Star Riddled Skies

I'm still so happy when I'm waiting for the bell to ring for lunch two lessons later, though I've never known double period Tech. go so slow. Ra and I had been sat on our table for the last five minutes, eager to get out of here. I clutch my neon pink tote bag to my shoulder and swing my feet, perched on the edge of the table, ready to throw myself at the door.

Zach had text me earlier, telling me he'd wait for me outside whichever lesson I had before lunch, and he asked me whether it was stupid that he missed me already. I said it wasn't, of course, and that I missed him too.

I find I'm staring out the window, listening for the bell and not really concentrating, until I see a mop of black hair and pale face. I snap out of whatever I was in and a smile forces its way onto my lips.

I lift my hand and wave at Zach, who smiles even brighter and waves back. I still can't quite believe it's happening, even though I haven’t shut up about it for the last two lessons, Ra smiling like a proud parent at me.

Zach points at the door and I nod, looking round and seeing that our teacher is somewhere in the store cupboard, and I dart forward through the desks of scowling chavs and loners to pull open the door. I slip through it and I see Ra staring at me, one eyebrow raised, in a look that says, "What're you doing, but go for it!"

Zach meets me a little way away from the door, so we can't be seen, and the sun seems far too hot for March. Zach smiles and as I reach him his left hand just runs through my hair a little, before he pulls my body against his in a tight hug. His lips meet me cheek for a second, maybe two, but it's all I need.

We don't need to be kissing every second, or half hour makeout sessions when we've been apart for two lessons. He's all I need and his lips on my cheek are far enough.

I rest my head on his shoulder until we pull away and he smiles, just like me, "Hey..."

I smile too, "Hey."

Zach looks down and takes my hand and I squeeze my fingers round his. We start walking in the general direction of the quad, and we don't need to say a thing, just hold each other's hands and know we're someone's.

We settle on the wall, and I say hi to Matt and Ollie, who're sat on the repaired or new bench, trying to have a fag in secret. I smile and squeeze Zach's hands, expecting him to let go and stay there, but we both go and sit next to Matt and Ollie, Matt nonchalantly holding a cigarette beneath the bench.

"Sup niggas." He says, smiling, and despite what people say, Matt's not racist – it's quite a friendly term for him.

Zach and I both reply, and I glance at him and smile even more. The sun filters through the layers in his hair and makes me squint to look at him, and his eyes seem to shine despite being in the shade.

"So, are you two...?" Ollie says, gesturing to our hands, and we both smile even brighter if that’s possible.

"Yep." Zach says, and I detect a little pride in his voice and he squeezes my hand tight, "I asked her out at break."

I blush for some inexplicable reason, and nod to confirm Zach's story. Matt and Ollie glance at each other, and Ollie hands over a five-pound note to his brother and sighs a little.

"I said lunch," He explains, as Matt pockets the note and takes a long look round for teachers, before taking a drag off his cigarette.

"And I said break so ha." He says, billowing smoke from the corner of his mouth.

"C'mon." Zach says in my ear, squeezing my hand again, and standing up behind me.

"Hang on a sec." I say, looking around before tearing the cigarette from Matt's hands and taking a drag. I offer it to Zach and he takes a drag too before handing it back to Matt.

We go to stand in the main group, Ra, Justin, Bleach, Carter, and about ten others, 99% of which who are smiling. I see one person, stood on the edge of the group, scowl firmly set, right at Zach.

Sam.

If looks could kill, there'd be no existence, and I don’t feel sorry at all. I just feel frustrated. I smile at him, and wave a little with my free hand.

Zach notices and moves so he's stood behind me, and links his other hand with mine, resting them on my stomach. I notice the way his hands fit in mine perfectly, resting just below my ribcage, and I lean back against him.

Sam nearly winces, and just turns away, going to talk to someone else.

"Ash?" Zach whispers in my ear, and I shiver, "Dya wanna go get some food?"

Even though I'm holding his hand and he asked me out, I still feel scared. I feel scared that if I start eating properly again, he'll realise I'm fat and leave me. I'm used to the headaches and sickly feelings anyway, and I'm thin, so its okay.

Everything right, and I don’t want to mess it up.

I just shake my head, and stare at the ground.

"Ash…" He knows something's up. He's just like that, "Are you okay?"

He stares right into my eyes, and I get the compulsion to tell him everything, tell him I think I'm fat, tell him I'm a recovering anorexic and bulimic, tell him he deserves someone thinner and less obsessive.

I open and close my mouth a few times, blood rushing to my face, "I..." I just shake my head and look down at my feet, covered in the rocketdog flats I try to get away with wearing.

I hear footsteps and suddenly Ra sticks her head between us, purple red hair glowing.

"Scuse us a second Zach, leme borrow your girlfriend." She smiles sweetly at me but her eyes tell a different story.

For a moment I wonder who Zach's girlfriend is, until, when I stop being slow, I smile wide and realise it's me. I squeeze Zach's hands and let go of them, noting how strange my fingers feel without his.

Ra drags me a little way away from everyone, out of earshot, and holds my wrists between us, "What's with this Ash?"

I shrug and feel the blood rush to my face as I nervously chew my bottom lip, I know exactly what she's on about. But I don’t want to let that on, "What?"

"You know well what Ash." Ra says firmly, shaking my wrists.

"Ra, I..." I look down, and Ra loosens her grip on my left hand to lift my face up and look her in the eye.

"Ash, he's with you, he likes you, so much. How can you think this about yourself?" She shakes her head softly, "Ash... you're so pretty and funny and you're thin, Ash. Please stop this, you're fine how you are, Zach likes you way too much..."

"But Ra..." I say, squeezing her hands a little and biting my lip, "I don’t know if I can..."

She sighs and drops my wrists, pulling me in for a rib crushing hug, "You can," She says in my ear, "Just go back to your boyfriend and take his hand, and go to the canteen and have something in your stomach for once."

"Alright." I say back in her ear. I breathe in, and out, and I'm aware of my ribs against Ra, "Alright."

She smiles and kisses my forehead, "You can do this babe, you can, I promise."

I smile back at her, and I feel a little block in my chest. I wonder if I really can, maybe I could just do it in secret.

She gives me a little push in the small of my back, and I hurry back over to Zach, who smiles at me, removing his hands from his blazer pocket and holding them out to me. I take them and hold them tight, leaning into his chest and seeing an Iron Fist shirt beneath his school one. I stare at the pattern and breathe in his smell.

It makes me smile, and I lean back just a little, "To the canteen?"

"I thought you didn’t want anything." Zach says softly, lifting the sentence into a question at the end, eyebrows furrowing.

"Nah." I shake my head a little, drop his left hand, so we're walking side by side and his hand is squeezing mine so tight, the material of his BMTH wristband pressed against my own skeletal wrist.

We jam our way, hands still linked, through the crowds of chavs and preps and really, really annoying year nines, who think they're the princess of the fucking world. I scowl as one of them says something disgusting to us, and Zach grips my hand tighter, and I see the muscle in his jaw flicker in anger.

"C'mon..." I say softly, tugging on his hand to try and calm him down a little.

"Yeah..." He says, staring down at me, looking back at the group of sneering girls and boys, then back at me, "Yeah."

He squeezes my hand again as we join the queue for the snacks in the canteen, the smell of teenagers with too much perfume, sweat, body outdoor and hairspray thick in the air. I got the hairspray, of course, I was a culprit for that, and I loved the smell.

I'm knocked from my trance as I jiggle my blazer in my other hand, and realise I've got no money, at all.

"Zach, I've got no money..." I say, tugging on his hand to get his attention.

"So? I'll buy it."

I chew my lip uncertainly, knowing he wont let me go without food, "Okay... but I'll only get a muffin then."

He shakes his head, "Nope. Full meal and everything."

We reach the surly looking dinner lady at a till, and Zach asks for his sandwich, cake and drink, then turns to me, "What sandwich doll?"

I blush and feel my heart stop for a second at his name, "Cheese salad?" I say uncertainly, and he smiles.

"Apple juice and a chocolate muffin?"

"Zach, I-"

"Yes or no doll?"

I nod and feel a little guilty at taking his money as the woman hands him two sandwiches, two little bottles of apple juice, and two chocolate muffins. We find a small table with not too much rubbish on it, and move our chairs as close together as possible.

I take his warm hand again, and we somehow manage to eat our lunch one handed. I smile at him and shove my muffin wrapper into my sandwich box, and watch Zach as he fishes the crumbs from the bottom of his wrapper and press them to his lips.

When he's finished he looks up at me and I feel him jump a little since I'm staring. I look away, and blush, before I realise I don’t know why I am, and look firmly back in his eyes.

He bites his lip and stares back at me, and we're both transfixed, unable to move. We stay like that because I've lost all time perception, but someone walks straight into my curved back, almost knocking me off the chair I'm perched on. Zach pulls me back up with an arm round my ribcage.

"Twats." He says darkly, looking from under his fringe and the Burberry wearing idiot who was now smirking in our direction. We both stand up, and I feel a twang of pain in my back. I bruise easily, and I know tomorrow I'll have a purple black mess across my spine.

I remember Zach and his black eyes and his aching ribs and sad face and messed up family, and I realise that a bruise on my back from a chav isn't all that bad. I rub my back gingerly, then watch Zach as he glares at the table of laughing chavs. I tug on his hand and pull him away from the table.

We join the gang back in the quad, and we're all sat in a group on the cleanest part of the quad floor. I sit in between Zach's legs and lean back against his chest, his arms wrapped round my stomach, holding my close.

I feel a feeling rush through me from his fingers all over my body, from my toes right to my nose, and it's the best feeling in the world.

I feel wanted.