There Is No I In Love

Tucker stared at himself in the bathroom mirror. His eyes were puffy and his shoulder-length blonde hair was a mess. He was a mess in general. His vision wasn’t the greatest, but he refused to wear glasses; he didn’t think they looked bad on him, he just didn’t want to wear them. Didn’t want to worry about forgetting them or losing them. He just didn’t want to be bothered.

He ran the sink until the water was ice cold and cupped his hands under the faucet, splashing the liquid on his face until he felt more awake. His phone vibrated on the counter, and for a moment he smiled.

He picked up his blackberry and viewed the message after wiping his hands on his boxer shorts. Nate, Tuckers best friend, always sent him texts in the morning. They usually said the same thing, but Tucker always enjoyed receiving messages from Nate.

Good morning Tucker! I’m going to get an egg sandwich at the deli, lemme know what you want. :)

The teen bit his pierced lip and sighed. He wasn’t a morning person and he definitely wasn’t a breakfast person, but he knew that Nate would give him a speech about how important breakfast was so he gave in.

Plain bagel with cream cheese. Thanks Nate, I’ll give you the money for it later.

Tucker looked at himself once more in the mirror before exiting the bathroom. He put on the same jeans that he wore the day before and searched his floor for a semi-clean shirt to wear. He was a typical 17 year old boy. His room looked like a tornado hit it but he knew where everything was.

After he finished getting dressed and ran a brush through his hair he gathered his school things and headed down the stairs. He tried to be quiet as he did so because his baby sister was still asleep in her crib. He let out a breath when he reached the bottom of the stairs, thankful that he didn’t wake his sister up.

Tucker hoped that his father left for work early; he didn’t like talking to him or seeing him. His father was a good man, a hard working man who would do anything for his wife and kids, but he was a narrow-minded man as well. Not a good person to have a conversation with in Tucker’s case. They didn’t agree on anything, and they always butt heads no matter what the circumstance.

With Tucker’s luck, or lack thereof, Mr. Connolly was sitting at the kitchen table with a newspaper in his hands.

Tucker thought he could sneak by without him saying anything but he didn’t get out of the doorway without his dad hearing him.

“Tuck,” Tucker hated his name shortened. He hated the way it sounded, especially coming from his dads mouth. “Morning.”

“Morning. I’m going to school now. I’ll come home later. Nate and I are going to study together,” he said hoisting his backpack over his right shoulder.

“Excuse me I didn’t hear a question in that sentence. You don’t get to tell me what you’re doing. You ask,” he put his paper down and raised his eyebrow at his son.

Tucker clenched his fist. “Sorry. Can I go over to Nate’s house to study after school?”

Mr. Connolly shrugged. “You know Tuck, I always say this but I’ll say it again. I like Nathaniel, he’s a nice kid. But I don’t like you spending so much time with him. I get the vibe that he’s a faggot. I don‘t have anything against faggots, I just don’t want him rubbing it off on you, you know what I’m trying to say?”

Tucker resisted a strong urge to deck his dad in the face.

“Calling him a faggot contradicts you saying you don’t have a problem with it. You obviously do. I don’t care whether he’s gay or not dad, he’s my friend. You’re right, he’s a nice guy. That’s all that should matter,” he crossed his arms. “I have to go. I hope that we don’t have this talk again.”

Tucker knew that Nate was gay but he would never tell his dad, it would be an entirely different battle.

Mr. Connolly got up from his chair and pointed a finger at Tucker. “Son you better think before you talk to me that way again. I won’t have that, not in my house. Now go.”

Tucker said nothing; he turned his back and walked out of his house. He always got so heated, so angry when his dad said those things about Nate. Not only was he degrading Nate he was degrading his own son without even knowing it. There were nights when Tucker cried himself to sleep because he didn’t want to be gay, he knew he couldn’t be, his father wouldn’t let him be. It never worked. Nothing he did changed him. But in a way he was glad, because he didn’t want to be something he wasn’t. He would rather be gay and happy rather than straight and miserable; although he was starting to become a mixture of gay and miserable.

The teen pushed the angry thoughts out of his head and got in his car. He searched around for his cigarettes but when he found the carton he realized it was empty. He had a feeling it would be a bad day; and he hated it.

Tucker drove without music because he wanted silence for five minutes. He didn’t want to hear anything he just wanted it to be quiet. The windows were slightly cracked because he had a broken air conditioner that he kept meaning to get fixed but never did because it was fall already and he wouldn’t need it.

When Tucker saw Nate’s bright and shining face waiting for him at the entrance to the school, everything seemed like it was going to be okay. Nate had no idea how much his friendship meant to Tucker. Nate was Tucker’s safe place, his happy place. In their decade of friendship they never fought, not once, not even about anything stupid. They got along so well all the time.

Nate handed Tucker his bagel. “Thanks Nate, how much was it?”

The brunette shook his head. “It was like 2 dollars don’t worry about it. Pretty sure you bought me a latte a few days ago and I never paid you back. It’s even.”

Tucker smirked. Nate always found ways to make Tucker’s bad day better without even trying.

“If you say so,” he said, unwrapping the bagel from it’s paper. “Um I’m sorry I didn’t check with you first but I sort of told my dad I was studying at your house after school…”

Nate looked at his friend with a confused expression. “Tucker, you’re at my house all the time it’s not a problem.”

Tucker nodded his head and started walking into the building. “Good. I- you know I don’t like to complain but…I really cant stand being in my house right now. I don’t know why my dad and I can’t coexist. I’m sorry, I’m sure you don’t want to hear it-”

Nate stopped walking which caused Tucker to do the same. “Tucker never think that. I’m your friend of course I want to hear what you have to say. You can tell me anything. And if things are rough at your house you know you could always stay at mine.”

Tucker felt so relieved that Nate was on his side. He didn’t know what he would do if he didn’t have Nate. His life would be so much different. He wouldn’t be the same person.

“We haven’t had a sleepover in years,” Tucker laughed, remembering the nights that that stayed up until 3 in the morning just being idiots.

“So what? It would be fun. I think you should seriously consider it. I mean we’re not 12 years old anymore but still.”

Tucker started to walk again and he took a bite out of his bagel, allowing Nate to continue speaking.

“We don’t have to talk about anything, we can just hang out and then go to sleep. It’s up to you. I’m just trying to help, you know?”

“You’ll never know how much I appreciate it. You’re a really good friend, Nate.”

Tucker never realized how much impact the word ‘friend’ had on Nate. He grew to hate the word. Because he loved Tucker, he wanted to be more than just an appreciated friend, but he didn’t know if he would ever have the courage to tell him how he really felt.