There Is No I In Love

Tucker was really starting to let his feelings for Nate get the best of him. Nate liking Chase as a friend wasn’t a problem. Nate liking Chase as more than a friend wasn’t a problem either…at first.

Tucker wanted Nate to be with someone. He wanted Nate to be happy, and he wanted his friend to have everything he wanted. But the more he heard Nate talk about the younger teen, the more frustrated Tucker got. The more he started to dislike Chase. He didn’t want to, it was more of a reaction.

Every time Tucker saw Nate’s face light up when he received or sent out a text, he knew it was Chase causing him to smile, and it made Tucker angry.

The three of them had hung out together twice. Twice was enough for Tucker. Nate and Chase weren’t together, but Tucker saw how they looked at each other; he knew that it was only a matter of time before Chase asked him out.

The teen didn’t want to have such feelings for Nate, and so he decided that he needed to stop. It wasn’t fair to Nate or to himself. It was going to be tough to let Nate go, but it was something that he knew he had to do. Maybe if the circumstances were different there would be a chance for them, but Tucker didn’t think so.

Tucker didn’t think Nate would want to be with someone like him. They worked as friends, and that was it. They had fun together, but there wasn’t any romantic connection. Tucker wondered if that was because they never tried. Maybe if they wanted to be together they could, or…maybe not.

He hated thinking about it, because it only upset him. He wanted to be happy. The only way for that to happen was to stop thinking about Nate in a more-than-friends kind of way. That’s what he wanted. That’s what he had to do.

“Tucker, are you okay? You look completely zoned out,’ Nate said, stopping his swing abruptly.

Nate suggested they go to the park; it was a beautiful November evening, and they wouldn’t get one this sunny for a while, so Nate wanted to take advantage.

Tucker stopped his swing as well, and nodded. “Yeah, sorry. I just have a lot on my mind.”

Nate frowned. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Tucker shook his head. “No. I’m fine. My mind just wanders, you know? It’s nothing specific.”

Tucker didn’t enjoy lying to Nate, in fact, he rarely lied to Nate because of how much he hated it. Also, Nate could usually tell when he was lying.

“I know there’s something. You don’t have to tell me. But if you want, when you’re ready to, you can.”

Tucker sighed. Nate kept giving him reasons to feel for him. Why couldn’t he just be imperfect like everyone else?

“There is something. I would tell you anything, you know that. I’d just rather not. It’s not so terrible that I can’t tell you it’s just…personal. I trust you with everything but this is just something I have to cope with on my own. I know I’m upsetting you by saying that, I know you just want to help. But you can’t.”

Nate was usually passive; not passive aggressive, just passive. But for a moment he was feeling ambitious. He got off of his swing and stood in front of his friend. He looked at him straight in the eyes and tried to search him for an answer.

“You don’t know that. You’re my best friend. I’d do anything to help you. If you just tell me- maybe I can. I have faith that I can.”

Tucker’s hand gripped the chains of his swing.

“It has nothing to do with faith. I promise. It’s out of your hands. It’s out of mine. It’s stupid. Please stop worrying about it. I want us to have fun when we hang out, not dwell on my problems. Can we do that, can we just not think about anything and have fun?”

Nate didn’t want to drop the conversation, but he did. He did because he could tell how anxious Tucker sounded.

“Sure,” the brunette said and went to return to his swing. But he changed his mind and went behind Tucker. “I’m going to push you,” he said quietly. “Just close your eyes, Tucker. Clear your head.”

This caught the older teen by surprise. He hadn’t been pushed on a swing since he was about 3 years old. As confused as he was, he listened to his friend and shut his eyes.

All he felt was the crisp wind hitting his face and neck. It was somewhat relaxing. He wasn’t cold, but he wasn’t warm either. He was in the middle. For a quick second he was content; until he started to really think about what was happening.

Nate was pushing him; not pulling, not like people really pull people, but Nate was pushing him. Tucker had an abstract mind, and it led him to believe that Nate was pushing him away. Tucker never took anything literally. Sure, he was on a swing, he knew where he was. It would be absurd to think anything else. But Nate suggested going to the park, Nate brought up Tucker’s issues, and Nate decided to push him. Everything was on Nate. Everything was just so.

And it made Tucker sad all over again. But he accepted it. It’s what Nate wanted. He wanted to be at the park and push Tucker away. As long as he retracted him back, Tucker didn’t mind. He knew that was the way it was going to be.

Nate pushed Tucker for a while; longer than Tucker thought he would push him. When he stopped, Tucker’s head was clear of the thoughts he had previously. His head was filled with new thoughts to terrorize his mind. But they were welcomed.

“Thanks, Nate.”

The younger teen smiled and shrugged sheepishly. “No problem. Do you want to leave now? Or do you want to stay?”

Tucker didn’t know what he wanted to do. Either way, it didn’t matter. He just wanted to be with Nate. Nate made it seem like everything was going to be alright for once. He didn’t feel like that with anyone.

“It’s up to you. I mean. It’s nice out, but we’ve been here a while. You know what, why don’t we go back to my house? We could make hot chocolate. Or something else.”

Nate nodded in agreement. “Sounds good to me.”

~

Nate knew he had a text from Chase waiting for him, but he didn’t want to take out his phone and read it for some reason. He never hesitated to before, but he started to think that it was rude. Tucker never texted anyone while he was spending time with Nate. It was only fair that he did the same.

“Here you go,” Tucker said handing Nate his warm cup of cocoa.

Nate thought it was nice of Tucker to give him his first. Nate always noticed how sweet Tucker was, even if Tucker wasn’t trying to be sweet. Sometimes he just was.

The brunette took a small sip in fear of burning his lip. “Mmm it’s so good. What kind is it? Swiss Miss?”

Tucker smirked. “You loser. You even know your hot chocolate brands.”

Nate took another sip. “Well it was a lucky guess. Don’t make fun of me. I’ll cover your car in post-its.”

Tucker laughed. “You wouldn’t.”

“Oh I would. Watch. Tomorrow when you look out of your window you’re going to have a pink and yellow car.”

Tucker bit his lip. “I’m starting to think you really are going to. But you won’t. I know you. Then again, sometimes you come up with crazy ideas and such. Maybe you will.”

“You’re going to find out.”

Nate didn’t have intentions of sticky-noting Tucker’s car. His car was quite big; it would take a long time to cover. Maybe he would just do one side, or maybe just the back. He was going to do it; Tucker doubted him, and he couldn’t have that.

“I guess I will.”

His pocket vibrated twice, and he felt bad for ignoring Chase, so he caved and took out his phone. He had three different messages from the younger teen.

Hey you. How was your day? Good I hope. I just wanted to let you know that my band is playing a show this weekend and I was wondering if you would come and see us? It’s only our second one ever but we’ve been practicing a lot and I’m really excited. It won’t be the same without you there. So tell me you’ll come? It’s Saturday at 7 PM.

=[

I guess not.

Nate‘s heart started to race. He quickly typed up a white lie excuse as to why he didn’t answer him for two hours, and he said he would love to attend his show.

He also made a mental note in his head to never ignore Chase’s texts again. He felt way too terrible about it. It scared him because he started to realize just how much Chase was starting to mean to him.