There Is No I In Love

Nate had a dream about Tucker. It wasn’t a normal dream, but it wasn’t a sex dream either. It was somewhere in the middle. There was no intercourse between them, but there didn’t need to be. Nate remembered the dream so vividly after he woke up. He remembered Tucker smiling at him and kissing him on the lips. He remembered touching Tucker’s skin and he loved how it felt; it felt so soft and so perfect. Nate wished it had really happened, but no matter how much he wanted it, it just never did. And it wouldn’t unless he made a move.

The brunette hugged his body pillow and closed his eyes for a moment. He wanted to fall back asleep and continue his dream even though he knew it was wrong. Nate didn’t want to have romantic dreams about his best friend, but there wasn't anything he could do about it.

The thought of never being able to have Tucker the way he wanted made his heart sink inside of his chest. He wasn’t lonely, but he was at the same time. He knew he was missing the only thing that he needed.

He lied in his bed for a few more minutes until he had to get up.

“Nate, are you up?” Nate’s sister asked from outside of his door.

“Yeah, Lace.” He said sleepily, rubbing his eyes and yawning. “I promise I’m up.”

“Dad made apple cinnamon pancakes. Mom’s gonna eat them all if you don’t go down and get some. Oh and can you drive me to school please? I kinda missed the bus.”

“Awesome! I love dads pancakes. Yes of course. For a price. Just kidding, I don’t mind. But I can’t drive you home, so make sure you catch the bus.”

His sister came in his room without warning; he was glad he was still dressed.

“That’s fine. You’re going to Tucker’s house after school?”

“Yup. Why?”

Nate went into his closet to change so he wouldn’t waste time. He was always on time, unlike Tucker. Tucker was usually late, but that didn’t bother Nate, he was fine with waiting for him wherever they went.

“Well you’re always there. Or he’s here. I don’t even know why I asked. It’s a given. You’d think there was something going on between you guys.”

Nate frowned. “There’s not.”

He picked out a pair of skinny jeans, short sleeved shirt, and a light hoodie. He didn’t know if it was going to rain or not, so he always wore some sort of jacket. He was almost glad that summer was over because he loved the fall. It was his favorite season. And Tucker’s birthday was the day before Halloween. They always went to haunted houses and sometimes they went pumpkin picking too.

After he was clothed he took out his phone and sent Tucker a text saying that he’d meet him in the front of the school.

“I know. I don’t know if you know that, though.”

Nate slipped on a black pair of Vans and exited his closet.

“What do you mean by that, Lacey?” He asked a little bit too defensively.

His sister folded her arms and shrugged. “You told me you liked him a while ago. You keep saying you’re just friends but I don’t see it that way. I mean…I don’t blame you Nate, Tucker is hot but…it’s obvious that you want to be his boyfriend.”

Nate pointed his finger at the small girl. “Don’t say that,” he put his finger down. “Okay, you’re right. I can’t lie to you. I do still like him. But it’s not going to happen. Never. Not in a million years so-”

“So find someone else, Nate. I know it sounds crazy but I’m serious. I may be younger than you but at least I’ve had a boyfriend; no offense. You can’t keep waiting for him to feel something for you. Because this is what is going to happen…you’re going to keep liking him, and he’s going to remain clueless, then he’s going to be with someone else, and your heart will be broken. I don’t want that to happen. So take my advice, Nate, please.”

Lacey was 10 months younger than him; they were technically the same age number-wise, but they were in different grades. Nate was a healthy baby, but when his mom was pregnant with Lacey, Nate started to show signs of severe respiratory problems. His parents thought Lacey was conceived because they were going to lose Nate, and they didn‘t know what they were going to do if that were the case. Nate’s survival was both a mystery and a miracle.

“I know. I am so afraid of that day coming. When he finds someone. Because I want it to be me.”

His sister offered a small smile.

“Tell him how you feel, or try to see what else is out there. This may sound really messed up but maybe when he sees you with someone it will open his eyes. I’m not saying to use a guy to make Tucker jealous I’m just saying the expression ‘you don’t know what you have until it’s gone’ may not be to far from the truth here.”

Nate sighed and nodded. “Mhm. Thanks Lace. You always give good advice. I’ll think about it and see what I want to do.”

Lacey shut the door behind her as she left.

Nate couldn’t get a boyfriend. He just went on a tangent the other day about not wanting one and how pointless it would be. How dumb would he look if he turned into a hypocrite and got a boyfriend? Pretty dumb. And Tucker wouldn’t trust anything he said after that. Nate didn’t want Tucker to think he was a liar. But he didn’t want to tell him he loved him either.

It was a lose-lose situation for him.

Nate made a decision about his predicament. He told himself that he would stop having feelings for Tucker. He was going to quit Tucker cold turkey. If only Tucker could do the same with smoking they would have a nice even task to accomplish but that wasn’t the case.

Nate knew that he was going to end up hurt; just like his sister said. He was too smart to allow that to happen. He was going to stop viewing Tucker in a romantic way and concentrate on their friendship. That’s what Tucker needed…a friend. He was having problems at home with his parents and he confided in Nate, and Nate was there for support.

I bought a chai tea latte and hot chocolate from Starbucks. I wasn’t sure which one you’d want so you can pick, and I’ll have whichever one you don’t want. See ya when you get here.

Tucker wasn’t making it easy for Nate to stop liking him. He was always so thoughtful and sweet when it came to Nate, and unfortunately Nate was the only one that got to see that side of him. It made Nate feel special but it also mad him sad. Tucker was such an amazing person but he held back all the time.

Nate wanted to help Tucker come out of his shell and be more outgoing but he realized that Tucker was the way he was and he wasn’t ever going to change, at least not in the near future; but that was okay, because Nate liked him just the way he was.