his mid-upper-thigh and was ridiculously big on the older man. I couldn't help but shake my head as he came over, a hand planting itself on the bed next to me, his mouth hanging open a little as I ate my ice cream. I couldn't help but laugh as I put a little spoonful of the ice cream in his mouth and he ate it. “You could have asked like a normal person Eric.” I said nudging him a little.

Eric smiled, “I could have, but what's the fun in that?” He asked. His eyes were soft and light blue, hair curly and wet. For the first time it wasn't crammed under a hat and it looked amazing, far better than my own hair which I was really, really jealous of.

My eyes glanced down at his arms, taking in their definition, their shape and then up to his round, muscled, strong shoulders. Eric was good-looking, and I'm pretty sure that thing with the ice cream, he was hitting on me, “What?” I asked as Eric looked at me, a smile having spread across his face.

The next morning we both got up, I showered and got ready to see my mom. I was in a panic, I didn't know what to wear, how to wear my hair or my makeup, I was a complete and utter nervous wreck. Eric and I went out for breakfast but I couldn't eat anything. My stomach was just in knots, knots that didn't settle through breakfast, the subway ride, or the walk down my old street.

Cars whizzed past us as I walked, Eric by my side. I couldn't help but look around, shivering as we walked. It was so cold you could see our breath in the air. It was surreal to be back here after being so far gone for so long. It was still home to me. I looked over at Eric who was watching me, “What?” I asked, my voice quiet.

Eric sighed and put an arm around my waist, kissing the top of my head, “You know, things will be okay. As much as it doesn't seem like it right now, they'll turn out. I promise.” Eric said as we continued to walk down the street.

I stopped in front of the old brownstone house I'd left two years ago. Not much had really changed on the outside. A faded flyer with my picture still hung in the window with “MISSING” typed in big bold letters. I took a deep breath and nodded, I wasn't worried about everything turning out okay.

I was worried about seeing Gene for the first time since I left. Mom had wrote letters, saying how he'd changed, he was going to AA meetings now and getting help for his anger. She didn't say that my leaving had anything to do with it but she didn't exactly say why he changed either. “It's not that.” I whispered as I looked at the door.

I slowly shuffled toward the front door, up the steps of the stoop. I could remember playing on this stoop as a child, playing hopscotch on the sidewalk out front, sitting here with my friends talking and doing homework in middle school. So many memories came flooding back.

Eric was standing behind me as I knocked on the door, his hand rubbing over my back in a calming manner. I leaned against him, looking up at him, “Thanks for coming.” I whispered, as we waited for the door to open.

Eric smiled and leaned down to kiss my forehead, “I couldn't let you do this alone.” He said, “It's not right.” The way he was looking at me, wasn't sympathetic, but, there was something there, I couldn't exactly name it.

Our attention turned from each other to the door as it swung open. A man whose face I could never forget stood in the doorway, staring at us, staring at me, as if I was some ghost. Gene was still in the home, still living under the same roof as my sick mother. Just seeing him, knowing what he used to do, it made me angry, made my blood boil.

However, my anger quickly dissipated as little footsteps and a giggle came to the door, “Daddy, daddy!” the child called. Her shirt was pink with flowers, little brown pants to match her brown hair and brown eyes. She looked a lot like Gene, only, she had my mothers eyes. She couldn't have been older than a year and a half.

Gene looked down at the toddler and picked her up, the little girl's presence wasn't going to make this easier, but it broke the awkward, still silence, “Danielle, this is your big sissy, This is Arianna.” The little girl looked at me, looked at Eric and then shied in to Gene's shoulder.

I took a deep breath as Gene invited us both in to the home. I wasn't sure I was ready to cross into the threshold of the home that caused me so much pain, but now, I didn't have a choice. I had to confront my own past and the ghosts that seemed to haunt me from it. This was the only chance I was going to get.

It was now or never.