There Is No I In Love

Tucker stayed in his room all day and didn’t do much of anything. He wanted to go out and see Nate but he couldn’t, because Nate was with Chase. Tucker was invited but he didn’t want to intrude on their date.

He was so jealous and he hated himself for it. It took everything for him to keep his true feelings inside. Tucker never wanted Nate to know how he truly felt, but now that he did it was too late/

Nate was so happy and Tucker didn’t want him to feel bad about that. Nate deserved everything that Chase had to offer. He seemed to be a really nice guy, and that should have sat well with Tucker, but it didn’t. He almost wanted Chase to be horrible so he could ‘save’ Nate from the relationship. Tucker knew thinking something like that was pretty much sick, but he couldn’t help it.

He wanted Nate and that was that.

Tucker sighed and got up from his bed, and he made his way into his little sisters room. Holding her and talking to her was so therapeutic. He couldn’t wait until she got older so they could bond more. It would be a while, especially since he was technically old enough to be her father, but he didn't mind waiting.

Kacee was still awake, sitting upright in her crib. Tucker smiled as he reached down and picked her up. She kicked her legs into his arm and rocked her head into his chest.

“Ow Kacee, you’re too strong for a baby. Listen you, and listen good. I need to vent and you need to cooperate,” he said with a playful tone to his voice.

He sat down in his step-mom’s rocking chair and began to rock back and forth; for Kacee, and as a result of a nervous habit.

“So here’s the story,” he began, kissing her tiny hand before continuing. “You know Nate. He’s my best friend. Since way before you were born. He’s been here for me through everything. And I’ve liked him for a long time. But dad…he won’t let me like him. I mean, he can’t stop me. But he won’t let me do anything about it. It’s killing me, Kacee. Because I think I’m jealous of Nate’s boyfriend. I shouldn’t be. That’s wrong. I should be happy that Nate is happy.”

Tucker rocked slower and slower until he came to a complete stop. “Because now everything was put into perspective for me and I no longer I think I like Nate…I’m starting to feel like I might love him. I’d literally do anything for him. If he wanted me to pack up everything and just leave here to be with him? Oh my god, Kacee- I’d do it in a heartbeat. Isn’t that crazy? The feeling I get when I see him or just know I’m going to see him soon is indescribable. You know me, I’m not like that- well actually you‘re the only one that knows I‘m like that. You see a side of me that no one does. And I want to show it to Nate. But I can’t.”
As Kacee started to settle and close her eyes Tucker held her close and cuddled her.

“Maybe things will work out. Maybe Nate will break up with Chase and I can tell him how I feel. Then we can be together. I sound like a sap. I never wanted to be this way. He just does things to me that can’t be explained. I hope you never have to go through this. I’ll make sure that you don’t. You sleep now, Kacee. Thanks for listening to me.”

Tucker smiled softly and put his sister back into her crib.

He turned to exit the nursery but stopped dead in his tracks when he saw his father standing there with his arms folded.

“Before you even ask- I heard what I needed to hear.” His father said in a deathly tone.

Tucker swallowed hard and scratched his arm. “I didn’t know you were standing there. I-”

“Obviously you didn’t. Come into your room and talk to me.”

Tucker’s stomach felt like it was rock solid, and he wanted to disappear. Never in his life had he been more afraid of his dad. He had no idea what was going to happen to him. He thought he was going to be thrown out. How would he say goodbye to his sister? He loved her so much.

His heavy feet led him across the hall into his room to face his dad. Mr. Connolly’s face was emotionless, which scared Tucker even more. But as frightened as he was, there was no turning back, and he had to at least stand his ground to muster up any dignity that he might have had left.

“I tell her things that I can't tell you,” the teen said, and tried to look his father straight in the eye.

“What, that you’re a faggot?” Mr. Connolly shook his head. “I knew you shouldn’t have hung out with that boy. I should have known this would happen.”

Tucker cringed at his father’s harsh words. “My gayness has nothing to do with Nate. I know you’d never want to believe it but I was actually born gay. I didn‘t chose this.”

A strong finger was pointed at his face. “Don’t you say that. No son of mine was born like that. You were born normal. But don’t worry, Tuck. We can fix this. What you need to do is stop hanging out with that faggot, or any other faggots and start dating nice girls. You just need to be pointed in the right direction.”

Tucker almost couldn’t believe his ears. “Are you kidding me? You think if I date girls I’ll miraculously turn straight? It doesn’t work like that, dad. I’m sorry, but I’m gay. I like guys. There’s nothing I can do.”

Mr. Connolly’s face finally showed signs of anger. His eyebrows nearly touched and his lips were pursed.

“You do not talk to me like that,” he yelled and smacked his son across the face for the first time in 17 years.

Tucker didn’t touch his cheek, he accepted that he was hit and tried to take it like the man his father didn’t think he was.

“Don’t you think I would change if I could? Who would ask for this? Why do you think I talk to someone who can’t talk back about it? You have no idea what this has done to me. And you don’t even care!” Tucker shouted.

Mr. Connolly squinted his eyes at his son and bit his lip. “I’m trying to help you, Tuck. You’re confused. You must be. I don’t know what I’ll do if this carries on. You’ll give me no choice but to send you away. I don’t want to do that. Please help yourself and make the right decision.”

Tucker’s heart dropped and he started to breathe heavier.

“What do you want me to do?”

He wasn’t giving in, he was honestly curious as to what his father was going to say. He’d rather be homeless than be denied every day by his own flesh and blood. He wished his mother was still around. Maybe she would actually be on his side. Things would be so different if she had been there, or at least that’s what Tucker would like to think.

“Do as I said. Never talk to Nate again and Lord help me if you’ve participated in anything homosexual. You just haven‘t found the right girl. Maybe you need a more experienced girl- one that knows what she’s doing in bed, you know what I mean, son?”

Tucker bit back a laugh. “You’re going to pull that on me? Picking and choosing what part of the Bible you want to believe in? You realize you’re telling me not to be with someone I love but it’s okay to have sex with as many girls as I want without being married. Is that it?”

Tucker didn’t give his dumbfounded father a moment to collect a retaliating thought. “Well let me tell you something. I’ve had sex with a fair amount of girls who were plenty experienced and you know what? It did nothing for me. Absolutely nothing.”

The teen grabbed his wallet and keys that were on his dresser. “Pray for me, dad. Because I like having sex with guys. And I love Nate. Deal with it or be prepared to never see me again.”