Not Your Every Razorblade Romance...

Chapter Four...Love or Dyslexia?

Sometimes my world goes upside down
Sometimes I see things backwards
When I go walking in town, can't get back home
Sometimes I see things right to left
And I know that's not right at all
But since I bumped into you, I bump into walls
And no one knows what's wrong with me
They think that I got dropsie

Is dis love?
Or is dyslexia
Dyslexia

I've got these glasses real thick and green
Just like the bottoms of coke bottles
I stumble 'round my house, so strange to me...Dyslexia/Alice Cooper

Ville went home shortly after to get ready for tonight. I took a lavender scented bubble bath, I relaxed and tried not to think too hard about the date. It wasn't really a date, was it? No it was just two friends having dinner together. That sounded innocent enough. I shaved my legs and washed my hair before getting out and drying off, I rubbed rose and lavender all natural lotion on my body before letting my hair dry into it's wild waves.

I stood before my dresser and frowned at the sight of my open panty drawer. Does it even matter what they look like? What was it about wearing sexy underwear that made you feel less unattractive? I sighed and pulled out a red thong and lacy black boy shorts. I went with the boy short because they were more comfortable. If I could ever go without bra, you know that is what I did. But seeing as I wanted to wear a sexy dress a bra was needed. I never felt bad about wearing a wonder bra because my left breast was one size smaller and it acted as an evener. That was a big pet peeve of mine about my body. Other than I was very comfortable with not looking like a runway model. I liked having a strong body instead of a slender one. Although I found myself wondering what I'd look like making love to Ville. I was about three times wider than him, would that make it look weird? “You shouldn't even be worrying about that anyway...get your head out of the gutter woman!”

I had mixed feelings about dressing up for the date. I wanted to look good because no matter what I told myself I had a crush on Ville and I wanted him to like me. I had a feeling that he did, after the way he was always flirting with me. But than I was…scared. What if Ville was interested in having an affair with me? What if he was planning on having sex with me tonight? I hated how excited that thought made me. So instead of the short dress I was going to wear I chose instead my nicest pair of black bell-bottom jeans and a black tank top with the Batman symbol on it. I added black and white arm warmers and slipped on my studded belt.

After putting on my makeup, I found my boots under my bed and shined them up a bit. They had a three inch chunky heel and little sliver chains wrapped around them. After my pirate coat was added I was ready. At lest I hoped I was. I stood in front of my mirror for twenty minutes trying to get myself together. This wasn't as big of deal as I was making it all out to be.

Ville arrived at the door at eight, dressed in black jeans, a red silk button up shirt and a back velvet blazer. He had messy black kohl lined under his eyes and it made them stand out beautifully. He smiled brilliantly and I felt my face heating up…again.

"You look lovely, sweetie." I blushed harder.

"Thanks, you clean up pretty well yourself, Valo." I winked at him and giggled playfully.

We took a taxi to the restaurant, the ride there I was blushing red. I guess Ville sensed my discomfort because as we got out, “He held the door open for me...be still my beating heart...” he smiled at me and tilted his head to the right, he took my hand to help me from the cab and his touch caused my heart to flip, his lime gaze was looking at me with an questioning expression.

"What?" I asked, becoming more self-conciseness. Was there something in my teeth? Did I smell? Was my underwear showing? My mind raced with horrible thoughts.

"You're being very quiet, do I make you uncomfortable?" “Yes... Because you're too prefect to be true and you're getting married and I'm falling in love with you even though I barely know you... Yes because I want to kiss you right now and I want to tell you how much I admire you're charm and intelligence. ...Yes because if I keep staring at you you're going to think I'm a mental case...” Maybe I was. I couldn't tell what was up or down since I had bumped into Ville. Was it love or just my dyslexia acting up?

"Um…" Now that I could answer him I wasn't sure how, so I just stood there, with my ass half in the cab and my hand still in Ville's.

"It's alright, sweetie. I'm not going to be coming on to you all night. Flirting is just part of my personality." I finally stood up and the cab driver shot me a dirty look as I closed the door.

"Oh, well…" I still couldn't think of any response. What was wrong with me? No man had never made me feel like this. Just earlier I was fine. Why now was I freaking out so bad and acting like a loony? Ville chuckled and took my arm, the connect making me tingle again, and lead me into the restaurant.

It was small and not very crowed, I was thankful for both. I didn't like big groups of people, I was shy by nature even though I looked and talked in-your-face. It was oriental decor and I smelt Asian cooking and I was pleased. Ville dragged me into the back, next to a small Budda. “They've got their cultures mixed up.” The tables were all low and pillows were in place instead of chairs. I was thankful for not dressing up too much. The place was very nice but looking around we were both a little over dressed. A pretty dark haired girl with a name tag saying: "Suni' took our orders and poured us both hot green tea in cute little cups with blue orient dragons dancing across the top. I finally spoke,

"This is….nice." Oh such a brilliant, well thought out conversation starter. Ville put down the menu he was looking at and turned his green peepers on me. I felt a crushing weight on my shoulder suddenly. Then I realized that I was acting this way because I was scared that I would say something that would make Ville not like me. I had a horrible curse of people being drawn to me, being my friend, me letting them in and giving them gifts, than they just stopped talking to me and pretended I didn't exist. I was always wondering why?

Was it because I was annoying or because I was kind of vain sometimes? Was it my body or was it who they thought I was? Maybe they saw my clothes and thought I was some crazy partier or some depressed emo who liked the same shitty bands as them. Maybe I was a poser and I should try to act normal. Those were the thoughts putting more stress on my over loaded brain. This dinner was a bad idea.

My eyes flickered to the cherry wood glass covered table as I tried to read the 'Chinese zodiac' in Finnish. I got a headache. I guessed Ville thought I was going somewhere with 'this is nice'.

"Is there something bothering you? Do you want to leave?" His voice rang with a bit of disappointed sadness. I lifted my eyes to narrow them at him, was he worried that I wasn't enjoying his company or was he sad that he wouldn't get to screw me later?

"No, I'm sorry, I'm just…" I sighed. “Just speak your mind, it's what you do best.” I braced myself. "I really like you, Ville. I really want to be friends with you but I keep feeling like I'm going to scare you off somehow. I've had a lot of bad friendships in the past and it's hard for me to open up anymore, you know? Oh Anne Rice I'm rambling, aren't I?" Ville blinked before smiling and laughing softly, his dorky hiccups making me giggle.

"Oh darling, I'm not easily scared off. If I didn't want to be your friend I wouldn't have asked you for dinner…" his face blushed and he looked serious. "oh dear you don't think I mean to sleep with you, do you?" I was relived and hurt at the same time. Strange feeling.

"Oh no, of course not!" I lied though my teeth, putting on a false smile. Once the food arrived we ate and Ville asked me more questions about my book.

"So what do you want the reader to feel after reading it?" Ville jokingly talked into his fork with a piece of semi-sauce covered chicken on the end, than pointed it towards my mouth, implying it was recording an 'interview'.

"I want them to feel…satisfied, like they just lived what the characters did. That they were the characters. That's what, I guess." I smirked and ate the chicken off the fork. Ville pouted.

"Hey! That was mine!" I used my chop sticks to steal a baby corn from his plate.

"That was yours too, what are you gonna do about it?" I mumbled, chewing on the corn. Ville glared at me. It looked more adorable than threatening.

"I'll have my revenge…" I stole another piece of chicken.

"Sure you will…" I mumbled again. Ville frowned and murmured something under his breath that sounded like: "good thing you're so cute." I felt like dancing for joy.

~*~

They talked for four hours, and they didn't leave until the restaurant closed. Ville took Miriah home, who had become slightly tipsy off of the suki. He had been tempted to take advantage of her weakened state, like kissing her- she might even let him go further...

Ville shook himself as those dark thoughts past through his brain. His eyes darted over to Miriah sitting next to him, she was looking out the window. Her eyes wide and reflecting of the city lights. He sighed softly and wished he could lit up a cigarette without the driver freaking out. It had been months since he and Joanna had made love, that might have been one of the reasons he was so hormonal. ”Simple fix to that, just have to rub one out before I see her. I can control myself.”

The cab stopped in front of Miriah's apartment and Ville jumped out and went around the cab to open her door before her hand even had a chance to touch the handle. She smiled up at him as she took his hand to help her climb out.

“You don't always have to do that, you know...it's sweet but I don't expect special treatment.” Ville returned her grin as she stood in front of him.

“I'm just treating you the way you should be treated,” “Fucking hell, you might as hell ask her what color her underwear is...I wonder if she's wearing a thong or bikinis...no stop it!” Ville was thankful Miriah couldn't read his mind. Her cheeks grew pink again, and she lowered her gaze.

“You're ridiculous, but sweet.” She headed for the building's door and Ville paid the driver, he decided he could just walk home. Miriah turned around and asked him,

“Would you like to come in for a drink?” The word 'drink', was slightly slurred. Ville had to think of Joanna, how he'd feel like scum for doing it... “Oh bloody hell, what's an innocent drink?”

“I'd love to,” He grinned.

~*~

It had been a fabulous night. I had learned so much more about Ville, his band-mates, his family, almost everything but his fiance. I wondered how he would react if I asked about her. Would he think it was because I wanted to compare myself to her? “Maybe I do...no I'm just curious...to know If she's anything like me.”

I had a bottle of wine that Janne had given me as a home-warming present, I knew it was in one of the cabinets in the kitchen...but I was having trouble thinking and moderating myself correctly. I didn't drink much, so it didn't take much to effect me. I opened the last cabinet next to the refrigerate and there it was. I reached for it once and missed, knocking over a salt and pepper container. I sighed feeling stupid and bet down to clean up the mess with a dish rag. Even that simple task was made difficult. Finally I was able to complete my mission and had the wine bottle down, opened and two glasses poured into my green glass goblets.

Ville was sitting on the sofa, he had put on some music while I was getting the wine. I recognized Thin Lizzy's masterpiece, 'Live and Dangerous' pounding through my stereo. He had used my record player and I smiled, seeing the vinyl skipping in circles. I handed him a goblet and sat next to him, he sat up more and as he shifted our things brushed against each other.

“Thank you...I really like your music collection. We have similar tastes. I love how vinyl records sound, it's same they wear out, but the sound quality on these old albums just fits so perfectly.” I nodded and leaned back into the red velvet. I took a small sip from my glass, I didn't want to become any more light headed than I already was.

“Yeah, that's why I have my favorite albums on vinyl...Do you think you could give me one of your CDs to listen to?” Ville grinned and took a drink from the glass before setting it on the glass coffee table and looking back at me.

“Of course I would,” I wanted him to tell me more about his music.

“Ville I know you get tried of talking about it, but I'm really curious about you...What inspires you to write music?” Ville answered without hesitation, and it surprised me.

“Unrequited Love,”

Eyes locked again and I felt this magnetic pull towards him. My eyes left his to look at his lips. His face became unreadable to me- then he leaned close into me...so close to my lips, I could taste the bittersweet wine on his breath. I let my eyelids close and I waited- I would kiss an engaged man, but I would let him kiss me. “This realization makes me feel dirty.. but oh god it doesn't matter.”

His lips never came and I opened my eyes to see him pulling away, a hard frown forming on his face. He stood up and quickly went to the door. I stood, horrified if I didn't call out to him I would never see him again.

“Ville!” I called, “Ville please, wait...I'm sorry. I just want to be friends, please don't leave...you're my only friend here...” I felt tears welling in my eyes. “Don't cry, dammit, don't cry...” He froze, his shoulder stiff and locked. He slowly turned around and I could see his eyes were glossy as well.

“I'm the one who should be sorry, Miriah. I still want to be friends...I just can't let myself get carried away...I am sorry for putting you in this situation...I'll call you soon. Good night.” He opened the door and closed it gently behind him. I stood there, my heart sinking into my stomach. ”I am an idiot...I'm never drinking again.”

It was difficult for me to sleep that night.