Not Your Every Razorblade Romance...

“Next phase, next craze, next nothing new
Got the pretty boy beat him up black and blue
Broke the sissy boy's teeny toy heart in two
Turned him into a video kid like you

I know you're just pretending death
There's no window for mistakes
I know you see right through me
There's no promise left to break

Shot the pretty boy killed him on commodore
Need a new game, need a new something more
Got a new face got a new way to score
Got a voice like something I've heard before

The message misleading
We're lying, we're cheating
We're only repeating
The motions preceding....” Video Kid/The Birthday Massacre

I awoke the fallowing morning with the worse headache I'd ever had in my life. I felt as though there was evil flying monkeys screaming and fighting in my skull. Worse was the pain I felt echo in my chest when I remembered last night.

“Think of the positive, at lest you made a new friend...”

I groaned as I rolled out of bed and slowly, dragged my body downstairs and headed for the shower. I thought about ways I could not think about Ville today. It was boarding on obsession, what I was feeling. Was I really in love with a man already taken, and whom I still barely knew? I liked to think I had a good idea of who Ville was, but I had only ever seen him in a good mood. Who knows what darkness could be resting below the surface. I finished getting ready for work and left my apartment.

Walking down the street I kept my gaze downward as I thought about what I was going to write about in my next chapter, but my characters were being over powered by my thoughts of Ville and Joanna...”Had he really seen me? What were the chances that they'd be at the same place I was?” What were the chances that I would meet the first man I'd come to love by chance? We had bumped into one another, if we hadn't been lost in our own thoughts we might have have ever met. How would my life be different right now if we hadn't? Truth was I was thankful to have met him, and I hoped we could be friends...but deep down I knew that there was something between us. If it was just physical or something more I didn't like feeling it when I knew that it wasn't going to happen. Ever. “Unless Ville and Joanna broke up...” I mentally slapped myself for wishing such a thing. God I was so tried of that little devil being all that I thought about it. It was driving me nuts!

“He's going to be the death of me...I know it.” I whispered to myself, making my way through the crowded street, feeling more alone and isolated from humanity than I had in some time.

~*~

“So when can I meet her?” Joanna asked Ville casually over lunch. Ville's jaw dropped slightly as he felt his throat become dry. His eyes past over the table and fell upon his glass of orange juice- he wished there was vodka in it.

“Um, well I haven't seen her in a few days. I know she works at a publishing company around downtown...I deleted her number because I thought you wouldn't want me to see her anymore, understandably.” He was lying, but he knew she was as well. She looked and acted like nothing was wrong, but deep down he knew darkness was growing in her as it was in him. Even as they sat across form each other now in this restaurant trying to have a pleasant talk- she brings up something they had just fought over all last night. Weren't they trying to get along? “Fuck, she just wants to met her so she can compare herself to her. See if she's prettier-” Ville stopped and thought about how Joanna might have been more beautiful, but Miriah was far more exotic with her bold features and dramatic eyes. Joanna also had just become all of the things he hated about himself- she manipulated and lied to him and was selfish and over-bearing.

“Ville, it's fine, really, we talked about that...I'm just curious now is all.” Ville gave her a false smile, she was telling the truth about being curious about Miriah alright.

“Well I'm sure how to get a hold of her, she might call me and if she does I'll set up a time when she can come over for dinner and you can meet her.” Joanna grinned and put her fork down as she picked up her phone.

“Naw, I think I know where she might work. I do some work at newspaper sometimes on weekends and I'm pretty sure I always pass a publishing firm on my way there. I'll just look up the street and find the phone number from there.” Ville's stomach sank, he feared Joanna chasing Miriah off. ”You fear her telling her the truth about you. That underneath your wit and charm you're just a user.” Ville looked at Joanna and swallowed hard, again wishing for some form of alcoholic drink.

“Ah, here it is!” She hit send and Ville watched in horror as she waited for someone to pick up.

”You should have broken it off last night when you had the chance, you idiot.”

“Yes hello? Hi, my name is Joanna and I'm calling here to reach Miriah, she's American, does she work there?” There was a pause that lasted forever to Ville as he began craving a cigarette. “Oh great, she is? Would you please get her for me? Please and Thank you.” She met Ville's eyes and he forced a smile, but he feared she could read the nervousness of his body language.

“Hello, is this Miriah?” she asked in perfect English, “This is Joanna Ville's finance and we were both wondering if you would come to dinner tonight at our place.....oh that's great, I can't wait to met you in person. See you around eight thirty. Bye.” Ville felt like his internal organs had all jumped into his throat.

“So, she sounds nice.” Joanna commented before grinning and taking a sip of her iced tea. Ville wondered how he had gotten himself in this situation.

~*~

I was making more coffee when Aurora called down the hall that I had a phone call. I frowned, wondering who would be calling me at work when I realized it might have been Ville. Maybe he had lost my number or something. I felt my heartbeat increase as I hurried down the hall to the main lobby where Aurora handed me the phone and I took a deep breath before answering.

“Hello?” I said,

“Hello, is this Miriah?” The voice wasn't Ville's, it was a woman with a slight accent.

“This is Joanna Ville's finance and we were both wondering if you would come to dinner tonight at our place.....?” I almost didn't believe my ears. I shook myself and tried to remain calm. ”She can't hear your feelings for Ville in your voice...”

“Oh yes, he's told me about you...” I wasn't sure how to react.

“oh that's great, I can't wait to met you in person. See you around eight thirty. Bye.” She hung up before I could answer. I handed the phone back to Aurora and she frowned seeing the expression on my face of fear and confusion.

“Are you okay Miriah? I can tell there is something bothering you, do you want to talk about it? I get on my lunch in a few minutes.” I shook my head no and tried to swallow my feelings. I felt like I was going to explode...again.

“No thank you, Aurora...I'll be okay.” I smiled as best as I could to reassure her and went back to fighting with the coffee maker. I would have to remember to tell Janne that we needed a new one.

I arrived home later than usual and glanced at the clock, noting I had two hours to get ready. I was relived as I hated feeling rushed and even though I only took fifteen minutes tops to get ready if I didn't have at lest an hour I got really stressed out and would always forget to do something or forget something important on my way out the door. I was already stressed enough as it was. I put on a pot of lavender tea and some music before picking out my clothes and jumping in the shower.

I wore the classic little black dress, it was part silk and part cotton made in a geek robe wrapping style which crossed over the breast and tied in the back. It was flattering to my figure but no cleavage showed, a little bit of mid thigh but that was all. I didn't want to send the wrong message...but I also didn't want to become matte sitting next to Joanna’s sparkle. I would not say I was vain, but it was as simple as this: if I looked good, I felt good. If I looked like crap, I felt like crap. I felt the most comfortable when I thought I was attractive, not for the attention of others, it was simply because I loved the way I looked and it was important to ME. I left my legs bare and wore black leather pumps with the round toe. I stood before my mirror and shook my hair out so it appeared tussled. I smiled as I saw a sensual young woman grinning back at me. I was sexy, but still classy.

I thought about how much I missed my mother as I realized I learned all my fashion tips from her. I sighed and decided I would call home tomorrow, it would be too early there right now.

I finished my make up with forty minutes still to spear. I hated when this happened too because now I had all that time to get nervous.

”You and Ville have done nothing wrong...yet...oh dear Anne Rice, you know, you know this isn't going to end well. One of three things could happen; one, you and Ville...do something not innocent and Joanna finds out, they break up, Ville blames you, and you're left with a broken heart and a guilty conscience. Two; you lose it and kiss Ville and he says he can't see you anymore and your heartbroken...and three you could just stop seeing him and break your own heart...it would be easier to do now rather than let your feelings grow anymore than they already have.”

I sighed and locked my apartment before walking through the park to clear my thoughts and kill more time.

~*~

Ville was worried what it was exactly that Joanna was doing. Maybe she wanted to confront Miriah in front of him and ask her if she was fucking him. “Please for the love of Ozzy, no. Let it just be her vanity! I don't want to lose Miriah over this...I feel more for her than to let it end like this.”

Ville came downstairs and entered the room off of the kitchen, where Joanna wanted the dinning room to be. He entered the room and saw she'd cleared off the oval cherry wood dinning table and set it up with white candles in silver holders. She came in from behind him, brushing her behind against him as she walked past holding a pot that was steaming. Joanna placed the dish on the table and turned to Ville with a sly grin.

“I hope she likes it, I don't see why she shouldn't as from what I know about her we share similar tastes.” Ville's hope that she was genuinely trying to reach out to him disappeared as he realized what she was really saying. He narrowed his eyes at her and was about to make a nasty comment back when the door bell rang.

“I'll get it,” Joanna snapped before Ville even had the chance to think. She darted past him like the wind, and he sighed heavily to himself as he let her go.

“Joanna...if you ever loved me at all you won't chase her away...”

~*~

Joanna opened the door and it was the first time I was ever face to face with someone I actually envied. It made me mad and unconformable to not be able to feel anything for her but contempt. She didn't deserve that, she had done nothing wrong to me...yet.

“Oh hello, you must be Miriah! Oh please come in! Come in!” She waved and pulled me towards her. I took a glance around the tower. It was like something out of a dark fairy-tale, all open wood and stone walls. I met Joanna's green eyes as she turned from locking the door and noticed her eyes running up and down my body, lingering on my face. “She's sizing me up as I'm sizing her up...” Joanna was a beautiful woman, with a tall, graceful willowy figure and long, dark brown flowing hair, she reminded one of a Scandinavian princess. What was I next to her? A gypsy peasant? None the less I sensed I still made her feel defensive. I wasn't drop dead like her, but I wasn't ugly either. I considered myself fairly attractive although I was and am still unsure of how others preserve me. I had never before been the kind of girl to compare myself to others and feel jealous-especially over a man but I had never felt about a man the way I felt about Ville.

“It's nice to meet you finally, you have a beautiful home.” I gave her a genuine smile-a smile of peace and she accepted it, for the time being.

“Oh thank you, Ville's in the dinning room already. Please forgive the boxes...with Ville's work and my work nothing much has gotten unpacked.” I noticed this as we walked down a hall way stacked full with boxes. The room ahead opened up a and I felt my face heat up and my heart leap in my chest as mine and Ville's eyes met. He froze too, and for a second everything stopped...the boxes and walls and Joanna's all melted away and it was just me and Ville and the floating flames of the candles in a warm, embracing darkness. I shook myself as Ville reached out to give me a small, very short, greeting hug. The contact, the feel of his arms around me, if only for a second had my head spinning in circles.

“This was going to be a long night...”