Not Your Every Razorblade Romance...

No walls can keep me protected,
No sleep-
nothing between me and the rain....
And you can't save me now, I'm in the grip of a hurricane
I'm going to blow myself away...

I'm going out,
I'm going to drink myself to death...
And in the crowd I see you with someone else...
I brace myself 'cause I know it's going to hurt....
But I like to think at least things can't get any worse!

I hope that you see me, 'cause I'm staring at you
But when you look over, you look right through
Then you lean and kiss her on the head
And I never felt so alive and so dead....Hurricane Drunk/Florence + the Machine

It had been several weeks since I had seen Ville in person. We'd exchanged a few texts and he had called me once while he was at band practice so I could hear the beginning stages of their new album. I was touched he thought of me, and I was blown away by how much I liked the music...but I was disappointed he hadn't wanted to see me. Maybe he was just being smart, giving each other some physical space is what we needed. Or was it? My heart and brain had been in consent battle since I had met Ville- and it was a stress that piled upon not being able to complete my book in time and trying to learn Finnish at the same time for my job.

I decided I was going to move on for now and try and make new friends. I needed new friends anyway and staying in my studio apartment all day being miserable wasn't doing me any good. So I got dressed up in what I called it my 'Bride of Dracula' dress. (You know how in most vampire movies they take the girl and dress her in a white, layered, flowie dress? Well it looked like that.) I pinned my hair high on my head, allowing some ribbons of hair falling here an there, and I wore little makeup. I would have worn no shoes if I could have, so I wore my ballet flats and my heavy black wool cape.

I did some research on fun places to go in Finland and a name that repeatedly came up was: “Tavstia”. It appeared to a night club/bar where lots of local bands performed. There was no one I knew performing that night, but they were described as 'glam rock meets new Finnish rock.” So I went a head and took the chance.

When arriving at the show, I was surprised to see many of the people standing in line to get in dressed in HIM gear, heartagrams everywhere I looked. I deiced in that moment I needed some HIM gear myself to proclaim my new fandom. I smiled to myself as I approached the door, I was glad I had met Ville before becoming a fan.

Inside the club bight red chairs and glass tables littered the layered dance floors and surrounded a circle stage. The walls were covered in artistic lettering. Most of the space by the stage was already taken, so I headed for the bar instead. “Just once I wish they would have a special place for people who actually want to dance, instead of just squeeze their way as close to the stage as possible, for god knows what goal...” I shook my head and removed my wool coat to throw over a bar stool before sitting down and trying to catch the bartender’s eye. The bartender was being given a difficult time by a very drunk young man.

“Ugh...Look here, buddy!” The burgundy haired bartender snapped, “I am not amused by your drunken crap. I have a job here, and just cause' 'I'm not one of those, Finnish pricks' doesn't mean I don't take offense to you saying all my friends are Finnish pricks. You have had enough damn idiot juice for one night, now get the fuck out of my bar!” The drunken idiot stared blankly at her for one moment, mouth hanging open, shocked by how this five foot five tough chica was treating him.

“Grrr...”-The bartender growled as her eyes narrowed at him in a chilling death-glare before shouting- “ GET YOU'RE ASS WALKING!” The drunk jumped up and fell off the bar stool, causing those watching the episode to laugh as he scattered off through the crowd. The bartender turned her eyes on me and I gave her a smile, her face quickly changed from angry and a little scary into a sweet smile.
“Hey there fairy-princess, sorry for the delay. What can I get ya?” I frowned slightly, she was speaking English with a slight Mexican accent.

“You're speaking English,” I stated curiosity. Bewilderment flashed across her face she then shook herself and sighed.

“I am? Dammit, sorry Finnish is my third language. It gets hard to remember which language to speak sometimes....but you, you must be American, so no harm done...please don't tell my manger.” I laughed a little,

“I'm not going to tell on you, I admired the way you handled that jerk, and I also like your shirt.” She grinned and looked down at her chest.

“I love Johnny Christ, forgive me.” She rolled her eyes wishfully. “But thanks, my name is Miracles.” We shook hands and a few seconds later the band started in roaring guitars and pounding drums. We could no longer hear one another over the music so I yelled my drink order into her ear and she hurried away.

A few hours pasted by like a riff-packed-soul-rockin'-shaken'-one-long-solo. I blinked a few times and tears rolled down my cheeks as I felt my eyes sting. The band was great, I wished I knew how to pronounce their name. 'Some Finnish Citizen you'll be.' I rolled my eyes at my thoughts and glanced around the thinning crowd.

My heart stopped when my eyes met with a familiar pair of emerald eyes, they mine-and than pasted over as if he didn't see me. My heart tightened in pain, 'Maybe he didn't...maybe he just sees a blur in an ocean of faces.' However the feelings I was experiencing were extreme. I scared myself. I saw him hold his arms out to greet a beautiful, slender(of course!) woman with long dark hair. She was beautiful in the way actress' and models were. My heart sank deeper into the black hole of my stomach as I couldn't look away from him embracing her and-I felt like I was going to die. My lungs were full of sand...I felt my already bleeding heart shatter into millions of pieces when he kissed her forehead.

I slowly was able to look away and slowly, I felt my body again. I turned around and met eyes with Miracles as she was drying a glass, she looked up at me and frowned.

“You alright chick? How 'bout I buy you a drink on the house...You look like you could use one.”

If I could have smiled right then- I would have given her one. I nodded slowly and reminded myself how to speak, “Please, and thank you...you're a saint.”

~*~

Ville had realized that maybe he should have listened to Jonna when she suggested that he not drink tonight. As Joanna's blurred figure rushed towards him as he swayed and struggled not to fall down. She caught him and although he wasn't even able to see her expression- he could feel her icy eyes boring into him, scorning him. He knew she was right and had been right and was right most of the time and that's what he couldn’t stand about her anymore. He just wanted to party and relax sometimes...yeah sure sometimes he over did it- like tonight, but he could take it.

'You're just fine...but you still need to make it up to her...” The reason their sex life had dwindled was more his fault then hers....he just didn't love her that way anymore. She had become more like a nagging mother or a overbearing wife to him and they weren't even married yet. However sometimes he drew upon past memories of their early relationship to spark attraction to her. When they first met, the first few dates, the first time they made love.

Ville leaned against Jonna's tall, lithe fame and bent to kiss her head. It worked, a smile tugged at her full lips and he felt desire flare up for her once again. He was quite delighted to feel heat rush to his crouch despite having drank too much. 'You still love her....sometimes.'

“Let's go home, you big drunk buffoon.” She laughed shaking her and leading them through the thongs of people existing the club, completely unaware that the 'The Other Woman' was sitting just across the dance floor.

~*~

“I love em'...” I confessed to Miracles over my twelfth beer, my speech had begun to make a downward spiral into drunken love sick rambles. I was sure the fiery bartender only understood half of what I was saying, but nodding her head with a compassionate and understanding expression- I don't think she needed to. She could relate, I could see past horrors and heartbreaks echoing in her eyes.

“You know, every-time you say that it takes just a few more seconds for me to realize what you said. I think you've had enough to drink...but we're closing up any way...hey could I offer you a ride home?” I stared at her for a while before procesing what SHE had just said.

“Yeah, pss-Th-Hanks...” I hissed and put my head down on the cool glass bar. I could feel the hangover already starting. I moaned and wished I had never come to Finland-for a second. 'No...you can at least be his friend, and give Joanna a chance. If he loves her than she can't be that bad.”

~*~

“What!?!”

The word echoed in Ville's head, it took him a moment to absorb it as his body was still tingling from his climax. He looked up at Joanna's sweaty naked body above him and realized what he had said. 'Her face...she'll never let me live this down...'

“What...?” she repeated again before slamming her palms on his chest, causing him to wince in pain as the sound of slap boomed and the skin turned pink. She climbed off of him disgusted and wobbled into the bathroom to clean up, all the while glaring and cursing in German. Ville wasn't fooled by her leaving- he knew she's be back and she'd tear him apart.

Jonna came back into the room and Ville could feel the temperature in the room become chilly. 'Oh fucking hell...now I'm going to get it...fuck, I deserve it!' She face was unreadable, he knew he had hurt her deeply and she was going to want to hurt him back.

“Who is she?” She asked so cooly, as if she was talking about one of his fans or a new maid- he still wasn't fooled. He sat up and tried to give his most guilty look, hanging his head down he sighed and pulled his knees to his chest.

“She's no one...I am sorry...yell at me I deserve it.” He was good at manipulating her, that was a bonus to have been with her for so long, he knew all her buttons.

“You think?” she sneered and bent to pull up her black undies. Ville felt a wave of dread crush him, she was really upset.

“I don't know what else to say...” he plead and tried to look her in the eyes, but he knew he was lying. He knew that he was fantasizing about Miriah while making love to his Finance. 'Oh fuck..I am pile shit, I just need to confess it all...the feelings, the lack of feelings...we both deserve better than this...” Ville opened his mouth, but then closed it rethinking his plan. It would just hurt her more. They needed to play this out to the bitter end or else there would always be that “What if?' question.

Jonna paced the room-not looking at Ville- and mumbled to herself. Ville watched her like a prey realizing that he's being hunted by a predator. Jonna chose the best moment to strike, just as he began to relax.

“Just tell me the fucking truth for once you dickhead! Who is she? Have you fucked her? Or do you just want to? Does she know about me? If you don't want me just say it and I'll go!”

Ville stared at Jonna blankly, 'might as well answer her questions.'

“Miriah, and she's the American girl I became friends with- and friends with only. I...I care about her a lot and I don't have a good excuse for why I said her name other than I am attracted to her and I made a huge mistake in thinking about her while I was with you...but I am with you and I don't want you to go, if you'll forgive me.” Jonna's eyes brimmed with tears finally as she fell back onto the bed and exploded in sobs. Ville held her in his lap and rubbed her back while whispering comforting words into her ear. 'So it doesn't end this night...and it goes on.'

~*~