Listen to Me

I didn't want to forget about it. I didn't want to pretend it never happened.

I've never been with a guy before - never even flirted with one. I am really not comfortable with my sexuality. Even having Rory around puts me on edge.

It was embarrassing at first when he walked in on me, but then I saw how his eyes trailed over my body. And I want to know... if he liked what he saw.

I was going for a run. Dakrem's campus bridges off into this woodland area, so it's great for taking an escape from the world and it's problems. And lately, I've been running away from my problems a lot.

The adrenaline rush I get, my brain putting all focus into working my body, it's a great distraction.

I headed back to the dorm about a half hour later, feeling refreshed even though I probably smelled rank from sweat. I expected Jon to be there because Rory told me he would be coming over today, but I didn't expect to see Rory sitting on his bed with some new guy. The first thing I noticed about him: he knew sign language too. He signed something to Rory, who started giggling and signed something back. I wasn't surprised by this - Rory was bound to know other people who could sign, but something still bothered me about him.

Rory looked up and saw me standing in the doorway. He waved me over to them. His hands started moving and I looked to Jon to translate, but instead the new guy spoke up.

"Hi, Jason. This is Derrick, my new interpreter." Derrick smiled and offered me his hand. I shook it, and found myself staring at both our hands. I felt disappointed because he was doing a much better job at communicating with Rory. All I could do was scribble notes or text Rory. Derrgyick had only been here a few minutes and had already reached a level with Rory that I was still struggling to get at.

He took his hand away and signed something to Rory. Rory nodded and signed back. Then Jon joined in and they were all a part of a conversation. I was the odd man out.

Then Derrick turned to me and said, "You're Rory's roommate. Pretty good friends with him?"

"Yeah," I said, but it felt like a lie.

"Do you know how to sign?"

"I can... kind of... sign my name." I blushed, feeling like a total idiot.

"Oh, let's see." He smiled.

I furrowed my eyebrows at him, but I tried to arrange my hands in the way I had seen from my online research. I was sure that I messed up, but Derrick clapped his hands for me. I hated that - it felt like he was belittling me.

"Very good," he said. "Do you talk to Rory a lot?"

"Umm... well, I can't really... sign with him. I'm still trying to teach myself how. But we do talk... kind of."

"Oh, how?"

"Well, we write notes to each other, using my phone or his notepad..." I thought back to the time Rory had covered the room with sticky notes, questioning me about how I was questioning my sexuality. "... and sometimes Post-its." I saw Rory blush and look away. "...But most of the time, Rory just reads my lips."

His eyes rose in surprise. He signed something to Rory, who nodded in response. He signed some more.

Derrick turned back to me. "It's very good that he can lip read. It gives him an advantage. I can't even read lips," he laughed. "Rory says it easier to understand you than other people when reading lips. I can't explain why. But you must be very helpful to him."

It felt good knowing Rory and I communicated on a level of our own.

"Are you going to be around here a lot?" I asked him.

"Well, the school hired me to help him communicate with his teachers and help him through the lessons, so I would be here whenever Rory has instruction time. But outside of class, I would head home, like everyone does after work."

"Oh, so this is just your job?" I asked.

"Yes. But I hope I can help you and his peers communicate with him better as well."

I nodded. Derrick left a few minutes later. I went to take a shower.

Jon was gone when I got out of the bathroom, and Rory was lying on his bed, eyes closed. I wasn't sure if he was asleep. I had changed in the bathroom, so I didn't have to worry about him seeing me naked again.

I felt too lazy to do anything productive today, so I took out the controller and started kicking virtual ass on my video game. At some point, I notice Rory's sitting next to me, watching the screen. I have no idea when he got there, but I shrug and hand him a controller. He doesn't hesitate to take it and give me some real competition. Who knew he was so good at video games?

An hour later, I pause the game and turn to him. "Alright, I'm tired of getting my ass kicked. Wanna go get something to eat?"

He stared at me for a second, probably processing what I said, before nodding and smiling.

**

"Okay, show it to me again." I said to him.

We had gone to a restaurant on campus for some pizza. But instead of eating there, we went to the middle of campus and sat there to eat. There was this fountain, which was a tall, narrow wall smack in the middle of campus with water trickling down it and the name of the university was engraved in it. Then there was a small garden surrounding the fountain, but that didn't stop students from jumping under it when it got hot (or even when it was the middle of winter).

At night, the fountain glows different colors. It was turning from green to blue as Rory and I parked ourselves on one of the benches near it.

I set the box on the bench between us. Rory turned to face me and started moving his hands again to sign pizza. He put up two fingers, slightly bent, and waved them through the air in a zig-zag. When I tried it, I thought I had copied him correctly, but he did it again. When I tried to do it again, he took my hand and guided it through the air. I did the full motions this time on my own and he smiled. I couldn't help but smile too. I felt a bit proud for finally learning something in sign language other than how to say my name.

Then he took his notepad and pen out of his pocket and wrote, "You can also just spell pizza using the alphabet," and he showed me how. I copied him, but I liked the first way better - it was easier.

He wrote on the notepad again: "This is how you say dorm."

He held up one hand with all of his fingers touching except for the index finger, which was pointing up. He touched his fingertips to his cheek twice, once near his mouth, then near his ear. I did the same. Then he showed me how to say roommate by bringing his hands together twice at the knuckles with the back of his hands facing me.

I was happy that it was coming pretty easy to me, and what I didn't get right away, Rory would help me with.

He signed something else. His thumb and index finger looked like he was pinching the air, like when you say something is tiny. Then he tapped the two fingers to his chin twice.

"What does that mean?" I asked him.
He bit his lip as he wrote on the pad: "It's how you say gay."

I glared at him. I picked up the empty pizza box and jammed it in a nearly full trashcan. I heard Rory trying to catch up with me as I walked away. His hands grabbed at my coat and I reluctantly turned around to face him. He had already written a message on the notepad, which he was now shoving in my face.

"I wasn't making fun of you," it said.

I rolled my eyes.

He started to scribble something else but I stopped him. He looked up at me with big eyes. I could tell he felt sorry.

"You know I'm not... comfortable talking about this stuff." I said.

He frowned and wrote: "You'll have to talk about it sometime. It's who you are."

"No it's not. I've never even-" I paused. I was talking loudly, and even though there was hardly anyone outside, I didn't want anyone else to hear me. I grabbed the notepad and quickly scrawled: "I've never even been with a guy before. How do we even know for sure if I'm gay?"

He frowned again but didn't write anything more. He tucked the pen back in his pocket and walked over to the fountain. He gave up that fight awfully quick.

I sighed and sat back down on the bench. I don't know why he's so persistent to get me to out myself. If I'm not even sure about my sexuality, then why does he act like he's 100 percent confident on what I am? Just because he's gay doesn't mean he has a great 'gaydar' and just knows all the gay people in the world.

At the most, I can say that I'm... curious. But having Rory keep trying to shove me into a category doesn't make me any more sure or comfortable at all.

I looked up at him. He was still standing in front of the fountain, watching it change from red to orange to yellow. I got up and walked over to stand by him. He looked at me, then back to the trickling water.

I don't get him sometimes. I don't understand why he wants to confirm me being gay, but I guess he doesn't understand why I'm not ready to confirm anything either. Maybe we both have to work on understanding each other, just like we're learning to communicate with each other.

I tapped him on the shoulder. He looked at me.

"I'm sorry, but I'm still trying to figure out who I am," I told him.

He nodded. He took out the pen and notepad.

"It's okay. I shouldn't keep pushing you."

It seemed weird to smile right then, but I knew our fights were getting less significant. He smiled back, and soon we were hugging it out. It was totally out of character for me - I don't hug people... at all - but there's just something different about him...

The fountain was turning red again when we broke away. Rory's hands were still clutching my sleeve. I looked at him, confused. He bit his lip in that weird and cute way he always does, and he pressed his lips to mine.