Easier Said Than Done

Saturday morning, I gnawed on my lip as I lied down on my bed on my stomach, taking the remote into my hand. The channels flashed in front of my face as I flipped through them, trying not to think about everything that was going on, but ultimately failing.

The week at school had been slightly uncomfortable, to say the least. Sam knew that I wasn’t telling him everything, so he mostly kept his distance from me. When we did talk, it was really formal, like we were nothing more than acquaintances. It made me feel like shit, but there was nothing I could do.

Worse than the tension between Sam and me was that I didn’t know how to fix it. Deep down in my gut, I knew that I wasn’t telling myself everything, so I knew that I had to learn to accept whatever it was my subconscious was hiding from everyone before I could fill in Sam, too.

“Anger,” I heard a familiar voice on the TV say.

It caught my attention, since I seemed to have a little bit of anger toward everyone these days. After turning the channels back to where I heard the word, I saw Oprah sitting in a chair, staring right at the camera.

“Letting go of your anger is one of the first steps toward becoming a better person.”

She went on to tell a personal anecdote about how harboring anger does no good, since it only hurts the person holding the grudge, not the one the grudge is against.

I stared at her as if she was really sitting in front of me. It was scary, how she was basically describing what was going on. It was like she was speaking to my soul, as corny and weird as that sounded.

Finally, it clicked. The reason that Sam and I were having issues was because I had this pent up frustration toward Puck that I couldn’t release, since we didn’t talk anymore. How was I supposed to stop feeling indignant of him if I couldn’t express my emotions?

Before I could think, I recorded the episode of Oprah and picked up my cell phone, dialing Sam at the speed of light.

“What?” he answered, clearly not too happy to have heard from me.

“Oprah has enlightened me.”

“Um…what?” The fact this confused him, yet he could learn Na’vi and Klingon almost more fluently than English, nearly made me laugh. But I refrained.

“This whole show is about letting go of anger, and it finally makes sense. The reason that I had to glare at Puck all during that dinner is because I have all these unresolved quarrels with him.”

“I thought you guys already talked everything out.”

“No, we talked out being awkward. I don’t think either of us realized that we still have arguments that seem open-ended…things that we didn’t discuss.”

Sam took in a breath, like he was going to ask what I was talking about, but I cut him off. “So I’m going to call and talk to him. Is that okay with you?”

“Yeah, if it makes you feel better.”

“Thanks. I’ll call you later, okay? Maybe we can hang out tomorrow.”

“Sure.” Without a sorry or anything, everything between us had dissolved. Already, I felt better.

Getting to my feet, I realized in the mirror that I was still in my pajamas. “I need to get dressed,” I mumbled as I started pacing the floor, waiting for Puck to answer his phone.

“What the fuck do you want?” Puck answered on what seemed like the millionth ring.

“We need to talk,” I responded, running a hand through my hair. “I know, I’m probably the last person you ever want to talk to, but we seriously need to.”

There was a long pause. “Fine. I guess I’ll be over there in twenty minutes.”

“Great. Thank you.”

“Whatever.” He hung up on me.

It kind of hurt that he was so rude. I mean, I would be lying if I said that I was expecting him to be thrilled to talk to me, but I didn’t think that he’d be so curt about it.

I got dressed in a rush and went downstairs. Aileen was like a zombie moving around the kitchen, rubbing her eyes as she got the coffee maker ready to brew a cup.

“Where are you going?” she slurred before clearing her throat.

“Puck’s picking me up.”

Aileen woke up really quickly with that. “Can I just remind you that you’re with Sam? If you cheat on him, Ellie…”

“You don’t have to worry about that.” I rolled my eyes. “Puck and I are just going to talk it out. No worries.”

She sighed, but didn’t say anything more. Outside, there was a loud beep. “I’ll see you later,” I said as I walked out the door, pulling the door closed just a little too hard behind me.

Puck had a stony look on his face as I got into the passenger’s seat. His irritation and hatred were almost coming off him in waves. Normally, that would have made me nervous, but it just made me more eager to get those feelings resolved.

Oprah would have been so freakin’ proud of me.

“What did you want to say?” Puck spat.

“I wanted to talk about that,” I pointed out, like the words were visible in the air between us. “Look, if anything, I should be all pissy at you right now, but I’m not, am I?”

He scoffed and rolled his eyes. “You’re the one who lied to me about Sam.”

I put my hands up in surrender. “I’m not here to hurl accusations at each other. I’m here to clear it up. After all, our arguments are straining Sam’s and my relationship.”

“Oh, what a shame,” he shot back sarcastically.

“Alright, are you going to have an open mind or not? Because if you’re not, I might as well just save my breath.”

“No, fine. What did you want to say?” He was still mumbling, not at all enthusiastic, but at least it was something.

I sighed as we pulled next to the soccer fields, where there was a hill out back, along with a grassy picnic area. “Stop here,” I demanded.

“Oh, my God. What the hell are you doing?”

“Will you stop questioning my every move?” He was starting to get on my nerves, but I knew I had to suppress it. Getting angrier at him was certainly not on my agenda.

Wordlessly, Puck parked the car and got out, following me to the picnic area. “Alright, so, first, I want to sing something to you.”

“What the-?”

“What did I say about questioning me?” I snapped at him.

He shut up, so I pulled my iPod out of my pocket and lined up the song. “I really want you to listen to the words, okay?”

After he nodded, I pressed play.

I’m standing at a fork in the road, and I
Don’t really know which way to go, it’s like
17 years ago all over again, and I, I
I’m a little girl lost alone, and yes
I wanna know what lies ahead, and yeah, my
Feet are planted and I don’t want to take a step

‘Cause I won’t make it any further with you on my back
Carry your burden, I can’t do it this time, goodbye
But then again, do I listen to my heart, are you crying for help?
I keep guessing myself, why
Does it have to be so
Hard to let you go?

Once I finished, there was a silence that settled between us. “So, that was kind of how I felt about our breakup at the time. I don’t want you to continue thinking that it didn’t hurt to break up with you because it did. It hurt me more than I could show anyone, than I ever thought anything ever could.”

Puck was still quiet, just staring at me.

“Are you going to say anything?”

“I guess I’m just surprised.”

“Are you saying you were angry at me because you thought I was being cruel to you?”

“Yeah.” He smiled a little, and I couldn’t help but grin back. “So maybe you were right.”

“Oh, I know I was right. But there’s more.” I cleared my throat, leaning back so I could shove my iPod back in my pocket. “When you shouted after me that I already, quote, ‘fucked’, you, it really hurt me. I didn’t know why you would share that personal information with everyone else in the Glee Club. I thought you were going to keep that between us.”

“I didn’t know that you were ashamed of me,” he muttered.

“I’m not!” I rushed. “It had nothing to do with you. I just…I don’t know. I guess I wanted to keep it private, is all.”

“Alright. I’m sorry. Happy?”

“Kind of.”

“Now will you tell me something that I’ve been wondering about forever?”

“What?”

“You weren’t ready to sleep with me, were you?”

My stomach seized. I knew the second the words left his mouth that they were true, but now that it was said out loud, it made me nervous. I didn’t even have the guts to admit that to myself, and there he was, letting the statement hang between us like an unwelcome third wheel.

“No.” I felt a blush fill my face as I continued explaining. “I just...I kept pressuring myself to go through with it, since I had promised you after that invitational. I hate going back on a promise, so I just didn’t want that to happen. Ever. Does that make any sense?”

“Sure. It just sucks that it ended up breaking us apart.”

So he knew, too. “Yeah, I know. Everything was just awkward and snappy between us after.”

“I know.” He stared at me again.

“Oh, and I didn’t lie to you about Sam. I genuinely didn’t even know that I had feelings for him until he finally kissed me.”

“He kissed you, huh?” I could swear there was a tinge of jealousy on the edge of his voice, but I couldn’t be sure. After all, quite a bit of time had passed since I was able to pick up every gesture, every change in tone.

“Yeah. We’ve kissed a few times.” My statement sounded a little too defensive for my tastes.

“Did it feel like when we used to kiss?”

“What?” My breath left my lungs in a whoosh, and my eyes stared into his, wondering what the hell was happening here.

“Sorry. Was that weird?”

But he didn’t sound sorry. And he didn’t look sorry as he leaned forward, closing the distance between us.