Listen to Me

Jon encouraged me to actually start making some friends, which is surprisingly hard in college. When people ignore me, I'm not sure if it's because I can't talk or because they are really that self-absorbed.

I made a plan to make at least one friend in my American Sign Language class, so that even if all they could do was spell the alphabet, I could at least pretend that there was someone else I could have a conversation with besides Jon and my teacher, Ms. Elsis. And well, I guess Jason if you count communication through Post-it notes.

I sat in the middle of the classroom, like I try to do in all my classes. I guess I had this idea that since I've been home-schooled my whole life, it just alienates me even more, so I try to sit in the middle and participate as much as possible so that I feel like a proper student. It hardly works, since teachers aren't very patient when trying to talk with me. Just Ms. Elsis and my math teacher bother with me at all, and my math teacher only loves me because I'm such a genius with numbers.

One girl always sits in the seat next to me. She smiles at me politely but that's about the extent of our communication. The rest of the class don't even pay attention to me unless Ms. Elsis asks me something directly, which she often does. Why can't she get that I don't want to be the poster child for the deaf?

This one guy, a football player, sometimes sits near me. He asks if he's signing correctly, which would usually annoy me, but he's actually a cool guy. He acknowledges me outside of class, joining me in a typical black guy handshake that I have no clue how to follow so I just end up awkwardly fumbling my hands with his. He still smiles and pretends like I have street cred. But maybe with him, I do. His other jock buddies don't act like I'm invisible when they bump into me anymore. And the cheerleaders don't point and frown and whisper about me like they do with everyone else. I mean, it's not a major accomplishment, but it's a much better social life than what I started with when I came to Dakrem.

The football player, Kalil, sat on my right and the girl, Leela, sat in front of me. They both said hi to me at the same time, sparking this odd connection with the three of us. I had a feeling they never would have talked to each other if I hadn't been involved. I smiled and pointed at Leela to introduce herself, which she did. She seemed a bit nervous, which was strange because she was never nervous when talking to me. Kalil grinned and probably flirted with her - I think it was just how he naturally talked to all girls, but it still made her blush a bit. He really needed to stop being so "friendly" - he has a girlfriend. I doubt he's a cheater, but she's bound to get jealous.

"Thank you for introducing us, Rory." Leela signed.
"Yes..." Kalil signed, then hesitated, probably trying to remember how to sign something. In the end he just repeated "Thank you."
I shrugged. I hadn't really done anything, I was really just a common factor I guess.
"Are you busy later?" Leela signed to me.
"No. Why?"
"Do you want to hang out?"
I grinned. "Sure."
"Can I come?" Kalil signed to us. We both nodded.
"After class, we can go for lunch." Leela signed and we all agreed.

How was making friends so easy now?

During class, we got in groups to practice signing. Leela, Kalil, and I stuck together and worked on signing full sentences. Kalil was actually getting a lot better now that Leela was helping him. But like I said, he has a girlfriend. I hope he doesn't mess anything up. He seemed like he sincerely was trying to learn, though.

"What do you do for fun, Rory?" Kalil asked me. He froze when he realized he had said that, not signed it, but I stopped him from trying to translate.
"I can read lips." I signed to him. He nodded his head.
"That is so cool. I'm rubbish at that." Leela said.
I couldn't help but giggle. Who says "rubbish"?
"Aw, you have such a cute laugh!" She smiled at me.

I blinked. I did? I rarely thought about what my voice might sound like since I never used it. I always assumed it would sound horrible. Unused, untrained, and rusty - I never thought it would be a pleasing sound.

"I did not know that." I signed, which made them both laugh. I ended up laughing too. It was so easy to have a conversation with them, even with the language barrier.

After class, we walked to the campus cafe. Leela was a vegetarian, I learned, or just very healthy. She got a salad, an apple, and a bottle of water. Kalil was a jock, so he really didn't care how much he ate. He ordered a slice of pizza that was probably bigger than my stomach. I wasn't a social eater. I know that sounds strange, but every time I ate around people, I could sense them staring at my throat, probably realizing that it did serve other functions than just talking. People are so ignorant.

"Aren't you gonna eat something, man?" Kalil asked before taking a bite of his greasy pizza.
I shook my head and played with a napkin.
Leela frowned. "But you're so skinny."
I pouted and signed, "I am not."
She offered her apple but I shook my head. "I am fine." I signed. She still frowned but didn't push it.
"Man, you better bulk up. You look like a hug would break you in half." Kalil laughed, slapping me on the back.
I glared at him. I wasn't that skinny.

"How do you like campus so far?" Leela signed to me (She liked to use the language I was most comfortable with). She was sophomore.
"Great, but lonely." I was honest with her.
She got a sad look on her face, the look that girls give abandoned puppies. "Aw, you poor thing!" She jumped across the table and enveloped me in a hug. She scared the crap out of me! It took me a second before I started hugging her back.
Kalil just shrugged and kept eating his pizza, then paused to say with a mouth full of food, "You got friends now."

I guess that was obvious, especially since Leela was still squeezing me tightly.

I smiled at him, but he was already focused back on his pizza. Leela sat down, tugging at her skirt and her shirt which had risen up a bit. Kalil was paying attention to that.

"I am glad that I met you." I signed. They smiled. I wasn't sure how close we were going to be, but I wanted friends and I got them - that's huge for me.

We, or rather they, finished lunch and we walked around campus for a while. Coincidentally, ASL had been our last class for the day. Now we were trying to figure out what to do next.

"I'm telling you we should head to the Delta party." Kalil said.
Leela shook her head. "No way. The Deltas are total assholes. And their parties always get shut down."
"Which is why we should go before it does."
I giggled. They argued a lot, but not in an angry way, just more of an "you're silly, of course I'm right" kind of way.
She wrapped her arms around my shoulders - she was just a little taller than me. "You are adorable with that giggle. The girls here must eat you up."
"I told you - I am alone here. No one looks at me." I signed.
She shook her head. "I can't believe that. A cute one like you will be snatched up any second."

I wish. No one wants the gay deaf kid. Would they judge me if I told them I was gay? They were accepting of my disability, but sexuality is a whole other shit-storm.

"We're gonna get you some girls, man, don't you worry." Kalil playfully jabbed me with his elbow, and since I was so small and he was a freaking giant, it hurt a lot more than it should have.

I opened my mouth to tell the truth but nothing came out. Of course not, stupid. You don't talk anyway. Why use your mouth for that? I didn't even know how to say "I'm gay" in sign language. Oh well, maybe it's best that they don't know yet. I could lose two friends in two seconds by admitting that.

I just half-smiled at Kalil, knowing I'd still be single either way. He nodded and looked back at Leela.

"Come on, girl, what are you so afraid of? It's just a party. Rory's down for it, right?" He looked at me.
"What could he possibly do at a party?! No offense, Rory, but I doubt he'll have fun dancing and talking to people. I mean, really, Kalil?"
"The point is to socialize. And he wants to meet new people, right Rory?"
"But that's totally insensitive. We could find other things that we could all enjoy together."
"Who says he won't enjoy the party? Chances are people won't even talk with all the stupid shit going on. You go to a party to drink, hook up, and have fun."
"And that's the kind of environment you want him to be in?"
"God, you're such a prude."
She looked offended. "I am not, you ass!"

I felt like a child watching his parents fight. I hated it - Leela was just babying me and Kalil was the kind of person to call me a baby for not wanting to do something cool. It was just like every encounter I've ever had with people. I was not going through this again.

I shoved both of them, earning glares for a second but their looks softened.

"I have been to parties. I like parties. We can go - I do not care. Please do not fight." I signed.
They seem a little surprised. But Kalil just laughed and roped me into another black guy handshake that I faked my way through and said "Yeah, see I told you the kid liked to party."
Leela rolled her eyes. "Fine. Maybe it's just a guy thing."

We went to the party, and there was definitely more chaos than the last one. The second we walked in the door, something sped past our feet. I assume it was an animal. Three guys stumbled after it in a panic. In the middle of the place were kegs, and some people were even being held upside down above them and drinking straight from it. A bunch of half-naked girls were dancing on one of the only not-broken tables in the house. People kept bumping into me and it looked like they were shouting like maniacs. And you could hardly walk two feet without stepping in some kind of unidentifiable mess. These were the parties I dreamed about.

Kalil started shaking hands with a bunch of guys that I was pretty sure were on sports teams as well. His girlfriend, whose name I don't know, emerged from behind the mass of guys and took her place right at his side with her arms wrapped around his torso. She eyed Leela, which I am pretty sure was girl talk for "Stay the hell away from my boyfriend or I'll kill you."

Leela didn't seem to care much about Kalil or his girlfriend. She grabbed my hand and pulled me into the crowd, reminding me of the party I went to with Jason. But I didn't want to think about Jason. We still weren't on speaking terms, which is ridiculous since we were barely speaking before. I hate the tension between us - we're roommates and we were starting to be friends, but I still feel like he isn't sensitive to my problem.

Leela took my hands and placed them on her waist, then wrapped her own arms around my neck.

"I know this must be weird for you, but can you just pretend, please?" She said.

At first I had no idea why she was even bothering with me, until I saw Kalil watching us, or rather her, from across the room. It was like he didn't even notice his girlfriend was there.

I had a feeling this wasn't going to end well.

I removed my hands from her waist to sign "Why are you using me to make him jealous?"
She bit her lip. "I... I really don't know. I shouldn't even like him, but-"
I cut her off by shaking my head. "Why are you using me? There are many guys here."
She smiled. "I don't want to ditch you. And I don't want some creepy guy to have his paws all over me."

I felt like I was already the token gay best friend - a barrier for unwanted guys and a keeper of crush secrets. I might as well tell her... but I still don't think I should.

We swayed together. You know, I've often wondered if I was a good dancer. I mean, I shouldn't be, but it's not like I'm an uncoordinated or clumsy person.

I looked back over at Kalil, who was being talked to by his girlfriend. He looked like he was in hell, and every once in a while, he would steal glances of Leela. I already knew I was gonna be forced into the madness of this budding love triangle. I was not going to play matchmaker - no way.

**

I walked back to my dorm some hours later. I actually did have fun with Leela, and Kalil too when he wasn't being hounded by his girlfriend. And I did end up meeting some new people. Kalil told girls that I was shy - that's why I wasn't talking and I was nervous about my dancing. They ate it up and they were all over me, and I tried to shake my head to say I didn't want... this, but Kalil just laughed and told me to relax - they don't bite unless I want them to. I really need to know how to say "I'm gay" in sign language now, or carry a piece of paper.

I walked into my dorm room, finding it empty. I'm used to Jason being here, making the air feel awkward. He still tries to talk to me, but I pretend to ignore him sometimes. I guess that's not really fair of me, but it's not like we had long, in-depth, or thought-provoking conversations before. He usually just asks me if I've seen his phone.

I sat on my bed and went to pull my laptop from my desk, but it wasn't there. That was odd. I looked around and spotted it on Jason's bed... also odd. He didn't ask to use it. I don't think he has one of his own, though.

I hopped on his bed and picked up the laptop, ready to Google the sign for homosexuality, but I saw that my roommate had been researching a similar topic.

The error message on the screen said the computer failed to shut down, and the internet browser was still up in the background.

Gay porn. GAY PORN. My roommate had been looking up gay guy porn on my laptop.

What?! Who does that?! Why was he looking up- wasn't he straight?! I saw him talking to a girl like two days ago!

I set the laptop back on the bed, not quite sure what to do. I got up, got undressed, turned off the light, and climbed into my own bed, even though I could hardly sleep. My brain was buzzing with thoughts.

Jason was gay?