Not Your Every Razorblade Romance...

All I do…
I can feel you
All I do…
I can still feel you
No more fuel
I can still feel you
Hear your call underneath it all
Kill my brain
Yet it still remains…” – Underneath It All/Nine Inch Nails.

Ville was still in L.A. It would be a few more days before he could fly back to Finland. He spent too many of the past nights drinking. He caught a glimpse of himself in the shop window; he lit a cigarette and noted he needed to shave. He waited for his cab to come and bring him to the house they were renting until the album was finished.

He tried hard not to think of Miriah, but every time a woman threw herself at him, he saw her face instead of the fan’s. He was being haunted, he inhaled the smoke and shuddered. Ville couldn’t stop thinking about her and her quirks. The way she played with her hands and feet nervously. He exhaled the smoke and coughed slightly. He couldn’t help but imagine her lips, imagine they tasted like wine. Ville shook his head and laughed at himself. He was a fool. What of Joanna? He was tired of playing her game, he wanted to have the chance to play with Miriah. He sighed and checked his cell phone. He had a text from Joanna, of course.

‘Miss you.’ was all it said.

The cab pulled up and Ville climbed into it after stepping on his cigarette butt. The cab passed streetlights, hotels, working girls, cars, more cars and endless bars, he was tempted to tell the driver to pull over to one of those. He told himself that there was beer at the house and he didn’t really feel like being around people. In L.A that wasn’t really an option. The cab pulled up to the gate and Ville paid him before existing.

Inside Mige and Gas were playing pool in the side room and Burton was passed out on the sitting room sofa. Linde must have been in his room, Ville thought as he walked into the side room. Mige and Gas looked up from their game and each said hello.

“What’s been eating you?” Mige asked, sensing Ville’s distress. Ville went to the bar on the opposite wall of the door and began looking through the labels before answering over his shoulder.

“I can’t stop thinking about that girl. Joanna is still on my ass and I don’t know what to do. Right now my plan is to drink until oblivion.” He spoke his as he poured a shot of vodka.

“You really got it for that girl, don’t you? Why not just break up with Joanna, I mean you’re fucking miserable with her and now you’re in love with someone else, if that isn’t a reason to break up with someone I don’t know what is!” Mige threw his arms up, one still holding the stick. Gas nodded in agreement.

“Yes, he’s right. It’s not fair to any of you.” He added before bending down over the table to adjust for a shot.

“You guys need to mind your own, I’ve been through this with Joanna, she doesn’t want to break up.” Ville answered before taking the shot and loving the hot burn on his throat. He began to pour another as Gas missed his shot and waited for Mige to line himself up.

“What about what you want, mate? What about that?” Mige called over his shoulder at Ville and took the shot. The stick hit the center of three balls and sent them flying around the table. Two balls, a blue and red went down the holes. Mige stood and smiled at Gas,

“Lucky shot,” Gas huffed and went to bent over the table again.

Ville watched them play their game as he finished the bottle of vodka and thought about what Mige said. What about him and what he wanted?

I threw another pillow at Miracles, she ducked and it landed behind the sofa, Nine Inch Nails was blaring from the stereo and the look on Miracles face meant revenge.

“You’re going to pay for that,” She said so seriously I believed her. I sat down next to her on the sofa and leaned my head back against it. Miracles sensed the change in my mood and she frowned. “What’s eating you?”

I looked at her and sighed, I leaned forward to pick up my phone off the coffee table and check it. Miracles watched my face and suddenly she understood, she sat up straighter.

“It’s him isn’t?” she asked. “It’s about Ville again, isn’t it?” She didn’t sound like she was tried of talking about it like I worried she might have been. I turned my gaze on her and sat my phone back down.

“He hasn’t texted me or called since last week. I know it hasn’t been that long but I can’t help but get the feeling something is wrong. I feel like I can feel him missing me and it makes me miss him even more. I dream about him almost every night and the time we kissed was the most amazing sexual experience of my life.”

“Which isn’t saying that much,” Miracles smiled and I narrowed my eyes at her.

“Hey, I waited for the right guy…he’s just still in a relationship.” I admitted and ran my fingers through my hair.

“Yeah real good waiting did.” Miracles was just joking but she was also right.

“You’re right… you must have been in love before.” Miracles grew pale and she swallowed hard.

“I was once, I had a boyfriend named Jack in high school, he had the most beautiful smile. We dated for three years…then one day he just tells me that he doesn’t love me anymore and it was over. I’ve gone on lots of dates since then but nothing has quite been like that again. I think one of the reasons I’m so obsessed with Johnny Christ is because he’s unattainable and he’s safe. I don’t know if I can trust a real man again after that.” I listened to Miracles quietly and considered what she was saying before answering.

“You must know how Joanna feels then,”

“No… See she knows that he’s done she just doesn’t care. I was heart-broken because he didn’t love me anymore. It seems like Joanna is just being selfish.” Miracles winkled her nose.

“I suppose you are right… but why do I feel so bad for her?” Miracles was silent for a moment as she thought, she looked me in the eyes and replied,

“Because you fear becoming her. You are seeing the end of their relationship and the beginning of your own. You’re seeing what your relationship with Ville may become.”

“You’re right, you are completely correct, oh my Anne Rice, I’m in trouble.”

Would Ville someday stop loving me?